Waiting for Grace (12 page)

My heart was racing and I couldn’t believe my ears. Was he saying he still loved me?

“It made you feel seventeen,” I sighed. “You’re just remembering the way we used to feel and it’s making you feel like we did then and it’s exciting.”

“Grace, it isn’t that, I’m sure of it. I love my fiancée, I do.”

I felt my heart stop as he admitted that to me, and then I remembered why we were here.

“If you love her, Robert, then you have a funny way of showing it, because you are disrespecting her by even telling me all this shit. I never thought you were like this, God.”

“Don’t do that Grace. I know, okay. I know how awful this is to her, but don’t pretend this is someone in the office that I fancy. This is us for God’s sake.”

“So? We were over years ago.”

“So you feel nothing for me?” he asked. I looked down. “Grace?” he asked.

“Of course I feel something for you. I loved you the day you left, and I loved you when you were gone, and I grieved for everything I had lost when you went home. I didn’t just lose you. I lost my adopted family and the one person in this world who loved me. You had them all to go back to.” I sighed and he took my hand, I pushed him away. “Robert, I’ve seen you every day in our little girl for the past six years. I’ve never been able to forget you, but what’s your excuse?”

“Grace, you never did get it? You were my everything. As soon as that train reached home I jumped off and broke down to my mum over what had happened. I made her drive me straight back to London to get you. I should never have left you alone and I kept calling you but your phone was off. We stayed two days and searched, but you just vanished. I came down south for uni just to be near where you were, and I’ve been
looking ever since.”

He took my breath away and I could see in his eyes that he was sincere.

“Robert, you have a fiancée, so what exactly are you telling me today?” I asked.

I was struggling to process the lengths he had gone to. If he had come back for me and I’d have seen him, I would have jumped at the chance to go home with him even though it wasn’t what I wanted. I had missed him so much those first few months. I had to train my body not to pine for him, but he left me. He left me thinking that I was the last thing on his mind.

“I’m telling you that I still love you, and you need to give me some time to sort this all out.”

His words made my heart ache. How could he expect to tell me this whilst engaged to someone else? He was disrespecting both of us and behaving like a complete arse.

I shook my head. “How can you sit here and say that when there is a woman somewhere that you have promised to marry? I’m sorry, Robert, but I do love you, the old you, the man who would never have done this to someone he loves. I’ll never keep you from Devon, but there is no way I’m going to sit here and say I love you and that you can make a choice. There is no choice. You’ve moved on and we both should. It’s healthier.”

“Grace, I haven’t been able to move on for seven years. What should I have done? Stayed single until I bumped into you whenever that may have been?”

“No, Robert, you shouldn’t have settled for someone who you could betray like this.”

“Ouch,” he said, his blue eyes searching mine. “Grace, I can’t just dump Cecily like this. We have history, too.”

“I don’t want you to Robert, didn’t you hear me? There’s no choice to make. You should stand by the commitment you’ve made and you need to stop dwelling on the past.”

It broke my heart to say it but this wasn’t my Robert, a man who could behave this way, planning a back up for when he dumps his fiancée. This wasn’t what I wanted.

“I’m not sure I can do that and I’m not even sure I want to try.”

I shook my head. “Robert, I don’t want to hear any of this again, okay? I can’t deal with it.” I felt emotion weigh me down as I accepted what would be.

“Grace, please, I don’t want you to rule us out. I’m not sure I can deal with that.”

“It’s you ruling us out, Robert, by behaving like a prick. Get your head sorted and text me about seeing Devon later in the week.”

I stood up to leave and grabbed my coat. He jumped up as I walked past and grabbed me into a hug. I could feel his body hard against me and his familiar smell surrounded me.

“This didn’t go well,” he whispered. “I can’t bear it if you hate me.”

“I don’t hate you,” I said, trying to speak, but it came out as a whisper. “But we had our chance and we screwed it up. Please let’s just be there for Devon.”

“I love you, Grace,” he sighed.

I pulled away from him and looked into his eyes. “You never could say it,” he said with a sad smile and my eyes filled with tears. “If only we could jump in the car and drive away again, you, me and Devon, just run away.” I smiled at the memory.

“Bye, Robert.”

“I’ll text you,” he said as I left.

Thirteen

Seven and a half Years Earlier

Christmas had never been a big thing in our house. Mum didn’t get a tree as Christmas made her depressed. She had made some inane attempts when I was smaller with fibre optic trees and the like, but the past few years we hadn’t even decorated. Mrs Jones always made mince pies and other Christmas treats and invited me inside. Of course I had Jane and Rachel, whose houses I would visit on the run up to Christmas, and so I knew what family Christmases were about. I just didn’t have a family. It didn’t depress me. I wasn’t upset about it because this was my life. I got money from my mum at Christmas rather than presents and that was so much better in my eyes. I could get whatever I wanted. She never attempted Christmas dinner because she was usually drunk by lunch, but we sat and had a meal and watched television together until she passed out.

It wasn’t terrible, but I didn’t look forward to it like everyone else, until I met Robert. Our first Christmas we spent together he was just like a five-year-old. He was constantly counting down the days and planning what we would do. There were so many Banford family parties with cousins, aunties, uncles and grandparents, all the relations that I had never had. It was tiring to think of it. Robert insisted that mum and I decorate the house, even coaxing her into the Christmas spirit and indulging her stories of my dad playing Father Christmas for Jamie and me.

Mum directed Robert and I to where all the old Cooper Christmas decorations were from times gone by. Our house had a walk up attic with a creaky wooden staircase that led to a boarded room full of clutter.

“They’re up there all right,” she sighed. “I remember Jeff putting them up, laughing that he needed to clear out the junk.” Her eyes glazed over again, and I rolled my eyes to Robert.

“Are you sure we need to bother?” I whined. “She’ll only get worse when she sees them all.”

“You two need some healing and this sort of stuff is where it starts,” he said cheerily, I groaned.

“Are you a psychiatrist now?” I smiled.

“No, just always right.” He threw his arm around me and we made our way upstairs to investigate.

At the bottom of the old wooden stairs I was hesitant. “You know no one has been up here for years, there could be anything up here.” He pushed me forward.

“Turn the light on and stop making excuses. We’ll be in and out.”

I pulled the hatch open and we entered the carnage, our eyes adjusting to the dim light.

“Shit,” Robert said. “You were right, it’s like a charity shop up here.”

“One without any visible floor space,” I whined.

“Come on, let’s find them.” We began looking. After a half an hour or so, we decided to split up and start on one side of the room each, coming together in the middle. The dust was making me sneeze and I had to keep putting my sleeve over my face. We worked for another half an hour until Robert had a breakthrough.

“Eureka!” he shouted. “Tinsel and a box that looks like a fake tree.”

“Wow,” I said, making my way towards it. Just as I did I tripped and flew towards him. He jumped up and almost caught me, but I fell to the ground. “Ouch,” I whined. “Bloody boxes!” I kicked the box I had tripped over, a wooden box that had flowered patterns all over it and a sunflower on the lid. Then I noticed that within the sunflower it read
DIANE
.

“This must have been my sister’s,” I sighed, pulling it towards me. Robert settled next to me.

“It’s so weird that you never knew her,” he said. “It’s like she’s a ghost, or your mum made her up.”

“I’ve seen her pictures and her room; she’s definitely not made up, but it does feel a bit like she’s dead with the rest of them.” I pulled the lid off the box and wasn’t sure what I would find inside, teddies, photos or keepsakes? Instead there was mail. The box was full of cards addressed to Jamie, Dad, Mum, and me. I was confused and pulled them all out. There were lots. I opened one addressed to me, and Robert put his hand on mine.

“Are you sure you want to do this?” he asked.

“Yes, these are mine.” So I ripped it open and inside was a birthday card for a five year old.

To Grace, Happy Birthday, Lots of love Diane and Carl xxx

“Shit,” I said. “She sent me cards.” I grabbed one of Jamie’s and ripped that open. It was an 18
th
.

To Jamie, Happy 18
th
little brother, Lots of Love Diane and Carl xxx

Tears sprung to my eyes unexpectedly. I remembered my big brother, not well these days, but enough to wish he was here with me when all was said and done. “He never made it to eighteen,” I said, holding back any tears that may have fallen. “He was fifteen when he died. She doesn’t know he’s dead,” I stated.

“Oh, Grace.” Robert put his arm around me. “Families are so fucked up.” I nodded to him and put the cards back in the box.

“Why would Mum keep these from me? Why hasn’t she told Diane dad and Jamie are dead if she knows where she is?”

“There’s no address on these,” he said, looking at Jamie’s card and envelope again. “Your mum obviously doesn’t know where Diane is and Diane obviously doesn’t want to get found.”

“You’re right, my family is so fucked up. Ahhh …” I put my hands over my face, “What the hell happened all those years ago that meant she would never come back? I don’t remember my dad being anything but perfect and Mum is bloody weird now, but she was normal when he was alive.”

“They must have had a falling out,” Robert sighed.     

I took one last look in the box before I put the lid on and happened to see a thinner envelope, one that was definitely not a card. I grabbed for it, it was addressed to Dad. It looked old and the writing was faded by the years in this box.

“Grace,” Robert cautioned as I went to tear it open. “Some things are best left where they are, in the past.”

“Robert,” I warned, “if your family had been torn apart, you’d want to know why and this letter might tell me.”

“Okay.” He held his hands up. “Go for it, but I just think …” he sighed, “I just think everything happens for a reason.”

“All right, Mr Sensible, I’m curious so back off.” I tore the envelope open and there I saw it, at the top of the page an address.

Dad,

I hope you read this letter and don’t throw it away.

I am fine. Carl and I live in a flat in London. We have been here since we left and are settled. I wanted to wait until I turned eighteen to write, in case you tried to make me come home. Carl is my life now and please respect my decisions. I hope that does not mean we cannot have a relationship.
         

We left because we decided that staying in Poulton was too difficult after everything that had happened. I couldn’t live there and pretend that nothing had changed and you would never have accepted Carl back then.

I am sorry that I didn’t go to university as you had planned, but I needed to make my own way in the world because I’m not a little girl anymore.

I hate that we had to leave and I hate that I have disappointed you, but I am still your daughter and I love you very much. I appreciate everything that you have done for me and I hope that one day I can make you proud in my own way.

Much love to Jamie and I know that Gracie will make you proud where I could not.

If you want to write back my address is above. I won’t be coming home and so please don’t attempt to make me.

Lots of Love

Diane xxx

“There’s an address,” I said, passing the letter to Robert. “Look, she’s in London. Mum and Dad never bothered to find out. They didn’t open it.”

“Grace, this letter must be over a decade old,” he sighed. “She can’t still be there.”

“Look for more,” I said frantically raking through the cards for another letter, tipping the box upside down. There weren’t any more.

“This is an old letter. God knows where she is now. If she wanted to know you, you’ve not moved.” He placed his hand on my shoulder. “If she wanted to know you, she would know you.”

“Rubbish,” I barked. “She has no idea how my life is now, no idea that our dad and brother are dead, and I’m stuck with that lifeless twig of a drunk who wished it were me dead and not the other two.”

“Grace …” he pulled me to him. “I’m sure she loves you; she doesn’t think that.”

“I need my sister, Robert. I’m sure she would make everything okay. We need to go to this address.”

He pulled me to him. “What can she do, Grace?”

“Love me!” I yelped.

“I love you,” he said softly, kissing my head. “Is that not enough?” He held me tightly, and I brushed away quick tears that tried to fall. He loved me and that was amazing. I hadn’t felt anything like that before, but my obsession with Diane and my feeling that she would make everything all right knew no bounds. If she had a family, then I could be a part of that. I could go somewhere where I belonged and not have to be pitied by other people’s families. Robert was my saviour, but how long would that last? Teenage romances never last forever, and I wasn’t naïve to think we would always be together. He would go to university and meet a girl who was better suited to him. He would find someone who was clever, refined, and had a nice family. I wanted to travel and leave this town, get away from my mum and this museum. He was happy to be near his loving family. I wouldn’t always have him, so perhaps I needed more. Perhaps I needed some roots and someone who had to love me, because she was my sister. I saw this box as a sign. These cards meant that she thought of Jamie and me every year on our birthdays, at least. I couldn’t believe Mum had the wherewithal the hide them.

After that, our Christmas was good. I decided not to tell my mum what I knew. I was torn between throwing the cards at her and just ignoring her, but in the end, after stewing for a few days, I decided to ignore it all. She was mentally unstable and kept all these things hidden for a reason, most likely because she couldn’t handle her reality. So I kept Diane’s letter and hid it in my room. I went to Robert’s family parties, we exchanged gifts, and once again, Barbara made me feel like part of the family. Robert’s brothers treated me like a long lost sister, including me in their squabbles as well as their fun times. I felt a part of their brood and for that I was grateful, as it offered me a different reality. Despite the decorations that Robert and I had put up that year, it was only ever a mask that covered the ugly truth. Each night I would get out Diane’s letter and just stare at her handwriting and that address. That address just captivated my every thought. My parents had never even opened the letter and never even entertained a thought of her from the day she left, but I wanted her, I needed her.

I needed to find this address. I wanted to see my sister.