Authors: Shey Stahl
I also wasn’t to blame
for Drew leaving. When he nearly overdosed, I found him, yes, but our dad’s
reaction was just to ignore it. That was why Drew ended up leaving. He would
never get help here and my dad was really hard on him. I can’t say that I
agreed with Drew’s way of using but it wasn’t my place.
I think Ken’s deal with
us boys was that he never wanted kids. I don’t say that to make you feel sorry
for us. I say that because it’s a fact. Drew was an accident and so was I. My
mom was seventeen when Drew was born; our dad was twenty-nine. That right there
seemed odd to me but again, that wasn’t his fault if you asked him. It was my
fault because Drew ruined his good time with his under-aged playmate. Over the
years, he blamed us for a lot of things because it was easier than blaming him.
I’d like to tell you
that this never had a lasting effect on either of us but I’d probably be lying.
Drew turned to drugs; I got into trouble, bad trouble a few times.
Like it or not, the
daddy who hated us, caused some unreserved anger at times.
I have never been a
violent person for the most part but if provoked, yeah, I reacted like any
other person when pushed enough. When it came to douchebags, I reacted. My dad
was one of those douchebags. Of all the times Ken had laid a hand on either of
us, we never fought back. Drew did once, the day he left. For the most part, we
didn’t want him to see that we were affected by him.
With all that came my
decision to leave. It happened graduation day. As I watched Bailey, a raging
grace of unspoken words, she was finally standing up for herself, something
inside me reacted too.
For months, I had a bag
in my car, ready to leave at any time but for myself, I would graduate first.
Then when I heard her speech, it was decided for me.
I was leaving that day.
At the time, I had no idea where that summer would take us and if you had told
me what I know now, that day, I wouldn’t have changed anything. Well, maybe a
few details but not a lot.
Ken, more than likely
still drunk, walked over to my car after the ceremony. I was surprised he even
came to watch. Usually he was either at the bar or his office. Why he felt the
need to come to his son’s graduation was a mystery to me. “And where do you
think you’re going?” he said stumbling to my car.
Part of me, the
stubborn eighteen-year-old didn’t want to tell him. The reality of it was that
it wasn’t his decision any longer. I had no more ties to him and hadn’t since
October when I turned eighteen and discovered that he had lied to me for years.
“I’m leaving,” I said
to him preparing for his response and knowing it wouldn’t be taken lightly.
“Why?” He seemed hurt
by the decision but I also knew deep down it meant nothing to him. I was simply
a tax deduction at this point.
I shrugged appearing
distracted. I was distracted. I just wanted to get away from him and out of
this fucking town for good.
“Tell me why you’re
leaving.” He pressed stepping closer. “Is it because of Drew?”
My body tensed
naturally knowing his next move when I said.
“Because it’s
time.
You don’t need me here anymore. Now you can have your bottle but I
won’t be your excuse any longer.”
“I can’t believe you.”
His tone took on a defensive pitch. “You fuck up my life for eighteen years and
now you’re just leaving. Just like your mom and brother? Are you going to see
Drew?”
Shaking my head, I
tried to ignore him. This wasn’t a fight I wanted to have and it was none of
his business if I was going to see Drew or not.
“You’re never going to
amount to anything with that shit music you play.”
Ken knew the one thing
that would set me over the edge. He used it against me frequently. When I was
twelve, my uncle Eddy gave me an acoustic guitar for my birthday. When I got
into trouble at school, he made me watch as he burned it in the backyard. He
did shit like that. He took the one thing you loved and destroyed it.
There was one thing I
took pride in and that was my music. Ken knew that. When he wanted a reaction
from me, he used that. I wasn’t trying to make a career out of it but it was
something I put all of myself into. He knew what it meant.
“Fuck you,” I screamed
losing control. “You don’t know anything about me!”
There was more truth to
that statement than he would ever understand but he didn’t hear me. He never
would.
And as I expected, he
hit me.
“You ungrateful
little shit! I gave you everything you ever needed and that’s how you repay
me?”
To my dad, leaving was
disrespectful as he felt, and this was a constant debate between us, that if
anyone left him, they were being ungrateful. My mom included. It didn’t matter
to him that she was killed in a car accident and that it had nothing to do with
him. In his eyes, she left.
Same with Drew.
It didn’t
matter that he nearly overdosed and needed to get clean.
To
Ken that didn’t mean a goddamn thing.
After all this with my dad
that afternoon, I wasn’t expecting was Bailey.
For years I wanted to
talk to her, comfort her in a way I didn’t know how to. When my mom died, she
comforted me. She held me when I cried. But then, as I got older and started
looking for ways to rebel, I never heard from her again. When I turned
eighteen, I understood why she was pushed away from me but at the time, it hurt
to know I lost the only true friend I had.
All along, I saw
through the barrier Bailey had, just as I knew she saw through mine. Sometimes
you just know a person. It doesn’t matter if you never talk. You know them. You
have a silent connection. We had that through lingering stares and unspoken
gestures such a brush of the shoulder in the hall or a smile thrown her way.
I almost talked to her
at Homecoming. My only purpose there was to piss people off. That was my first
riot charge too, but I got a smile out of her that night.
I watched her that
night. Hell, I watched her every day but that night, dressed in a lilac gown,
she was beautiful and I desperately wanted to talk to her, tell her how I felt
and what I knew about her family that she didn’t.
As I sat in the
shadows, before the riot, I watched her in the arms of a guy that knew nothing
about her.
I wanted her. Fuck did
I want her. Not going to lie here but Bailey Gray was and always had been a
fantasy for me. It started around twelve and never let up. You’d be surprised
how often I thought of her, more than I cared to admit, and when she wasn’t
looking, I dreamed of showing those ways. Most of which were in my bed
obviously but I cared for Bailey too.
Not only was I insanely
attracted to her, she was like a breath of fresh air for me and she never knew.
I saw her at school, didn’t say anything, but I instantly felt reprieve from everything
I felt crushing me.
I hated the way
everyone around her controlled her. She believed lies because they were the
only truth she knew. The truths she didn’t know were devastating. You couldn’t
blame her for being naïve. She didn’t know any different just like I didn’t
until November.
I’m not sure why I
asked her to come, but something inside of me wanted her with me, to make her
see the illusions around her. I knew given the chance, I could show her that I
wasn’t a bad guy and was something she needed. I only hoped what I couldn’t
say, what I didn’t want to say wouldn’t push her away.
Standing in front of my
car, seeing her stick up for me, I knew if I ever had a chance to show Bailey I
had been waiting on her for eight years, I had to act right then.
“Come with me,” I
mouthed to her knowing my voice wouldn’t be heard over my dad. Maybe I should
have kept my fucking mouth shut but I didn’t.
When she watched my
lips move, I knew she felt something. All I did was smile and I saw that look
on her face I saw when we were seven and kissed her after she skinned her knee
running from me. I still remember that first kiss like it was yesterday.
I only hoped she
wouldn’t run anymore.
I kept my distance all
those years. Anything I said to her would have gone unnoticed or ignored. If
she was with me, alone, maybe I could make her see there was more to life that
living for someone else. I think the reason I felt so much for Bailey was
because any moment of content I had growing up had her in it.
I smiled trying to win
her over. My mom used to tell me that I was charming and deep down I liked to
think that I was. If I had one good quality left from her, I hoped it was that.
I had her smile. My mom was a good person and honest, two traits I hoped that I
was. Maybe I wasn’t a good person, given I was in trouble a lot, but what
really defines a good person anyway?
Maybe I would find the
answer, maybe I wouldn’t. Truth be told, I didn’t care to find any answers. I
wanted to feel alive again and just an hour into that trip with Bailey, I felt
that sitting next to her. Bailey had more to offer than she thought.
Watching her sleep now,
her dark ginger hair sprawled across the seat, lips pushed into a pout that I
wanted to press my lips to and her thick auburn lashes fluttering ever so
slightly, I wasn’t sure if the decision was right for either one of us but I
wanted to find out. More than anything, I wanted Bailey to see what had been
waiting for her. Me. She needed to see that there was one person out there that
would treat her the way she deserved to be treated and wouldn’t lie to her. The
shitty part was that though I wasn’t lying, I wasn’t telling her everything I
knew. Part of me didn’t want to.
“I’ll take care of
you,” I whispered against her forehead. She hummed and curled into my lap
finding a more blissful sleep.
My hand draped over her
and I knew then that I would take care of her. No matter what, I would take
care of her. Even if I were simply a friend, I would be that. My body might
have an objection but it wasn’t about that any longer. It was about Bailey and
making her feel alive.
There was something
powerful between us. Something neither one of us could walk away from.
In the end, I wanted
her to have the time of her life.
6.
Shown n’ Tell – Bailey Gray
We were somewhere
outside of Pacheco State Park in California the following afternoon because
Dylan took a wrong turn and adamantly refused to ask for directions. Not that
we really had any idea where we were going anyway but still, we were lost. Now
we sat staring at maps trying to find our way back to the highway and eating
lunch.
Dylan tipped his head
to the side and looked over at me drinking his chocolate milk shake he had to
have, tossing the map on the dashboard. “Have you ever been cow tipping?”
I watched his lips
closely as he took a long pull from the straw and the indenting of his cheeks.
“No. Have you?” I shoved another fry in my mouth enjoying them. I was never
allowed to eat fried foods and now that I could, I took advantage of it.
“Yeah,
once with Landon.”
He took another drink, his eyes drifting to a farm in
the distance. “You
wanna
do it?”
“Could we be arrested?”
“It’s possible. Highly
unlikely here but it’s possible.”
“Let’s do it then.”
A few miles after
pulling off the side of the road, we found a pasture with cows.
Our plan was to sneak
up on them but when I sneezed, the cow kicked Dylan in the shin.
“You…had to…” he fell
over clutching his leg in pain. “Fuck…”
“I’m so sorry.” I
cringed looking at his now bloody calf. “I’m allergic or something.” I sneezed
once more and then let out a nervous giggle when the cow kicked again.
Fortunately, Dylan had moved out of the way this time.
“You could have
mentioned that before we came out here…” he voice trailed off when we heard
noises off to our left. “What was that?”
We could hear a
munching noise and I was sure it wasn’t the cow as it was now sitting beside
Dylan.
“What the fuck is
that?” I asked frantically clinging to his side.
“We need to go.” He
told me reaching for my hand. “With our luck it’s the owner of this place.”
“But what is it?” The
curious side of me won and I ran off the other direction, toward the noise.
“Bailey!” Dylan shouted
but kept his voice somewhat restricted. “Get back here.”
“I just
wanna
see what that was.”
Dylan caught up with me
quickly. “Come on.” His arm looped around mine tugging me the other direction.
“Let’s go.”
I had dance skills from
cheerleading all those years and spun out of his embrace, running from him, all
the while, laughing.
I’m not sure if it was my
laughing or what, but somehow, we attracted whatever it was making all that
noise while we played grab ass in a field full of cows.
When I saw what was
making the noise, I wished I had listened to him.
“Dylan,” Once again, I
was clinging to his side, both of us breathing ragged from the exertion and
being scared out of our goddamn minds that a bull was not more than twenty feet
from us.
Dylan’s head slowly
turned toward mine. “Awesome Bailey, just fucking awesome,” he said
sarcastically.
“Sorry.” I bit down on
my lip trying my best to look like a scared little girl to gain sympathy. I
don’t think it worked one bit.
“Don’t even try that.”
His grim expression told me he had no pity for me.
“What do we do now?”
“We get back to the
car, quickly.”
“The car is like a half
mile away, Dylan. What if it attacks us?”
“I suggest you stop
talking and start backing.”
Remaining quiet and not
making eye contact with the bull, we receded from it. A few feet from the car, and
thinking we were safe, we turned and ran only to have the bull charge into the
side of his car, on the driver’s side, once we were inside.