Walking in the Shadows

I
hadn’t always been like this;
a shadow person always on the edge of my lies. It was a matter of
circumstance more than anything—a
circumstance
that
I
avoided telling him. When I walked into the classroom I avoided his eye
s and shuffled to take a seat as far away from his livid glare as possible
.

“Good
m
orning
,
class
;
m
y name is Mr. K
nightley,”
h
e
greeted
.

I already knew
who he was
. He made me happy and undeniably flighty, so flighty that I had congratulated him on his acceptance of his dream job at the local high school. It was the high school
that I was
enrolled
in
as a
student
.
Now sitting in
his
class. 
I looked up into the eyes of the man
with whom
I was utterly in love and beseeched him to unde
rstand
. His aquamarine
eyes were dark with condemnation and fury
, yet his voice gave away none of those
emotions
as he continued
.
“Let’s start by going around the room and introducing ourselves. Say your name and one
thing about yourself that is o
f interest
,
as well as your favorite book,” h
e
instructed.  H
e swallowed and looked
away from me.
Now h
e nodded at the girl in the front row.

She smiled sugar sweet
,
and I swore I tasted bile in my throat
as she giggled
,
“Why don’t
you
begin
Mr. Knightley
?”

“
Well
,
you know my name. I just recently graduated
UMass
Amherst and
here I am
teaching for my first year
at Amherst
h
igh school
,” h
e answered
,
and
I could hear
the
anger in his
voice.
Despite the fact that
I was looking
at my notebook
I knew he was looking directly at me
.
“My favorite novel
is
The
Thirty Nine Steps
by John Buchanan
.
”

Almost every girl said their
favor
ite book was some novel from
The Crimson
Reign
saga
;
a craze I thought
would
never
end. I would not be one of them, for I had never picked up
one of those
books and now never could
—another matter of circumstance
. The girl i
n front of me turned with
a sn
arky
smile on her face.
“Your turn newbie.”

I looked up at h
im;
his eyes were distant because
he already knew all my
answers
. I opene
d my mouth to speak, but shut it.
I felt paralyzed
,
and I
felt I
looked like
a complete idiot
to the class
. I didn’t
car
e what they thought of me
, but what
he thought meant the world
,
and I
had no idea what he was thinking
.

“My n
ame is
Vera
. I
fear there is nothing of interest about me,
” I
replied
,
a
nd I
saw a faint smile
on
his lips
.
I could tell he was remember
ing when I had said that to him and
I continued,
“
Emma
by Jane Austen is my favorite novel.”

The smile quickly faded and his
acidic
eyes met mine agai
n.
I looked away in agony—
an agony I had not felt since the day my parents had been murdered.

“You’re
acti
ng strange
Vera
. W
hat’s wrong?” m
y boss
Kirsten
asked.
I
had
priced a shirt
with an unusual amount of force
with the gun
.

“
Mhmm
…
What?”
I mumbled back.

“You’re
acting strange?”

“I had a bad day at school. I’
m sorry
Kirsten
…
you un
derstand
--
I don’t exactly fit in,
”
I fumbled
with the words.
I was fine with not fitting
in;
it was everything else about the day that was wrong.

“You grew up fa
st—
they’
re still growing up. I
t’s not necessarily a bad thing…y
ou have your head on straight.”

“I’m
not so sure about that,
” I replied as
I picked up the shirt and admired it.

“You
like it?”
Kirsten
asked
as she watched me smooth the shirt
with particular care
.

“Yeah, it
’s pretty.
” I
was
glad
the subject changed
.

“It’s yo
urs and these,” s
he said as she dug
through a pile of
shoes, “w
ill look great along with
your skinny jeans.”

“
Kirsten
, I can’t take this fr
om you. . .”

“I can spoil you as much as I want. Your parents woul
d want me to because they can’t,
”
s
he replied
,
and I took them
,
knowing there was
no fighting her on the subject.
She leaned in and whispered,
“
So
. . .
it was Tad’s first day at his new job
,
right?
Have you talked to him yet?
”

“Not
really,
“I
answered
,
trying
hard to sound
unemotional so
that
I wouldn’t have to explain what I had done.

“
Did you see him today?”

I looked up
,
sure my eyes said it all.