Walking Wolf Road (Wolf Road Chronicles Book 1) (24 page)

“Jimmy, I’m so sorry…” Fen reached out but I recoiled.
 I felt betrayed; betrayed by him, and betrayed by myself. I curled up in the corner of the seat, and stared out at the cold and lifeless clouds, while the voice inside my head tore me apart.

Of course he doesn’t love you; he never did.
 Neither does Loki, that’s all their little games are; just games. The teasing, the smiles… But what did you expect you pathetic sack of shit? What’s the matter; did you forget no one could ever love you…?

Neither of us spoke other than the most basic of parting pleasantries when he dropped me off at home.
 I shuffled inside in my soaked clothes, but my family had left, and I didn’t even look at their note. I locked the door to the bathroom and cranked up the hot water full-blast.

I peeled off my clothes and stepped under the hot spray and stood there a moment before I grabbed the soap and started scrubbing.
 I could still smell him, and it sickened me. I scrubbed and scratched with my nails trying to cleanse myself of my stain, of the cold that choked my breath and squeezed my heart. I felt tainted… dirty… 

Little by little, I tore through the numb as I tore through my skin until the water ran pink with blood.
 The cuts burned, but at least it was feeling of some kind. The pain was the only thing that didn’t lie.

I collapsed to my knees in the spray of water and held my face.
 I dug my nails into my scalp and fought it, but something ruptured inside me, and I was glad that my family wasn’t home to hear me cry.

I wanted to die.

I told no one; and neither did Fen.

We didn’t speak again until winter break ended, and it was like we’d both decided to block it from our memories and continue as though nothing happened. Which was true, I supposed, since nothing actually
did
happen other than me making a fool of myself and getting rejected by both the people I loved within a week. On the outside, everything seemed the same; minus only Fen’s little offhanded comments that made me feel so warm. Part of me missed them…

Part of me wished he would burn in hell for them…

Mom got the drop on Mr. Spritari before school resumed, and took the police report into the office to make sure he didn’t try to pull something shitty—like expel me. Officer Jenson didn’t escort me off school grounds, nor did I catch sight of Jack or Malcolm in the halls. To keep from thinking about the painful thoughts that circled like sharks in my subconscious, I dedicated myself to wrapping up the last couple weeks of first semester without setting anything on fire.

After school, Bo caught up with me in the hall. “Hey Jimmy, um, what happened with you and Jack?”

“What do you mean?” I asked as Bo nodded at a pair of girls that said hi as they walked past.

“Jack and Malcolm were both suspended over break. No one really knows what happened, Jack’s acting weird and no one’s heard from Malcolm, but I tal—hi—” he responded to another duo of smiling girls that giggled past, “I talked to Jack at church on Sunday, and he flipped out on me.”

“Let me guess, he called me a demon?”

Bo raised an eyebrow, “Well, after he ranted for a while… yeah.”

“Oh, so he didn’t happen to mention anything about assaulting my six year old little brother, head butting him in the face, splitting his lip, and then ganging up with Malcolm to bash my skull into the concrete?” I snapped.

“Uh, no, he didn’t mention that…” Bo looked incredulous, so I pulled the hair back from my forehead and showed him the still
-pink scar just under my hairline as a trio of giggling ladies passed us. “Holy shit dude, I can’t believe he’d do something like—well, who the hell am I kidding, he’s always had a mean streak, I just can’t believe he did that to a little kid? No wonder his dad was so furious.” He shook his head.

Bo’s words made me flash back to the locker room. “Did Jack’s dad beat him again?” I asked.

Bo narrowed his eyes and glanced around, “How do you know about that?”

“
Jack tried to blame me for a black eye I never gave him, and I saw his dad smacking him around in the locker room after he was kicked off the football team; they didn’t know I was there.”

Bo heaved a sigh, “I’ve known Jack since third grade, and even back then he came to school with bruises and shit. Jack’s managed to keep most of his shenanigans under his dad’s radar but I heard this se
nt him overboard.”

“Sucks to be him, but I’m sorry Bo—” I shook my head, whatever pity I’d felt for
Jack back then had evaporated the moment he’d split Jacob’s lip. “Jack’s earned his punishment. The trial isn’t for another couple weeks, so we’ll see what happens.”

“Yeah, I guess you’re right. The way Jack reacted freaked me out though, he looked terrified. I dunno, you just don’t seem like a bad person to me…” I smiled at him in thanks, and we turned down different hallways.

Later that week I went over to Loki’s for her guitar lesson. As soon as I arrived I noticed she wasn’t wearing the ring I gave her, but Fen had used up all that was left in me to grieve. I pushed it all aside and her lesson went well until we took a break to grab sodas and went back into her room.

She took a sip and leaned back on her bed, looking at me.
“So, What’s been bothering you lately?”

“I dunno, nothing really…” I replied and played some notes on my guitar.

“You think that someone who knows you and Fen as well as I do couldn’t see the tension there? Was it because of what happened at Christmas?” I winced inside, but shook my head. “Then what is it?”

“Absolutely nothing.” I replied with a dead voice as the dragon’s coils shifted within me.

Loki sipped her soda and stared off into space.

“You know, a couple years ago after I broke up with my last boyfriend, Fen asked me out.”

“But I thought relationships were forbidden within the pack?” I frowned.

“Ah, but he hadn’t forbidden them
yet
. Fen’s harbored a crush on me the size of Texas since I moved here Freshman year.” My ears perked up and swiveled toward her. “But Fen’s the kind of guy that I can love as my best friend in the whole world; but I wouldn’t be able to love him the way he wants me to. Not to mention his timing was craptacular.” She winced and her voice broke a little, “I was…
destroyed
inside. But all he could see was what
he
wanted.”

Little pieces and quirks of his character clicked into place; little things that I’d ignored and polished over and excused because of my affection for him began to make sense.

She sighed and slid down onto the floor by me. “It creeps me out when I think about it, but I’ve known him for three years, and that entire time I don’t think I’ve ever seen him
cry
… Never seen any sign that he feels real emotions inside.” She sighed, “Jimmy, I know you have feelings for him…”

My head snapped around and my hackles rose. “What did he tell you?”

“Down boy! He didn’t tell me shit! I figured it out from watching
you
. Maybe you don’t realize how often you’d just sit there and stare at him with this moony on your face. I didn’t realize until I saw you two in school this week.” Her voice softened, “Something happened over break didn’t it?”

I stared at the ground and didn’t answer; didn’t want to acknowledge its reality.

“You don’t have to tell me
what
happened; just tell me yes or no.”

I swallowed and nodded.

“And I take it, it didn’t go well?”

I closed my eyes against the burning, and shook my head.

“Oh Jimmy, I’m so sorry. Fen is straight, he’s just… indifferent unless it helps or hinders his own agenda in some way. There’s so much you don’t know. Hell, Fen isn’t even his real name. He picked up the nickname from Fenrir in Norse mythology—which is where I got Loki—but never mind…”

I only half listened to what she said, “Then why did he lead me on like—?”

Almost as soon as the words left my mouth, pieces flew together in my mind and I gasped as it all fell into place, “Because he still loves
you
… He saw me as a threat, and the best way to keep me away from you was to make me more interested in him…” He always knew I felt the way I did… he
knew
, and used it against me.

“Yeah, that sounds like something he’d do. Except, if he knew you liked guys,
why would he see you as competition?” Loki asked and I looked at her.

“Think about it…” I said.

“Oh! It’s not
just
guys, you like girls too?” I nodded at her and turned red. For a moment, it looked like she wanted to smile, but she sighed and rested her forehead on her knees instead, “Well, that explains a lot. At least now you know why I made you promise not to tell him about the guitar lessons. These were something that was just ours; special to us, which he couldn’t control...” She set her hand on my knee.

I looked at her pale hand for a moment and then set mine on hers, it felt so warm. “It’s been special to me too,” I said softly and wrapped my fingers around her hand.

She glanced into my eyes and I felt the pull, the urge to lean over and kiss her…

Her face flushed and she looked away, “Geez, ‘Weird Month’ must be starting early this year.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Oh, we call February ‘Weird Month’ because of all the crap that happens to us. Shifting energy spikes, the festival of Lupercalia; and last but not least it’s our wild brethren’s mating season. Hormones and tempers run haywire and lots of flat-out weird stuff happens.
Woo-hoo…”

“Sounds like fun.”

“Oh, oodles of fun! Or a month of hell; either way you cut it, it’s always interesting!” She laughed. “February’s lunar cycle just started, so things are bound to get interesting closer to the Wolf Moon.”

I stared at her for a minute, then sighed; “Loki, why am I always drawn to people I can never have, or never deserve…”

“I dunno Jimmy… maybe you just
think
you don’t deserve them. Fen set you up. And I feel horrible that I didn’t see it in time.”

Yet, you didn’t hesitate to friend-zone the both of us…

“What I still don’t get is why Fen went so far to lead me on if relationships are forbidden?”

Loki watched me, “Do you honestly think they’d still be forbidden if I went out with him?”

“Son of a bitch…” I whispered in shock.
Of course!

“Fen is a control freak. I’m surprised you haven’t noticed that by now. He thinks that since he started this Pack that he’s basically dictator for life, and he backs it up by the fact that he is stronger than any of us, so no one’s ever won a dominance struggle with him.

“Case and point: Geri. He’s no pushover, but Fen pretty much set him as permanent Omega. It’s sad, but I’m not surprised he doesn’t hang out with us like he used to. He’s grown so withdrawn, and sometimes I feel like I don’t even know him anymore. Fen expects him to drive us everywhere, and he takes out most of his aggression on him. And, he gets away with it
because
Geri’s the Omega, that’s his job, and since Geri can’t overpower Fen, he can’t escape.”

“Why does Fen try to run this Pack like a school club? I would be Beta, if it weren’t for his freaking politics.” I stood up and turned in circles, I wanted to pace but the debris on Loki’s floor would’ve tripped me.

“I’m sure part if it was to keep me closer to him.” she muttered as she looked down and fiddled with her guitar pick.

“Bastard…” I whispered, my cold hands shaking.

“I’ve tried so hard to keep the peace. My god Jimmy, you have no idea
how much
I’ve given up, just because I wanted everyone to get along and be happy,” she wiped her eyes and fought back a sob. “But no matter what I do,
somebody
always ends up getting hurt, and I’m
tired
of trying to balance everyone else’s shit…” She covered her face with her hands, and I had to fight every tortured part of me that wanted to hold her.

I went home with my head spinning, confused and angry. It wasn’t fair… none of it was right! Fen was supposed to be my friend, my Alpha; he was the one I should trust without question. I should have listened to my gut months ago, first his secrecy about Lupa’s prophecy and Corwin’s suicide. Now this.

I really didn’t know him at all, and worst of all, I couldn’t trust him anymore.

Something must be done.

I hunted the black oblivion of sleep for what seemed like hours before I finally slipped away. I couldn’t rest though; vivid dreams dogged me all night long. Glimpses and snippets of soon forgotten conversations with Lupa danced in my head when the too-short night ended and morning crashed into me. Night after night passed this way as Lupa consumed them, but it was like a garbled radio station and I could only recall useless splinters when I woke.

I struggled with semester finals, but kept my head above water. Before classes changed, Mrs. Ashcroft helped convince Mr. Spritari to switch my first period to Advanced Art with Fen and Loki. Three quarters of the sleep-deprived Pack stuffed into a cold art room first thing in the morning. Yeah, it was good times.

To make it tolerable, I began a passive-aggressive coup against Fen. Loki was the key, and she was pissed enough with Fen to help me. The bastard needed to learn a lesson.

I sat between them at the table, joking with her and sometimes openly flirting; daring Fen to say or do something—anything. But Loki was right, his stoicism seemed to know no bounds, and nothing I did breached his shell. His lack of emotion was disquieting to say the least. Sometimes I felt anger or jealousy from him, like a flavor on my tongue, though he showed no signs of it. I wanted to take a crowbar to that frustrating head of his, let his thoughts sift through my fingers like sand and finally know why—all of the ‘why’s that had plagued me since the night he bit me.

Geri became more withdrawn, and barely talked. Whenever I called him to hang out or check on him, he was always busy with some level or raid or quest or whatever in a game. Sometimes I caught an angry or jealous vibe off him, but he refused to talk to me about it. I saw what Loki was talking about; Geri seemed miles away, and that distance seemed to grow every day.

Full Moon hit in the first week of February, but Fen and Geri got into a fight that night, and none of us wanted to hang out after that. I tried to call Geri, but he didn’t answer his phone. That night, my dreams plunged off the
deep end; ranging from abstract nightmares to the frustrating fractured dreams of the obsidian forest and our alabaster guardian.