Wandering in Exile (26 page)

She wasn’t worried for her own sake, but she was for her children’s. If she could just get them to all keep their heads down for a little while longer his anger would turn to cold brooding and, in time, that would have to come bubbling out. He would go on one more wild spree and that would be it. That would be the reason she needed.

“No, Jacinta. I have already talked with him. I told him that he must have misunderstood.”

She hadn’t. She had told him that his father was very sick and he shouldn’t pay any attention to anything he said right now. Martin, being as perceptive as he was, asked why Grandma Jacinta hadn’t said it wasn’t true.

“Grandma Jacinta is . . . well she’s so upset about Granddad that she is not being herself right now.”

“Is she going crazy again?”

He said it in such a matter of fact way that she had to be honest. “I think we all are.” She wanted to see him smile again and he did, but like he was forcing it for her sake. So much damage had been done already. ‘The wreckage of the past.’ She had heard the phrase so often and was finally coming to realize exactly what it meant. “Martin. It’s a really bad time for everyone right now. It’s just like in hockey. Sometimes you just have to force your way to the . . . goal.”

“It’s called the crease, Mum, and I hate when you try to talk hockey.”

“But you do understand what I’m trying to tell you.”

“Yeah, I get it.”

“Sweetie, I need you to know that Mammy will deal with it.”

“Are you going to make Dad leave again?”

She thought about reassuring him but she wanted to know what he thought Grainne would do.

“I think I might have to.”

“I think so too.”

“What do you think Grainne will do?”

They fell silent for the rest of the drive home, but when they were hauling his bag from the van, he hugged her for a moment. “It’s going to be all right, Mum. I’ll look after her.”

“He didn’t misunderstand anything.”

And even as she said it, Jacinta lowered her head and began to cry. At first, Deirdre just sat there, with the table between them. She had never had to deal with Jacinta like this before, not personally. But she had to now. She rose and cradled her mother-in-law’s sobbing head against her. It was the same thing she had done with the kids, so many, many times, but it felt weird. So she squatted until she could look up into Jacinta’s teary face.

She looked so much older from there and so frail and frightened. She cried openly and honestly; Martin had overheard them and she hadn’t stood up for Jerry because she was afraid that Danny would erupt and spoil things for everybody. “But I see now, I’m not doing anybody any good being here.”

“Oh, don’t say that, Jacinta.” Deirdre handed her a box of tissues. She kept one in every room.

“Deirdre,” Jacinta wiped her face and tried to look determined. “We both know what’s really going on and the last thing you needed right now is a visit from your mother-in-law.”

“No, Jacinta. Don’t think like that.”

“Now, Deirdre. Don’t be trying to tell me what to say or think. Wasn’t I doing both before you were born.” She had raised her head and smiled through the last of her tears, like she was letting Deirdre know she was going to be on her side now. “Not that I was ever great at it.”

She seemed to mull over that for a bit as Deirdre squatted and waited. Her thighs were killing her but she distracted herself by thinking of all the tightening she was doing. Besides, Jacinta seemed a lot happier.

“Do you mind if I ask you something, Deirdre?”

“Yes?”

“From before?”

Deirdre knew what was coming but got ready to smile anyway.

“Did you get back with Danny because you felt guilty?”

Deirdre had to smile at that. Jacinta wasn’t crazy—she was just far too perceptive. Maybe that’s where Martin got it. “Which time?”

Now it was Deirdre’s turn to cry a little, but she fought against it.

“Oh, now I’ve gone and upset you even more. It’s Danny that should be out here crying instead of you. You are a good, kind woman, Deirdre, and the best mother to my grandchildren. You deserve a better life than this and I’m going to start seeing you get it.” She nodded to her own thoughts as Deirdre rose to take it all in. Jacinta was giving her blessing and Deirdre loved her for that.

“And I’ll begin by getting out of your hair and letting you get on with what has to be done. Do you need any money? I wanted to give you some, only I don’t want himself to know about it.”

It was done; they were joined in conspiracy. “Thank you, Jacinta, but I don’t think I’ll need it.”

“You will. Besides, if you dangle it in front of himself like a carrot, he’ll follow it, right out the door.”

Jacinta went home a week later and by then she could tell, Deirdre was sorry to see her go.

She had spent the last few days taking her grandchildren shopping. The three of them went off on the subway every day to the Eaton Center. It was a bit noisy and busy, but it was the least she could do. Besides, Martin and Grainne loved it. Jacinta bought them whatever they wanted and felt better about things. Doing them a bit of good did her the world of good. And Deirdre needed some time to herself. And as far as Danny was concerned—it was better that they start getting used to being without him.

She thought she saw him flinch when she told him she was leaving, but then he just smirked and shrugged. As long as he had his drink in front of him, he didn’t care.

She thought about him on the plane home too. It was time for Deirdre and the kids to leave him for their own sake’s, but she was worried about what would happen to him after that. If he took the money she had left, he could get a flat somewhere and not end up in the gutter. And, after a few months alone, he might come to his senses. It was probably too late for Deirdre but he could still make things better between him and his kids. It would be work, but it could be done.

Only he’d need help.

The first person she thought about was Fr. Reilly, but he was no good to her now.

And then she remembered that day he became the face of Jesus. People still laughed when she told them, but she had seen it. Right in front of her.

That was it. She’d do whatever had to be done so that some good would happen to Danny. When she got home, she’d go down to the church and have a chat with the Virgin Mary. Then she’d tell Mrs. Flanagan that she was going to take her to Rome so she could pray near the pope.

Jacinta didn’t believe in all that but Mrs. Flanagan still did.

It could only bring good; goodness always did.

“I know. I know. It’s just guilt but it just keeps creeping back in. What do you expect from someone who was schooled by nuns?”

“Deirdre, I’m the ex-nun and even I think that’s nonsense. Catholic wives have suffered enough.”

“You’re right, and I know what I have to do. And I will; only I’ll most likely have a few breakdowns along the way.”

“Does his mother know?”

“She does and even she agrees.”

“Well, there you go then.”

“It’s not his mother I worry about.”

“Grainne will be fine. It will be hard on her for a while but you’ll see: in a few months things will look so much better—for everyone.”

“You have no idea what that little girl can get up to in a few months.”

“Deirdre. Get hold of yourself. She’s the child and you’re the adult.”

“Are you trying to tell me that my daughter is spoiled?”

“Yes, but don’t worry; they’re all spoiled these days. I blame ‘girl power.’”

“Miriam? Have you sold out on feminism?”

Miriam hugged her and laughed. “This was not what all those poor bras were burned for.”

They needed to lighten up before the kids got home from school.

“I am trying, you know?”

Karl was always difficult to read but Danny knew that whatever he said to him would get back to Deirdre. He didn’t like Karl and he couldn’t stand the ex-nun, but now that they were here, he’d be on his best behavior. He knew he was on thin ice since his mother left.

“How?”

“I’m just sticking to beer.”

“And does that cut it?”

“Look, I’m Irish. For us, cutting back is like other people quitting.”

Karl didn’t smile; he just looked bemused.

“No, I’m serious. I’m going to get it together again. It’s just with my Da dying and all—a lot of unresolved issues, ya know?”

Karl nodded as if he did.

“It’s got me thinking about the way I am with my own kids too.”

Karl just looked at him and Danny couldn’t tell, but decided to pour on a bit more. “I’m going to start making changes. Big changes.”

“Can you do it on your own?”

“I have to. I can’t go back to those meetings. They’re always saying that it’s not about religion but then they’re always going on about God and all. I’ve had enough of all that. This time, I’m going to beat it on my own.”

“Well, I wish you the best.”

It almost sounded like he meant it, but Danny knew better. He and the ex-nun where just waiting for him to fuck-up again so they could persuade Deirdre to throw him out. Sometimes, he wished they would so he could just get it over with. But then he’d think of Grainne. Martin would be delighted to see the back of him but Grainne was still ‘his little girl.’ She’d end up just like the way he was.

He was hanging on for her sake. He was going to tone it down. He’d even talked to the doctor about anti-booze pills, only the doctor wouldn’t give them to him until he stopped. He was going to, in the new year. There was no point now; it would be Christmas in a few months.

He’d have to take it easy, though, and not fuck up like he did every other year. He’d do it for Grainne’s sake.

He had just one glass of wine with dinner—turkey with all the fixings.

Deirdre and the kids really got into Thanksgiving. They’d all spent Saturday morning down at the St. Lawrence buying sprouts and cheeses and cranberries and little gourds to decorate with. He used to go with them before, but he hadn’t the last few years. He didn’t think they would have wanted him there anymore.

When they’d finished eating, he helped Deirdre tidy up. They had managed to get back on civil terms but it was just for show. He knew that she despised him—she couldn’t hide it anymore—so they put everything away in a silent ballet. He wished there was something he could do but there wasn’t; she just didn’t believe in him anymore.

He resented her for that and the little flutters of rage fanned old embers smoldering beside the combustible pool of shame that sloshed around inside of him. She was making him pay for his sins, with Miriam and Karl just sitting there, watching them like they were watching a play or something. He was sick and tired of people looking at him like that. They’d been doing it his whole life.

Only when Karl did it, it was like he was looking at something that was dying. The ex-nun just looked right through him like he wasn’t even there anymore.

When they’d finished, he went to check on the kids. Karl had brought them the
Lion King
video and they were happy, curled across each other on the basement couch, out of earshot. He had a few bottles behind the bar—just in case—but he couldn’t go near them. Even though they were watching the movie, their eyes followed him around.

So he headed back to the kitchen where the ex-nun was going on about Fr. Melchor again. The old coot was being shipped back to the catacombs and she was worried about him. She was saying that he hadn’t been the same since he’d been shot.

There’s a lot of that going around
, he whispered to Anto, but he didn’t answer.

He’d been very moody lately, like he was getting exasperated, and that just pissed Danny off a little more. Even the poor fucking ghost who had been sent to haunt him couldn’t stand him anymore.

Fuck the begrudgers.
He smiled to himself and hung around the door to the basement.

“Are Mammy and Daddy getting a divorce?”

“I don’t know.”

“Why do people get divorced?”

“It’s like the circle of life thing.”

“How?”

“Well first people get married. Then they have kids and then they stop liking each other. Not everyone, just those who get divorced.”

“What happens after a divorce?”

“It’s great. You get to live in two houses and you get two presents, too, for Christmas and your birthday. And daddies have to take their kids to the zoo and stuff, more often.”

“How do you know?”

“Some of the guys on the team have parents that got divorced.”

“Do the kids have to be split up?”

“No, silly. Besides, I told you before. I’ll always look after you.”

“Even when I get divorced?”

“I couldn’t, Mrs. Boyle. That’s just far too generous.”

They were sipping their sherries in the Yellow House. It was a cold wet day and the church was cold and damp. Fr. Dolan had the heat down so low that when they rose, their knees were aching. Jacinta thought she was going to be in there all day as Mrs. Flanagan checked off her rosary beads, one after the other.

“It’s nothing of the sort. It’s just Jerry’s company is sending me over and I can bring one guest.”

It wasn’t a total lie. She had told Gina all about her plan and even though her sister didn’t seem convinced, she was very enthusiastic.

“Well, it’s still very generous of you, but it wouldn’t feel right.”

“But you have to come with me. Knowing me, I’d only get lost or something and besides, they’d have to hear your prayers there.”

“Well, only if you’re sure.”

“I am. I’ve been reading about it too. All kinds of Irish people have had their hearts buried there.”

“Well that’s nice, but my heart has already been buried.”

Jacinta raised her glass. It wasn’t going to be easy, but it was the least she could do. Besides, she’d find out where Fr. Reilly was and they could have a nice visit. He’d understand what she was trying to do.