Wanderlove (36 page)

Something flashed in Gabe’s eyes, but he quickly looked away.

“I’m sorry it didn’t work out as I had hoped.”

“Don’t be,” I said and placed my hand over his. The touch startled us both and he stared at our hands. I quickly took mine back and breathed in a deep breath.

I hadn’t even thought about my actions as they were happening. Reaching for Gabe’s hand came so naturally. Like I’d done it a million times.

I knew I couldn’t keep pretending in front of him. Pretending I didn’t miss him after a century apart. Pretending I didn’t love him…pretending I could exist without him. I wished I were brave enough to tell him that. Instead, I merely closed my eyes and let myself fall asleep.

Later, I awoke with my head crooked into Gabe’s shoulder, his arm around me. We were landing. I lifted my head and drew myself away from him again. I wondered if it was the last time I’d ever touch or speak to him again.

I was groggy while walking up the porch steps to my grandmother’s beach house. The long plane ride had left me really jetlagged. At the same time, it felt nice coming back to Clearwater. There were things I hadn’t realized I would miss so much. Like the roar of the ocean waves, the salt in the air, the breezes…I guessed that meant this was becoming home to me now.

Home.

It was such a strange word.

“So, how long are you staying for this time?”

Miriam was waiting by the door. It was barely seven o’clock in the morning, but she’d known my flight would arrive this early. I’d called and left her a voicemail about it yesterday.

I was a little intimidated by the prospect of facing her. I wasn’t exactly sure how she would react to my coming back here.

“Actually, I’d like to stay permanently-if that’s okay with you.”

I watched as the corners of my grandmother’s mouth curved into a sly smile. In that one small smile, all my fears were immediately put to rest. “I like that idea,” she told me. “Of course, you’ll have to go back to school.”

I gave her a little salute. “Straight away.”

She nodded. “Okay, then, it’s settled.”

“Thanks, Grams.”

“Child, you don’t have to thank me for something you never had to ask me for in the first place.”

I smiled back at her. It suddenly occurred to her to ask me, “So, Christo is okay with you being here?”

“Well, he isn’t exactly thrilled by the idea. But amazingly, he’s letting me make this choice for myself.”

“Well, I’ll be damned.”

“I know, right? He’s almost a decent and respectable person now. He said being in jail gave him ‘perspective.’”

My grandmother snorted. “I wouldn’t go
that
far. Your father can put his boots in the oven, but that don’t make ‘em biscuits.”

It was way too early in the morning to try to understand Miriam’s idioms, so I just smiled and we walked inside.

“Speaking of biscuits, Grams, I’m a little hungry. Do you mind if I cook something?”

“Sure,” she said. “I’ll help you. I’ve been kind of liberal with my grocery shopping these days and I actually have some carbs stocked up in the fridge.”

“Nice.”

Miriam and I cooked pancakes together. The house was quiet and the only sounds came from the clanking of dishes, the sizzling of the frying pan and other kitchen sounds.

We ate together around the island. Neither of us said anything until we finished our plates.

“I haven’t had a good pancake in over a year,” Miriam told me.

I smiled. “They
were
pretty delicious,” I said.

Silence filled the air again. I heard the noise of someone moving around upstairs.

Annika.

My throat constricted whenever I thought of her.

I think Miriam caught me looking towards the ceiling because she knew the direction my thoughts were headed.

“She’s okay with you coming back,” Miriam said to me softly. “In fact, I think she’s relieved.”

“Why on earth would she be relieved?”

“I think she feels guilty.”

“For what?”

“She knew about your abduction, Lola. Before it happened. She saw Gorge coming to your school in her dream and she found out he was the one who had broken into the school. He was searching for your records. Since she knew Gabe would eventually find you, she didn’t try and stop it from happening.”

I gulped my orange juice, trying to avoid the anger from washing over me. I was through being upset with Annika.

Miriam continued by telling me, “She didn’t know you would be tortured, Lo. She feels incredibly sorry about that. Like I told you before, she’s not a horrible person. She was simply going through a hard time.”

I nodded and forced myself to smile. “I understand.”

A few nights had passed since I’d come home, which was still a weird way for me to think of this place. It was the weekend and I would be starting school on Monday. I desperately hoped I could catch up. Miriam already mentioned I would likely have to enroll myself in summer school-a prospect which had me groaning. I’d wanted to spend at least part of my summer visiting my father and my old troupe. But I wasn’t sure if that could happen now.

I walked the beach every night also, casting wary glances at the Constantin mansion. I think I hoped maybe Gabe would see me in his line of vision and come to see me. But he didn’t-which was good. I didn’t know what I’d say to him, anyway.

“You’re moping,” Miriam pointed out to me. We’d just eaten dinner and she caught me scrubbing the same dish for a long time. I quickly rinsed it and picked up another as if nothing were wrong.

“What do you mean? I was just daydreaming or something,” I said, trying to laugh it off.

She raised a skeptical brow.

“You better just go and speak with him. Get it over with.”

I dropped my dish now and turned off the hot water. “What are you talking about, Grams? I was just doing the dishes.”

“You know what I’m talking about, Lo.”

I crossed my arms, frustrated. I decided to give up my pretense act of being okay. “I thought you didn’t think it was safe for me to be around him. So why do you suddenly think I should go talk to him?”

“It is safer when you’re not around him. But in my opinion, you’re going to remember your past whether you’re around him or not. You may as well be happy with the time you’ve got, even if it’s only a short time.”

With that said, Miriam left the room, leaving me to contemplate what I should do. I was more confused than ever. For the time being, I decided I would do nothing. Besides, Gabe hadn’t made an effort to see me since we’d come back. I was sure he’d seen me walking close to his house. Maybe he didn’t care as much anymore. And maybe that was a good thing.

Sadly, I finished the dishes and headed upstairs to my bedroom. I stayed awake all night, thinking about things. I remembered so many happier times with Gabe. The two of us laughing over silly jokes, dancing to countless songs and watching thousands of sunsets together. I remembered Gabe playing the piano while I listened from my window seat, smiling. I remembered reading to Gabe from my books while he rested his head in my lap. I remembered our beautiful children, and their children. I remembered exotic places the two of us visited together, exploring and finding new adventures.

I remembered happiness.

“Just breathe,” I said to myself. “You’re going to go through with this.”

I’d made up my mind. After a night of hardly any sleep, I decided I would follow my heart. I would tell Gabe how I felt, and I prayed he still felt the same way.

I was so nervous, walking along the docks and heading towards Gabe’s boat. My feet felt much heavier, too. Like stones. I forced myself to walk faster, before I changed my mind and ran back to the house.

I heard a familiar voice laughing as I neared the boat. It was a woman’s voice. A ball of anxiety formed in the pit of my stomach. I turned past a corner and saw the side of Gabe’s body from where I stood. My feet slowed.

Gabe was wearing his khaki cargo shorts, a brown leather belt, and no shirt. His abdomen muscles contracted as if he were laughing hard about something. I moved closer to him, taking one step at a time. . .until I finally saw her.

It was Annika.

My stomach felt like it dropped out from under me and my throat swelled up in the same instance. It had been her voice I heard laughing happily. She continued to giggle even now.

Gabe turned towards me suddenly. He hadn’t even noticed me coming through his mind sight, he’d been so distracted by Annika. Realizing this made me wish he hadn’t seen me at all.

His lazy grin disappeared when he saw my expression.

Feeling ashamed for letting him catch me there, I turned away and walked back in the direction I’d come from. I didn’t know what else to do.

My breath wavered as I inhaled deeply a few times-a lame attempt at trying to keep the tears away. My eyes watered anyway.

“Lola, wait!”

Gabe called me from behind. I looked back to see he was running barefoot towards me on the wooden dock.

I kept walking, but slowed my pace, allowing him to catch up with me.

“It’s okay,” I said as soon he reached my side. “You don’t have to explain anything.”

“What do you mean?” he asked. “Did you-- did you think that me and Anni. . .” He paused to let out a nervous laugh. “Anni and I aren’t back together, Lo.”

I stopped walking, crossing my hands over my chest. The sun was a little blinding, but his perfect body glimmered through the yellow rays and I couldn’t tear my eyes away. It was enough to make any girl uneasy. My gaze traveled down the length of him, until I realized what was happening.

I snapped my head back up.

I decided to keep my attention on his face only.

“Yes, but you’ve clearly made up with her. That’s a step forward. And it’s a good thing-because I want you both to be happy.” My voice broke a little at the end and I looked away.

Gabe forced me to face him, tilting my chin in his direction. He kept his sparkling gray eyes locked upon me, his mouth curving at the corners. It was almost a smile, but not quite.

“You still love me, admit it.”

I stubbornly squared my shoulders and narrowed my eyes. “I’ve moved on and so should you,” I blatantly lied.

“I want to hear you admit it, Lo.”

“Go back to Annika, Gabe. You belong with her. . .you deserve someone like her.”

I tried to walk away again, but Gabe grabbed my arm and pulled me to him, until I was so close that his scent alone intoxicated my senses.

“Annika came by my boat today to tell me that she no longer harbors any resentment over the broken engagement. She was only trying to make nice.”

I looked him in the eyes. He was telling the truth. “So why did
you
come here?” he asked me.

I shrugged, forgetting my reasons for coming. I felt like an idiot. “I just wanted to thank you for going to Redwood Forest to help me.”

His gray eyes hardened. He seemed disappointed with my answer. “Don’t mention it.”

Though it seemed like we were done with this conversation, he didn’t let go of my arm.

As difficult as it was to admit, I told Gabe, “You look right together, you know. Even if that’s not what Annika came here for, I know she’d take you back in an instant.”

Gabe sighed, a heavy sound. He moved even closer to me, which I hadn’t thought was possible. Startlingly, he pulled me completely up against him so I could feel his every rippling muscle through my clothes and along my own body.

He gathered my long hair into his hands, leaning over me and breathing in my scent. He took my face between his hands and stared intently into my eyes.

“I only want you,” he breathed. “I deserve you, Lo. And you deserve me, too.”

Deserve him?

I sighed, and my anxiety seemed to dissipate after hearing his declaration. I wondered if he was right. Could it even be possible for me to deserve Gabe?

I only knew I no longer had a choice in the matter.

“Say it, Lo,” he practically growled, his agitation increasing.

“All right.
All right
,” I allowed, finally giving in. “It’s true, I love you.”

He grinned. His instant happiness caused my heart to skip a beat. I knew I wanted to look at that happy grin for the rest of my life, and all of my lives. I wanted to be the one to put it there again and again.

“Good,” he told me. “Because I happen to love you, too. I have since you first came to my rescue during that night of the storm, several lifetimes ago. My feelings haven’t weakened since then; they’ve only increased with time. I’ve loved you in every life, whether we were together or not. And on the day you came storming up here, complaining about those damn cans I planted, I knew my feelings would never change. Even then, I knew there was no use trying to make a new life for myself. Any life without you is meaningless.”

His words were so lovely, so perfect. . .

Confusion spread across my features as it dawned on me
exactly
what he said. “You planted those cans along the beach?”

He winced as he realized his slip-up. “Let’s not ruin a perfect moment--”

“Do you know how long it took me to clean those up?” I yelled.

“How else was I supposed to get you to come to me? I wanted to see you again. And you didn’t even recognize me at the time!”

“But you were rude!” I argued.

He grimaced. “Yeah, I was having an internal battle with myself. Sorry about that.”

I angled my face upwards, holding a hand over my eyes to block the sunlight so I could get a better view of his expression. “What kind of internal battle?”

Gabe shrugged. “You know, it was the devil on one shoulder and the angel on the other shoulder sort of situation.”

Despite my anger, I smiled at his analogy.

“On one hand, I wanted you,” he continued. “And on the other, I was mad at myself for compromising your memories.”

“Which side did you end up choosing: the devil or the angel?”

“Well. . .I ended up choosing the devil. But it turns out the devil isn’t so bad, after all. He’s got kind of an angelic streak to him.”