Authors: Shannon Dianne
“Sorry, but we don’t have any almond milk left.”
“Oh no!” Beckett screams.
“Beckett,” Winnie warns. “Don’t start that crying.”
“Don’t worry, baby,” I tell Beckett, “I’ll head to the market and get some after I order.”
“I love you, Daddy.”
“Love you too, baby. And let me get another one with an eighth of a cup of warm milk added, three teaspoons of whipped cream on top, and a quarter teaspoon of chocolate shavings.”
“Pretty good, Dad,” Ralphie says.
“A tall coffee with two sugars and a little cream and…” I look to Winnie for her to order that nonsense she just told me.
“Same thing as him,” she says. After I hand the barista my bank card, and the barista promises that he’ll have our orders delivered, Winnie and the kids take a seat outside at the French iron tables that are right next to some outdoor heaters. I run across the street to the market and get organic almond milk for Beckett. As I’m in checkout, I see Winnie and the kids smiling, laughing at something Harper’s saying, huddled over their drinks and under an umbrella covering, as snows glides down around them.
I don’t know why it took me so long to see what I had. I don’t know why after all these years I can finally say: this is what I was given and this is what I want. I don’t know what made my mind click. I guess I had this romantically nostalgic image of Jasmine and our past, when in actuality, our past wasn’t as splendid as I remembered it. It’s kinda like that movie
Gone With The Wind
when the old South with its slavery, whips and auctioning blocks seemed much more beautiful than the new South with its freemen, registered voters, missionary workers and public schooling. Or it could be that Jasmine’s behavior last month reminded me of a woman that I’ve spent years trying to forget. A woman who went loco over me after months of meaningless sex. A woman who ultimately…damn, I can’t even say it. I remember my father trying to clean that shit up for me. I remember him trying to get a copy of the note.
The note.
I remember thinking that Winnie would find out and would surely leave me over that shit. I remember being scared out of my mind. I remembering me thinking: that’s it, no more. This woman was unstable and I had no idea. This woman had issues and I was fucking her. She could have murdered my ass in my sleep for all I know. She could have put some shit in my drink. She could have recorded our conversations. She could have destroyed me. I had
no idea
what kind of woman I was having an affair with. No. No more. I remember thinking that I would never do that again.
And then she was gone.
The note.
I remember the fear wearing off. I remember me fucking the next woman six months later. I remember me missing Jasmine. I remember me wanting that Jasmine-feeling back. I remember Winnie not being able to give me that Jasmine-feeling. But then I got Jasmine and that feeling back and it was great…and then it was good…and then I thought that maybe I could be happy with Winnie without screwing Jasmine. And then… I
am
happy with Winnie without screwing Jasmine. And maybe I spent the last decade searching for something that I never really needed in the first place. Maybe those three nights I spent with Jasmine were just what I needed to get her out of my system. Maybe it was what I needed to realize that Winnie gives me everything I want and need. And, why is it that when I think of Jasmine, all I want to do is fuck her? Damn. Maybe I don’t need Jasmine. Maybe I’m remembering that other woman and how unstable she was, how Jasmine started to act just like her. Maybe I thought about that note.
The note.
Maybe it’s just that I realized that I’ve been wrong all of these years. After years and years of ruining my life, destroying Winnie’s life and destroying the lives of women around me, I can finally see that Winnie is the only woman I want. I just thank God that I’ve realized that before it was too late for me.
But it’s too late for
her
. I won’t turn Jasmine into
her
. It’s not fair to Jasmine and quite frankly, I can’t go through that again. I’m ready to fly right. I’m ready to be with Winnie only. No one else. No other woman. No one but Winnie.
I leave the market with a small paper bag of almond milk in my hand. Beckett’s the first one to see me as I cross the street.
“Aww,” she screams out as she clasps her hands together. “I love you, Daddy!”
MALCOLM
“I love you, Daddy!”
Nat and I both turn around in the truck as we hear the declaration of love. Together we look at the entrance of Starbucks and see Winnie and the kids sitting at a table near a heater.
“Oh shit,” Nat says. “Did you see them walk in?”
“No. Shit.” Nat’s truck is on the opposite side of the street from Starbucks, our back is to the front door. “They’ve already been in there,” I say as I notice Winnie and the kids with drinks in their hands. And that’s when I see him. Jacob. He’s carrying Jaden in that Bjourn baby carrier Red and I bought him and Winnie.
“They didn’t look like they saw him,” Nat says as he looks back at Marlon and Demetrius.
“Of course they didn’t, it’s crowded as hell in there.” But damn, should we go break up this little love fest now? Jake and his family are sitting right by the door. If Demetrius walks out before they leave, it could get ugly. Especially since Marlon is with him. Jacob’s a Blair—he’s quick. He’ll start suspecting shit, just like me. He’ll start thinking about Winnie and Demetrius five years ago. He’ll start thinking about him and Jasmine. He’ll start wondering if motives are involved. He’ll start wondering if Marlon had anything to do with Demetrius and Winnie’s hookup five years ago. And if there’s one thing I know about Jake it’s that he has a short fuse. Winnie and his kids are the only people he has any patience for.
“Should we go in there before they walk out and cross Jake?” Nat says as he looks at me.
“Oh, now you’re looking for me to tell you what to do.”
“Shut the fuck up.”
I look at Marlon. His head is buried in his hands again while Demetrius leans into the table and talks.
“Yeah,” I say as I put my hand on my door handle. “Let’s go in there.”
JON
“I love you, Daddy!” I hear a little kid say.
“Oh, wow! Uncle Jake!” Nicky screams out as he points outside of the window of California Pizza Kitchen. Uncle Jake. You have no idea how much I hate those fucking Blairs.
“Oh, it is!” Marla says. I don’t even turn to look. Who gives a damn? I bite into my pizza slice. “And look, he has the whole brood out.” She turns to Nicky and me. “I guess everyone’s having a family day tonight.” She takes a sip of her Coke and smiles.
“I’ve gotta go to the bathroom,” Nicky says.
“Wait!” Marla and I scream at the same time. Nicky, who was already halfway out of his seat, eases back down.
“Not this again.” He drops his head back onto the booth.
“Nicky you know better than to go running off,” I say as I slide out of the booth.
“Dad, no one’s gonna steal me.”
Marla knocks on the wood table.
“Come on,” I say as I feel my cell vibrating in my pocket. I already know it’s family from LA. They’ve been calling me about my brother Seth all damn day.
“When I come back I want a side of avocado rolls,” Nicky says as he jumps out of the booth.
“But you just ate pizza,” Marla says.
“They’re for my mom. She’s been talking about them all week.”
“Oh okay. Do you want dessert, honey?”
“Nope!” he screams over his shoulder. “I have donut holes waiting for me at home.” He runs towards the men’s room as I follow behind.
“I’ll order them!” Marla calls out after us. I look at my phone and see that my father’s calling…again. I swear, I used to never be able to find this clown. Now I can’t dodge him for nothing.
“Pop,” I answer.
“Alright, so this is where we are right now,” he says in a business voice. “The social worker just left your mama’s house and said no dice.”
“What?” I watch Nicky bust through the bathroom door. Why does he always wait until the last minute to take a piss? “What do you mean the social worker said no?”
“She wasn’t impressed with the house you bought your mother.”
“What are you talking about? It’s five bedrooms, four baths, five thousand square feet-”
“And it’s filled to capacity.”
“What do you mean?”
“You know your mama. Got everybody who was ever born in LA living up in here.”
“Like who?”
“Well for starters, your cousin Sandy and her husband and their three kids.”
“What?”
“Sandy was laid off, and as you know, Darryl is a
stay-at-home dad
.” My father’s voice lets me know what he thinks of that. “Also, your sister, her husband and their two kids are here. You know, I love Anne, but for the life of me, I can’t figure out what that husband sees in her. Never thought I’d say that about my own offspring but he could do better. Now, she’s gone and spent all their mortgage money in Reno. Couldn’t even spend it in Vegas. Spent that shit in
Reno
. Then your mama’s sister Shirley is here since she stepped out on Robert. Who, by the way, has been coming here every night, drunk as Cooter Brown, singing under Shirley’s window. Not a bad voice but I definitely could do without it while I’m trying to watch
Scandal
.”
“Wait a minute, how do you hear him at night?”
“Oh, well, uh, your…I’ve been staying here helping your mama out.”
“With what? At best, you’re good for nothing.”
“Thanks Jon.”
“If you ever found something you were good at, it was a mistake.”
“Yeah, I get the point. Ever heard about forgiveness? Ever heard about God?”
“You left my mother with eight kids in a rundown three bedroom home in Los Angeles. God’s not thinking about your ass.”
“Listen, I was wrong, alright? Which is why I’m trying to help out as best as I can now. So back off! Now, your brother and Bonnie are about to have this baby and it’s not the best time. Seth has a full ride to Georgetown and goddammit, my boy is going to Georgetown. The only other kid that I’m remotely proud of left LA, went to school on a full basketball scholarship, got married, had a boy and is now a damn millionaire. That’s you, Jon. Out of eight kids, you’re the only success story we’ve got. You’re all we’ve got. I need another son out there, making shit happen, just like you. I need Seth to become a Jon. Do you hear me?”
Damn. My father is proud of me?
Silence fills the airwaves between us.
“Yeah, I hear you,” I finally say as I run my hand over my face.
“Alright. Now the social worker said the house is nice, the drapes are pretty, but there’s too many folks here. If your mama got custody of the baby, it wouldn’t have a place to sleep. And of course, your mama’s not about to kick anyone out. Then the social worker said your mama don’t have a job.”
“What is she talking about? I give Ma eighty-five hundred a month.”
“Yeah, but the social worker said that’s not income, it’s a gift. And just because you give it one month, that doesn’t mean you’ll give it the next. So we tried to give the worker my trucker salary. Showed her some paystubs and everything. Says that $35,000 is fine and since your mama and I are still legally married, she said that we could use my wage as joint income. But then it comes back to the space issue. Nowhere for the baby to lay it’s head. So, your mama told Seth and now he’s sitting around here worried that he’ll have to either let go of the scholarship or give the baby up for adoption. Now your mama’s been crying for a half hour, cussing everybody out cuz can’t nobody take this baby in. Nobody can pass the social worker’s inspection. None of your sisters or brothers. And we don’t want to give the baby to nobody else in the family because legally, they’d have power over him.”
So I guess Seth’s having a boy. “What about Bonnie’s family? Why can’t her parents take the baby?”
“Don’t want to. Plain and simple.”
“Are you kidding me?”
“Listen Jon, Bonnie lives here with Seth and your mama.”