Authors: Gavin Smith
‘Do you want to talk about your feelings?’
He stared at me, appalled. ‘No, I really don’t.’
‘Thank fuck for that. I found a bottle of brandy.’
He immediately brightened up. ‘Cool. Hey, is that Merle’s?’
I just grinned.
‘I just felt stupid, you know. I fell too far, too fast and for the bad boy, the cool guy that Mum warned me about. What a fucking cliché.’
We were both quite drunk now on Merle’s brandy and some of the moonshine that the Kiwis brewed. Morag was right: Mudge was hurting, but he’d cope.
‘Merle’s not cool; he’s a dick.’
‘He is cool. You’re just jealous because he’s harder than you.’ Who wasn’t? ‘Seriously, are you ever going to win a fight?’
‘I won lots of pit fights. I fought three guys up in the Highlands,’ I protested.
‘Yeah, yeah, you won loads of fights when nobody was around.’
‘Hell, you don’t have to split up with him just because he betrayed me and you put a gun to his head,’ I suggested, trying to change the subject. I sort of meant it in a I-just-want-my-mate-to-be-happy kind of way. ‘I mean, Morag’s shot at me
and
tried to kill me.’
Mudge looked confused. ‘Shooting at you
is
trying to kill you,’ he pointed out. I nodded sagely. ‘But I don’t really want that kind of relationship, you know,’ he continued. I nodded again. Ideally I didn’t want that kind of relationship either. ‘Are you guys back together?’ he asked.
‘Fucked if I know,’ I said gloomily and helped myself to another swig of the moonshine. I was starting to like the taste of it. Or more likely my taste buds were dead.
‘How are you?’ Mudge finally asked.
I shrugged. ‘Alcohol, denial and drugs will see me through. Concentrate on the job in hand and have nightmares about it for years to come. The usual.’
‘It wasn’t the usual though, was it?’
‘No, no, it really fucking wasn’t. Watching her die, then her being alive again. It’s almost like Rolleston putting two in her head is what I’ve got to look forward to. Like it was a …’
‘Premonition?’ Mudge was looking at me like I was an idiot.
‘I don’t think I could cope with it again.’
‘So walk away. She won’t. She’s hugely overcompensating for something at the moment. She sounds like a fanatic.’
‘She wanted to leave Rannu possessed,’ I said, shaking my head. ‘I don’t get that at all – it doesn’t seem like her. What if I’ve made things worse? Hurt her too much?’
‘Damaged her? That’s your martyr complex kicking in. It’s not all down to you. Other bad things happen.’
I passed the moonshine over to Mudge. He took a long pull on the bottle. ‘Gaaah! This stuff’s horrible,’ he said and then took another long pull.
‘The thing I can’t deal with is what I was saying when I was possessed. I mean, that was me. No doubt about it. I remember saying those things and meaning them. I remember the thoughts. I …’ I trailed off.
I couldn’t explain the possession to myself, couldn’t reconcile it with being me. The thoughts I had had. White had become a deep black. Wanting to do all those horrible things, things that I would have done had I been free.
‘You know that wasn’t you, don’t you?’ Mudge asked, passing the moonshine back.
‘At some level, but my … the reality of the situation, my memories are that it was me. The thoughts I thought … As if everything I’ve done – killing, fighting, hurting, stealing and fucking people over – as if that somehow wasn’t nearly bad enough.’
‘Possessed-you wasn’t that much of a bigger prick than real-you,’ Mudge said, grinning in the dark. I gave him the finger. ‘That’s your problem. You’re not comfortable with who you are. You want to be a nice guy, liked, but we don’t live in that sort of world. Come to terms with who you are; do the best you can but realise that sometimes you have to be a bastard, and if you want to beat the other guy then you’re going to have to be a bigger bastard than him.’
‘That easy, huh?’
‘Nah, those are just words. Seriously, I suggest remaining drunk and stoned until the bad thoughts and memories recede into the distance behind you.’
‘That easy, huh?’
‘Nah, those are just words. Deal in your own way or go under. Same as it ever was.’
‘You’re a huge comfort to me, Mudge. I want you to know that.’
The cave illuminated as Mudge lit another spliff. The flame distorted and exaggerated his features, making him look demonic. The flame disappeared but an afterglow remained.
‘Maybe that’s it. We don’t have anything like the resources and commitment to being a cunt that Rolleston has. How can we win against that?’ I asked.
Mudge shrugged. ‘I’m not sure we have to win. Just fight. Prove that we’re alive, that we were here at this point.’
‘You sound like Balor.’
‘Balor wanted glory; I just want to live my life without slithering around on my belly begging for scraps.’
I nodded at this. It had the sort of drunken logic that sounded brilliant until you woke up in the morning and realised that the world was more complicated than that.
‘So are we finished feeling sorry for ourselves in a dark cave?’ Mudge asked. I nodded. ‘Now that you’re good and drunk you should see if you can get laid.’
It seemed like a good idea for a moment.
‘You going to make up with Merle?’ I asked. Mudge shrugged.
‘You going to let Pagan off the hook?’ he asked.
I shook my head vehemently. ‘No, fuck that. We were supposed to be mates. You’ve no idea what I went through because of that guy!’
‘He thought he was doing the right thing. He realised that there had to be sacrifices. You used to make sacrifices like that all the time.’
‘Bollocks! Every time I tried to come home with everybody. He made a cold, calculating decision to fuck me. He sent me to fucking hell! He’s lucky I don’t kill him. I might do depending on how I’m sleeping when this is over.’
‘Yeah, okay. I don’t have much of a defence for him except he saved our arses in Maw City.’
‘Gentlemen?’
Mudge and I yelled. It may have been more of a scream. The bottle went bouncing, spilling its contents. Both of us were on our feet, sidearms drawn. Salem was standing close to the cave mouth dressed for the cold, pack on his back and holding a walking stick. His arms were spread wide to show he meant no harm.
‘Christ, Salem, are you trying to get shot?’ I demanded.
He frowned at the blasphemy. I was angrier with myself than with him.
‘You shouldn’t be able to do that,’ Mudge said, frowning. He was right. Salem shouldn’t have been able to sneak up on us like that. ‘Drink?’
‘You know I won’t.’
‘Smoke?’ Mudge offered him the spliff he’d just lit.
‘More tempting, but no.’
Mudge nodded and pointed at him with the hand holding the spliff. ‘Oh yeah. You used to smoke this shit and then go out and murder people, didn’t you?’
Salem didn’t answer but he seemed amused.
‘You going?’ I asked.
Salem nodded. ‘Yes, they do not need me at the moment. I believe that they have gone as far as they can. I have just come to say goodbye.’
‘I’m sure we could find things for you to do,’ I told him. Only after I’d said it did I realise how patronising it sounded. Mudge was giving me a look that told me I was being a prat.
‘I will be of more use back in the city. I will teach those who want to fight how to hide from Demiurge, I think. I will also see if I can find a way to help you get information or yourselves off the planet. I have some ideas. I have made provision for contacting Pagan, Cat or Tailgunner if need be.’
‘Why you?’ Mudge asked.
‘Mudge!’ I hissed, but Salem didn’t take offence at Mudge’s abruptness.
‘Because Tailgunner knows me from the neighbourhood. He knew that I’d acted as an exorcist before and I think he understood that I realised Shaitan was real.’
‘You mean Demiurge?’ I asked.
‘Demiurge is an echo, nothing more.’
I stepped forward to shake his hand.
‘Thank you. Really, I don’t have the words. I owe you.’ It sounded inadequate for what this man had done for me.
‘It is the duty of all,’ he said. It could have sounded trite but I knew that he meant it.
‘Even for a sinner like me?’ I asked jokingly.
His face became serious. ‘I have known many men like you, Jakob. God will judge you, nobody else. Not even yourself. He knows what was you and what was not.’
I wondered how much of our conversation he’d heard. Mudge started laughing. I was getting pissed off with his rudeness. I really did owe Salem a lot, maybe everything.
‘Pack it in, Mudge!’ I told him.
‘What? Common sense packaged as religious bollocks?’ he said.
Salem was smiling as well. ‘Mr Mudgie does not offend me. God has a plan, even for him.’
This just started Mudge laughing harder. I had to smile. What the fuck had God been thinking of, making Mudge?
‘What I would say is that you do not have the right to judge Pagan—’ Salem started.
‘Bullshit!’ I immediately felt guilty. It reminded me of our conversation when I had been possessed.
Salem held up a hand as a calming gesture. ‘Please hear me out. If he had not sacrificed you then we would be none the wiser. We would have learned nothing. We may be at a standstill at the moment, but we have learned so much from your imprisonment. I know this sounds harsh, but in the big scheme of things he did the right thing.’
‘Maybe, but it was a fundamental betrayal of trust.’
‘Like you would have volunteered,’ Mudge said, grinning.
I glared at him. ‘I accept that it may have meant progress but you can’t expect the sacrifice to be happy about it.’
‘In some cultures it was an honour,’ Mudge said.
‘Fine. You do it next time,’ I told him angrily.
‘I apologise. I have angered you. It was not my intent. I think that Pagan agonised long and hard about it and feels more guilty than you can imagine.’
‘Good.’ I knew I sounded childish. ‘Look, I’m sorry. I just can’t walk away from this.’
‘I do understand,’ Salem said, nodding sadly.
‘Thank you,’ I said again.
Salem bowed and turned to leave.
‘Hold up,’ Mudge said.
Salem stopped and turned. He was smiling. I think he knew what was coming.
‘You have to tell us,’ Mudge said.
‘Mr Mudgie, I think if I answered that question, regardless of what the answer was, I’d become a lot less interesting than people seem to think I am. Besides, we don’t talk to lensheads.’
Salem turned and walked away to the sound of Mudge’s laughter echoing around the cave.
Mudge and I were trying not to stagger so hard it must have been obvious how drunk we were. There were disapproving looks from Cat and Morag as we tried to reach our cots without falling over. I was going to pay for this.
I glanced up the cave to the ledge where
Kopuwai
stood in its alcove. I saw that the
whanau
were deep in conversation with Soloso.
Morag was heading for me. I sensed trouble but I thought it was going to be good trouble. If I was going to get told off for being irresponsible then it meant she still cared. Besides, she had told me to go and talk to Mudge about his feelings. Did she not realise how drunk men have to be for that sort of thing? And it was Mudge I was talking to. What did she think was going to happen?
The guy in the top hat with the ancient-looking long rifle, standing on one of the ledges watching everyone was a bit odd though. Particularly as he hadn’t been there when I’d looked that way a moment ago.
‘Freeze!’ I shouted. He wasn’t moving anyway. ‘Put the rifle down!’ Contradictory instructions.
Moving in on him, laser pistol in a two-handed shooter’s grip, the smartlink putting the cross hairs right across his pale face, I suddenly felt very sober. Mudge was moments behind me, Sig in his hand. Morag had drawn her pistol and was running towards us. Others were beginning to take notice.
Whoever it was had ghosted straight through our pickets, sensors and sentries to appear among us. The weapon he carried looked ancient and was made mainly out of wood. There was some kind of coil wrapped around the barrel, which made me wonder if it was a home-made gauss rifle of some kind. He wore dark work clothes, with some kind of half-length duster/cloak-style garment over the top of them. His skin was extremely pale and he was a lot taller and more slender than most natives of Lalande 2. A flexible tube of a brass-coloured material protruded through the chest area of his clothes and extended to a facemask. The mask seemed to be made of a similar material to the tube, as were the protruding lenses of his cybernetic eyes. They looked home-made but finely crafted.
‘On the ground now!’
‘Drop the gun or we will fire!’
He just watched the commotion as if he was studying us.
‘Don’t shoot!’ Tailgunner came running down from the ledge towards us.