Warm and Witty Side of Attila the Hun (5 page)

 

(One of the most remarkable and interesting of all British prime ministers was Winston
Churchill, about whom anecdotes exist in droves. What follows are a mere handful.)

The British are renowned for their unflappability and the redoubtable "stiff upper lip," which foreigners sometimes misperceive as a lack of emotion. In a possibly apocryphal story which nonetheless has been found in numerous sources, it is related that Winston and
Clementine Churchill were attending a dinner when a cinder from his cigar fell onto the fringe of
his coat and began to smolder ominously. When Mrs. Churchill pointed out to him that his coat was on fire, Churchill said, "Thank you my dear. Let me know when it reaches my lapel."

 

Among Churchill's most vocal opponents in British politics was Lady Astor, a woman of American birth who was the first female to be elected to the House of Commons. Their mutual animus was as much personal as it was political. When, for example, Churchill briefly grew a moustache while a renegade member of the Liberal Party, and she informed him that she liked
neither his moustache nor his politics, he responded that, given the current political situation and her lack of attractiveness, she was likely to come into contact with
neither of them. And, more famously, she and Churchill were both in attendance at a social
gathering at which Churchill had rather too much to drink, which was not uncommon. Lady
Astor approached him, feigned disgust and said, "Mr. Churchill! You are very drunk!"

"Lady Astor," he replied, "you are very ugly. But I shall be sober tomorrow."

 

Churchill and Franklin Roosevelt became fast friends during World War Two, but an
incident early in their acquaintance might have proven to be a major impediment to their relationship were it not for Churchill's quick wit.

Churchill arrived in Washington for his first visit as prime minister in March of 1941, and
Roosevelt, who had corresponded with him but had never met him, was eager to talk. Churchill, however, was exhausted after his trans-Atlantic journey, which was considerably more arduous in 1941 that it is today, and wanted to take a bath and a nap before meeting with the president.
As a distinguished guest whose presence would not be announced until two days later, Churchill had
the unique honor of being a guest in the White House rather than staying in the British Embassy as diplomatic propriety would ordinarily dictate. He was thus at FDR's mercy.

After having the staff show Churchill to his room, Roosevelt waited what he regarded as a decent interval and then took the elevator to the third floor and after a
pro forma
knock,
wheeled himself in to find Churchill standing in the middle of the room, cigar in one hand, glass of scotch in the other, stark naked. FDR stammered a flummoxed apology, but Churchill diffused the tension by spreading his arms wide and saying, "His Majesty's prime minister has nothing to
hide from the president of the United States."

 

The British prime minister is a member of the House of Commons, a body that
corresponds roughly to the U.S. House of Representatives. (If the
U.S.
were a parliamentary
democracy, our prime minister would be the Speaker of the House, an idea which, considering
our recent speakers, is enough to send shudders down the spine of any intelligent person.)

In any event, as leader of our closest ally in the Second World War, Churchill was invited to address a joint session of Congress in the House chamber. He began his address by saying, "As many of you may know, while my father was British, my mother was American. Had the situations been reversed, I might have gotten into this room on my own."

 

Churchill was generally able to control his drinking in that he was never out of control even when inebriated. One significant exception to this general rule was the first personal meeting he had with Marshal Josef Stalin, Communist dictator of the
Soviet Union
. (This was before the two men met with their third ally, FDR, in 1943.)

Churchill and Stalin met with their staffs during the day, dined with each other and
smaller entourages in the evening; and then, both men being night owls, met privately with only
Stalin's translator present, drinking and smoking into the wee hours of the morning. When Churchill awakened the next afternoon, he realized with shock and chagrin that he had an only foggy memory of their pre-dawn conversation. Not knowing what he may or may not have committed himself to, he immediately wrote Stalin a three-page letter expressing concern and confessing his memory lapse, in an attempt to undo whatever damage he may have done.

An hour later he received a hand-written note from Stalin, which his own translator read to him in English. Churchill did not understand why his translator was trembling until he heard
Stalin's words:

My dear Prime Minister: There is no reason to concern yourself regarding our very pleasant evening. There was no harm done by either of us, on either side, in any way.
I was as drunk as you were, perhaps drunker. No notes were taken, no commitments made, no
agreements signed. And the translator has been shot. - Truly, J. V. Stalin

Some presidents have delightful senses of humor (Lincoln, JFK, FDR, and Reagan come immediately to mind), while others (e.g., Adams, Carter, Ford,
Hoover
, et al.) seem to have had none at all. Thomas Jefferson, all of his other magnificent qualities notwithstanding, falls into the latter category. It has been reported that during a hiatus at the Continental Congress in
Philadelphia
in 1776,
Jefferson
was discussing agriculture with Benjamin Franklin. One quality these two shared was that they were both interested in everything; one difference between them was that, unlike Jefferson,
Franklin
had a great sense of humor and could never resist a straight line. Jefferson commented that he had planted cabbages in his vegetable garden at
Monticello
(of course, he hadn't planted them himself; his slaves did it) and was annoyed that every night rabbits came out and nibbled away at the first row of cabbages.
Franklin
suggested he could solve the problem by not planting the first row.
Jefferson
didn't get the joke.

 

Neither Jefferson nor John Adams attended the Constitutional Convention because they were both engaged in diplomatic missions, Adams as ambassador to
Britain
and Jefferson as
ambassador to
France
. They had become close in Congress during the Revolution, and drew even
closer during their European sojourn. (So close, in fact, that the widower Jefferson asked John and Abigail Adams to care for his little daughter Patsy for a time. They readily complied.)

One famous story, told in numerous variations, refers to a visit Jefferson paid to Adams in London. (After the long voyage from America to Europe, crossing the Channel to go from
Paris to London must have seemed a like a canoe ride in the Potomac.) Both men were strolling through Covent Garden on an afternoon when King George III and his entourage were doing the same thing. The king saw them, gazed at them as they bowed deferentially, and then turned his
back on them and walked on. Etiquette would have obliged George to acknowledge their presence with at least a polite regal nod, so the turning of his back was a deliberate snub.

Adams was a volatile fellow, easily offended and sensitive to insults. He grew red in the face at the king's discourtesy and might have said or done something inappropriate had not Jefferson, a phlegmatic man at all times, placed his hand upon Adams' shoulder and said, "Mr. Adams, Mr. Adams, becalm yourself. We won the war, did we not?"

 

The religious beliefs of the Founding Fathers are a topic of great argument of late, and both sides in the argument are wrong. Those who claim that they were all devout Christians are wrong; those who claim they were all Enlightenment skeptics are wrong. Many of the Founders
were indeed traditional Christians, such the Congregationalist John Hancock, the Episcopalian Richard Henry Lee, and the Catholic Charles Carroll. Others, like John Adams and Samuel Adams and (possibly) Benjamin Franklin, were Unitarians, i.e., Christians who
rejected the idea of the Trinity and the divinity of Christ. Others, like Thomas Jefferson and (again possibly) Benjamin Franklin, were Deists, i.e., men who believed in God as a Creator (and also believed in heaven, hell, and the resurrection), but did not believe that God actively intervened in human affairs.

The religious beliefs of George Washington are unknown, because he was a reticent man and only spoke when necessary. We know that he prayed at Valley Forge, but we also know that there were no clergy present at his deathbed.

We also know that he went to church (Episcopalian/Church of England) every Sunday,
but did not take Communion. We do not know why and Washington never discussed it. But when the priest politely recommended that he not absent himself from the Lord's Supper, Washington resolved the problem by ceasing to attend services as which Communion was
served.

 

In an age when political figures routinely shake hands and slap backs, it is somewhat
startling to contemplate
Washington
's public appearances as president. Of course, he never campaigned for the presidency; indeed, he was probably the only American president who honestly didn't want the job. But he was a man of great personal dignity, and he attempted to
invest his office with that dignity.

At presidential receptions, Washington greeted his guests standing on a round podium
that stood two feet from the floor. He was six foot one in an age when the average man was five
foot eight, so the podium allowed him to tower even more dramatically over the room. He was
always dressed richly in elegant 18
^th
century fashion, with a ceremonial sword in a scabbard belted and
buckled around his waist. When a guest was presented to him—yes,
presented
to him—he
waited for the guest to bow, and he then responded with a slight nod.

 

Jefferson
's lack of humor does not detract from his other formidable qualities. In addition
to his political activities, he was an author, scholar, linguist, architect, inventor, geographer, botanist, horticulturalist, zoologist, meteorologist, educator, and philosopher. In a famous comment, John F. Kennedy, when hosting a White House dinner for all living American Nobel laureates, began his after-dinner remarks by saying, "I think this is the most remarkable collection of talent and knowledge that has ever been gathered at the White House—except on those occasions when Thomas Jefferson dined alone."

 

As for Jefferson's opinion of himself and his legacy, all we need refer to is the epitaph on
his tomb at
Monticello
, an epitaph he composed himself. Jefferson, it must be remembered, had b
een a member of the Virginia House of Burgesses and the Continental Congress, Governor of
Virginia, ambassador to France, our first secretary of state, our second vice-president, and president for two terms, during which time he doubled the size of the country. But his epitaph
reads as follows:

Here was buried
Thomas Jefferson

Author of the Declaration of Independence

Of the Statute of Virginia for Religious Freedom

And Father of the University of Virginia

 

The politics of the late 18
^th
and early 19
^th
centuries had made Jefferson and Adams adversaries and rivals, but they were finally reconciled in their old age. They carried on a lively and interesting correspondence towards the ends of their lives, ends which came within hours of
each other on the same day, and that day was the Fourth of July. In Virginia, by what seems to
have been a sheer act of will, the dying Jefferson held on until his last words, "Is it the fourth?"
received an affirmative response. On his own deathbed in
Massachusetts
,
Adams
' last words reportedly were, "Thomas Jefferson still survives." Then he died, not knowing that Jefferson
himself had died a few hours earlier. The date was July 4, 1826, the fiftieth anniversary of the
Declaration of Independence.

 

The practice of slinging dirt and ruining reputations in campaigns for public office is nothing new in American politics. In the campaign of 1828 the Democrats, led by Andrew Jackson, feared that incumbent president John Quincy Adams might carry the state of
Pennsylvania
and thus win reelection. Though
Jackson
seemed popular among many people in
the rural areas of the state, the Democrats were taking no chances. They knew that two major
groups whose votes might be swayed by rumor and innuendo were the Pennsylvania Dutch and
the Quakers, so they started a salacious rumor. When Adams was
U.S.
ambassador to the
Netherlands
, they claimed, he brought two mistresses, one French and one German, home to the embassy to live in open sin with him and his wife. The deeply devout Quakers, horrified by this
immorality, abandoned Adams and voted
en masse
for
Jackson
. And when the rumor went on to
say that Adams brought the French girl home with him to
America
but abandoned the German
girl, he lost the votes of the Pennsylvania Dutch.