Venus threw the glowing orbs at the bodies like she was a major league pitcher.
Kat gasped and choked. She sat up coughing and rubbing a hand across her forehead. Jacky moaned and pressed her hands to her chest in the exact place her wound had been.
“Oh, god, I feel like utter crap,” Kat said. “How much champagne did I drink, anyway?” She cleared her throat and blinked her eyes. “What's wrong with my voice and where the hellâ” Her words broke off as her vision cleared. She stared, wide-eyed, at three gorgeous women who where watching her like she was a new species of flower that had just bloomed.
“Kat, I think I'm having a heart attack.” Jacky moaned again. “Since when do hangovers feel like heart attacks?”
Kat pulled her vision from the three ridiculously attractive women and turned to look at the person who lay beside her and who was talking like Jacky, but didn't sound anything like her and . . .
“Holy fucking shit! Jacqueline? Is that you?”
The beautiful blonde blinked several times, trying to clear her vision, and continued to rub her chest. “Who else would it be, the goddamn Easter Bunny? Why do you sound wrong? God, am I going deaf, too?”
“Have no fear, Jacqueline and Katrina. You are safe and well and under our protection,” said the woman who was standing closest to them, and was probably the most stunning of the three.
Kat closed her eyes and took several deep breaths. “Drunken hysterical dream. I'll never drink that much champagne again. Promise. Time to wake up now and deal with my horrendous hangover.” She opened her eyes.
“You are not dreaming, mortal woman,” said the regal looking woman in flowing white robes trimmed in sky blue.
Then the statuesque woman with the unusual gray eyes stepped forward and spoke. “We have altered your fate. Instead of allowing you to perish in the modern world we have plucked your souls from your shattered bodies and brought you to the ancient world. You may thank us.”
The woman who had spoken first frowned severely at the gray-eyed woman. “Give it a rest, Athena. They don't need to thank us. It's not like they asked for this. And besides that, the whole abasing yourself before the gods thing doesn't work in the modern mortal world.”
“This isn't the modern mortal world,” snapped the gray-eyed woman.
“Really? I hadn't noticed. I thoughtâ”
“Okay, what the fuck?” Jacqueline said, sitting up.
“Jacky?” Kat ignored the bickering women and turned to face her friend.
“Kat? Is that you in there?”
“Yeah, it is.”
“But you're not you. I mean, you're
nothing like
you. And what the hell are you wearing?” Jacky reached out to touch a drape of the burgundy-colored robe and her eyes became riveted on her hand. “Katrina Marie Campbell, what is going on? Why. Is. This. My. Hand!”
“We can explain everything,” said the regal woman. She nodded to the most gorgeous one. “Go ahead, Venus; explain everything.”
“Well, it's really quite simple. You two got in a horrid accident after you left your girlfriend party. I'd been watching you through my oracle.” She paused and smiled. “I am Venus, Goddess of Sensual Love, Beauty and the Erotic Arts.” She pointed to the gray-eyed woman. “This is Athena, Goddess of War, blah, blah.” Then she gestured to the regal woman. “And this is Hera, Queen of Olympus. Anyway, as I was saying, I'd been watching you through my oracle and I witnessed your accident. I just couldn't let you die like that, so I snatched up your souls. Not long after that, Hera's temple was defiled and Polyxena, Princess of Troy, and her, uh, maidservant, Melia, were killed. So we did some quick thinking, quick healing, and quick re-ensouling. And here you areâyourselves, but in different bodies. See, I told you it was really quite simple.”
“IâIâIâ” Kat sputtered.
“I'm
white
!” Jacqueline sprang to her feet, staring down at her new body. “Oh, Jesus god-fucking-bless America! Jesus! Jesus! I feel faint. My heart! Kat! I'm dying!” She reached out blindly and Kat hurried to her side, gripping her hand.
“You're not dying. We're dreaming. That's all.”
“Why in the goddamn hell would I dream I'm white?” Jacky cried as she clutched Kat with one hand and fanned herself with the other. “My heart, lord, my heart. The pain!”
“Darlings, I told you that you're not dreaming,” Venus said.
“What is wrong with being white?” Athena asked.
“It's a drunken nightmare,” Kat said, trying to stay calm and use her best counselor's voice. “We'll wake up in a second and find out that we passed out in your living room, again. Remember last New Year's?”
Venus stepped up to Kat and Jacky. She sighed heavily. “I didn't want to do this, but you need to accept what has happened.” She waggled her slender fingers until the air began to glow with diamond dust and then she flicked the dust at them saying, “Remember . . .”
Kat breathed in the sparkling dust with Jacky, sneezed, and was suddenly taken back to the aftermath of Susie's party. As if watching a macabre play, she saw the two of them stumble, laugh, and hold onto each other as she and Jacky got into the cab. The cab drove down Reservoir Hill to the four-way stop. Horrified, Kat saw an SUV run the stop sign and smash into them. There was a soundless pause, then with an awful whooshing the cab burst into flames.
“Oh, god! We're dead!” Kat said.
“We're dead and I'm white!” Jacky said. “This just can't be right. I was sure I was going to heaven.”
“Well, me, too. I'm supposed to be going to heaven, too.”
“I dunno 'bout that, Kat. Remember your sorority girl days? The TU quarterback on the fifty-yard line? That kind of behavior adds up. That's all I'm sayin'.”
Kat's mouth dropped open. “Take that back! I cannot believe you think I'm going to hell because of a few college indiscreetnesses.”
“Indiscreetnesses? Is that even a word? And you're not just goin' to hellâyou sucked me down here with you.”
“Jacqueline, did it ever occur to you that
you
may have gotten
me
sucked down to hell? What about all those times you returned shoes? You said you never wore them but you really paid way more than you could afford and then wore them a few times and
then
returned them. Huh? How about that?”
“Oh, please. You know shoes are never a sin. And besides, I haven't done that in years.”
“Years?”
“Okay, months.”
Kat snorted and put her hands on her hips. “And what about
your cursing
?” she said decisively.
“I don't curse. I use expletives.”
“You use what? That is such a load ofâ”
“Ladies!” Venus stepped between them. “No one is in hell. You're dead, but you're not dead.” The goddess frowned and shook her head as if she needed to clear it. “No, it's not as confusing as that. Your bodies are dead. Your souls live on. They're eternal. They're the essence that is really
you
. All I did was to zap them into bodies that are now working.”
“
Now
working? Where are the eternal souls that
were
in these bodies?” Kat said.
Venus looked uncomfortable and in the silence Hera stepped in. “You, Katrina, are now dwelling in the body that did belong to Princess Polyxena of Troy. You, Jacqueline, are now dwelling in the body that did belong to Melia, her maidservant.”
“I'm a fucking maid! A white maid! Jesus lord, it just keeps getting worse and worse.” She looked blearily at Kat. “I really did get sucked into hell with you.”
“I am
not
in hell,” Kat said.
“Neither of you are in hell,” Venus said quickly.
“Where are the souls that were in these bodies?” Kat asked her again.
Hera answered before Venus could. “They are enjoying eternal happiness in the Elysian Fields of the ancient Greek Underworld.”
“Oh, lord, let me sit down. I'm in a dead white servant girl's body.” Jacky sat heavily on the steps of the altar, fanning herself again.
Kat was staring down at her body in horror. “But I don't see any wounds. What did she die of?”
“Oh, lord! An awful plague? Kat, we're plague-some.”
“No, no, no,” Venus hastily reassured them. “They didn't die of any illness. They were killed by Greek warriors.”
“Then where are the wounds?” Kat looked inside her robes, turning this way and that trying to see all of her body.
“We healed them before we re-ensouled the bodies with you,” Venus said.
“Now that's the first good news I've heard,” Jacky said, recovering enough to stop fanning herself. “So just heal our old bodies and send us back. We'll forget any of this ever happened.”
“I'm sorry. I can't do that. Your bodies were completely burned. I took your souls only because I'd already decided to ask you, Kat, to do a small favor for me.”
“Okay, let's see if I have this right,” Kat said. “You were somehow spying on meâ”
“And me,” Jacky inserted.
“And Jacky,” Kat continued, “because you wanted me to do something for you, but then we died and you grabbed us? This makes no sense whatsoever.”
“Of course it does darling,” Venus said. “Although I certainly don't think of my oracle as spying. Hera, Athena and I decided we needed the aid of a modern mortal woman. I was given the task of finding her. You seemed perfect. Then the tragic accident happened, but you still seemed perfect. At the same time Hera's temple was being sackedâtwo bodies became availableâa little zapping here, a little healing there, and here you are, decidedly
not
dead and still perfect for the little task I need you to perform. And darlings”â Venus included the scowling Jacky in her brilliant smileâ“I'm going to grant you each a boon for aiding me.”
“The only boon we're interested in is being put back into our old bodies,” Jacky said firmly. “And that doesn't mean nasty old burned-up dead bodies. We want to be put back into cleaned-up healed bodies.” She glanced down. “Like these, only ours.”
“Ditto,” Kat said.
“It is simply not possible,” Venus said. “Your bodies are beyond even our powers to heal. I'm sorry, butâ” Venus began but Hera interrupted her.
“You may not have your old bodies back, but between the three of us we can find comparable vessels in your old world,” Hera said.
“Can comparable mean younger and better looking?” Kat asked.
“
And
we want final approval,” Jacky added.
“As you wish. If you perform the little task we ask of you, and it is your wish, we will return you to the modern world in mortal bodies of your choice.”
Jacky and Kat exchanged glances, turned their backs on the goddesses and put their heads together. “Wonder how Queen Latifah's feelin'? Maybe she has some kinda terrible wasting disease the goddesses could hurry up,” Jacky whispered hopefully.
“I was just wondering the same thing about Catherine Zeta-Jones,” Kat said, keeping her voice low. “So we'll go for it?”
“Yep,” Jacky said.
They faced the goddesses again. “Okay, fine. All we need to do is this thing for you guys, and you'll put us back where we belong in the bodies of our choice. Right?” Kat said.
“Yes,” the three goddesses said.
“So what is this thing you need us to do?” Jacky asked.
“Simple. We want you to end the Trojan War,” Venus said.
“Jesus lord! You did take me with you to hell, Kat.”
CHAPTER FIVE
"Jacky, I think you may be right,” Kat said, plopping down next to her on the altar step. “You know, we were just talking about
The Iliad
at Susie's house. Clearly our tragic deaths have happened and we've been thrown into some kind of literary hell. The next thing you know we'll be sucked into a fucking Thomas Hardy book.”
“Thomas Hardy? My god! The pain!” Jacky fanned herself furiously.
“Shit, I'm sorry I got you into this. Shtuping the TU quarterback definitely wasn't worth it.”
“Well, I knew having a white best friend would cause me some shit eventually.” Jacky held her very slender, very white arm out despondently. “I just didn't know it would be this bad.”
“Again I would like to ask, what is so terrible about being white?” Athena said.
“Nothing, if you are white,” Jacky said. “But I'm not.” She sighed. “Or at least I wasn't before I went to hell.”
“By Zeus's beard they are exceedingly stubborn,” Athena said to Venus. “You didn't tell us about that.”
“I told you they're different than ancient mortals. This is just part of it.”
“Hello! Right hereâin hellâwith you,” Kat said. Then she turned to Jacky. “I wonder what they did to get sent to hell?”
“They're gorgeous. Women that gorgeous are always pissing someone off,” Jacky said.
“Oh, yeah, you're right. Forgot about that.”
“Are they saying that we've angered people? We're goddesses. We don't anger people; they anger us,” Athena said. She gave Venus a severe look. “Tell them.”
“Uh, we can hear you,” Jacky said.
“Jacqueline! Katrina! You are
not
in hell. Stop this nonsense at once. And ending the Trojan War won't be that difficult. We already have a plan of action figured out for you,” Venus said.
“Hey, aren't these the three goddesses who caused the whole Helen/Paris thing?” Jacky said. “You know, the wedding, the apple, the giving already-married Helen to Paris and whatnot.”