Watch Over Me (15 page)

‘Eilidh. Listen to me now. Would you like to go out with me? This weekend? Just you and me?’ Her face fell. Not what I was hoping.

‘I … I can’t, Jamie. I’m sorry. I can’t.’

‘You need to tell me why. You need to tell me that you don’t want to go out with me because … because you’re not interested in me, or because you’re still in love with your husband, or whatever reason, you need to tell me.’

‘Neither of them,’ she whispered and looked away. ‘Jamie, please. Please let me go now. I can’t be with you.’

‘Why?’

‘Because I can’t.’

‘That’s not a reason.’

‘Why are you … tormenting me like this?’ she shouted out. ‘I thought you cared about me. Why are you doing this? What do you want me to say?’

I felt myself inhaling sharply, in surprise and dismay.

‘Eilidh … I’m sorry … Please don’t cry …’

She hid her face in her hands.

‘I want to be left alone. I want to be
alone
!’

I took her by the shoulders and drew her to me. She didn’t protest, she felt soft and malleable as she moulded herself around me, onto my chest, putting her arms around my neck and holding me tight. We held each other, I cradled her and stroked her hair and whispered in her ear that I was sorry, wishing she could melt into me, so that I would never have to let her go.

It only seemed to last a second, because it wasn’t enough, it could never be enough.

Then we heard Silke’s voice as she was saying goodbye to some guests at the door and the spell was broken.

She ripped herself away from me, or so it felt – like a part of me was being cut off. I held her face in my hands as she looked up to me and I saw she wasn’t crying anymore. She looked peaceful. She looked …
resigned
, a voice inside me said.

‘Why, Eilidh?’

‘Because I’m no good,’ she said, and walked away into the night.

There are two lines.

Two
lines.

Two wee pink lines standing one beside the other.

I sit on the floor between the toilet and the sink, incredulous.

How on earth did this happen?

People have accidents, but really,
other
people have accidents, not me.

The pink lines dance before my eyes and I feel sick. Too early for morning sickness, this is just reaction.

Maybe it will all go away, as suddenly as it came over me. Things happen. It’s really early, something will happen and make it all go away.

Yes, it will go away.

I open the bathroom door and step out, like I don’t have a care in the world, like my world wasn’t turned upside down in an instant, like nothing has happened.

Because
nothing
has happened, really, it will all go away, like a dream dissolves the second before you open your eyes, and my life will be normal again.

I wrap the test into a sheet of kitchen towel and slip it in the bin when nobody’s watching, and there, it’s done and dusted. Now I just have to wait until my period comes and all will be fine again.

‘Eilidh! Hi darling! Hi Maisie!’

Great, I thought. Just who I wanted to see. Keira’s mum.

‘Hi Paula.’

‘Can I have a word?’

Why was it that everybody wanted to have a bloody word with me?

‘Sure.’

She gestured at Maisie with a look that said, ‘Not when she can hear.’

Just leave us alone, will you? I thought, but nodded. At the school gates, diplomacy is key. Meetings of mums can be like UN conventions.

‘Well, what I’d like to say is,’ she whispered conspiratorially, ‘we all take our girls to the dancing on a Saturday morning, there’s Molly and Rachel and Alina, and Maisie is sort of the only one who doesn’t take part. I mean, I can understand Jamie not wanting to do that, what with it being all mums and girls, but now that you’re on the scene …’

I raised an eyebrow. On the scene? Ruth caught my eye for a second, I could see she wanted to laugh, but she kept her face straight.

‘I’d love to take her to the dancing, Paula, but you must understand, I only work for them. The weekends are family time. Jamie wants to spend time with Maisie, sort of on their own, if you know what I mean.’

‘Then
I
could take her. I could collect her and drop her off again. Just so that she could take part, that poor wee thing …’

I could feel my cheeks flushing. Thing is, I tend to be quite sweet and gentle most of the time, but I do have a temper on me, the McCrimmon temper, though my mum says it skipped a generation and went down from Flora directly to me. She’s lying, of course. She’s the worst of us lot.

‘I can’t see why you’d say Maisie’s a poor thing, Paula. She has a dad who adores her and a lovely wee life. Prancing about in a pink tutu is not everybody’s idea of fun, you know,’ I said icily and walked away.

I didn’t care about school gates diplomacy anymore. I was
furious
.

‘Come on, Maisie! Let’s go.’

Ruth caught up with me.

‘Goodness me, I’m glad I’ve got two boys,’ she said in a low voice.

I couldn’t answer her. I couldn’t speak yet. I was still crimson, I could feel it, and breathless with annoyance.

‘You see, Paula can be a bit … well, a bit overpowering …’

‘You are always so PC, Ruth! She’s not overpowering, she’s a bitch!’ I whispered, minding the children were out of earshot. ‘Maisie is perfectly happy. Jamie’s a great dad and they’ve got better things to do than stupid ballet.’

‘I take your point, I’m sure they have lots of fun at weekends, but … well, it’s true that all the girls bar Maisie and another one go to that dancing class. And while I know that Maisie’s a happy girl, well, I’ve seen her face when they showed us the pics from last year’s show. All the pretty costumes, it’s a wee girl’s dream. Maybe you could bring it up with Jamie.’

I sighed. ‘I will. I bet he can’t wait to hang out with Paula and her gang – or coven, I should say!’

Ruth laughed. ‘You’re always so … candid.’

‘And you’re always so kind,’ I said, truthfully. ‘I’ve never heard you saying a bad word about anyone.’

‘I suppose I don’t have it in me. Does Peggy expect you at the shop?’

‘Not today, no.’

‘Then come up to the house for a cup of tea.’

‘I’d love to,’ I smiled, looking at Maisie and Ben walking companionably side by side, chatting about the nativity play.

‘I hope I’m Mary so I can wear the dress.’

‘I hope I am a tree like in nursery so my mum paints my face and my hands and then I can touch things and make them green. Like my mum’s coat.’

Ruth and I looked at each other and smiled.

She’d become such a good friend to me, though I hadn’t known her long. Which was good because relations with Helena had grown positively frosty, to my frustration. Only recently, I met her walking down the road, leisurely enough, it seemed to me, but when she met me, she was suddenly in a hurry.

‘Sorry, Eilidh, I really must dash. My mum has been a bit poorly, you know, all these flu things going round …’

‘Oh, I’m sorry to hear that, I’ll drop by to say hello,’ I said, without thinking.

‘No, no, it’s ok, really, she gets tired easily.’

‘Of course, sorry, I should have thought. I’ll just bring her some chocolates or something, then, I won’t stay.’

‘No, honestly. It’s ok, I don’t think …’ She looked away.

A few seconds of silence, then I thought, what the hell, I’ve got the right to say my piece.

‘Helena, I saw Gail on the train from Aberdeen last week. She ignored me. I think I know what’s going on and you’re wrong. There’s nothing between me and Jamie, nothing,’ I said vehemently.

‘Oh, Eilidh, come on. Do you think it’s a coincidence that he broke up with Gail when you came back? I mean, I thought it was Silke.’ Oh, how wrong you are, I thought to myself. ‘But then I saw the way he looks at you …’

‘He can look at me however he wants. I’m not seeing him. Or anyone else. Helena … I’ve known you for many years. Don’t let this come between us.’

‘I’m sorry … I know it’s not your fault … but Gail is distraught. She’s devastated. She thought he was … you know … the one.’

‘I’m so sorry. Gail is a lovely girl. I mean her no harm, or you, or your family. I’ll stay out of the way,’ I said, exasperated – as if it was my fault that Jamie was not interested in Gail!

‘I’ll call you,’ she said and practically ran away.

Great. Just great.

Since then, Ruth, Silke and my e-mail correspondence with Harry and Doug have been my main social interactions. Shona hasn’t been in touch either. I did wonder if Jamie spoke to her about what happened that night, but it wasn’t like her to cut me out for that.

I haven’t told anyone about what happened at the opening of the gallery. Not even Harry and Doug. I know what they would say, that I’m an idiot. I can’t tell them the truth. I don’t want anyone to know why I will not get involved with him. I could never say that it’s because I won’t put anyone through what Tom went through with me.

‘So … have you decided?’ Ruth began, interrupting my thoughts by handing me a cup of steaming coffee. Maisie and Ben were playing in Ben’s room and Jack was building with Lego at our feet.

‘So, I’m staying,’ I answered, knowing instantly what she was talking about. I had confided in her about how I wasn’t sure what was going to happen after Christmas, how I was dreading going back.

‘That’s great news!’ she said, genuinely happy. My heart warmed to see her so relieved that I was going to stay. ‘Have you spoken to Peggy?’

‘I have. I’ve told her I can move out and look for a job, probably in Kinnear, but she said she truly needs a hand in the shop and she loves having me at the house. I know it can’t last forever … I need to make sure I work full time and when Mary is back on her feet, she’ll look after Maisie. But for now, both Peggy and Maisie need me, so …’

‘And what about your family? And Tom?’

‘My family are ok with it. Well, my mum and dad are. I suppose they’re just relieved that I’m back on my feet. My sister is quite annoyed. She loved having me around for babysitting duties, errands and the likes, and just to gloat, really.’ I smiled bitterly.

‘She sounds like a nightmare.’ I had told Ruth about my difficult relationship with Katrina.

‘She’s all right, really, just a bit tactless. At the end of the day, it’s not her fault if she’s so bloody fertile while I … I …’

Ruth put her hand on mine. ‘Don’t torture yourself. We all have a cross to bear, we all muddle through.’

I nodded. Ruth was going through a rough time herself, her marriage was on the rocks.

‘And Tom?’

‘My mum and dad told him. He phones them every week. I’ll phone him after Christmas. I want things sorted as soon as possible.’

‘It must have been awful for you … I mean to find out …’

‘No, it wasn’t awful, that’s the thing. It upset me, of course, but there was so much else going on. I didn’t want him to leave, that’s all, because we had our IVF booked and all that … but I wasn’t heartbroken. I wasn’t surprised, either, really … Anyway,’ I took a big breath, ‘enough about me. How’s things with you?’

‘Well, stressed out at work, and Billy’s saying he’s fed up and wants to up sticks and move to Aberdeen … on his own.’

‘Oh, Ruth!’ I was shocked. I didn’t think things were as bad as that.

She nodded, her eyes filling up. ‘We’ll see how it goes,’ she said, chokingly.‘That’s men for you, I suppose.’ We both looked at Jack, happily banging his Lego together, looking impossibly cute in his denim dungarees. ‘Apart from present company, of course!’ she added and we both laughed, Jack joining in with his delightful chuckling, waving a piece of Lego over his head.

That night, I texted Shona.

    
U ok? Haven’t spoken in ages.

    
Yeah, ok. Lots going on. U?

    
Ok
Can we talk? It’s about Maisie.