Watch Over Me (9 page)

I noticed that Gail wasn’t smiling much. I thought that maybe she still wasn’t feeling well.

‘Are you sitting with us?’

‘Thanks, that would be great, but I can’t, Peggy and Margaret will be here any minute.’

‘Come here beside me till they arrive then,’ said Shona, patting the seat beside her. They sat and started chatting while I brought the drinks over two by two.

‘I’ll phone you during the week,’ said Shona. ‘We’ll arrange something. Maybe you can come up to Aberdeen, I’ll take you out for lunch.’

‘Oh, Shona, I’m not great company these days,’ she whispered, a shadow darkening her face. The haunted look again. My heart went out to her.

‘Oh well, I’m never good company at all, ask Fraser!’ They laughed. ‘Seriously. It’d be lovely.’

‘Ok. Ok, thank you.’

She hugged Shona, said goodbye to us and disappeared into the next room to find a seat and wait for Peggy and Margaret. I watched her walking away, following her lithe figure with my eyes, unable to look away.

When I looked around again, I saw that Gail was looking at me, Shona was looking at us both and Fraser was looking into his pint, typical bloke. The girls were debating who’s the prettiest fairy in
Tinkerbell: the Secret of Pixie Hollow
, a film that I’ve seen so many times I could recite it back to you. I sat down, my cheeks bright red, and took a long, comforting sip from my pint.

After lunch, we all went back to my family house, where my mum and dad used to live and where Shona stays when she comes down. I had been there that morning, to light the fire and switch the heating on. We spent the afternoon chatting while the girls played, until it was time for Shona and her family to drive back to Aberdeen.

‘Take care. Let me know how it goes,’ she whispered in my ear as she hugged me. I watched her drive away, the girls waving from the back seat.

‘Can you come up to the house? I need to talk to you,’ I said to Gail while locking the door.

Her eyes lit up. Oh God.

We spent a painful hour chatting and drinking tea. I couldn’t speak to her when Maisie was around, of course.

Finally, five o’clock came crawling and it was time for dinner, bath and bed. Gail insisted on helping while I bathed Maisie and sat on her bed while I read her a bedtime story. When Maisie was finally tucked in, we went back downstairs.

‘Why don’t I cook something nice?’

‘Gail, we need to talk.’

Her face fell. She could see from my expression that something was wrong.

‘What? What’s wrong?’

‘I’m sorry, I really really am, but this is just not … right. I can’t have a relationship right now. I just can’t …’

Her eyes welled up and she started crying. Oh no, oh no, oh no.

‘Gail, I’m so sorry, I don’t want to hurt you—’

‘As if I didn’t know! As if I didn’t notice!’ she said angrily, jumping up from the sofa.

‘What?’

‘Helena told me to watch out for her. I knew it!’

Eilidh. Shit. I didn’t want her involved.

‘What are you talking about?’

‘You know very well! She sat across from us in the pub! On purpose! And you kept looking at her … She keeps going to the workshop to see you, Helena saw her walking up the hill!’

What?

‘Gail, who are you talking about?’

‘As if you didn’t know! That German girl, that flaky one with the pottery business. Silke. I saw the way you were looking at each other!’

Oh God almighty.

‘Gail, Silke comes up to the workshop because we have business together. I don’t fancy her. I don’t fancy anyone and I don’t want anyone, for me or for Maisie. Please, Gail, try to understand—’

‘Rubbish. Maisie and I get on like a house on fire. There must be someone else.’

‘There is no one else. But you are right, it’s not just because of Maisie. It’s true that I don’t want a relationship. But it’s also true that I’m not in love with you.’

More howling and sobbing. My stomach was in a knot. I felt so bad, I just wanted her to stop crying.

‘Come here … there, there …’

‘Don’t touch me!’

‘Gail, please, calm down. It’s ok … it’s ok …’ I stroked her hair.

She relaxed in my arms and I held her, like a little girl. For a second, a split second, I felt it would have been so much easier to keep holding her and to kiss her, and maybe that awful freezing cold I had felt in my bones for years would go away.

But I had to do it.

‘Gail, you need to go home. I’m sorry. You’ll be fine, believe me.’

She looked at me, a long, sad look. She wasn’t angry anymore.

‘It might not be the proud thing to say but I’m in love with you,’ she said and the young girl suddenly looked like a woman, a woman who knows her mind.

‘I’m sorry.’

Without another word, she left. I sat in my armchair by the fire, a glass of whisky in my hand – then another one, and another one, something that’s happening more and more often. I thought of a poem I read once that called whisky ‘the smiler with a knife’.

I can’t stop drinking alone at night, I don’t know where else to turn.

I can’t stop drinking.

I sat until late and looked at the flames.

I listen carefully to what Jamie says when he doesn’t speak. I hear his words unsaid, I hear his heart calling, calling.

I know that if things don’t change, if he doesn’t take a turn in this path he chose, or maybe he was thrown on, something horrible will happen to him.

I watch him from the flames, I watch him from the darkness outside his window, as the glass gets refilled, over and over and over again.

Maisie is asleep upstairs, peaceful and serene. I touch her unwritten forehead, I sit on her bed, I watch over her while Jamie sits downstairs and drinks until the bottle is empty.

They couldn’t see me today, sitting among them at the pub. The way he looked at Eilidh, the way his face lit up when he saw her. I feel so sorry for Gail, that poor girl, she has a bad crush on him or maybe it’s love, I don’t know. I could see her glaring at Silke, how wrong she was!

There are so many secrets in a village like Glen Avich and, being a ghost, I can unravel a lot of them. Silke has been seeing Fiona, Jamie’s cousin from Innerleithen, but she’s not telling anyone. Silke doesn’t care what people think but Fiona is terrified about revealing that she’s in love with another woman.

Strange how people seem to want to decide what’s wrong and what’s right for everybody else. Why would love be a sin, when it doesn’t hurt anyone? I don’t know. Now that I’m dead, I look back and realise how brief life is … It makes no sense to live a lie because when we die, and it always happens sooner than we think, our one and only chance to love is gone.

Silke is definitively not the one Gail needs to worry about. Well, she doesn’t need to worry at all now because Jamie did the right thing. I’m relieved because it would have been so sad for her to spend the rest of her life with someone who is not in love with her, though she can’t see that now. And I would have hated to see Jamie keep living in quiet despair, like he’s been doing for the past few years. They both deserve better.

The more I look at them, the more I listen to their hearts, the more I think that Eilidh and Jamie could save each other. But I know they need help to find each other. They’re both too hurt, too withdrawn to take the chance and jump into the unknown.

There are many, many ways I can help them.

When I saw Eilidh looking to the play park, I became a wisp of wind and whispered into Maisie’s ear.

‘Rainbow,’ I said and she thought of one her favourite games, pretending to ride her imaginary pony. I knew that Eilidh would remember how much she loved horse riding and think of the Ramsays and how she used to go up to the estate, and maybe with a bit of luck, she’d think that Maisie would love that.

It worked.

So that is settled now, Eilidh and Maisie are going horse riding.

There’s something else I intend to do. But it’s quite naughty and my conscience is biting. It involves someone suffering a bit, not much, just a tiny bit of physical pain and then she’ll be as right as rain, but still … I really don’t want to do this but I have to. It’s just an ankle. Oh goodness, I can’t believe what I’m about to do. Here I am, I sorted the first Mary, now I need to sort the second one.

Here we go …

We were just in the door and I was helping Maisie take off her jacket and scarf, when the phone rang and Jamie went to answer it.

‘Mary? Hello. Oh. Oh, poor you. Oh no. I see. Three months? Seriously? No, don’t worry. We’ll be fine. What about you? Do you need anything? Fiona is coming to stay, that’s good. Is she there already, do you need help tonight? That’s ok then. I’ll take Maisie up to see you as soon as you are better. Call if you need anything. Bye.’

Jamie sighed as he put the phone down and rubbed his eyes wearily.

‘Sh … Sugar!’ he muttered to himself, remembering that Maisie was around.

I stood in the hall awkwardly, not sure whether I had been invited to take my coat off and stop for a bit.

‘Eilidh, come in, come and sit down. Sorry, just some stuff I need to deal with,’ he added, gesturing to the phone. He turned to Maisie and smiled. ‘Sweetheart, you’re covered in mud, come and wash yourself off.’ He took Maisie by the hand and led her into the bathroom.

‘Did you enjoy it?’ I heard Jamie asking her.

‘Lots! I rided a pony! I was high up and going really fast. I got big boots and a helmet and Eilidh said I looked great. Can I go back tomorrow?’

I smiled to myself.

‘You need to ask Eilidh, maybe she’ll take you again.’

‘Eilidh!’ Maisie ran through. ‘Can you take me again?’

‘I didn’t mean ask now!’ Jamie intervened.

‘I’d love to,’ I said and meant it. It had been a magical afternoon. I hadn’t ridden for so long, it was amazing to be on a horse again, and even more amazing to see wee Maisie loving it. She had been a real star, a natural, the breeze catching her golden hair as she was softly led on Sheherazade, a sweet mare they used for children and novices.

‘You don’t have to, I can take her,’ said Jamie.

I was taken aback. ‘Sure. If you prefer.’

‘I don’t want to put you under any pressure, you must be busy,’ he said and looked away.

Which meant: ‘Don’t come too close to us.’ I was stung.

‘Would you like a cup of tea? I was just about to make dinner for Maisie.’

‘It’s ok, I’ll let you have your dinner.’

‘No, not at all, there’s no rush – I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it like that.’ He looked genuinely embarrassed but I wasn’t offended. I wasn’t about to invite myself for dinner.

‘Ok then, a quick one, then I’ll be off.’

‘Maisie, roni cheese for dinner?’

‘Yes! Roni cheese! Do you like roni cheese, Eilidh?’

‘I love roni cheese.’ I laughed and looked at Jamie.

‘It’s quicker than the saying “macaroni”,’ he explained.

Jamie busied himself in the kitchen while I sat on the sofa. Maisie wanted to show me her My Little Pony collection.

‘Look, you need to brush their hair to keep it soft. Like yours,’ she said and ran her wee fingers through my hair.

All afternoon she had held my hand, sat very, very close to me and given me a few cuddles. Every time I had felt a tenderness, a joy that I hadn’t experienced in a long, long time. It’s one of many aspects of motherhood I long for …
used
to long for: the physical closeness and the contentment that stems from it. But all that is behind me.

‘Then you can put them to bed,’ Maisie went on. ‘No wait, first you have to brush their teeth. There, you have the pink one. Brush her teeth.’

I took it obediently and pretended to brush.

‘Now we are all ready. Night night!’ she said, laying the ponies side by side on the sofa.

‘Here’s your tea,’ said Jamie, handing me a steaming cup. He sat on the armchair across from us. I could see there was something on his mind and I thought of the phone call I had heard. I was in two minds whether or not to ask him about it. Then I noticed an angry red mark on his hand.

‘Jamie! What happened to your hand?’

‘Oh that, nothing. Just a wee burn – occupational hazard in my line of work. Nothing compared to Mary, anyway. The poor woman broke her ankle. She won’t be able to look after Maisie until at least Christmas.’

‘Poor thing! Is she in hospital?’ I asked.

‘She was but she’s back home now. Fiona is down from Innerleithen to look after her.’

‘I can put on my nurse outfit and go and bandage her leg,’ Maisie said. I stifled a smile.