Authors: Pamela Sargent
—If I live—She could not imagine Harel dying.
—But you will, I won't let you die. You must join me before going to the Merged One—Harel's mind rippled; he had shocked himself with that daring thought. She sighed and let her mind drift.
Jowē stopped, signalling for them to sit. Daiya looked back and was startled at how far they had come. She could no longer see the village. The sky was purple, almost black. Disoriented, she sat down quickly in the grass, which had been nibbled to stubbiness by the village's flock of sheep. She searched her mind; her consciousness had lapsed during the trip. Something gripped her. She reached for Harel's hand, unable to touch him with her mind. Jowē's mind was holding her, holding the others. Daiya's will was gone.
A hand thrust a bottle at her.—Drink—the old woman said, her words resonating in Daiya's bones. She drank, tasting the sweetness and stickiness of the liquid. She blinked, unable to see Jowē in the darkness. Her body was being pushed against the earth. She lay down and closed her eyes. Her limbs seemed to float away from her. Her heart thumped, far away. Her head felt severed from her body, self-contained, alone.
Jowē's voice rolled through her, chanting, but she could not hear the words. Then she saw what the old woman was seeing. The words beat against her ears. Another world rose up in front of her, shiny and metallic, with glittering spires and sprawling towns.
She gazed at the scene, overcome by grief. She saw human faces and sensed their minds, as cold as the icy waters near the river's bottom, as hard as stones, empty, isolated, separate, trapped inside each head. Men and women were divided; a wall was between them and they could not read each other's hearts. The young and the old were haunted by suspicion, drawing away from one another as they roamed the wide streets.
The image shattered. The mountains imprisoning the desert were surrounded by light, touched by the Merged One. They glowed, covered by a bright web. Woven by an invisible hand, the web covered the sky, its strands touching the faces turned up to it. The spires shook, crumbling to the ground; smoke billowed in the streets. People raged through the ruins like beasts, screaming, hurling their minds at one another. Their dark secrets roiled up and seized them, given substance by their new powers. Children screamed, torn apart by their parents. Men and women ripped at one another, rending their bodies.
Daiya screamed. The sound pierced her eardrums, echoed by others. She could not watch this. She tried to thrust it from her mind and could not. People streamed from the ruined town, some rising and disappearing in the sky, others tearing at the helpless ones who could not fight back. And she heard Jowē's words:—That is when we were beasts, so primitive, so separate that when God touched us, we tried to reject the gift—
A small group of people were huddled together in the ruins, melding their minds, shielding themselves as those around them murdered and maimed one another. At last they rose, surrounded by dead bodies and the wails of a few surviving separate selves. They touched the separate ones, bringing them a quick death. They turned to the rubble and lifted the earth, burying the ruins. The vision faded.
Daiya lay on the ground, drained, unable even to open her eyes. She felt a hand on her chin. Another liquid was being poured into her mouth, a tart, cold beverage. Rivulets rolled over her cheeks and ran into her hair. She swallowed. Her temples hammered at the sides of her head.
Jowē's mind hummed, one mind and many minds, all united.—You will cross the mountains, you will go into the desert. You will cross it until you come near the bones of the departed. There you will stand, backs against backs, a circle facing outward, and you will walk from one another for a day's journey and then another half a day, and you will sit and you will wait, facing back the way you came. And then you will return along the same route and meet again—
When? Daiya found herself wondering.
—You will know when it is time to rejoin the others. You will meet again, and you will know your fate—
The Net was strong, binding them together. She felt a warm hand grip her, seizing her mind, and then she was pushed into blackness.
Daiya awoke. She stretched, feeling the stubby grass against the backs of her hands. She sat up and looked around. The others were waking up also. Mausi was hugging her knees; Tasso lumbered to his feet.
She looked down at her side and saw a cloth sack. She opened it and peered inside; she saw a wine sack, two large water sacks, and some dried meat and fruit. The other young people each had a sack as well.
Daiya shrugged, surprised; she had thought they would be sent out with nothing. She wondered what the training had been for, all the days and nights of starvation and toughening herself. She looked inside the sack again, then drew it shut. She could see now that there was not that much in it after all; if she stretched it, the supplies might last a week at most.
She got up, her head clear, surprised at how energetic she felt. It must be the food she had eaten at the feast, or maybe the potions the Merging Selves had given them. She lifted the sack to her back, putting her arms through the loops on either side. Two pieces of rope, attached to the loops, hung down over her chest; she tied them together under her breasts.
—You're not afraid—Harel said to her. She searched her mind, startled to find that she was not. The fear had lifted.
The sky was growing light; the sun was still behind the mountains. Peloren put on her sack, hiding her mental tumult behind her wall. Tendrils crept under her barrier, brushing Daiya. Peloren laughed more, cried more, got angry more quickly than anyone else she knew. Her poised, calm exterior did not seem part of her. Peloren, usually so open, always livening things up in the village with her feelings, unable to keep any passing emotion to herself—she did not have that many thoughts—had at least shielded herself from them now. Daiya sighed, relieved, hoping Peloren would be calm by the time they reached the desert.
Peloren glared at her, having sensed the wish.
—Don't you worry about that—she thought, cutting Daiya with a mental blade.—You're a great one to worry about me, you and that dark secret spot inside, you'd better just hope you get through without damaging us as well as yourself—She shook her head, blonde streaks catching the light, and began to stalk after Sude, who was already starting for the hills. Sude leaped and hopped, his straight black hair bouncing against his shoulders.
Harel gazed at her reassuringly. They adjusted the sacks on their backs and walked toward the mountains.
7
The mountain rose before them, rocky and barren, its cliff-like surfaces almost perpendicular to the ground, as if a giant hand had sheared off the side. Daiya, standing on the top of a foothill with the others, looked to the northwest, then to the southeast, tracing the mountain range with her eyes. Nothing grew on the mountains, making them seem oddly artificial, unnatural. She had never been this close to the mountains before, having always stayed among the foothills; neither had the others. Too bad, she mused, if someone had, we might have known about a path we could take. She began to wonder why none of them had taken the trouble to explore the mountain range before now.
—Isn't it obvious?—Peloren responded, calmer but still ready to lash out.
—Is it obvious?—Daiya asked.
Peloren wrinkled her nose.—Oh, Daiya, sometimes it's as if you spent your life behind a wall—The thought felt friendly enough, but there was an edge to it; Daiya could almost sense the anxious pounding of the girl's heart.—No one ever comes too close to the mountains, not before the ordeal, and no one who survives returns afterward, that's why—
Oren shrugged his bony shoulders.—If you think about it, that doesn't seem much of a reason—he thought, echoing Daiya.
—It certainly is—Peloren answered.—It's the best reason you can have, why should we be any different from anyone else? It isn't good to be too different, it leads to evil things—She glanced pointedly at Daiya.
Daiya stared back. She did not want to argue, and knew Peloren did not either. They had more important worries; they had to maintain some unity. A thought escaped Peloren's mind and brushed against Daiya; she saw hopelessness lurking behind the other girl's petulance. She touched Peloren's thoughts and the words tumbled into her, arranging themselves:
—Once
I felt so unhappy, trapped behind my wall.
I couldn't stop the pain,
I couldn't speak at all.
I never want to feel that way again
so divided from the world and
separate even from
myself—
Peloren shook her head and the words became a torrent:—I shook and thought I would tear myself apart with grief and then the grief left me and I was numb with no feeling at all dead and paralyzed I couldn't move and I wondered why it doesn't happen to others not like it does to me and then my grandmother came to me and I shared my thoughts with her and it passed and I told myself it wouldn't happen any more but it does and I can't stop it—
Daiya nodded silently as Peloren bowed her head. There was nothing she could say. No one else was paying attention; walls up, they were still staring at the mountainside. She turned toward them.—We can't climb it—she said,—so we'll have to fly over it, that's all—
Peloren looked up.—Why can't we just travel farther up or down—she objected.—Some of us can go one way, the others can go the other way, we can call to each other if we find a path. I don't know if we have the strength to float over the mountain—
—We can float up, then rest on that ledge—Daiya replied, pointing to a rocky recess.—Then we can go up a bit farther and rest in another spot. There might be a way down the other side, and if there isn't, we can still rest at the summit before going on. We can lock our minds together, that'll give us more strength, too—
—I think my suggestion is safer—Peloren thought, her mind pressing assertively against Daiya's. Daiya looked at the others. Harel was smiling supportively at her; Mausi and Oren seemed ambivalent; Tasso was concentrating on a piece of dried fruit he was chewing; and Sude was getting impatient, willing to follow anybody.
—Think—Daiya went on, appealing to the others as well as to Peloren.—It's noon now. If we go looking for a way over, we'll lose time. If we find a way, we may have to wait until tomorrow to cross if it's getting dark. We'll lose time and we'll lose strength. We only have so much food and water, and the sooner we face our fates, the stronger we'll be. We could be in the desert a long time, we don't know—
—We'll be weaker if we draw on our strength to float over—Peloren insisted.
—We'll have time to recover from that tonight—Daiya responded, pushing against Peloren, feeling the other mind shift and retreat a bit.—But if we have to go searching now, and climbing tomorrow, that will weaken us and we'll have lost a day, a day of water, a day of food, and there's no guarantee we'll find a path, which means we'd have to float over anyway—
Peloren wrinkled her brows. Daiya could hear her mind rumbling,—Float if you want, the rest of us can look for another way—
—Who's thinking of separateness now—Daiya answered, jabbing the thought deep inside Peloren.
The other girl grew pale.—All right, we'll float—
They linked minds, weaving them as tightly as they could. They rose, hands out, drifting up toward the rocky face. Daiya focused on the ledge far above them, hoping it was wide enough to hold them all. Beads of sweat dotted Mausi's forehead; Daiya lent her friend some of her strength.
They reached the ledge and settled on it, pressing their backs against the surface behind them, squeezed against one another.
—I'm already tired—Sude thought.
—That's what you get for fooling around with mindtricks all the way here—Peloren's mind murmured belligerently.
—Rest—Harel thought.—We mustn't use up our energy with bickering. Don't even think unless you have to—
Daiya breathed deeply, hoping there was at least one more ledge where they could rest before reaching the summit. The rock against her back felt strange, unlike other stone, almost as if there was power in it. The Merged One had touched these mountains; perhaps they retained some of God's strength. The others felt it too. Their minds gripped one another; already they felt stronger.
Daiya lifted herself from the ledge, drifted up, then looked down. The ground was too far away; she felt disoriented. She looked up quickly. She searched the cliffside for another ledge, pulling the others with her, feeling their power buoy her. She saw only sheer surface. She floated up farther, ahead of the others, searching desperately. The apprehension of the other young people was pulling at her now, draining her energy. She wondered if they should drop back to the ledge. She continued to rise, moving diagonally to the north. The surface was more jagged there. She saw crannies in the mountainside. She landed on one and drew the others after her.
They landed around her in nearby nooks. Sude was lagging, tired again. Daiya dragged him along and settled him next to her. She squatted carefully, loosening some stones which raced away from the ledge, tumbling down the side.
—Now what—Peloren murmured from a ledge to Daiya's right. They were still far from the summit, but the mountain was narrower here; instead of going to the top and over, it might be easier to go around.
Daiya took a breath and leaned against the rock, feeling energy fill her again, sensing a presence. She looked at the others; they felt it too.—Wait—Daiya said.—I'm going to try to get to the other side, I'll call to you—She caught a dissenting murmur from Peloren:—Still setting yourself apart, aren't you, Daiya—
She lifted herself, floating up, then to the east, toward the side of the mountain facing the desert. The perpendicular cliffs were left behind; she saw rocky slopes and bumpy ground. She would be able to land after all. She settled on the ground and gazed down.
The desert was below her, dry and desolate; the air rippled in the distance. The barren land stretched to the horizon. She looked at it and felt fear; life would burn up out there, nothing could grow, nothing could live. She squinted; that wasn't quite right. Prickly green plants clung to the sandy ground; she thought she saw a tiny rodent burrow into the earth. But there were only a few of the prickly plants; she could probably count them all.
She trembled. The mountain almost seemed to sigh. Her neck prickled. There was a presence nearby. She reached out to it, feeling it hum, waiting for it to speak. It's a sign, she thought as her mind formed a prayer, it's a sign from the Merged One, a sign from God. Jowē had shown them a vision, God touching these mountains. Daiya covered her face with her hands, sorry for her doubts, waiting for the presence to speak. But there was only silence.
Of course God would not speak yet, not until death was near. She needed faith, not proof. She shook her head and called out to the others. At last they drifted overhead, settling near her, their minds still as the presence hummed. Even Sude was subdued. We're ready now, Daiya thought, we're ready, we're united, we'll live.
She stood up and launched herself, shooting out from the mountainside until there was only sandy desert below. She fell, diving through the suddenly thick air which was a soft cushion around her; she was floating, not falling, or so it seemed. She swam through the air as if it were the river water. The ground below spun, then rushed to meet her. She slowed herself and landed.
She put a hand over her eyes and looked up. The tiny figures were high above her, growing larger. Harel soared, arms out, legs extended. Sude tumbled, whirling in spirals, turning somersaults. Tasso, big and solid, plummeted like a stone, caught himself, then landed with a grunt. Oren and Mausi were daggers, feet pointed at the earth. Peloren spun, her hair whipping around her head; she circled, then alighted daintily.
They pulled their hoods over their heads. Silently, they began to walk into the desert.
The air was growing cooler. The mountains, now far behind them, hid the sun. Daiya no longer felt the presence that had touched her mind when she was standing on the mountain. The Net, though attenuated, held them; the village was still with them.
She glanced at her hooded companions. Mausi's eyes were shaded by her hood; her nose was pink with sunburn. She was concentrating on the burn, healing it slowly. Tasso stomped along, swaying slightly from side to side, drawing on his bulk for strength. Harel slowed, then stopped, sitting down quickly on the ground. Daiya settled near him; the others joined them.
—We should eat something—Harel thought.
—Shouldn't we keep going—Daiya asked.
—We should eat now, we can travel afterward until it gets dark and then sleep—Harel seemed weary, his thoughts flat and expressionless.
They untied their sacks. Daiya rummaged through hers, deciding she could last with only a bit of dried meat and a swallow of wine; she would save her water for later. She bit into the meat, then drank some wine. The liquid was warm and sour; she smacked her lips, still feeling thirsty. She suppressed the feeling.
Peloren finished some fruit, then stood up. Tasso, fortified by his muscle and fat, took only a sip of water before hoisting his sack to his back.—Let's go—Peloren thought.—If we sit here much longer, we won't be able to move—She strode off, trailed by the others.
Daiya and Harel lingered behind, holding hands, drawing close to each other. The desert was silent. There were none of the familiar sensations, the trembling spirits of rabbits, the fluttering darting minds of birds, the heartless thoughts of cats. The life here was hidden. Occasionally she sensed the presence of a lizard or snake, its mind a mass of instincts with no feeling or thought, icy and alien.
Sude suddenly darted ahead of everyone, leaping and bounding over the land, growing smaller in the distance. The others hurried after him. He stopped and waited until they caught up with him again. As she approached, Daiya saw the bones next to Sude, the eyeless skull, the bleached ribs, a claw which had once been a hand. Human bones.
—We're getting closer to our destination—he thought. He threw back his hood; his dark eyes were wide open. His terror swept over Daiya.
She threw up her wall, shielding herself.
Peloren went to Sude, raising a hand as if to strike him.—Go on—she thought fiercely.—Don't look at them, just keep going—Her thoughts swallowed Sude's.
Daiya realized that the tall girl was no longer afraid, only resigned. She shuddered, wondering which was worse. Sude turned, pulling up his hood, and continued to walk, Peloren following close behind him.
Harel was no longer smiling; he had not smiled for a while. Daiya blanked her mind, conscious only of the walking, the sand underfoot, the dry air, the growing coolness, Harel's hand.
Daiya awoke, feeling bodies all around her, dimly recalling how they had huddled together in the cold before falling asleep. A foot pressed against her back; the others were stirring. As soon as night had come, they had sunk to the ground, exhausted. She had not even had time to decide whether or not to drink some water before her tiredness overpowered her thirst.
She sat up and stretched her arms. Her back and legs ached; she concentrated on her muscles, relaxing them. The sun was peering at them, low in the east, swimming in the rippling air. Bones were scattered on the ground around them; a skull resting on a backbone grinned at her. She shivered, relieved that the night had hidden the bones from them or it would have been difficult to sleep.
Trying to ignore the signs of death, she reached into her sack, which had served as a pillow, and pulled out some water. The cool water trickled down her throat. She swallowed more, unable to resist, then forced herself to stop. Harel, his head still on his sack, stretched his legs. Mausi yawned, leaning against a drowsy Oren. Peloren groaned as she rubbed her eyes. Tasso danced on his strong, heavy legs, trying to wake up completely. He stopped and stared at them, his head jerking about on his thick neck.
—Sude's gone—Tasso thought.
Daiya blinked. Tasso was right. She pulled on her sack and got to her feet, wondering how he had managed to leave without awakening any of them.—We must find him—she thought.
Peloren's eyes met hers.—Must we? He's chosen his fate—
Daiya choked back her anger.—We can't just leave him—
—Do you want us to tire ourselves looking for him?—the tall girl asked.
—If we don't try to find him, it'll affect us too. We'll have to face our ordeal knowing we didn't try to stay unified, that we forgot a responsibility, and then we may all die. Besides, he can't have gone far—Daiya hoped she was right about that.—Let's put our minds together—she went on.—Try to sense him—