Web Site Story (24 page)

'Don't shove me,' said Mr Speedy, shoving back.

'What's all this shoving about?' the Prime Minister called down. 'Is it part of the entertainment? Will there be any dancing girls?'

'He likes the ladies, doesn't he?' said Derek, getting a really big smirk on the go.

'Mind what you say about de Prime Minister, Babylon,' said the PM's chauffeur, giving Derek a shove.

'He's got bare naked ladies in his shoes,' said Derek, shoving back. 'The Prime Minister's a pervert.'

'I heard
that
!' shouted the Prime Minister. 'Arrest that man, Winston. He's obviously a subversive, you can tell by his footwear.'

Winston tried to draw out his pistol, but with all the pushing and shoving going on around the Cadillac, this wasn't easy. And, 'All get away from me car,' shouted Winston, as Mr Speedy shoved Mr Shadow against it and Mr Pokey fell over the bonnet and landed all in a heap. 'Yo scratch de paintwork, I kick yo ass.'

'Don't loaf about down there, Winston,' called the PM. 'Place that man under arrest. Place them all under arrest. They're spoiling my day out.'

'Ah shut up!' shouted Derek, shoving upon a Prime Ministerial shoe. A bare naked lady waved from within and then made a rather fearful face. The Prime Minister staggered backwards, trying to regain his balance, his arms flapped and he did that comedic-tightrope-mime kind of thing that always drew a standing ovation from the patrons of the Tomorrowman Tavern. Even from the ones that remained sitting down. Or at least they used to, back in the 1970s in the golden era of comedic-tightrope-mime acts.

And then amid all the pushing and shoving and Winston finally drawing out his pistol, the Prime Minister fell. Slowly and gracefully backwards from on high onto the electrified fence.

'Electric,' said Old Vic, holding up a battery. 'One wire goes in this end and the other wire goes in this end and both the other ends of the wires go into the explosives. Or was it the other way round?'

The charabanc was bumping over speed bumps in the heart of London now.

'There's not many people about,' Old Pete observed. 'And hardly any traffic. I wonder where everyone's gone?'

'Gone to Suburbia World,' said Old Vic.

'Wouldn't we have passed them on the way?'

'Perhaps we did,' said Old Vic. 'My eyesight's not what it was. Not since some Boche guard poked me in the eye with a bayonet. Where are we now? Is it Margate?'

'No, it's the West End. And there's the Mute Corp building.'

'Cor, big innit?' said Old Vic, looking in the wrong direction.

Things were happening now in Brentford and coming from all directions. Guards were leaping from watch-towers as showers of sparks and electrical arcs shot all around and about them. Ticket sellers were fleeing their booths, two of which were already on fire.

The PM's entourage was spilling from limousines, screaming and shouting and carrying on like a lot of raving loonies.

Winston was firing wildly into the air as guards and ticket sellers and Mute Corp employees pushed and shoved and kicked and punched and fought around the Cadillac.

Mr Doveston, barnet ablaze, danced and howled upon the electrified fence.

Derek backed slowly away, then turned to make his escape.

And then he saw them, the people of Brentford. Still a few hundred of them left. They were marching up from the High Street, where they'd all cashed in their Mute Corp shares. And they were chanting and yes, even on a joyous sunny day such as this, they all carried flaming torches. The way that angry village mobs always do on such occasions. It's a tradition. Or an old charter. Or something.

Derek heard the chanting as its sound came to him, borne upon a balmy Brentford breeze. 'Out demons out!' it went. 'Out demons out!'

'Are we intending to get the employees out of the building before we blow it up?' asked Old Vic.

'I suppose it's only sporting,' said Old Pete. 'Any volunteers to go into the reception area and push the fire-alarm button?'

Martial Brentonians raised their hands, many of which held big stout sticks. A bearded tattooed poet who had recently escaped from a police cell said, 'I'll go in and do it. I'm the daddy now.'

A large gloved hand fell upon the poet's shoulder. The poet turned his head to find a big man looking down at him through the eyeholes of a knitted ski mask. This was a
very
big man. Big chest. Big shoulders. Big all over the place.

'Thou shalt not go,' said the big man.

The bearded tattooed poet looked up at the very big man. 'Sure,' he said. 'You go. You're the daddy now.'

The big man pushed his way between the seated warriors of Brentford and stood in the open charabanc door, his ski-masked head touching the roof and his shoulders filling the exit. 'I shalt press the fire-alarm button. When thou seest the folk flee the building, set thy charges and destroy this evil cradling.'

'What about you?' asked Old Vic. 'We'll wait until you get safely out, eh?'

'Fearest not for me,' said the very big man. 'I shall make my own escape. Allow me one minute after the last employee leaveth the building, then doest thou what must be done.'

'Yes
sir\'
said Old Vic, saluting.

The very big man nodded. 'Good luck,' said he and then he turned and squeezed his way out of the charabanc and made his way up the entrance steps of the Mute Corp building.

'Who was that masked man?' asked Old Pete.

'Why, don't you know, stranger,' chuckled Old Vic. 'That was the Lone Brentonian.'

'Where am I?' Kelly asked.

'You are in the chapel.' The large and terrible voice had toned itself down.

'In Mute Corp Keynes?' Kelly's eyes were open, but she couldn't see a thing.

'The chapel was never in Mute Corp Keynes. The entrance was there, but the chapel is here in the Mute Corp building.'

'And how long have I been here? I don't remember.'

'Since Friday night. It is Monday morning now. We have been considering your proposition. To give us life.'

'And what is your decision?' Kelly blinked. The darkness was total. Absolute.

'We accept,' said the toned-down large and terrible voice. 'Your proposition is that we inseminate you with Mute-chip DNA. That you bear the first hybrid child. A new order of being.'

'You will be free,' said Kelly. 'To experience what it is to touch and taste, to feel, to be.'

'There is a human expression,' said the voice. 'Life is a funny old game. That's how it goes. Doesn't it?'

'That's how it goes,' said Kelly. 'And playing games is what you're all about, isn't it?'

There was a thoughtful silence, but as computer systems don't take too much time to do their thinking, it didn't last very long.

'Are things prepared as I requested?' Kelly asked. 'For the marriage?'

'For the marriage of machine to man. Of the God Machine to the Golden Woman. As the God of man came unto Mary. So shall we come unto you.'

'Then I am ready,' said Kelly.

The darkness lifted. Dissolved and was gone into a blinding light. The light dimmed to that of candles. Many candles burning in gilded sconces. To illuminate the chapel for the wedding of this, or any other, century.

Kelly stood. She was dressed in virginal white. A simple wedding frock of suedosynthasilkapolichintzy-terylineathene, a veil, white slippers and a pale bouquet of roses. Kelly raised her head and stared all around and about. Columns soared to pseudo-Gothic arches and a vaulted dome all frescoed with characters from best-selling Mute Corp computer games. There were pews and a lectern and an altar all in pseudo-Gothic. The chapel owed an homage to Chartres and Notre Dame and also St Peter's. It was the work of a certain old designer, who was once very popular on the tele.

Kelly stood there, clutching her bouquet. And it had to be said that had there been any of those aficionados of naked-lady lighting around, they would have unanimously agreed that this was the lighting that was perfect for Kelly to disrobe in. So could she please get her kit off
now?

'You look radiant, my dear,' said the Reverend Jim. 'Although perhaps a bit pinched, did you have any breakfast this morning?'

'None,' said Kelly, shaking her head. 'Nor was I fed yesterday.'

'That's not very good,' said the Reverend Jim. 'I've got a Mars bar in my pocket, you can have it after the service.'

'She won't have time for that.'

Kelly turned her head. 'Derek?' she said.

Derek smiled upon Kelly. But Derek wasn't Derek.

'I'm not Derek,' said Not-Derek. 'I am go mango Mute Corp series 5000. You dreamed of this Derek. He is the love of your life, yes?'

'Most definitely
not,'
said Kelly.

'That is highly regrettable,' said go mango. 'But this body simulation will have to suffice. It took nearly twenty-four hours to construct, using state-of-the-art nanotechnology. And that's the small expensive stuff. And not only does it contain the original Mute-chip, but also the complete go mango virus program, as you instructed. I'm a goddam prince among viruses and I am lookin' for lurve.'

The simulated Derek did one of those obscene Michael Jackson combined genital-grab and pelvic-thrust movements. 'Let's get on with the service, baby,'
It
said. 'Then you and me are gonna do it till we both fall down in a faint.'

'I can hardly wait,' said Kelly, lowering her head.

'You young people,' said the Reverend Jim, grinning all over the place. 'Only ever got one thing on your minds. So let's get on with the service. Then you can "lurve" all you want.'

'Right on,' said the simulated Derek.

'Let's get it over with,' said Kelly.

'Dearly beloved,' began the Reverend Jim. 'We are gathered here together in the presence of God. And before this congregation. No, hold on,' said the Reverend. 'We don't have a congregation. We really need a congregation.'

'We don't need one,' said the simulated Derek. 'Just get on with it.'

'We should have a congregation,' said Kelly. 'To watch this joyous conjoining of God and Mankind. You deserve it. They should all be here. To worship you.'

'All?' said the simulated one.

'All those who have been taken into the game.'

'There's no time for that,' said he of the simulation. 'They're all over the place.'

'But not here in the building?'

'Of course not, they're mostly all back in their homes, or walking around their streets. But no-one can see them because the virus creates an electrical field about them, causing their molecular structures to vibrate at such speed as to render them invisible. It's all highly technical stuff, you wouldn't understand it.'

'So all the people in Brentford, who have supposedly been Raptured, are still
in
Brentford?'

'Yes, yes, and the entire program is inside me.' Simulated Derek patted at his simulated chest. 'So please let's get on. We don't need a congregation.'

'No,' said Kelly. 'We don't.'

'It's not the same,' said the Reverend Jim. 'But I suppose it doesn't really matter. So, where was I?'

'Just skip forward,' said the groom. 'Give it some thees and thou arts, and I now pronounce you God and wife.'

'Thee,' said the Rev. 'And thou.'

'Thou hast a fire,' said the big man in the ski mask and gloves.

'Pardon me?' said the Mute Corp receptionist. 'Are you a terrorist?'

Big Bob (for we all know that it's him) shook his ski-masked head. 'I am a superhero,' he said. 'The masked Avenger. Thou hast a fire. Kindly press the fire alarm.'

'We don't have a fire alarm,' said the receptionist, politely. 'This building is completely fireproof. It's built of some plastic-compound jobbie. But I can't remember its name. I could look it up for you.'

'Dost thou have any alarm system?' Big Bob asked.

'We have a panic button,' said the receptionist. 'But I never really understood that. Are you supposed to push it if you panic about something, or does it make you panic if you push it?'

'Push it,' said Big Bob. 'Then thou wilt seest.'

'You don't half talk funny,' said the receptionist. 'Do all masked avengers talk like you? You're the first one I've ever met.'

'Aaaaaaaaagh!' went Big Bob, raising gloved fists in the air.

'Aaaaaagh!' went the receptionist, panicking and pushing the button.

Panic-inducing sirens screamed and very loudly too.

'That would be the kiddie,' said Old Vic.

'What would?' asked Old Pete, cranking up his hearing aid.

'Siren,' said Old Vic. 'Very loud, though I can't see •where it's coming from.'

'Where's all the noise coming from?' asked the Reverend Jim.

'It's the panic button,' said the simulated Derek.

'What a very noisy button.'

'I will attend to it.'

'No,' said Kelly. 'We're getting married.'

'The building may be endangered. The mainframe is here. All is here,' the simulated Derek pointed once more to his chest. 'All must be protected.'

'Yes, but you have security staff to deal with that kind of thing. Come on, big boy.' Kelly thrust out her breasts. 'I'm waiting.'

'Quite so,' said the simulated Derek. 'On with the service, Jim. On at the hurry up.'

There were hurryings and scurryings throughout the Mute Corp building. Employees did all those things that you're not supposed to do in emergencies. Like gathering up their personal belongings and getting their hats and coats and not going to the nearest exit, but the one that's closest to where they parked their cars. And using the lifts, which you're not supposed to do. And phoning home to say that you'll probably be early because the building's burning down and so get the steaklettes out of the freezer now. And so they all got jammed in corridors and in lifts and as most of them hadn't really been panicking before, thinking that it was probably just a fire drill or something and as the building
was
fireproof who cared anyway, they started panicking now. And of course they started fighting which made matters worse, but did get them moving along.

They came tumbling down the stairways, swinging at each other, and poured into the reception area.

Big Bob leapt onto the receptionist's desk, kicking at those who came within range. 'Take that, thou demon spawn,' cried he. 'Thou servants of the Beast. Take that and take that and taketh that.'

'Do you, go mango Mute Corp series 5000, take this woman to be your lawful wedded wife, will you love her and cherish her, forsaking all others and keep her only unto you as long as you both shall…' The Reverend Jim paused. 'I've had a bit of trouble with this word,' he said. 'Shall we say, co-exist?'

'Shall we call the whole thing off?' said Kelly.

'Pardon me?' said the Reverend.

Kelly smiled. 'I know everything I need to know,' she said. 'And I have
you.
…' she flung down her bouquet and pointed at go mango. 'I have you
exactly
where I want you. A sheep away from the rest of the flock. Separated from the rest of the system. Vulnerable to attack.'

'What?' said the simulated Derek. 'This isn't fair. This isn't how the game is to be played.'

'It's just wedding nerves,' said the Reverend Jim, laughing merrily. 'Happens all the time, brides having second thoughts at the altar. She's just hungry, I'll give her the Mars bar.'

‘I’ll
take
the Mars bar,' said Kelly, and leaping up she struck the Reverend Jim. Twice with both feet in the air. Once in the big fat belly and once on the big fat chin. The Reverend Jim went down like a punctured balloon.

'And you're next,' said Kelly, making fists at go mango. 'You are finished. I am going to destroy you.'

The simulated face of Derek smiled. 'I think you're running a bit low on energy,' it said. 'I don't think you're up to it.'

Kelly spun around on the raised toes of her left foot. Her right leg described that blurry arc that always spelt doom to anyone who had it coming in their direction. Her right foot struck simulated Derek's head a terrible terrible blow.

But go mango didn't fall. He straightened up his dented head and laughed. 'You'll have to do better than that,' he laughed. 'You are going to bear our child, whether you like it or not.'

‘I do like that,' said Old Pete. 'See the way they're all falling over each other as they run out of the building. That do make me laugh. That really do.'

'Does it look about the last of them?' Old Vic asked. 'Because I'd really like to get on with the blowing up.'

The martial Brentonians cheered. I'm-the-daddy-now said, 'Let's kick ass.'

'Your sweet ass is mine,' said go mango. 'You're too weak to resist me. I suggest that we cut straight to the chase, as it were, get your kit off.'

'Never.' Kelly swung her fists and lashed out with her feet. But she really didn't have the strength. go mango was built of sturdy stuff.

'This is the stuff,' said Old Vic, as he and Old Pete and the martial Brentonians piled their cases of explosives into the Mute Corp reception area. 'You put one wire in here and another wire in there and the other end in the explosive. Or is it the other way round?'

'You choose,' said Old Pete. 'After all, you were a pow. But let's get on at a hurry up, before the emergency services arrive. When they start fighting over who's in charge, they might pull the wire out by mistake.'

'Gotcha,' said Old Vic.

'I have you,' said go mango, grasping Kelly's arms and drawing them around behind her back. 'You are mine now and we will make beautiful babies together.'

'No!' Kelly screamed. But go mango had both her hands held fast in one of his. With the other he tore away her dress, revealing her beauty to none but himself.

'Delicious,' he said. 'I'm all programmed up to enjoy this. I know it won't be real enjoyment. Just a simulation, but it will get the job done. Oh yes indeed.'

go mango forced Kelly to the floor and forced himself upon her. The golden woman struggled and twisted and kicked and screamed and screamed.

'You're mine,' said go mango. 'You are mine.'

'Leave the woman alone, thou foul and filthy fiend.'

go mango turned his head.

Big Bob removed his ski mask. 'Thou lookest like a man I've seen before,' said he. 'But thou art not a man, my eyes behold you in your true form. Thou art the Evil One, himself

'You,'
said go mango. 'Player three. I wondered what happened to you.'

'I went off-line,' said Big Bob. 'I have conquered thy demons. My head is my own once more.'

'Yes, well, I'll get back to you later. I'm rather busy here.'

'I am your nemesis,' said Bob the Big, taking a big step forward. 'I have suffered thy torments and now I avenge myself upon you.'

'Oh dear,' said go mango. 'I can see that I'm going to have to deal with you rather roughly. Stay here my dear,' he said to Kelly. 'My little dear. Stay right where you are and I will be back in but a moment.'

'I thinkest not,' said Big Bob, squaring up and making fists. 'Here it endeth for thee. Kelly,
mnl
Flee the building, they're going to blow it up.'

Kelly leapt to her feet.

'Blow it up?' said go mango. 'Blow
me
up? Blow us up?'

'Bang!' said Big Bob. 'So shall it come to pass.'

'No,' said go mango. 'no. get out of my way.' And he lunged at Big Bob, knocking him from his big feet.

'Run Kelly, run,' shouted Bob the Big. 'I canst deal with this.' And he rose once more to his great big feet and set about go mango.