Wednesday (Timeless Series #3) (24 page)

July 31
st

Making love with her is completely different than all the sex I’ve had with random women. It is about our spirits more than our bodies. When I am with her, I always look her in the eye. We are connected in that way, reacting to each other in sensual ways. I give myself to her completely, enjoying her body and her soul at the same time.

I love the way she looks at me. Her eyes light up in desire, but she also stares at me like I am her entire world. The love she gives me is paramount, especially when we are in bed together. An asteroid could hit the earth but neither one of us would notice.

I could do that all day every day with her. Time stands still and it is just she and I. She heals my soul with every touch and every embrace. When her legs are wrapped around my waist, I fall deep into her, never wanting to come up for air.

I want to do this for the rest of my life—with her.

When I looked at the clock, I realized it was four in the morning. I’d spent all night reading his entries, getting absorbed in his past. I felt like I was reading his mind, seeing the thoughts I never had access to.

I had to work in an hour so I placed the journal in my nightstand and went to sleep, intent on finishing his journal at my next opportunity.

Passing Time

Hawke

A week had come and gone but I didn’t hear a word from Francesca.

Did she read it?

Or did she stuff it into her nightstand to be forgotten?

Or even worse, did she throw it away?

If she read it, I expected her to be done with it by now. My hope was disappearing with every passing day, fearing the inevitable defeat. I lost the final battle and lost the war.

I lost her.

***

“Has she spoken to you?” Axel sat across from me in the bar. As soon as he got there, he slid into the booth, not bothering to order a beer.

“No.”

“But it’s been a week.”

“I told you, Axel. She doesn’t care.”

“Maybe I should say something to her…”

“Don’t bother.” I didn’t touch my beer because I was already drunk. I’d been drunk a lot lately. “What happened when you gave it to her? Exactly?”

“I told her it was from you. She didn’t take it at first but she did eventually. I didn’t have to force it on her.”

“Did she say she would read it?”

“Actually, she didn’t say anything at all.”

My last try blew up in my face. “Then that’s that. She’ll marry him and live happily ever after. And I’ll die alone.”

“You don’t know that. Maybe she’s reading it. That sucker was thick. It’ll take her some time to get through it.”

“I don’t know…”

“Let’s not throw in the towel just yet. There’s still some hope.”

Not from where I could see.

Reading

Francesca

Kyle spent the night every day that week so I couldn’t look at Hawke’s journal. I felt like I was doing something wrong by reading it at all but I couldn’t stop myself. His recount of the past was too interesting for me to ignore. I felt like I was with him, even in a different time than the present one.

Kyle and I grew closer together in the past few months, and he was definitely happier now that Hawke had disappeared. He never asked about him or even mentioned his name. It was like he didn’t think about him at all.

I was getting used to a future with Kyle until this journal fell into my hands. Reading about his experience when we weren’t together was heartbreaking. Even though I was mad at him at the time, I still pitied him. His internal struggle with his own demons was constantly the focal point of his existence. He wanted me, but his need to protect me was stronger.

His recount of our time together was beautiful, and he saw the relationship in the same way I did. It wasn’t a typical relationship that every lover experienced. What we had was different—supernatural.

***

We woke up Saturday morning and made breakfast in the kitchen.

Kyle ate everything on his plate, acting like he hadn’t eaten in years.

“What do you want to do today?” I sat beside him at the table and drank my coffee.

“Actually, I have plans today.” He said it in a dreadful way.

“What are you doing?”

“Axel and I are going to a Yankees game.”

It made me happy that he got along with my brother so well. I said Axel’s opinion didn’t matter, but it did. “Cool.”

“I like hanging out with him and everything, but I’d rather stay here with you—naked.”

“Well, I’ll be here when you get back.”

“Will you be naked?” He wiggled his eyebrows.

“There’s a good chance I will be.”

“Ooh…then I hope those innings go by quickly.” He cleaned his plate and set it on the sink. “I should get home so I can shower and get ready.”

“Okay.”

He leaned down and kissed me on the forehead. “I’ll see you later, baby.”

“Okay. Have fun.”

“I will.” He gave me a quick peck on the neck before he walked out.

The second the front door shut, my eyes moved to my bedroom. The door was open and I could see the foot of the bed. My nightstand was beside it, and the journal was in the top drawer.

I stared at it for a few seconds, unable to stow away my urge. My breakfast sat in front of me, untouched. I suddenly lost my appetite and didn’t need a steaming cup of coffee.

I needed to read that journal.

***

January 5
th

When Francesca put on her locket, she never took it off. When we make love, I feel it rub against my chest, feeling the tiny engraving I placed in the metal. I love seeing her wear it, even if it is tucked underneath her shirt at work.

She is mine.

This Christmas was even better than the previous one. She made me a blanket from all my old t-shirts, things that she kept and took to New York. It was a token of her love. It survived the years we were apart.

She and I said we were soul mates long ago, and they weren’t just romantic words. I really meant them and so did she. We’ve only been together again for six months, but I don’t need more time to understand how I feel.

I want to marry her.

I want to spend my life with her.

When she introduced me as her boyfriend to Logan, it didn’t feel right. I am much more than some boyfriend. But she couldn’t introduce me as more than that. I am the love of her life, her one and only.

I want to be her husband.

I want to join together and be a single being with her.

So I went with Axel and Marie and designed a custom ring. It took me a long time to figure out exactly what I wanted to get her, but when I found it, I knew. I can picture her wearing it every single day for the rest of her life. In six weeks, the ring will be ready and I’ll finally ask her what I should have asked years ago.

To marry me.

My hands shook as I held the journal. “Oh my god…” I couldn’t breathe because my body was so tense. I felt lightheaded and dizzy. My heart was about to give out from all the blood that rushed there.

He was going to propose to me.

He had the ring.

Why didn’t he?

I kept reading, needing to know that answer.

***

There was a two-week gap in his entries. He didn’t write anything at all, and I knew why.

His mother passed away and he took off to South Carolina, leaving his journal behind. Even if he had it, I doubt he would have taken the time to write in it. He was delirious with rage, not himself at all. If you called him Hawke, he probably wouldn’t have responded to his own name.

The first entry was after he ended our relationship.

February 5
th

Sometimes I picture my father dying—over and over again. Like the coward that he truly was, he panicked at the sight of the gun and went into cardiac arrest. He couldn’t handle a moment of fear while Mom and I went through it every single day of our lives.

And he couldn’t handle a single moment.

Pathetic.

I’m glad that piece of shit is dead. My only regret is not killing him myself.

Francesca claims I wouldn’t have done it, but what does she know? She doesn’t get it. All she thinks about is rainbows and unicorns all day long. Her misplaced optimism irritates me.

She irritates me.

I had to get rid of her. I held that gun in my hand and thought it was loaded. I really would have murdered him if I had the chance. She couldn’t be with someone like that, someone this maniacal. We are from different worlds and she needs someone better than me.

I am trash.

I am an orphan from a broken home. I have serous anger issues. My emotional development is seriously stunted. I am insufferable, rude, and just an ass.

She should be with someone better.

She threatened to never take me back if I wanted her. That was the best threat I ever heard. Now I can’t get her back even if I wanted to. She will make sure of it.

That’s how it should be.

For the next few months, his anger burned off the pages. He always talked about his parents, even if he said the same thing. The ink was pressed hard into the paper like he was gripping it too lightly. I could feel the anger just from touching the page.

He mentioned me every time but he never said he missed me. All he said was we shouldn’t be together. I would end up with someone else and have lots of children. And he would remain a bitter man.

With every page, I realized just how far he fell. He was stuck in a vortex where no one could reach him. He had a breakdown in every sense of the word. Hawke had died and this other man replaced him.

No wonder why I couldn’t talk any sense into him.

He never mentioned Axel, work, or women. All he talked about was his mother and how she died. He went into vivid detail about it, picturing exactly how it happened.

A few months later, his entries started to change.

April 9
th

I had a dream about her last night.

She stood in front of me in a white dress. I’ve never seen her mother’s gown but somehow I knew it was hers. Her hair was pulled back, revealing her perfect features. Her green eyes glowed just for me.

She came down the aisle toward me, her hand hooked on Axel’s arm. And when she arrived, she had to restrain herself from jumping in my arms. Like nothing happened, she stared at me like I was her prince.

She loved me.

My alarm clock shattered the dream, killing me with the loss. I wanted to hold on to that moment as long as possible, to feel her heavenly glow.

But she was gone.

I didn’t go into work because I couldn’t get out of bed. The weight of my grief hit me all at once and I realized exactly what I lost. I hurt the one family member I had left. I sent her away and didn’t know how much time had passed.

And I cried.

I felt the pages with my fingertips and tried to steady myself. Every entry was more heart wrenching than the previous one. He suffered so much, and what was worse, he was his own tormentor. He could never escape the inflictions he caused to himself.

He wouldn’t allow himself to be happy.

It took him four months to wake up from his nightmare, and by that time, I was already a whole new person. Hawke came back to me, entering his own body and returning to this plane, but it was too late.

June 4
th

I went to her shop, unsure what would happen when I got there. I needed to talk to her but I had no idea what I would say. The way I treated her was unacceptable. She tried to stand beside me and help me, but I viciously pushed her away.

Why should she forgive me?

The second I was in her shop, she knew I was there. The fact she was still in sync with my mind gave me hope that we could find our way back to each other. But the moment I looked at her face, I knew that wasn’t possible.

She will never forgive me.

She hates me.

And she wants nothing to do with me.

Neither one of us spoke but we didn’t need to. I bowed my head in shame and walked out, knowing I deserved her rejection.

I read through the pages until I found the day he realized my locket was gone.  I wasn’t sure if I wanted to read this but I couldn’t stop myself.

August 6
th

I walked into her shop with the intention of never leaving. I was going to fix us, get her back where she belonged. Kyle deserved her, but I wanted her more. But when I looked at her, I realized I was too late.

The locket was gone.

She no longer carried a torch for me. She no longer held a vigil in her heart. She removed the necklace and probably threw it away, removing my final hold on her. Now she belonged to Kyle exclusively.

I was out of time.

My mouth stopped working because my body shut down. I lost a gamble I couldn’t afford to lose. My heart slowed to a dangerous pace and almost stopped working altogether. My lungs forgot how to breathe. My world came crashing down around me, the painful defeat hitting me hard.

I was too late.

I couldn’t take it back.

I lost.

I went home and stood in the entryway, staring at all the furniture she and I lay on. Her ghost was still in this apartment, and until now, it comforted me. But now it just haunted me.

She doesn’t want to see me anymore so I have to move. I’ll sell this place even if I lose my investment and find somewhere else to live, a place where I won’t cross paths with her again.

She doesn’t want me in her life anymore.

And I don’t blame her.

The final few entries are short, shortest of them all.

August 15
th

What do I do now?

Can I just go back to what my life was like before? Sleep around and focus on work? Can I really go back to a meaningless life after I experienced the greatest love anyone has ever known?

Francesca is with Kyle now. They will be happy together, and one day, they will both forget about me.

And I’ll forget about myself too.

August 22
nd

Does she still think about me?

August 29
th

I still miss her.

September 12
th

Will this pain ever stop?

I read every entry, feeling my eyes burn, until I got to the last page.

Francesca,

You should be with Kyle. He’s loyal and honest, and he’ll give you the life you want. He’ll be a great husband and father. You’ll know nothing but joy, and I want that for you.

But I want you more.

I really dragged both of us through the mud and ruined something so damn perfect no one would believe it if I told them. I let you down.

I broke you.

I’m sorry for everything I’ve done. There’s no justification or excuse I can make for my stupidity. It’s ridiculous that I’m even asking you to be with me again. I know I don’t deserve another chance.