I smiled and imagined spending Christmas with Wesley’s family and the thought sent chills down my spine. I was glad for Mark though.
He was older and smarter than I was and he always seemed to inspire me. He was friends with Professor Kitner and an advocate of same-sex marriage. He and his boyfriend, Jared, wore matching rings so that the symbol of their bond was present; now they just needed the benefits opposite-sex couples enjoyed.
“I don’t know if we’ll be able to do that. Wesley’s family…. Well, his parents objected to our relationship from the start. But my mom’s really cool and pretty much thinks of Wesley as a second son,” I said, shoving my hands in my coat pockets and smiling faintly.
“It’s too bad about his family,” Mark said, looking down and shaking his head.
I nodded and looked down the sidewalk. Several students were walking around campus, some wearing just sweatshirts and others wearing thick, winter coats. It was hard to tell what season it was by looking at all the different layers people were wearing. One of the kids wearing a sweatshirt looked like Wesley and I squinted my eyes for a better look. My heart started beating faster and a giant smile dawned on my face. It was him, and I waved and shouted his name. He smiled and walked toward me, then looked at Mark and lost his grin.
“Hi! What are you doing here?” I asked, feeling giddy through my whole body. Wesley looked really handsome and I was excited to show him off to Mark.
“I thought I’d see if you wanted to get lunch,” Wesley said, glancing at Mark again with a sour look.
“Yeah, of course!” Wesley had never visited me at school and I was happy to see him. It was Monday, his day off, so I knew he made an effort to come see me. “Oh, I’m sorry!” I said, thudding my head with my palm and turning to Mark. “Mark, this is my boyfriend, Wesley.
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Wesley, this is Mark.” Mark extended his hand and Wesley shook it, his expression easing up with what looked like relief.
“It’s nice to meet you. Toren talks about you all the time,” Mark said with a smile and I felt myself blush. “I gotta get to my next class, so I’ll see you Wednesday, Toren. It was nice meeting you, Wesley. Have a good lunch!” Mark said, stepping backward, turning and waving.
I waved goodbye to Mark, then looked at Wesley. “C’mon, let’s go get lunch. My treat!” I said, taking Wesley’s hand briefly. He followed and smiled back at me and we went to the cafeteria in the University Mall. There was a McDonald’s, a Subway, and a Domino’s and Wesley got a pizza and I got a sub. We shared our lunches, but Wesley wasn’t eating very much. He seemed a little off; not exactly depressed, but definitely not himself. I asked him if something was bothering him, but he denied it, explaining that he was just tired. He had been busy at work the past couple of days, so I accepted his excuse without question. I told him about my math quiz and he said he would see if he could help. He was lucky; he could just read the textbook and understand it while I needed it spelled out for me. Wesley sipped his soda and sighed heavily.
“Are you sure you’re okay?” I asked again, taking another slice of pizza. I couldn’t shake the feeling that something was bothering him.
“Yeah, I’m just tired,” he reiterated and sighed again.
“You’re not acting like yourself. I want my old Wesley back,” I said, brushing his hand on the table. He smiled, but it was like he was appeasing me. I glanced at the clock and looked at Wesley. I was disappointed that I had to go to class. “Thank you so much for coming to see me. It was the nicest present,” I said, putting all the trash on the tray.
“No problem. I thought it would be fun to surprise you,” he said, standing up and taking the tray.
We walked outside and Wesley walked with me to the liberal arts building. I took his hand and squeezed it quickly.
“Well, I gotta get to class. I should be home around five-thirty. So, I’ll see you when I get home, okay? I love you,” I said, smiling warmly and hoping that he would cheer up.
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“All right. I’ll see you later. Love you too.” He waved over his shoulder and I watched him walk away.
I made a late dinner of chicken noodle soup for us because I thought that maybe Wesley was getting sick. But he had two bowls of soup and two slices of toast. We watched TV quietly, but Wesley didn’t seem to be paying attention; his mind was somewhere else. I snuggled close to him on the sofa, resting my head against his shoulder. His arm was resting on the back of the sofa, but he didn’t ruffle my hair or put his arm around my shoulders. I was pressed close to him, but he kept his gaze on the TV.
“Do you think we’ll be together forever?” Wesley asked, out of the blue.
“I don’t believe in forever,” I answered devilishly, though it was true.
“Huh?”
I felt Wesley’s body tense beside me and I pushed my head against his shoulder. “Forever is a long time. It’s not even quantifiable. You can’t promise something you don’t know.”
Wesley sighed. “I was hoping for something a little more reassuring.”
“I think we’ll be together as long as we both want to be. People change over time, but I think we’ll be okay as long as we make each other happy,” I said, hoping that reassured him.
“But you’re already changing, aren’t you?” Wesley whispered, nearly inaudibly.
“What?”
“You’re already changing,” he repeated. “You’ll outgrow me one day. While you’re going to school, meeting new people, and learning new things, I’ll still be in the same place.”
He continued staring at the TV with a blank look on his face. My stomach felt hollow. He didn’t really feel that way, did he?
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“What are you even talking about?” I asked, sitting up and looking into his eyes. He turned his gaze from the TV to the floor.
“Five years from now, you’ll have your degree and a good job, and your life will be totally different from mine. You deserve someone who can keep up with you, who’ll grow and change with you, someone smarter and more interesting than me. Someone who won’t hold you back.”
“What the hell are you talking about?” I shouted, jolting Wesley with the tone of my voice. It was the first time I ever raised my voice to him and my eyes teared up. “Who cares about the future? I wanna be with you now, but you sound like you wanna break up!”
Wesley stared at me for a long moment, then shook his head. “I don’t want to break up. I wanna be with you forever, but I also want you to be happy and I don’t want to hold you back. I can’t help thinking about the future and my place in yours. You’ve got a ton to offer, Toren, and I just….”
I swallowed hard and wiped away the tears on my cheeks. I didn’t understand what he was talking about and I didn’t know what to say. I felt Wesley staring at me, but I couldn’t look at him.
“Just forget it. Forget I said anything,” Wesley murmured, furrowing his brows and standing up. “I’m just tired and my mind’s not quite all there,” he said with a forced laugh. “Want something to drink?”
I shook my head. I felt miserable inside and now Wesley was acting like nothing had happened. When he came back from the kitchen with a beer, he sat down with his arm around my shoulders. We watched TV quietly until I went to bed around eleven. Wesley said he was tired, but he didn’t come to bed. I waited for him and realized I had trouble falling asleep without his arm draped over my waist. I had gotten so used to his warmth that my entire body felt cold without him. When he finally did come to bed, he lay down with his back to me. My heart hurt and I felt like he was out of reach, even though he was lying right next to me.
I GOT ready for school while Wesley slept. I felt awful and tired, but I went to school anyway. I didn’t know how to talk to Wesley today.
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When I said goodbye, he smiled and lifted his head from the pillow, told me to have a good day and that he loved me. He sounded normal, but he usually got up with me on his days off. We’d have breakfast together, then he’d take a nap while I was at school. Nothing was right this morning and the stress tightened knots in my stomach.
I went to my first class, but it was pointless; I couldn’t concentrate on anything. Between classes, I went to the Mall and got a soda and a muffin. I sat down at an empty table and wondered how I went from feeling so happy yesterday afternoon to feeling so miserable today. I was so excited that Wesley came to visit me, but he didn’t seem like himself yesterday afternoon either. I wondered what on earth was making him act so strange.
“Hey, Toren!” Josh shouted from across the cafeteria. “What’s going on?” he asked when he neared my table.
I sighed quietly and forced a smile. “Nothing. How are you?”
“Pretty good. You ready for Bio?”
“Yeah, I guess.” I sighed again. I sighed with every breath I took. I collected the muffin and straw wrapper and stood up. Josh followed me as I dumped it into the trash bin and walked to the side exit.
“Are you okay?” Josh asked, tilting his head to the side. “You seem kinda down today.”
“Yeah, I’m fine,” I said. “I’m just tired. And something’s bothering Wesley, but he won’t talk to me about it.”
“Hmm. Wonder if he took what I said to heart,” Josh mused aloud, looking up at the sky as we walked toward the sciences building.
“What do you mean?” I asked, following Josh’s eyes to the light gray clouds overhead.
“I ran into him yesterday on campus. It was pretty funny; he looked so out of place here,” Josh said, then looked at me. “Seriously, Toren, you need to leave that guy behind. He’s just gonna hold you back.”
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“What?” I stopped and glared at Josh. “Just what the hell did you say to him?” My stomach tightened and I balled my hands into fists. Josh looked at me and seemed amused.
“I just told him the truth: that you deserved better. You’re just limiting yourself by staying with him.”
“Shut up! Just shut up! You don’t know me, and you sure as hell don’t know Wesley! He’s a hell of a lot better than you could ever be!
Don’t you ever talk to him again!” I shouted. “Just leave us alone!”
Josh’s face contorted in a strange emotion mixed with surprise and I felt him staring holes into my back.
As I hurried to the bus stop, everything seemed to make sense in a disconnected way. Now I knew why Wesley seemed out of it. Josh had put salt in an already sensitive wound. Wesley was always insecure about his intelligence; his parents always told him that he wasn’t as smart as his brother was and that he could never be as successful. Now, Josh told him that he wasn’t smart enough to be with me. I wished the bus would get me home faster.
I opened the front door and shouted Wesley’s name. He stood up, startled, from the sofa and looked at me. Tears began to fall from my eyes and I wiped them away.
“Wha…. I thought you were in class till six.” Wesley said, surprised to see me and no doubt wondering about the tears in my eyes.
I stared at him for a moment, trying to think of something to say.
My tears streamed down my cheeks and I ran in to him with my book bag still on my back. “You big…stupid…dummy!” I shouted, failing to express my feelings more accurately. “Why didn’t you tell me you talked to Josh yesterday?” I asked, pulling my head back and looking up at Wesley. “Why do you believe what a jerk like that says? Why don’t you believe me?”
Wesley stared at me bewildered for a moment, then put his hands on my shoulders. I felt calmer just with his touch. “I’m sorry. I just…. I don’t know,” Wesley mumbled awkwardly.
“When I say ‘I love you,’ I mean it! I don’t want to be with anyone else. You’re the only one that can make me happy. So why don’t you 208
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believe me when I tell you? Do I not tell you enough? Or show you? I know you mean it when you say you love me, so how can I make you believe me?” I rambled, asking questions that I didn’t even understand. I was making this his fault again, but I knew it was mine. I knew his insecurities and I did nothing to help make him stronger. “I’m sorry! I’m sorry, Wesley!”
“Toren, calm down,” Wesley said, gripping my shoulders tighter.
But I shook my head. Wesley felt bad yesterday and I only made him feel worse. “Toren, c’mon,” he said, then slid his hands around my back and pulled me close. I felt his hand ruffle my hair and his fingertips between my shoulder blades. I could feel his ribs when he took a deep breath and I could hear my own heart beating.
“I’m sorry,” I whimpered.
“For what? There’s nothing for you to be sorry for.”
“But, I knew. I knew something was bothering you and I didn’t….”
“It’s okay. I was just feeling sorry for myself and I took it out on you. I just…. I can’t help but worry that I don’t deserve to be with you,”
he whispered.
“Don’t even say that! I don’t deserve to be with you,” I answered, lowering my eyes. “I love you so much it scares me sometimes. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”
“I feel the same way. It is kinda scary, but I do know that I wanna be with you. Forever. Regardless if you believe in it or not.”
I smiled and laughed quietly. Now, forever didn’t seem long enough. He kissed me sweetly on my lips and I closed my eyes and ran my fingers though his hair. His kiss became deeper and my body felt like it was melting.
“Why didn’t you tell me you ran into Josh?” I asked, pulling back from his alluring lips.
“I don’t know. It didn’t seem important,” he answered with a sigh.
“I was ready to punch him. Heh, I told him never to talk to you again,” I confided, recalling my outburst. I felt a little embarrassed Wes & Toren
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because I would have to see Josh on Thursday, but I meant every word I said. Wesley was a million times the man Josh could even dream of being.
“I wish I could tell him the same thing. I just can’t wait for this semester to be over so you won’t have to see that prick again,” Wesley said, hugging me tightly, protectively.
I nuzzled my face against his chin and neck in agreement. But it didn’t matter, because the cutest, smartest, funniest, sweetest guy in the whole world had his arms wrapped around me and I didn’t have to share him with anyone. I didn’t care if I was greedy; Wesley was mine and it was like no one else in the world existed.