With that we head out to get our friends.
***
Times Square is freaking incredible. I've never seen anything like it. Even Sebastian is speechless which says a lot because he has a big mouth and always has something to say.
I don't even know what it is about the place. I mean,
there's stores
there, but there are stores everywhere. Pubs and bars we'd all do anything to get into. Museums and theaters Priscilla can't keep her eyes off. I can't get my eyes off her.
Sebastian's hands latched with Aspen's and mine with Priscilla as we practically spin in a circle trying to take it all in.
This is going to sound totally lame, but I suddenly feel small. Not in a bad way, but in a normal way. Like I'm just this person like everyone else and my problems feel so much smaller.
For the first time, I wonder if I might really be able to lose all my issues here. If I can make them get lost in the sea of people and lights and activity.
If Priscilla can help me make them go away.
Like I said...
Lame, right?
"This is so kickass," Sebastian finally finds his voice.
"For sure," I add.
We go into a music store and embarrass the girls by singing to them. Priscilla's brown skin highlights pink and it's seriously hot. When Sebastian breaks into a dance it's too much even for me. "Now you're embarrassing yourself. You can't dance for shit."
"You're just jealous of my mad skills."
The words are hardly out of his mouth before I pull him into a headlock.
"You guys are so embarrassing!" Aspen says before ducking down another row. Priscilla is right behind her.
"Aspen! Priscilla! Wait for us!" I tease loudly. A few people are looking at us and they're trying to get away.
By the time we stumble toward the door, we're getting way too many dirty looks from people and decide to make our way out. The four of us are laughing like crazy as we spill onto the street.
Next we have ice cream. Priscilla takes forever to choose and finally I slip my arms around her waist from behind I say, "What's taking you so long? We know you're going to get strawberry like you always do."
Her Spanish accent is heavy when she says, "And you're just going to get chocolate right?"
I smile even though it's the most
cheeseball
thing in the world to be happy about, but then I realize she won't care. Hell, she'll probably like it too, so I lean forward, my mouth right next to her ear. "Check us out. We're one of those couples who can order each other's ice cream and finish each other's sentence. We're the shit."
I'm rewarded for my killer sweetness by her turning enough to press her lips to mine.
"All right, enough of that, you two. There are children present." Sebastian tries to pull us apart.
"Quit messing with my game." I push him.
"Remember when I got with Aspen last year and you guys gave us so much shit?" He looks back and forth between the two of us. "Well, payback is a bitch."
We ignore him. I press a kiss to Pris' neck just to show him up.
We eat our ice cream and walk around some more. Really, it's just cool to be here. Cool to be here with them. A couple hours later as we're hailing a cab to go back to our room, I realize this is the only place I should be. Actually it doesn't even have to by New York. It can be anywhere. I just need the people who are here with me right now.
Everything is perfect and I'm starting to believe it might really stay that way.
Chapter Seventeen
We're at breakfast the next morning when my phone rings. Everything inside me turns to ice. I don't know why. It's just my cell phone. It might be anyone, a wrong number or whatever, but for some reason, I have the sudden urge to puke.
My hands fumble with the phone and I see "Mom" light up on the screen. I have to swallow the bile in my throat as I push out of the chair and put the phone to my ear.
"What's wrong?" I ask. The words make me feel like crap because there shouldn't be something wrong because she's calling me. She's my mom and she's supposed to want to talk to me.
Too bad that's not the way it is.
A sob pierces my ear through the receiver. If I thought I felt cold before, it's nothing compared to the way I feel right now.
"
Ja
—den," she cries. "Mike..."
"What is it, Mom? What happened?" I try to make out when she's telling me as I head through the lobby so I can get back to our room.
A hand touches my shoulder as and I don't have to turn around to know who it is. Maybe I should turn around though. Say or at least acknowledge her, but I don't. Mom is wailing at me.
With each second dread slams into me harder.
I'm a nail and it's a hammer beating my head over and over.
"Did he hurt you?" What will I do if he hurt her? It'll be my fault for leaving her.
For not taking the brunt of his verbal assaults.
She's crying so hard I hardly understand her.
Priscilla and I are in the elevator now. My feet refuse to stay still as I pace the small space back and forth.
Don't let him have hurt her. Don't let him have hurt her.
Did she pray that same thing when he went off on me?
The sick feeling in my gut multiplies. I shouldn't be thinking about myself. Not right now.
"He's gone!" Her words are finally clear enough for me to understand. "He left me. He left me, he left me," she keeps mumbling over and over.
I actually exhale a sigh of relief. He's a bastard. Maybe things will be different for us now. Maybe she'll care about me when he's not around.
Mom cries again and that's when guilt hits for my thoughts. She loves him.
Needs him, not me.
"Are you okay?" I ask.
"No!" she yells. "He left me, Jaden! He...you..."
Her words are a whip lashing me with more strength than any of his could have. I just keep hearing the "you." It's my fault, it's my fault,
it's
my fault.
Why is everything my fault?
"How am I supposed to do it without him? What am I supposed to do now? I'm lost without him! What did you do? What
did you do?
" Then, she starts to wail and cry again.
I flinch. My eyes feel wet. What did I do? I don't know. But I have to fix it.
"Mom... I'm sorry."
I waver between guilt and anger. What could I have done? I'm here and she's there.
Why does it always have to be me?
But what if it is somehow my fault? Something I did, or because I left her there with him. Why did I leave her with him? "I'll be right there, okay?" I move around the room and start throwing stuff in my suitcase. "I'll fix it, okay? I promise. You stay there and I'll find a way to fix it."
She's crying so hard she doesn't answer. I don't know if it's the right thing to do, but I hang up the phone.
Scouring the room, I keep throwing things in the suitcase. Priscilla's on her phone. I can't hear anything she's saying over my pulse in my ears and part of me wants to ask her what she's doing, but the other part knows it shouldn't matter.
Not when my mom needs me. I’m almost
afraid to speak—scared that if I do I'll cry and the thought of crying in front of her makes me sick.
Next I move to the bathroom, throwing my toothbrush, deodorant, and everything else in my bag. When I come out Priscilla is off the phone and doing the same thing—gathering all her things and stuffing them into her suitcase. She's usually so careful by folding all her stuff, but this time it looks just as messy as mine.
"What are you doing?" It drives me crazy when I ask stupid questions. It's obvious what she's doing.
"Packing."
"Why?"
She looks at me, her eyes crinkled around the edges. "We have to go home, right?
Your mom.
I mean, it sounded like..."
Immediately I freeze up. This is my problem. Priscilla shouldn't have to go home because of it. I don't want her to see what I'm going home to. Don't want her to realize that I'm not worth it.
"You should stay here." I shrug as though it's not a big deal. "I mean, you guys are having fun, or whatever. You don't have to leave for me. I'm sure everything is okay." It's not, though. Or maybe it's just me who's not okay.
"It sounded like a big deal to me." Fire lights her words.
"That still doesn't mean you should have to go. Stay, have fun. You're supposed to get the keys to your apartment today, right?" I grab my bag, wanting the words back, but not having the balls to say so.
"
Dios
.
Tell me you're not serious."
"Why wouldn't I be?"
Hurt flashes in her brown eyes. "You don't want me to go?"
I shake my head, imagining Priscilla coming home with me—hearing all the things they have to say. You're nothing. It's your fault. Are you going to mooch off your friends forever? "No. It's not that I don't want you to go, it's just... I don't need you to go." As soon as the words leave my mouth I know they're the worst thing I can say. The way she flinches is almost liked I slapped her.
"That's not what I mean! It's not that I don't need you, it's just...you shouldn't have to go. You shouldn't have to pay for a plane ticket and all that for no reason. I'll be back soon." The words are like acid because though I want them, I don't believe them. How can I come back if Mom needs me there? What kind of person would I be?
"It's not for no reason." Priscilla crosses her arms. "It's for you."
For me.
Is there anyone else who thinks about me the way she does? "I gotta go. It's not that big of a deal." Leaning forward I try to kiss her, but she pulls away.
Her eyes start to water, but I can see her fight it. See her jaw clench, making guilt bulldoze me. I'm already screwing up with her.
"Jaden, don't do this. Don't cut me out."
"I'm not!"
"Yes, you are! You don't think I could tell your mom was freaking out? You don't think I know this is hard for you? Why won't you let me be there for you? Do you not trust me? I can get Sebastian—"
"No! That's not what it is. I told you all that stuff."
"But when it matters, you still lock me out! Caring means being there for the good and the bad, Jaden.
For both of us.
You only want to let me in on the good."
"That's because you shouldn't have to deal with the bad! My shit shouldn't be your problem."
"When you love someone, their problems are always yours. It's not about giving someone graduation party because it looks good, but because you want to spend time with them. Or sending someone away, it's about being there."
I run a hand through my hair, not getting what she's saying. And I don't have time for this. Not now. Mom needs me. And I need Priscilla.
"Don't hold it in. Let me be there for you, Jaden." The pain in her voice pulverizes my already shredded insides.
And I want her there. Want her there so much it makes my gut ache. More than that, I want what she's saying. I'm not sure if that makes me strong or weak, but right now it doesn't matter. I just want someone to have my back.
Someone
who is always there and not only for the good like she said or when they need me.
Because even though I'm running off like this... I know Mom wouldn't do the same for me. And that kills me.
But Priscilla?
She would. She wants to.
"I can't keep doing this. I can't keep getting hurt by trying to be there when you don't want me. I do it with my parents and I can't do it with you, too."
She turns away from me and I know if I were to walk out the door right now, she'd let me. And she should. I don't want to hold it in. I don't want to do it alone. Maybe it makes me selfish or maybe it makes me the biggest fucking pussy in the world, but I want her there.
"Come with me," I blurt out. Funny, how I don't even try to be smooth with her. All I can be is real. "It's going to suck and I hate that you have to see it, or hear however I screwed up this time, but—"
Slowly, she turns and when she looks at me. Questions echo in my brain that I don't have answers to.
That I don't want to even think about right now.
Not how I will regret this or what she'll see or hear I just... "Come with me. Please."
***
Priscilla calls Sebastian and Aspen while we wait for a cab. They apparently tried to give us some space which really means, ‘we-know-Jaden-is-freaking-out-and-he'll-be-embarrassed-if-we're-there'. Makes me feel all warm and fuzzy, let me tell you. Even my friends know I can't handle anything.
Then we get on the plane with tickets Priscilla bought while I'd been freaking out. I make her promise to let me pay her back.
My eyes keep jumping to her.
My mind pulling up all kinds of scenarios for when we get home.
Wondering what she'll think of me when Mom explains how I somehow screwed things up for her. Wasn't I supposed to make things better? By leaving she was supposed to be completely happy and now everything has somehow gone to shit and it's still my fault.