What Abi Taught Us (15 page)
Read What Abi Taught Us Online
Authors: Lucy Hone
Be a patient listener and encourage the bereaved to talk about the loss (if they show signs of wanting to do so). Ask:
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Where did the death occur?
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Where were you when you were told about it?
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Who were you with?
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What was the funeral like?
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Who spoke at the service?
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Was your loved one buried or cremated?
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Where are they buried?
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Where are the ashes?
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Do you visit the grave or the site of the ashes?
Another way to help cement that the death has actually occurred is to offer to visit the grave with the bereaved. Be sensitiveâthey may prefer to go on their ownâbut tell them you'd always be happy to accompany them any time, and (because you don't want to keep pestering them about it) you'll leave it up to them to ask you if they ever think that would be helpful.
Other useful questions:
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What works for you?
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How do you react when . . . ?
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Have your feelings changed?
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What are your most difficult times?
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Do you feel like talking about it today?
2. Help the bereaved adjust (practically) to life without their loved one
Anyone who has lost a partner will be coming to terms not only with emotional turmoil but also with the loss of all the roles played by the deceased. Everything from cooking to putting out the rubbish/recycling, dealing with school teachers, paying the bills, buying a car, booking holidays, backing the trailer and doing the washing commonly get departmentalised in relationships, leaving us bereft when the partner who took care of these practical, and often everyday, tasks is no longer with us. Ask yourself:
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What are the practical challenges the survivor faces and how can you help to solve any of them?
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Who was the decision-maker in their relationship?
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What decisions (big or small) are worrying them most now, and with whom might they like to talk these things over?
3. Discourage the bereaved from making major life-changing decisions too soon
Grieving is hard enough: it's better done in a familiar environment, and decisions are best not undertaken while grieving. Worden cautions: âIn discouraging the bereaved from making major life-changing decisions too soon, be careful that you are not promoting a sense of helplessness. Rather, communicate
that they will be quite capable of making decisions and taking actions when they are ready and that they should not make decisions just to reduce the pain.'
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4. Help the bereaved reminisce
A massive challenge for the bereaved involves letting go of that old life while simultaneously getting on with embracing the new one. It is quite normal during this time for the bereaved to worry that they and others will forget their loved ones. I know I struggled to hear Abi's voice, even to picture her face at times. But, having lost my mother 13 years earlier, I also knew that these things do come back.
Supporters can play an important role here, reassuring the bereaved that their memories will not fade, that their loved one will never be forgotten. We are all a product of our experiences, and memories of these experiences don't die just because those involved are no longer alive. Some people find it hard (or even distasteful) to talk about the dead; some avoid bringing the subject up for fear of upsetting the bereaved by making them think of the loved one. I hope I'm correct in saying that no one who is bereaved will ever mind you talking about those they loved. As for not upsetting me by making me think about Abi, Ella and Sally, I'm thinking about them all the time anyway, so go ahead and join me.
In this sense, supporters can help the grieved by sharing their own memories of the dead. You can also:
⢠recall humorous moments, events, and expressions
⢠specifically list the qualities of the dead that you recognised and valued
⢠post a picture on Instagram or Facebook, accompanied by your version of #abiwouldhavelovedthis when something reminds you of the deceased, or you see/do something you know they would have loved. I came across this idea on the What's Your Grief website (
www.whatsyourgrief.com
) which has lots of useful resources, blogs and insights on grieving.
5. Understand the bereaved lack tolerance for life's small frustrations/details
When someone you love dies, the world stops. Nothing else matters. I remember staring at all the magazines on sale in the supermarket after my mother died, wondering why anyone would be interested in such trivia.
In the immediate aftermath of Abi's death, we were constantly amazed at how tolerant everyday life requires us to be. And how little tolerance we had now that such enormous issues faced us. Our friends assisted us hugely hereâpaving the way or taking over when we were confronted with a challenging situation that they instinctively knew would test our patience. For instance, I recall my work colleague Kate helping me out one day at the local pool. We both had pre-paid entry tickets which we'd topped up the week before but, for some odd reason, mine was indicating I had no swims left. âYou go and get changed, I'll deal with this,' she said, ushering me towards the changing room, knowing that I'd bolt with very little provocation rather than endure a protracted negotiation.
6. Give the bereaved time to grieve
It might be a cliché but grieving takes time, and the best support networks for the bereaved are those people who truly understand this.
Keep reminding the bereaved you haven't forgotten their pain and you don't expect them to be âover it'. My dear friend Toni continues to show her empathy to Trevor and me by randomly texting us emoji hearts. For the first year after Abi died, she sent one every day, just to let us know that she was thinking of us. After the first anniversary of Abi's death, she just kept going, not every day, but intermittently. Small acts like this can mean a great deal.
Also bear in mind that some specific time points are going to be worse than others. Check in around the three-month mark, when counsellors are often told by the bereaved that no one seems to care anymore and people are avoiding them. The first anniversary and all birthdays and holidays are also particularly difficult. These are times to offer additional support or just a friendly text or email to show you are aware and they are not forgotten.
7. Don't compare your own grief stories with those of the very recently bereaved
Although the bereaved often become very empathetic listeners, supporting other bereaved, this can take time. When a friend, colleague or family member has newly lost someone they love, the immediate aftermath is not an appropriate time to compare your own grief experiences. Best option is often, âI just don't know what to say to you', or âI can't imagine how tough it is.' The following poem says it so well.
Just Say You Are Sorry
Please don't ask me if I'm over it yet.
I'll never be over it.
Please don't tell me she's in a better place.
She isn't with me.
Please don't say at least she isn't suffering.
I haven't come to terms with why she had to suffer at all.
Please don't tell me you know how I feel,
Unless you have lost a child.
Please don't ask me if I feel better.
Bereavement isn't a condition that clears up.
Please don't tell me at least you had her for so many years.
What year would you choose for your child to die?
Please don't tell me God never gives us more than we can bear.
Please just say you are sorry.
Please just say you remember my child, if you do.
Please just let me talk about my child.
Please mention my child's name.
Please just let me cry.
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Rita Moran, âJust Say You Are Sorry', 1999.
8. Stand by through depression
Depression is a common (but usually temporary) symptom of grief, as people grow to accept the reality of their loss. People often seem to want to cajole the bereaved out of depression, to cheer them up, but what we really need is friends to stand quietly by us and understand that it's part of the process. Sit
with us and accept that we are profoundly sad and that we may need life to just slip quietly by us for a little while.
You might also like to suggest that you're happy to support the bereaved in doing regular exercise. Physical exercise is itself a mood booster; but people will often need encouragement and assistance in making this a regular part of their day. There is more on the importance of exercise in
Chapter 13
.
INAPPROPRIATE THINGS TO SAY TO THE BEREAVED
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At least she's in a better place now.
Better? Really? She liked it here, on earth, living with us and all her friends.
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Are you feeling better yet?
It's not a disease; it's not something I'm going to âget over' because it's not temporary.
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I know how you feelâmy dog/hamster died last year.
No comment.
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Everything happens for a reason.
âLet me be crystal clear: if you've faced a tragedy and someone tells you in any way, shape or form that your tragedy was meant to be, that it happened for a reason, that it will make you a better person, or that taking responsibility for it will fix it, you have every right to remove them from your life,' writes blogger Tim Lawrence.
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For the record, let me also be crystal clear: I also don't believe everything happens for a reason. I don't believe I am a
better
person because I've had to change my life as a result of losing Abi; I'm not trying to coerce you into becoming a better person via the strategies in this
book either. I merely believe that, faced with circumstances beyond my control, I've been forced to take a new life path, to relearn the world. Do I welcome it? No. Has finding new directions helped me get through the pain and emptiness of losing my daughter? Yes.
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You'll be united up in heaven.
If you're going to say this, please be sure the person believes this. I (sadly) don't, so this offers me no comfort at all. Instead, I really have to accept that Abi is gone forever and that I'm not going to see her again. Along the same lines, there's something profoundly inappropriate and irritating about teenagers' posts asking âAre you having fun up there in heaven Abi?' on Instagram or Facebook.
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It'll be okay.
I kind of know it will, but I don't want this to be okay.
Non-supportive behaviours:
⢠changing the subject
⢠talking too much about yourself
⢠asking âwhy' questions
⢠preaching or lecturing
⢠asking too many questions.
HOW TO TALK TO CHILDREN ABOUT DEATH (BY LISA BUKSBAUM)
Despite feeling apprehensive when talking to children about death, we need to support children through difficult times in order to facilitate healing.
⢠Let your children be your guide. If you don't know what they know or understand about the death, ask open-ended questions to see what they know and what questions they may have. Let your child's questions and responses guide you as to how much information to provide. Give children ample opportunity over time to ask questions.
⢠Let your children know you are there for them and ready to listen.
⢠Never try to âfix it' or justify the death.
⢠Be honest with your children. Give them clear and honest answers to their questions. Children want, need and deserve the truth and need to know they can trust you to tell them the truth. You may worry that you won't know what to say or have all the answers. It is okay to say, 'I don't know', or âI don't understand that either'.
⢠Listen to your children when they are not talking.
Know that your children are listening to you when you are talking.
Children will not always talk about their feelings directly, but you can learn a lot by paying attention to their play, what they are saying while playing, what they are drawing or writing. Children see, hear, feel and absorb what goes on around them. You may think your children are not listening, but they hear you when you are in conversation with others, or on the phone. Children have built-in radar.
⢠Acknowledge your children's feelings. Let children know that any feelings they may be having are okay and normal. Help your child label their feelings (such as âsad', âangry', âfrustrated' or âoverwhelmed').
⢠Assure your child. Be sure to clarify any misconceptions or misinformation. Remind your child that people care about them and will help keep them safe.
⢠Model for your children. Show children how you appropriately express your emotions and take care of yourself during the grief process. It is okay to let your child see how you feel, but do not use your child as your support system. Rely on other adults or professionals for your emotional support.
⢠Look for changes in your child's behaviour. Changes may be a sign that they are feeling upset or unsettled. Be aware of changes in eating, sleeping, playing or the ability to concentrate. If your child's usual behaviour continues to be disrupted, contact a professional for support.
⢠There is comfort in keeping to normal routines and schedules. Stick to normal routines as much as possible. Continue with regular schedules of sleeping, eating, school, extracurricular activities and play time with friends. These routines give your child a sense of security.
⢠Not all children will understand death the same way.
Young children
âdo not understand that death is permanent. They may ask the same questions again and again. This repetition helps them process and understand what has happened. Keep explanations short and simple and reassure them that they are cared for and safe. Young children will absorb and mimic your stress and feelings.
School-age children
âare better able to understand what has happened and that death is permanent. They may have unrealistic
reactions to death, may blame themselves for what has happened or worry that others will die. Provide honest facts and information about the death. Help them express themselves through art or writing and help them label their feelings such as âsad', âstress', âoverwhelmed'.
Adolescentsâ
may have the same understanding of death as adults have though perhaps not the experience with death and grief. Give adolescents time and space to work out their feelings. Allow them their privacy, but don't let them withdraw too much. Involve them in decisions and conversations about the death. Let them know you are available if they need to talk. Help them figure out what they can do that is meaningful to them. They may want to channel them into a community project or some act of charity so they feel like they are taking a positive action.
It is helpful to invite children of all ages to write or draw their positive feelings and memories about the person who has died. Open-ended questions such as, âWhat are some of your favourite memories with this person?' or âWhat is the thing you are most grateful to have shared with this person?' are ways in which children can express themselves and build memories about the person who died.
Lisa Buksbaum is the CEO & founder of Soaringwords, a non-profit charity devoted to helping millions of ill children and their families to heal. She started the organisation after three experiences with death and illness in her family. To date it has helped 250,000 children and families to âNever give up!' Visit
www.soaringwords.org