Caroline nodded. “Like a leaf. I submerged myself in their hot tub, and when I came up for air, I couldn’t remember how I’d even gotten there.”
“I hate to tell you this, but you had a mini-breakdown. The good news? That explains a lot, and it means that you’ll recover just fine. And believe me, I know a thing or two about breakdowns. I had a major one myself. Maybe someday I’ll share the gory details with you, but now’s not the time. Needless to say, the fact you went from a severe panic attack to feeling sorry for yourself in a matter of hours is great news! I couldn’t be happier.”
“Hey! I’m not feeling sorry for myself, I’m just…sad and angry I let it go so far.”
Piper shook her head. “Nope, you’re not. You’re wallowing. Pete didn’t actually do much to you other than fulfill a fantasy.” She poked Caroline in the shoulder. “
Your
fantasy. Pete was the proverbial camel that broke the orgasm’s back, but you had a panic attack because you’d never allowed yourself to think about the possibility of that daydream coming true, which was your first big mistake. You made a
date
with the Slaters, but blocked out the reality of your wildest fantasy coming true. Had you allowed yourself to go there, and prepare yourself, I think you would’ve bypassed the breakdown and gone straight to feeling sorry for yourself. Have you ever had a panic attack before? They can be super wicked.”
Caroline thought about it for a moment. “Yes, but it was years ago, and it wasn’t as intense as last night. I was rejected by the very first college I applied to. When I opened the letter, I thought the world was caving in on me and I’d be stuck living at home for the rest of my life. I remember collapsing in my mother’s favorite chaise and not being able to get up for hours. I was dizzy and my head was throbbing, but it was tame compared to this.”
Piper snorted. “Rich-girl problems.”
Caroline slapped her friend on the arm. “Not fair! You have no idea how much I wanted out of that house! The rejection was from Harvard, my father’s alma mater. My mother was in as much of a swoon as I was.”
“So you’re telling me it runs in the family, then?”
Caroline couldn’t help but laugh. “You’re not helping!”
“Oh, I’m
so
helping. I’m here to shine a light on everything, so you can see what
really
happened, rather than what your brain is accusing you of doing, and—
AND
—to find the root of the real issue.”
“And the real issue is what, exactly?”
“In my blessed opinion, you had a breakdown because you liked what happened, and that fucked with your brain. Also, it messed with what you consider normal. In your perfect world, women like you don’t have so-called perversions. Admitting you like something different is the hardest part of all this. I grapple with it all the time, which is why I see Marianne on a regular basis. I, Piper Collins”—she clamped a hand over her heart—“see a therapist about my crushing need to see my husband fuck other women. It turns me on so much I can’t stand it. But I’m getting off track.” She waved a hand in the air. “This is about you. You’re angry at yourself more than you’re guilty. And you’re scared—shit-scared—of doing it again, because secretly you want to, and when you do, you might want to go further next time. Pete sucking your tits would be divine. You can’t wait for his big, fat tongue to lick—”
“Piper! Stop!”
“Don’t
Piper stop
me,” she clucked. “This is the nitty-gritty whether you like it or not. And can I just say, for the record, that you don’t have a sexually deviant bone in your entire body. You like what you like. Nothing wrong with that, but it scares the crap out of you. That’s ultimately why you can’t face your husband. What Pete did to you was minimal, but you liked it
too
much. How do you face Jace and tell him that? How do you prevent crushing guilt and a possible breakdown after another event? That’s the issue here. But only you can settle that with yourself. If you can do that, you can keep going. Or next time, your panic attack will last longer, and no one wants that.”
“And how do I settle things with myself? You make it sound so easy, when inside I feel like vomiting again just thinking about it.” Caroline edged onto her side so they could face each other, molding the pillow under her neck for support. “I don’t think I’m cut out for this kind of life.”
“Never say never. You might not be, but what you need is time. Time with your husband and time to sort out your feelings. This concerns Jace as much as it does you. But the best part is, you don’t have to do anything ever again if that’s your choice.” Piper readjusted herself. To a casual observer, they appeared like they were having a sleepover and engaging in girl talk. Too bad the topic wasn’t more fun. “So riddle me this. Was the orgasm really big? Like, bigger than you normally have?”
“Yes.” Caroline paused. “
They
were great. So what? It was still wrong.”
“They? Go, you.” Piper chuckled. “Wrong for
whom
? You? American society? The entire world? Who are we aiming the wrongdoing at?”
“Wrong for…Jace?” Caroline said, hesitating for a moment.
“Bingo. You love your husband more than anything, but I’m sorry to tell you, you’re projecting your feelings onto him. He doesn’t feel what you do. If Emma were to have stroked his cock, and he ejaculated, you would’ve been hurt, right?”
“I can’t even let my mind go there.” Caroline grimaced.
“Exactly. But that’s not what he felt when Pete touched you. You need to go home and talk to him, and really listen to how he felt about last night. If he’s fine with it, and has no jealousy whatsoever, then you need to reexamine your own feelings and see if you can separate those two things. They are completely different.”
“
Argh
, why does this have to be so complicated?” Caroline’s tone was weary.
Piper shrugged. “Because love is complicated. Feelings are complicated. But, honestly, you didn’t murder anyone. You didn’t kill anyone’s dog. In fact, in the scenario you described, everyone got off, so there were four happy, satisfied people last night in the Pleasure Paradise.”
“I wasn’t happy.”
“Three extremely happy people,” Piper amended, “and one woman who was happy for a good twelve seconds, and then plagued by a panic attack and misplaced Southern guilt.”
Caroline started to laugh. She couldn’t help it. “You know, I was dreading you coming here. I really didn’t want to face facts. It’s so much easier to keep my head in the sand, and I knew you’d tell me I was acting like a guilty Southern girl, but I have to admit, you’ve really helped me in the short time we’ve been talking.”
“Glad to know eight years of therapy have paid off. Marianne will be thrilled. She accuses me of never listening to her stellar advice, but now I can tell her it seeps in through the seams anyway. You’re not broken, Caroline. No matter what kooky shit turns you on. And your marriage is not in jeopardy. Your husband is at home crying in his cereal that you were unhappy for even half a second. If you never again want to see Emma and Pete—or anyone else—you don’t have to. It’s that easy. But the real issue is you
want
to, so you’re going to have to figure it out. Come to terms with it somehow. When you’re
really
free of guilt, you’ll know. And as your newly appointed sexual adviser, I’m not letting you do anything without running it by me first. That is, until you pass my super-hard sex-ready test.”
“And what does your sex-ready test consist of?”
“You have to get totally naked and stand in front of me with your arms spread wide, while repeating, ‘I like kinky sex, and I don’t care what the world thinks,’ over and over again until I tell you to stop or your arms fall off, whichever comes first.”
Caroline snorted. “Well, then, I’ll never be sex ready.”
“Never say never.”
22
__________________________
____________
W
hen Caroline’s car pulled into the garage around noon, Jace was out the back door before she could get the key out of the ignition. He was still in his pajama pants, hair uncombed, and stubble covering his face. But it didn’t matter. She’d finally texted him about an hour or so ago and told him she was ready to talk and was on her way home.
He’d been filled with so much relief, he’d had to sit down on the couch to catch his breath.
He opened the driver’s door, and she went willingly into his arms, which was the best scenario he could’ve hoped for. “I’m so sorry,” he murmured into her hair, stroking her back. “It’s never going to happen again. I’m perfectly happy to just do our thing. I love you, Care. None of this is worth risking you or our life together.”
She eased back, her hands braced on his forearms. “I love you, too. And it’s okay. I’m the one who has to apologize. I’m so sorry for everything, especially leaving without telling you. That was so wrong of me.”
“It was fine.”
“No, it wasn’t,” she insisted. “But the only excuse I have to give you is that I was having what Piper deemed a mini-breakdown. I just…I just couldn’t breathe in our house. I needed to think and I couldn’t do it here.” She shook her head. “I wasn’t thinking straight.” Caroline reached up and placed her hands on either side of his face and caressed it. “I wasn’t mentally prepared for what we did—and I have no idea if I ever will be. I’m not sure.”
“That’s totally fine.” He tucked her into his side as he guided her to their home, relief filling him for the first time since they’d left the Slaters’. “I don’t care about any of it, and no matter what you say, I’m taking full responsibly for forcing the issue. I thought I was ultimately doing it for you, but in the end, it really was for me. I thought it was hot, and I’m so sorry.”
They went through the back door. “No, you can’t take all the blame. You went along with it because
I
wanted to try it. You left it up to me, remember? You’ve always had the right intentions at heart.” They stopped next to the island. He kept a hand on her arm, needing to touch her. “Piper was amazing,” she continued. “The best counselor I could’ve asked for. She helped me realize that I gave out serious mixed messages to you and the Slaters. I thought I was ready, but in reality I wasn’t. I didn’t let myself face the thought of stepping over the line. I had no emotional safety net, and because of that things fell apart quickly.” Jace took her by the hand and led her to the table. She pulled a chair out and sat. Jace took the one next to her, wanting her to get out as much as she could, before he insisted this was on him. “I really want to forgive myself for letting it go so far, but it’s going to take time.”
“Care”—he took her hand in his and turned it over, caressing her palm—“I hear what you’re saying, but honestly, there’s nothing to forgive. You didn’t cheat on me. It was all consensual. I’m the one who pushed the issue. I should’ve never let it go so far. I should be groveling at your feet begging you to forgiving
me
—not the other way around.”
She shook her head. “No. I could’ve easily taken your hand and led you into the bathroom, or up the stairs and out of that house. I didn’t want to. That’s the root of my guilt. I liked it.” She glanced down at the table, fidgeting with her hands. “And that’s the hardest thing to admit.” She brought her head up, and Jace watched a single tear streak down her cheek.
It broke Jace’s heart into a million pieces.
He reached forward and pulled her out of her seat and onto his lap, cinching his arms tightly around her waist. “Oh, babe.” She wrapped her arms around his neck and buried her face in it. “I’m so sorry you feel this way,” he said.
“Do you think less of me because I like it?” Her voice was muffled.
“Of course not!”
“It makes me sick to my stomach when I think of what we could’ve done differently. I can’t help thinking that, from now on, every time you look at me, you’re going to see a woman who craves another man.”
“Not even close.” He nudged her until she finally raised her head to meet his gaze. “I see a beautiful wife who loves life and is not afraid to go out and find it. The reason I’m fine with Pete touching you is because I love you. I know that sounds extreme, but it’s true. I’ve always been confident in our relationship. Exceedingly so. I know you’re not going to leave me for Pete. If he gives you that little something extra that blows your mind when you come, it’s not an issue for me. I adore seeing you so ready to explode. That’s what gets me going, and I happen to like being that turned on. And I love seeing
you
excited. It may be selfish of me, but that’s what makes me tick. It’s my thing.”
“I can’t help but feel guilty,” Caroline said miserably. “Marriage is between two people, not three.”
“Care, we watch threesome porn all the time. That’s always been your favorite. Why do you think they make it in the first place? It’s because there’s so many damn people, just like you, who get off on seeing three people have a really good time.”
“It would be so much easier if I didn’t want it,” Caroline said, as he brushed her tear away with his thumb.
Jace shrugged. “Maybe. But then what fun would that be?”
“Jace!”
He laughed. “I’m sorry, but I like our adventurous life. I don’t want boring and ordinary. Being with Emma and Pete felt dangerous and exciting. It was wild and uninhabited. But I totally get that we both have to be emotionally ready, and on the same page, if we ever choose to do it again. It will be totally up to you.”