What Could Possibly Go Wrong. . .

Jeremy Clarkson

For pity’s sake, Fritz, please stop fiddling

MINI Countryman Cooper S ALL4

No nasty surprises in this gooey confection

Audi A7 Sportback 3.0 TDI quattro SE

Oh yes, take me now, Lady Marmalade

Citroën DS3 Racing

It’s hardly British but learn to haggle

Mitsubishi Outlander 2.2 DI-D GX4, 7 seats

Try this moose suit for size, Mr Top Gun

Saab 9-3 SportWagon Aero TtiD 180PS

Titter ye not, it’s built for the clown about town

Nissan Juke 1.6 DIG-T Tekna

Those yurt dwellers have got it right

Land Rover Freelander 2 eD4 HSE 2WD

Little Luigi’s turbo boost

Fiat 500 0.9 TwinAir Lounge

I don’t fancy Helga von Gargoyle … Can’t think why

Porsche Panamera 3.6 V6 PDK

Damn it, Spock, we can’t shake off Arthur Daley

Jaguar XJ 5.0 Supercharged Supersport LWB 4dr

Bruce’s bonzer duck-billed koala

Ford Falcon FPV Boss 335 GT

Botox and a bikini wax and I’m ready to roll

Jensen Interceptor S

Oh, barman, my pint of pitbull has gone all warm and fluffy

Ford Focus Titanium 1.6 Ecoboost

Pointless but fun – what a good wheeze

Renault Wind Roadster GT Line 1.6 VVT

Prepare your moobs for a workout

Aston Martin Virage

The old duffer trots out in boy-racer colours

Skoda Faiba vRS1.4 TSI DSG

What’s the Swedish-Chinese for I can’t see?

Volvo V60 T5 R-Design

I love you now I’m all grown up, Helga

Porsche 911 GTS

Oh, miss, you turn me into a raging despot

Mercedes CLS 63 AMG

From 0 to 40 winks in the blink of an eye

BMW 640i SE convertible

Oh, Shrek, squeeze me till it hurts

Nissan GT-R

A world first – the Ferrari 4 × what for?

Ferrari FF

Work harder, boy, or it will be you in here

VW Jetta 2.0 TDI Sport

Too tame for the special flair service

Audi RS 3

An asthmatic accountant in lumberjack clothing

Mazda CX-7

Someone please check I haven’t left my spleen back there

BAC Mono

I thought it looked humdrum. But wow!

Honda Accord Type S

You vill never handle zis torture

Mercedes-Benz G 350 Bluetec

Strip out all the tricks and it’s still a wizard

Audi A6 SE 3.0 TDI

Open up them pearly gates …

Lamborghini Gallardo LP570-4 Spyder Performante

Oh, grunting frump, you looked so fine on the catwalk

Jaguar XF 2.2 Diesel Premium Luxury

Now we’re flying

Mercedes-Benz SLS Roadster

The topless tease luring men to ridicule

VW Golf Cabriolet GT

I’m sold, Mrs Beckham – I want your baby

Range Rover Evoque Prestige SD4 auto

I say, chaps, who needs a fourth wheel?

Morgan Three Wheeler

Beach beauties love my bucking bronto

Lamborghini Aventador LP 700-4

Hop in, Charles, it’s a Luddite’s dream

Mercedes C 63 AMG coupé Black Series

It’s no cruiser but it can doggy-paddle

Jeep Grand Cherokee 3.0 CRD V6 Overland

Uh-oh, some fool’s hit the panic button

Chevrolet Orlando 1.8 LTZ

Simply no use for taking the kids to see Granny

Audi R8 GT

Amazing where bottle tops and string will get you

Hyundai i40 1.7 CRDi 136PS Style

Bong! I won’t let you go until you love me


A heart transplant sexes up Wayne’s pet moose

Bentley Continental GT V8

The arms race is over and Vera Lynn has won

Aston Martin DBS Carbon Edition

Good doggy – let’s give the bark plugs a workout

Suzuki Swift Sport 1.6

Look what oi got, Farmer Giles: diamanté wellies

Jeep Wrangler 2.8 CRD Sahara Auto 4-door

Powered by beetroot, the hand-me-down that keeps Russia rolling

Lada Riva

The yummiest of ingredients but the soufflé’s gone flat

Porsche 911 Carrera

I ran into an EU busybody and didn’t feel a thing

BMW 640d (with M Sport package)

Blimey, you’ve got this mouse to roar, Fritz

Volkswagen High Up!

Styled for mercenaries. Driven by mummy

Ford Kuga 2.0 TDCi Titanium X PowerShift

Simply the best, but so bashful buying one is

BMW 328i Modern

Click away, paparazzi, I’ve got nice clean Y-fronts

Audi A8 3.0 TFSI

Get a grip – it’s only a Roller

Rolls-Royce Phantom II

I know about your frilly knickers, Butch

Mercedes SLK 55 AMG

Fritz calls it a soft-roader. I call him soft in the head

Audi Q3 2.0 TDI quattro SE S tronic

Cheer up – Napoleon got shorty shrift too

Mini Cooper S roadster

That funny noise is just Einstein hiding under the bonnet

Ford Focus 1.0 EcoBoost 125PS Titanium

Gosh, never thought I’d dump Kate Moss so fast

Citroën DS5 DSport HDi 160 automatic

Squeeze in, Queenie, there’s space next to Tom Cruise

Kia Cee-d ‘2’ 1.6 GDI

The wife’s away, so come check out my electric extremity

Mercedes-Benz ML 350 BlueTec 4Matic Sport

If I go back to Africa, will you take it away again?

Porsche 911 Carrera S cabriolet

Oh, Miss Ennis, let’s sprint to seventh heaven

Ferrari 458 Spider

Yikes! The plumber’s van has put a leak in my wallet

Citroën Berlingo

Gary the ram raider cracks Fermat’s last theorem

Vauxhall Astra VXR 2.0i Turbo

Kiss goodbye to your no-claims – Mr Fender-bender has a new toy

Peugeot 208 1.2 VTi Allure

The nip and tuck doesn’t fool anyone, Grandma

Jaguar XKR-S

Wuthering werewolves, a beast made for the moors

Lexus LFA

It’s certainly cheap … but I can’t find cheerful

Skoda Octavia vRS

Ooh, it feels good to wear my superhero outfit again

Toyota GT86

OK, Sister Maria, try tailgating me now

Audi S6 4.0 TFSI quattro

It’s Sunday, the sun is out – let’s go commando

Ferrari California 30

Yo, bruv, check out da Poundland Bentley

Chrysler 300C Executive

Out with the flower power, in with the toothbrush moustache

VW Beetle 1.4 TSI Sport

You can keep your schnapps, Heidi – I’ll have cider with Rosie

Mercedes A 250 AMG

A real stinker from Silvio, the lav attendant

Chrysler Ypsilon

Ask nicely and it’ll probably cook you dinner underwater

BMW M135i

The pretty panzer parks on Jurgen’s golf links

Volvo V40 D4 SE Nav

I ordered a full English but ended up with bubble and squeak

Aston Martin Vanquish

The cocaine chintz has been kept in check

Range Rover Vogue SDV8 4.4L V8 Vogue

Thanks, guys, from the heart of my bottom

Audi RS 4 Avant 4.2 FSI quattro

Just like Anne Boleyn, there’s no magic with the head off

Volkswagen Golf GTI cabriolet 2.0 TSi

Come on, caravanners, see if it will tackle the quicksand

Hyundai Santa-Fe Premium 7-seat

No one can reinvent the wheel quite like you, Fritz

VW Golf 1.4 TSI ACT GT

Great at a shooting party – for gangsters

Mercedes CLS63 AMG Shooting Brake

Yippee! It’s OK to be a Bentley boy again

Bentley Continental GT Speed

Thrusters on, Iron Man, this’ll cut through the congestion

Audi R8 5.2 FSI quattro S tronic

They’ll be flying off the shelves at Poundland

Porsche 911 Carrera 4S

So awful I wouldn’t even give it to my son

Alfa Romeo MiTo 875cc TwinAir Distinctive

Off to save the planet with my African queen

BMW528i Touring SE (1999, T-reg)

Oh, I hate the noise you make in ‘wounded cow’ mode

Toyota Corolla GX (aka the Auris but GX model not sold in UK)

That puts paid to my theory on the ascent of manual

Aston Martin Vantage V12 roadster

Oh, how you’ll giggle while strangling that polar bear

Ford Fiesta ST 1.6T EcoBoost

Another bad dream in a caravan of horrors

Honda CR-V 2.2 I-D TEC EX

Ooh, you make me go weak at the knees … and the hips and the spine

Jaguar F-Type S

Mirror, signal, skedaddle – Mr Bump’s been turbocharged

Peugeot 208 GTi

Not now, Cato – keep turning the egg whisk while I push

MG6 Magnette 1.9 DTi-Tech

No grid girls, no red trousers – it’s formula school run

Mazda CX-5 2WD SE-L

Where does Farmer Giles eat his pork pie?

Range Rover Sport SDV6 Autobiography

They only make one car. But it’s a nice colour

Porsche Cayman S with PDK

Say the magic word and the howling banshee turns sultry sorceress

McLaren 12C Spider

Take the doors off and put them back on? That’ll be £24,000, sir

BMW M6 Gran Coupé

Thunderbird and Mustang have gone, so what’ll we call it, chaps?

Vauxhall Adam

Ha! They’ll never catch me now I’m the invisible man

VW Golf GTI 2.0 TSI Performance Pack

Coo! A baby thunderclap from Merc’s OMG division

Mercedes-Benz A45 AMG

From the nation that brought you Le Mans … A tent with wheels

Citroën DS3 cabrio DSport

The fun begins once you’ve arm-wrestled Mary Poppins for control

Audi RS 5 cabriolet quattro 4.2 FSI

Gliding gently into the parking slot reserved for losers

Peugeot 2008

Where the hell did they hide the ‘keeping up with Italians’ button?

Jaguar F-type

Go and play with your flow chart, Comrade Killjoy, while I floor it

Audi RS 6 Avant

Who lent Scrooge the ninja costume?

Lexus IS 300h F Sport

Crikey, the Terminator has joined the
On team

Mercedes-Benz SLS AMG Black Series

Grab her lead and forget all about the mess on the floor

Alfa Romeo 4C

Goodbye, Dino. It’s the age of the mosquito

McLaren P1

Watch out, pedestrians, I’m packing lasers

Mercedes-Benz S 500 L AMG Line

I can see the mankini peeking out over your waistband

BMW 435i M Sport coupé

The crisp-baked crust hides a splodge of soggy dough

Kia Pro_Cee’d GT Tech

A menace to cyclists, cars, even low-flying aircraft

Audi SQ5 3.0 BiTDI quattro

I’m sorry, Comrade. No Iron Curtain, no deal

Dacia Sandero Access 1.2

You’re off by a country mile with this soggy pudding, Subaru

Subaru Forester 2.0 Lineartronic XT

You can’t play bumper cars, but the bouncy castle’s brilliant

Volvo V40 T5 R-Design Lux

Drives on water and raises Lazarus in 4.1 seconds

Aston Martin Vanquish Volante

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