What Goes Around... (30 page)

‘I can’t do this Lucy,’ she’s crying.  ‘I can’t do this.’

‘You can,’ I tell her and then I shut up, because I need to listen and not talk. I love Jess and everything and she’s been so good to me, but that night when she had her accident, when I told her I wasn’t strong enough, that I was falling apart… I was.

I really was.

If I ever say those words to Jess again, I want her to act differently next time.

I want her to listen.

I want her to know that when someone says they can’t do this, maybe for a little while – they can’t!

‘You’re coming home with me.’

It’s one of the good things about not having him there – I don’t have to ring and check if it’s okay and we won’t have to worry how long she stays, or if she’s getting in the way. The choice is entirely mine and I make it.

‘I’ll go and pack for you.’

‘No,’ she says. ‘He might ring.’ She’s a mess. ‘He might come back…’

‘He might,’ I say. ‘But you won’t be sitting at home waiting for him.’

Charlotte is wonderful.

Wh
en I pick her up from school I’m worried how she’s going to take it, if it’s another crisis she really doesn’t need –she loves Luke and Jess so much but she is, in fact, wonderful. She goes and sits on Jess’s knee and gives her a cuddle and then she shares a sort of yikes look with me and we have a little smile.

‘Jess will
be okay.’ I tell her, when I say goodnight to Charlotte.

‘When?’

‘I don’t know,’ I admit. ‘Are you okay?’

‘I’m never getting married.’

I give her a smile.

‘I mean it.’

‘Good,’ I say.

I pick up the hall phone a bit later and Luke’s on the other end asking about Jess, and is she okay, and I know you shouldn’t take sides, I know (and yes, I know you know) how I feel about Luke, but this has nothing do with it.

‘How do you think she is?’ I say and I hang up.

‘Why did you stay, Lucy?’

I’ve just told the grief counsellor about all the affairs.

I’ve just gone through my marriage, through our life.

I’ve told Denise the lot.

I even told her about my foursome fantasy and how ashamed of that I am, how I didn’t even like it, so why was I thinking it?

‘Who knows?’ She smiles. She doesn’t seem shocked. She’s not even shocked when I tell her about Luke. Nor when I tell her the things Jess said.

She was, I think, a bit shocked, but trying to hide it when I told her some of my childhood stuff but we’re not talking about that now.

Today we’re talking about his
affairs, today she’s asking me why I stayed.

‘Charlotte,
’ I say. ‘Though I liked the lifestyle too,’ I admit. ‘I liked the things I could give her and I didn’t want to be like my mum.’

‘Did you ever have an affair?’

I shake my head.

‘Never?’ Denise checks. ‘Even though you knew that he was sleeping around?’

‘No,’ I tell her. ‘Honestly, I never even thought about having an affair…’ and then I look at her and my face is burning and I
am
trying to tell the truth. ‘Actually, right near the end of it, I did start thinking I might have one…’

‘With?’

‘No-one,’ I say. ‘I wasn’t thinking of anyone in particular.’ I just sit there and think for a moment. ‘I just wanted there to be
more
.’

‘More what?’
Denise asks.

I don’t know the answer
but instead of avoiding, I’m trying to find it.

‘
I was just…’ I close my eyes as I look at that time; I was like a bucket with holes that could no longer be filled with the meaningless. I take a deep breath and I tell Denise the truth. ‘I was just getting more and more fed up with my life.’

With my perfect life.

With the life I so badly wanted for Charlotte.

But it was starting to not be enough for me.

There’ll be no amicable divorce with Jess.

She’s amazing!

There’s four weeks of mourning, where she works mainly from home (mine) because she can’t face the office. It works out great because she’s there for Charlotte in the holidays. Then, after about a month of watching movies with me on the sofa at night and breakfast in bed by day, she suddenly turns the corner.

The very day I’m about to suggest that she sees her GP and maybe go on the happy tabs, I come home from work and she’s dressed in a tight black skirt and black top and she’s off to see a lawyer she tells me.

Her Welsh accent is getting stronger by the minute because she’s on the phone all the time to her sisters in Wales. I’ve got a fiery Catherine Zeta Jones sitting at my breakfast bench and she’s going to take him for all he’s got and boyo, yes, she’s going out on Friday.

‘Fuck him,’ she says, but it sounds sexier with a Welsh accent. ‘We’ll go out. Come on Lucy,’ she says when I wrinkle my nose. ‘You need to get back out there.’

But I like it in here.

I am boring – I’m finding out that I really am. I love being home and I love having someone to sit and watch movies with and I’d love to have someone to walk round furniture shops with, but I don’t want to do the first bit – do you know what I mean?

‘Well, he’s out shagging.’ Jess says, because she has it on good authority that Luke is. ‘He’s out celebrating his freedom…’

She really is amazing.

I can see that she’s ready to move on and I’m jealous of her resilience.

I am.

How she can put her heart back out there?

How she can just move on?

I used to be like that.

One relationship ended and I was straight into the next, I had a new one lined up before I left sometimes.

Then I met him and I thought I’d hit the jackpot.

God, I even manage a smile at myself, at how, after he died, I thought I’d just go out and get another one.

I know that I need to be on my own.

For the first time I want to be on my own.

Or rather, just Charlotte and me.

I get Charlotte’s uniform ready for tomorrow.

We’ve had to get new shoes and a new winter skirt because she’s grown so much over summer.

The school fees will start thudding in soon and I shouldn’t be panicked because I can pay them.

For now.

It really is a tiny mortgage that Luke got me.

I don’t think it will even see out the year.

Gloria

‘You’re all done, Charlotte!’ Noel holds a mirror up to her teeth. He’s given them a lovely polish and she has a look and she gives him a shy smile and then thanks him.

She’s such a polite little thing.

Noel gives Daisy a kiss and a cuddle and then hands her back to me.

He adores Daisy.

Their marriage is all the stronger for her.

Who’d have thought!

Charlotte’s very quiet as I drive her back to her mum
’s.

Maybe she feels like me.

I’m going to miss seeing her.

‘We should Skype,
’ I say, because I’m getting quite good at it now. ‘And we’ll have to arrange a day for you to come and play with Daisy.’

She nods.

‘How’s Mum?’

‘She’s okay,
’ Charlotte says. ‘She misses Jess, I think.’

That’s right, Jess went back to Wales. I must ring Luke, I must, but I just don’t know what to say.

I always thought he and Jess were so happy.

I guess you never know.

‘How’s school?’ I ask and Charlotte shrugs. ‘It’s half term in a couple of weeks,’ I say. ‘It will be Christmas before you know it.’

She doesn’t really say anything, and I give in trying.

It’s starting to rain, so I put on my headlights and turn the radio on and I wonder if I should mention that she seems a bit low to Lucy.

I wonder if it’s my place.

Or maybe there’s a problem with Lucy.

God.

Maybe she’s hitting the ice cream again!

She doesn’t look as if she is.

She’s back to slim and lovely when she answers the door.

‘Wow!’ She gives a bright smile to Charlotte. ‘They look wonderful!’ Not that Charlotte shows her her teeth, she just brushes past her and Lucy calls her back. ‘Say thank you to Gloria.’

‘Thank you.’ Charlotte calls and Lucy gives a sort of embarrassed shrug to me.

‘Sorry,’ Lucy says. ‘She’s a bit….’

Lucy doesn’t elaborate.

I want her to.

I want to know what’s going on.

I want Lucy to confide in me.

Of course though, she won’t.

Just as I would never confide in her.

We’re not friends you see.

Except, sometimes I’d like to know how she does it. I can smell dinner and she’s got mascara on and lipstick and she’s lost all her weight. I look at Lucy and she is amazing, just a few months ago she was at the lowest of lows and now look at her!

She just keeps on bouncing back.

I’m jealous of
her
eating disorder.

I know that sounds horrible, but I am. I’m just fat, I just eat, I’m just lazy and I eat. Lucy controls it and when she can’t… well it’s just all so spectacular, all flashing lights and drama. I just smother too many pieces of toast with peanut butter and I would love to talk to her about it.

‘Thank you so much for all of this,’ Lucy says. ‘It’s so good that she’s got her teeth sorted.’

Then I remember
why I’m the one who’s been taking Charlotte.

I remember her snogging my son in l
aw on this very spot and no…

…we can never be friends.

Lucy

I actually like shopping.

Not for myself, I still hate that.

I am so glad that I went back to shopping online. I could think of nothing worse than picking Charlotte up from school on these dark autumn nights and making a mad dash to the supermarket.

Charlotte.

I pause mid aisle and I don’t know what to do.

I want her to see Denise, the grief counsellor, but she refuses to go.

I tried to talk to her again last night and she told me to fuck off.

Charlotte.

I probably should have told her off, but I was more shocked than cross.

I mean, that’s not my Charlotte.

I’m going to the counsellor tonight for myself and I’ll speak to her then.

For now, I have to get back to my list.

I actually enjoy my job. Okay, I don’t want to do it forever, but I’m enjoying it now. I like shopping
when it’s for other people. There is no real pressure, you don't have to think what's for dinner and have I got eggs, or, but we had chicken last night and the night before… there’s none of that going through my head.

I just have to choose the best.

And I do.

There are regular customers that ask for me - or rather
, they ring customer service and ask if the lady they had this week can do them from now on, but unfortunately, it doesn’t work like that.

I like the peek into other people's lives
too.

I play a little game with myself with each list, I try to work the person out and then I check to see if I’m right at the end.

I never really got into the VAT on sanitary products debate, but I’m starting to now – this one I can’t work out, it must be for a school nurse, or someone who had female sextuplets 13 years ago and they all menstruate at the same time, but don’t like the same things.

There are tampons and pads with wings, thick ones, thin ones and pads without wings and night time pads (four packets). I wonder if I should add some iron vitamins as the free bonus. There’s
half a trolley of chocolate, hot chocolate and chocolate biscuits – I choose her bonus present, because she’s spent (well) over a hundred pounds, as carefully as I would if I was choosing for myself.

School n
urse, I’ve decided and I check to see if I’m right. But my shoulders sag when I see it’s Geraldine Field’s order (Brown Owl) and I realise she must be taking them camping.

Why didn’t I think of that?

But aren’t Brownies a bit young to be menstruating? Though I suppose Brown Owl, of all people, has to Be Prepared.