Authors: Jennifer Castle
They wanted me to try and understand her. For them, maybe I would.
As we wandered through the floor, at least a dozen other people recognized us from the “Ferris Wheel” shoot, asking for a photo. Camden and I would lean in close to each other while Eliza crouched in front and Max stood behind. Smiling blindly, as if friendship and fun and fandom were all bound up
in one simple story we had to tell.
At Merlin’s Sci-Fi and Fantasy Bookstore booth, Camden tugged me toward the bins of vintage books. “Are there any you’re missing?” he asked.
“A few.”
“Let’s see if we can find them.”
We sifted through two boxes labeled “Sci-Fi TV” and there, under the layers of tattered paperbacks, was a book called
When the Stars Spun
that I’d been looking for online for at least two years. It was a gap in my bookshelf that always bothered me, the numbers on the spines jumping from eleven to thirteen. This was number twelve. I fanned through the pages to make sure the book was in good shape.
“You know what that is, don’t you?” asked Camden.
“The universe wanting me to have something?”
“Bingo.”
Then Camden went to pay for the book.
I bought a stuffed animal for Danielle that I knew was some kind of character from some kind of anime series, but I just thought it was cute.
At a booth that sold replications, I found an Original
Silver Arrow
flight pin. I showed it to Camden.
“This is nicer than the ones Eliza found online,” I said, holding it up to the pin on my tunic. The metal was heavier, more expensive.
“Why don’t you get it for your mom?” he suggested.
I shook my head, but didn’t put the pin back. “It would seem
like I was trying to buy her forgiveness. If she even wanted it. I don’t think she’d even want it.”
“It doesn’t matter if she’d want it. What matters is whether or not you want to give it to her.”
I looked him in the eye and he looked right back at me. God, how I loved him.
I bought the pin and tucked it into my Satina satchel. As we were walking away from the booth, Camden said, “Your mom must have started watching
Arrow
in 1988, when it first aired.”
“I guess,” I said, not wanting to admit I had no idea when she first started watching it. To me, she had always been watching it. “She would have been in college then,” I added, mostly to myself as I did the math.
“How terrific it must have been to watch when it was new.” He paused. “And how horrible to have to wait a week in between each episode!”
Huh. I’d never thought about my mom’s
Silver Arrow
life before me; but she’d had one, of course. And despite everything that had happened between her and me, I was still so grateful for all those afternoons in front of the TV together. We’d both gotten something we’d needed at the time.
Now I had my own life with
Silver Arrow
. Maybe I could live it for both of us.
An hour later, Kendall and James found us on our way into the “Cosplay Tips and Tricks” panel.
“Hey,” I said. “Having fun?”
Kendall had a light in her eyes. She bit back a smile and nodded. Then she saw Eliza, who was settling into a front-row seat by herself, and leaned in to whisper, “Wait, are you sure I’m allowed to be in here? Isn’t this just for cosplayers?”
I laughed. It felt good to do it at Eliza’s expense.
A girl stepped around us but stopped when she saw my costume. I looked up at her.
Reboot Satina. She was with a Reboot Marr and a Reboot Azor. Their costumes were good, but not great. Not as good as Eliza’s had been at Camden’s party, for sure. This must have been the group Eliza was on the alert for.
“Hi,” I said. “Nice Satina.”
The girl laughed and smiled warmly. “Thanks! You, too. I loved your ‘Ferris Wheel’ photos. I never got into the Original
Arrow
but I’m told they were very accurate.”
“Thank you. That means a lot.”
We stood there staring each other down, not sure what to do with this strange familiarity the costumes gave us. Then the flow of people entering the conference room pushed her forward, and the three of them moved on.
We found Camden and Max, who were saving some spots on the floor because all the seats were taken. Over the next hour, we learned about cosplay supply websites and catalogs, how to get coupons for craft and fabric stores, and why planning one’s cosplay up to a year in advance can really save you money in the long run.
After the sci-fi/fantasy panel called “New Trends in Other
Worlds” and a session previewing the biggest upcoming movie releases, we headed outside to a landscaped courtyard to kill the hour before the costume contest started. Grass, a scattering of flowers, a single tree—all tokens to remind us of the boring and normal earthbound world we knew, so easy to forget about in the windowless hotel conference rooms. Nobody was what they wanted to be, anymore. They were back to being people trying to eat their sandwiches without spilling on their costumes, drink their lattes without ruining their makeup.
We found a patch of lawn we could claim as our own and James jingled his keys. “I’ll make a run to the McDonald’s down the road. Who wants what?”
After we gave him our orders, which he actually wrote down on a pad, he turned to Kendall. “I’ll need some help. Want to come with me?”
“Yes, please,” she said, and they left.
Eliza stretched out on the ground and put her head in Max’s lap. I opened up my new book and Camden looked over my shoulder, and we began to read. We were too tired to speak, too busy processing the day. My phone sat like a dead weight in my bag.
When Kendall and James came back with the food, she looked stricken.
“What’s the matter?” I asked her. James went straight to sit with Max and Eliza.
“Bathroom,” she whispered as she leaned down to hand Camden and me our bags.
“You feeling sick?”
“Meet me in the bathroom!” she whispered louder.
Camden and I exchanged a look, then I followed her inside. The hotel hallway was crowded and I almost lost her a few times, but eventually, somehow, we ended up locked in a handicapped stall together. She crumpled against the wall, put her face in her hands.
“That was
so
horrifying,” said Kendall.
“Jamie?”
She only nodded.
“Tell me,” I said.
“‘Kendall,’” said Kendall, in a weird dumb-guy voice. “‘You know I like you as a friend, right? You know I’m not looking for anything romantic, right?’”
I stepped forward and put my hand on her head. “Because you’re supposed to magically know.”
“He’d be such a jerk, if he weren’t so
great
.”
I paused. “I’m sorry, Ken. Maybe it’s for the best, with you leaving and all.”
She gave me a dirty look. “Don’t try to help. I just want to be sad and pissed for a while. And the worst part is, I’m stuck at this stupid SuperCon with him until tonight.”
“You’re not with him. You’re with me. And Camden and Max.”
“And she who shall not be named.” Kendall laughed a bit, but the weight of her emotions pulled down the corners of her mouth again. “Why doesn’t he like me?” she asked.
“Camden told me James had a bad breakup last year. Maybe he does, but he’s afraid.”
I’d never been here before, giving relationship advice to Kendall. I felt like a fraud. Who was I to pretend I had any wisdom?
“None of that helps me.” Kendall looked up at me. “Why is it so easy for everyone else? Last year you wanted a boyfriend and boom, there was Lukas as your boyfriend. Then you wanted Camden and boom, there was Camden as your . . . Camden. What is wrong with me that I can’t make it happen?”
I was quiet. I didn’t want to echo the default answer—
there’s nothing wrong with you
.
“The
boom
may be easy, but everything else that comes after it is totally not.”
“I would welcome the everything else,” said Kendall. “If someone would only go there with me.”
Kendall and I ate our Happy Meals in the hotel lobby. We were silent, chewing and drinking and people-watching. It felt a little like being in the cafeteria at school with her. We didn’t need to talk; simply being present for her heartbreak was enough. Then she left to go for a walk while I met the others for the costume contest.
The room was filling up fast and I searched the crowd for Camden. I thought I saw him by the water fountain, but when I got closer, I realized it was the other Azor. The reboot version. Which would have been horrifying on multiple levels.
“Hey,” said the right Azor with a hand on my shoulder. “We
were starting to worry you wouldn’t make it. Is Kendall okay?”
“Not really,” I said.
“Do you want to leave?” he asked, but I could tell he didn’t want me to say yes.
“No.”
“Don’t stay for Eliza.”
“This is for me. A hundred percent.”
And for you
, I wanted to add.
“Good.” He smiled. “But I’m sorry about Kendall. I talked to Jamie about her, like you asked. I didn’t think he was going to—”
“Azor! Satina!” barked Eliza from nearby. “We’re saving you seats!”
We followed the sound of her voice until we found her and Max. They were sitting right in front of the reboot group.
“Hi again,” I said to Reboot Satina, who waved back at me.
Eliza pulled me down into my chair. “What are you doing? You’re fraternizing with the competition.”
“I’m celebrating the Satina sisterhood.”
“Not when there’s a group cosplay title on the line, you don’t.”
I laughed, thinking she was joking, but she glared at me. Okay, then. I scanned the room and spotted James over near the stage, fiddling with his camera. Was I supposed to hate him now? I didn’t want to hate him. He didn’t feel hateable.
Camden sat down beside me and put his arm around me, then a few seconds later, he took it away. I looked at him and
he whispered, “We shouldn’t block anyone’s view.”
The host of the contest was a local cosplay celebrity known as RedSmoke. (The term
local cosplay celebrity
came from Eliza.) She stood tall on the stage in black high heels, silver lamé minidress, and a completely shaved head.
“Hello, all you fabulous freaks!” she called. The room erupted in cheers. “Are you ready to blow us away?”
More whoops and hoots and hollers. A chill pushed through me. I hadn’t planned on getting excited about this, but the excitement got
me.
RedSmoke called up the contestants in the Individual category. They paraded one by one across the stage. There were superheroes and warriors, creatures and characters. Time periods and competing realities intersected and exploded. The crowd went nuts for each one.
It was the closest thing to pure shared joy I’d ever experienced.
By the time RedSmoke announced the Group category, I’d almost forgotten that I had to go up there, too.
“Ready?” asked Camden close in my ear.
I mentally reviewed everything Eliza had laid out for us. She had a whole Atticus Marr pantomime planned. She was supposed to run up, pretend she saw some huge threatening creature, draw her weapon, then beckon to the rest of us. We’d rush into formation behind her, staring out at the crowd with approximations of the expressions our characters were best known for.
After a group dressed as gaming characters left the stage, RedSmoke said, “Next up in the Groups, we have Temporal Anomaly!”
Which was us. Eliza led the way up the steps to the stage and started to do her bit. When it was time to fall into position, I paused. The reality of being on stage in my Satina costume felt suddenly huge, insurmountable. Camden stepped away from me, then glanced back and saw my hesitation.
“Come on,” he said, with that mischievous smile, offering his hand. I took it.
As soon as I did, the applause from the crowd swelled louder.
“Azor! Kiss Satina!” someone shouted.
Camden stared out at the audience for a second, then gave me a questioning look. I nodded imperceptibly, on impulse. He pulled me to him and we kissed. For the first time ever, it didn’t feel right. Who was I even kissing? The applause rained down around us.
When we pulled apart, the first thing I saw was Eliza glaring at me.
I didn’t look at her again until later, after the reboot group and several others went up, already acting defeated, their efforts halfhearted in our wake.
It was only when RedSmoke announced Temporal Anomaly as the first prize group cosplay winners that I dared to glance at Eliza again.
“Wow,” I said to Max as we let Eliza lead the way to the
stage to retrieve our trophy. “Is that what she looks like when she’s truly happy?”
“I wouldn’t know for sure,” he said. “Take a picture before it goes away.”
Camden reached out for my hand and I took it, but I let it go as soon as we were on our way to our seats.
I’ll admit this:
when we walked into the Tri-State SuperCon Dinner and Dance with our trophy, it felt like the whole party was for us. It was almost a wedding reception receiving line, the gauntlet of people we had to move through. There were claps and cheers and unexpected, slightly creepy pats on the back. I smiled and said
Hey, thanks
all the way down.
At some point, Camden took my hand again, but I didn’t notice right away. It felt like part of our costumes now, that we had to be connected. We were no longer us but rather, the Azor and Satina who’d finally hooked up and defied every rule of the
Silver Arrow
universe.
I couldn’t wait to get out of my Satina costume. The fabric on my skin felt heavy and old; the weight of the wig pulled me unnaturally to one side.
What had changed? Maybe there was a border between doing the cosplay for myself and doing it for someone else. Or in this case, a lot of someone elses. I’d crossed it.
Once we got through the cluster of people at the entrance to the party, I took a deep breath and let go of Camden’s hand. He took a step away from me, as if he’d been wanting the break, too, and in seconds he was gone from sight.