What Kind of Love? (11 page)

Daddy didn't say a word. He doesn't talk to me anymore. He doesn't even look at me.

Wednesday, October 30

Chamber group again. I didn't say anything about the scholarship, not even to Bret. I'm afraid talking about it will jinx it.

I've never heard anyone talk as much as Gwen does. She must know everything there is to know about Haydn string quartets—except how to play them. We kept having to stop because she was messing up. Robbie was really impatient with her. At one point this evening, he even said we should switch chairs. Bret and I laughed it off, but it's true, she's holding us back.

Even so, it was probably the most fun I've had all week. I love playing with them and wish I could be a permanent member. I suppose I won't have time once the baby is born. Oh, great, now I'm feeling sorry for myself! Sometimes, though, I just can't help it.

Dianne called again. I told Nick to say I wasn't home.

Thursday, October 31

I finished doing my English already. The workbook is so easy, I could do it with my eyes closed. I can't wait until the bell rings and we can start our Halloween party.

Everyone is acting silly. I think it's because we are all wearing these ridiculous costumes. I didn't want to wear one, but everyone else did, so I felt I had to. I'm a jack-o'-lantern. It was Nick's idea. He said I was shaped like a pumpkin already—all I had to do was wear orange. I was mad at him for making fun of me, but then I thought: Hey! Wait a minute! It's not a bad idea. All I needed to be a jack-o'-lantern was to wear my green leggings and Daddy's old orange sweatshirt. I painted a jack-o'-lantern face on the shirt and stuffed it so that it's round in back, too.

Mrs. Zakos, who can be a witch, came as one, with her front teeth blackened and this green makeup all over her face and a real-looking wart on the end of her nose. Yolanda was a magician in a black cape and top hat. She dressed up Esteban in a bunny costume with long, floppy ears. He was adorable. She let me hold him for a while. He has these tiny little fingers and beautiful translucent fingernails. But what a grip he has! Yolanda took him from me when he started fussing. She says he's always hungry. He wakes her up twice during the night to nurse. She's exhausted.

Listen, You-in-There, you better not cry all night so I can't get any sleep. You won't, though. You'll be my little angel, won't you?

Tuesday, November 5

I've opened this diary every day for the past five days, but I couldn't write. Every time I read how dumb and trusting I've been, I started to cry.

Peter is never coming back and we're not going to get married. He says it's crazy for us to try to raise a baby by ourselves. We'll ruin our lives and the baby's if we try.

His letter was waiting for me when I came home from school on Halloween. I was still wearing that stupid jack-o'-lantern costume.

Dear Val,

I know it was my idea for us to get married and raise the baby ourselves. But I've thought about it a whole lot since I've been here, and I don't see how it would work. The way I see it, it couldn't be anything except grim. We'd always be broke. And what about the kid? What would it be like for him? The kid wouldn't appreciate it because he would never see us—we'd have to work all the time just to cover the rent. College? Forget about it! Who's going to pay for that? And what about my brother and my mom? If we got married, my dad would cut off their support. It would ruin everyone's life. I can't do that, Val. I guess you think I'm a liar and a coward.

Maybe I am. But I'm just being realistic.

I don't know what you are going to do now. And I probably shouldn't ask. I do still care about you and want to help. It's my baby, and I owe it to both of you. I have some money saved up, and as soon as I can get my hands on it, you can have it. It's not a lot—I'll send more when I can. It won't be much until I'm through medical school, but it will be something. Although I know it's selfish, what I can't do is give up my future.

It would be too much for me to expect you to understand my side of it. You will probably hate me forever. I guess I deserve it. But if it means anything to you, you should know that I am sorry.

Love,

Peter

He's gone. He says he loves me, but he doesn't, not anymore. You don't love somebody and leave her the way he's left me. He says he's sorry. But how sorry can he be if he's not coming back? He's going to go on with his life. He'll graduate from his fancy school, go to college, even go to med school. He'll just walk away as if it never happened. But I can't walk away, can I?

Can I?

Wednesday, November 6

I dreamed I was on the bus and there was this bundle on the seat next to me. I got off and went into a place that looked like Penguin's, and everyone from Irvine was there. They were all staring at me—for what seemed like forever. Carrie came over and asked me where my baby was, and I realized I'd left it on the bus. Suddenly I was racing down the street after the bus in a panic. Then I woke up.

Now I can't fall back asleep. I keep having these weird thoughts. I try to form a picture of the baby in my mind, but all I see is this bundled baby blanket, and when I open it up, there's nothing inside.

Thursday, November 7

At lunch today, this girl whose baby is due the same time as mine was telling us that she and her husband were painting the crib they got from her sister. I had to leave the table because I was afraid I was going to start crying.

I haven't been able to think straight since I got Peter's letter. But I have to go on. I can't stay in my room and cry for the rest of my life. There's this baby growing inside me that wasn't there before, and I have to get ready for it. I can't just wait and let things happen anymore.

Stacy was right when she said I don't know anything. I don't even know what it costs to rent an apartment or to buy food. What if I can't do it by myself? What will I do then? Go on welfare? Where will I live? I have to be realistic and have a plan.

Hey, what about Grandpa and Grandma? They love me. They'll help us. And I can help Grandpa run the house and take care of Grandma. Mom says he's having a hard time. And Grandpa can coach me on the violin. Why didn't I think of this before?

Dear Grandpa,

This is a hard letter for me to write. I feel bad asking you for anything when you have every right to be ashamed of me. But I have nowhere else to turn. I'm desperate, Grandpa.

After the baby is born, can we come and stay with you? I know that you already have your hands full taking care of Grandma, but I could help you with that. We could help each other.

I know I'm asking a lot from you, Grandpa, but I beg you to say yes. Please. I need you to so badly.

Love,

Val

Friday, November 8

I told Stacy and Debbie about Peter today. They said they'd gone through the same thing. Stacy's boyfriend hasn't given her a cent for the baby. Her parents want her to take him to court for child support, but she says he just lies around his parents' house and watches television all day and you can't get blood from a turnip.

Stacy offered to take me to look at apartments on Sunday. I'm hoping I won't need one. Still, I'd better find out how much they cost in case Grandpa says no. She said she'd take me to apply for welfare, too, but we should wait until right before the baby's due for that.

I felt a lot better after I talked to them. I still have to tell Carrie and Dianne about Peter. I already know what they'll say: “I told you so.”

Sunday, November 10

Went with Stacy to Santa Ana and Fountain Valley to look at apartments. There were these scary-looking men standing around the entrance at the first place we looked. I'd be afraid all the time if I lived there. The second one was filthy. The kitchen sink was stopped up, and there was garbage everywhere and awful-looking stains on the carpet. The third one looked like it hadn't been painted since it was built, and you had to go through the bathroom to get to the kitchen. I couldn't live there. But it doesn't matter, since the landlord wouldn't rent to me. When I went to talk to him, he looked me up and down and said, “I don't rent to kids.”

Everything else we saw was even worse. I can't believe what those places cost. When I got home, I did a budget and discovered that I don't have enough money saved to live on even for a month. I don't know what I'm going to do if Grandpa doesn't say yes. I pray to God he does.

Monday, November 11

I told Mom I'd been looking at apartments, and she said what she always says when anything having to do with the baby comes up: “Valerie, why are you doing this? I can't believe you really want to be on your own with a baby. You're only a baby yourself.”

I said that they weren't giving me any choice. She accused me of twisting her words and said, “We never said that you couldn't come back here. We said you couldn't bring the baby home for us to take care of.” I said it was the same thing. And she said she felt like she was watching me run across a freeway, and there was nothing she could do to save me. She looked like she was about to cry, and for a second I thought she's going to, she's going to give in and let me bring the baby home. She didn't, though. She just shook her head and looked away.

I feel sick after every one of these discussions. I keep hoping that they'll change their minds and say they'll help me. But it doesn't seem as if they ever will.

Carrie wants me to go shopping with her and Dianne today. The stores are having Veterans Day sales. I told her I didn't think Dianne would want me to come with them, but Carrie said I was being paranoid. We almost got into another fight over it. A few minutes after she hung up, Dianne called. She said she was sorry she hadn't invited me to her party. It was just that she didn't think I'd want to be there with all the kids from Irvine. I was very cool about it. She kept begging me to come with them, so I finally gave in and said okay. I have to face the two of them sometime, and it might as well be today. Anyway, I need a couple of things.

Tuesday, November 12

I told Carrie and Dianne about Peter. They didn't bawl me out. They didn't even say we told you so or anything. They were very sympathetic, but I know what they think.

Shopping was so weird. We were in Kids “R” Us looking at clothes and things, and they kept holding up all these expensive little sleeper things and oohing over them as if they were playing dolls. When I said I couldn't afford anything like that, they said, “Oh, but they're so cute.” Then the two of them started whispering. The next thing I knew, they'd bought one for me. They could tell I wasn't thrilled about it. I guess I should have been more grateful, but my back was hurting and I kept having to go to the bathroom and I just couldn't take it anymore. Although I tried to make up for it on the way home, I think Carrie is still hurt.

Wednesday, November 13

The Haydn is beginning to sound like something. I never would have believed it, but it really is coming together. Even Bret said that with a little more work, it might actually sound good. It makes me believe in miracles.

Bret wants me to be a permanent member of the group. He says Robbie thinks I'm pretty good, too. Robbie never says anything to me though, so who knows what he really thinks. Bret is probably just saying it to make me feel better. I'll miss him. I'll miss all of them, even Gwen. I wish I could do the recital with them, but the performance is only a week before I'm due. Their second violinist will be back the first week in December.

Saturday, November 16

I thought Mom and Daddy were going out, so I told Stacy to bring Tyler over here this afternoon. She came just as they were leaving, and I couldn't believe how rude they were to her. Daddy acted like she wasn't there, while Mom didn't even introduce herself or say hello or anything.

Tyler was a handful. We couldn't take our eyes off him for a minute because he was crawling all over the living room. He got into everything, including the ashes in the fireplace and the electrical outlets. He put everything he found in his mouth. I was so exhausted by the time they left that I had to go and lie down, even though there were two of us watching him.

Afterward, all I could think about was how hard it is taking care of a baby. It made me really wonder, can I do it? Am I ready to be someone's mother? Or am I just fooling myself? I better find out before the baby gets here. Because it's one thing for me to wreck my own life, but I can't wreck the baby's life, too. That would be unforgivable.

Sunday, November 17

I dreamed my baby was born with this tiny, tiny red wrinkly body and this huge monster head. It kept crying and crying, and I couldn't stop it. Then I was wide-awake, and Mom was sitting on the bed, saying, “It's okay, honey. It's okay.”

Mom said a lot of pregnant women worry that their baby isn't normal, but that's not it. Something isn't right—I can feel it.

Monday, November 18

My Jewel,

I'm sorry to have to disappoint you, honey. You know I love you, but my first obligation is to your grandma, who is very, very sick. Even if Grandma were not so sick, I'm not sure that it would be a good idea for you to come here, dear.

There are times in life when we have to do things we don't like because there isn't anything else we can do. You should ask yourself if this isn't one of those times.

Listen to your Grandpa John. Right now, it seems to you that your life is over and everybody is against you. I am an old man, and I know that life is long and there will always be other chances. I know you hate the idea of giving the baby away. But, to tell you the truth, honey, it doesn't seem like such a terrible thing to me. Someday you will have a husband, and you will have other babies and you will be a good mother to them. But right now you are very young and in no position to take care of this baby.