What Little Remains (The Fallout Trilogy Book 1) (5 page)

Daren reaches over and covers Isaac’s ears. “This is a
reminder about what’ll happen if the space between you all gets any smaller,”
he says, looking at Ricky.

I bite my lip to keep from laughing at Ricky’s furious
expression. While Daren doesn’t understand why I don’t give in to Ricky, he
does have a certain respect for me He helps keep Ricky at bay.

Ricky pushes Daren backwards so I can’t hear what he says,
but based on Daren’s smirk, I’m guessing it was just the reaction he was hoping
for.

I dance around with Isaac, holding his little hand in mine.
He giggles with delight every time I dip him.

“What did you think about dinner?” I ask Isaac, glancing
over at Daren and Ricky. Now John has joined the group. It looks like Ricky and
John are getting into it again.

Isaac gives the dinner an approving nod, resting his head on
my neck. I sway with him for a few minutes before looking at Megan. She nods
when she notices me looking. I look at Ricky, catch his eye, and nod my head to
the barracks where the kids sleep. He nods back at me and gives me a smile
before continuing his argument with John.

I put Isaac to bed easily. He rolls over as I cover him with
a blanket. His expression is so relaxed as he sleeps. He is too young to be
haunted by what happened. He sleeps peacefully, no nightmares creeping into his
head and stealing his sleep. I can’t help but be envious. But I am also
extremely grateful. The children shouldn’t have to live with that kind of pain.

I walk out, quietly closing the door behind me. Nicole is
walking towards me, a smile on her face.

“Come,” she says holding out her hands to me. “We must
dance.”

I let her drag me back to the fire pit where couples are
dancing. The band is playing something upbeat that I don’t recognize. She drags
me out on the dance floor and starts dancing.

“So I have the answer to my problem,” she whispers to me.

“What problem?” I whisper back, amused by her enthusiasm.

“To get my mind off of Alec. To figure out what is going on
in my head. I need a vacation,” she whispers, her eyes alive with enthusiasm.

“Vacation?”

“Yes, like a little trip.
A girl’s day.
Away from here.”

I laugh nervously and glance at Ricky, who is watching.
“There’s no way Ricky will let you go on a vacation.”

“Who says he has to know?” she whispers, her eyes twinkling.

I’m not sure what to think. Part of me can’t believe that I
hadn’t thought of it sooner. The other part is screaming that this is a
horrible idea. It is an idea that would cause Ricky to get extremely angry with
me. On the other hand, I would love the opportunity to get out of here and see
the new world.

“How exactly do you plan on doing this?” I ask, keeping
Ricky in my sight. This is the last conversation that I want him to overhear.

“Oh, I have a plan,” she says, laughing as the song goes
off. “But I’ll share that tomorrow. We leave just a little after he leaves.”

“When did this become a ‘we’?” I ask, raising my eyebrows.
“I’m not sure this is a good idea.”

“Are you worried Mr. Cranky Pants will find out and put you
in time out?” Nicole asks, raising her eyebrows. “Because if you are too
chicken to go...”

“I hate you,” I say, rolling my eyes. “I don’t know why
we’re friends.”

“Listen, you need to get away from him. I know you two love
each other and that nauseating nonsense, but come on. You need a life away from
him. I’m giving you a chance to do that,” she says, watching my face.

She makes sense, and she must read my agreement in my face
because she smiles. “You know you want to go.”

“Maybe,” I say, but I’m starting to like the idea.

“We plan tomorrow,” she whispers dancing away from me. Alec
takes the opportunity to start dancing with her.

The scavengers are still out there, and we don’t know how
many. They are going to be looking for us. Scavengers aren’t an extremely loyal
group, but they don’t take too well to the killing of their own.

Nicole’s excitement has gotten to me. The idea that I’d get
to see something outside of these walls is unnerving but exhilarating.
Listening to Ricky talk about how beautiful this new world is has made me want
to see it even more.

I want to experience something without Ricky. I want him to
be a part of my life, but I don’t want him to be my whole life. This would be
something incredible to experience.

It’s not that I think it’ll be dangerous. It won’t be. Plus,
Nicole and I can more than take care of
ourselves
. If
Ricky finds out, my life will be hell. He probably wouldn’t let me leave the
cabin ever again. Or he might kick Nicole out. It would be the final straw for
him.

At the same time, I’m so sick of these walls surrounding me.
Seeing them every day, knowing that I can’t get away from them, is driving me
crazy. I don’t remember ever feeling so confined. There is this box around me
physically and mentally. I can’t ever be too angry or too sad because someone is
always watching. I can’t be too happy or enjoy myself because seven months ago
millions of people died. My parents died. My brother died.

Some days it is easy to go back into that hole, to give in
to the darkness that is with me every day. It’s easy to not allow myself to
feel anything but the grief of losing my family. It’s easy to wish that I was
dead so that I wouldn’t have to live this life of never knowing what the next
day will hold, if Ricky will come back alive, or if the world will end for
good.

I wonder sometimes if October 1 was supposed to be the end
of the world. Our planet wiped out all the people so that it could start over.
I wonder if, when the natural disasters were killing all of those people, we
were just overlooked. Then one day the world will be like “Oops, you all should
have died.” Then another round of disasters will take the rest of us.

Those are the bad days though, and they are becoming fewer
and farther in between. Most days are good days where I remember those who have
died, but I can be happy that I am still living my life. Even though they
aren’t here anymore, I know my parents would never want me to give up. They
wouldn’t want me to be sad for the rest of my life.

I am alive for a reason.

I just want to know what that reason is.

April 4

Yesterday, Ricky and I spent the day together. He helped me
in the morning with the kids, keeping them entertained. They look up to him so
much, hanging onto every word that he says. Afterwards, we had a picnic away
from camp. It was so romantic and thoughtful, I knew he didn’t come up with the
date idea by himself, but I appreciated the gesture.

It was the most relaxed I’ve ever seen him. It is a stark
comparison to his mood today.

“What were you thinking?” he asks, his voice harsh.

Outside I can hear the faintness of laughter; I stretch out
my hands, laying them flat on the table. I was playing soccer with Nicole,
Alec, Jack, and a couple of other people. Jack tackled me, and we rolled around
on the ground for a minute, laughing. It was innocent and harmless, but Ricky
didn’t seem to think so.

“You have no right to be mad at me. You had no right to pull
me away from my friends like I’m a child or something you own,” I say.

“You were flirting with all those guys, Charlotte, in front
of everyone. In front of me,” he says, his words sharp.

“You’re wasted, you have no idea what you saw,” I say,
looking up at him. “Besides if you were concerned with anything outside of
yourself, maybe you’d know that Alec’s with
Nic
right
now. And that the only interest Jack has with me is my ability to play soccer,”
I say, and Ricky makes a noise of disagreement, but I continue. “Maybe if you
trusted me, you wouldn’t be so insecure. Trust
me and the men
who work for you
. I wouldn’t cheat on you, and they wouldn’t let me.”

“So you’ve thought about it?” Ricky says, twisting my words.

I slam my hands down on the table and stand. “God, Ricky.
NO. I haven’t thought about anyone else. How could I with you always popping up
and making sure that I have little to no interaction with guys?”

He shrugs his shoulders, unashamed of his behavior. “It’s
the only way I know that you won’t do anything. With a slut like Nicole as a
friend, who’s to say you won’t pick up any of her tricks?”

I push away from the table unable to believe this. I walk up
to Ricky, leaving a couple feet between us. “How dare you. How dare you say
that about Nicole? How dare you keep accusing me of something I didn’t do? I
have been nothing but faithful to you these last seven months. My eyes have
never wandered. I have never thought about cheating on you, regardless of the
fact that you are an ass most of the time. I have given you chance after
chance, to change, to prove yourself, but I’m done. I think we might need to
take a break.”

I stomp into my bedroom. He doesn’t follow me right away. He
doesn’t come into my room until I start grabbing all of my clothing and
belongings.

“Charlie,” he says, an edge of terror rising in his voice.
“What are you doing?”

“I’m going to move in with
Nic
,” I
say, putting all the clothing I can fit into one crate. I make sure to grab
Danny’s baseball hat, putting it on top of everything. I pick the crate up and
walk out of my room. “I’ll get the rest of my stuff tomorrow after you’re
gone.”

He grabs my arm, but I don’t look at him. I stare at the
door instead.

“No,” he says. “I’m sorry. Come on, Charlie, you don’t want
to do this.”

I look at him, tugging my arm out of his grip. “Actually, I
do. You know that. I’ve wanted to move out before. I don’t know if we should
live together. But every time I think about it, you always say things will get
better, and you want another chance. I gave them to you. I wanted to pretend
that everything was going to be better. Not this time.”

He grabs the crate out of my hands and tosses it to the
floor. He reaches out and grabs my waist, pulling me to him.

“I’m sorry. You don’t have to do this,” he whispers, fear in
his voice. “I see I overstepped. I’m so sorry. I promise I can do better.”

I try to pry his arms off of me, but he’s strong. “Ricky,
I’m done. Let me go.”

He drops down to his knees, his arms still around me. He
buries his face in my stomach, his chest heaving. His tears seep through my
shirt.

“Charlie, you can’t leave me,” he says. “You can’t. You
can’t.”

“Ricky, I can. And I am,” I say, trying to wiggle out of his
arms. “You are just making this worse for yourself. Let me go.”

He shakes his head against my stomach. I take a deep breath,
but I can’t stop the tears from falling. Ricky never shows this much emotion,
this much desperation. He’s never this open with me. The part that tears my
heart out is that he is only like this because he’s drunk.

“I know I don’t deserve you,” he says, turning his face to
the side so I can hear him. “I know that. But I can’t handle you not loving me.
Charlie, I couldn’t handle that.”

I take his face in my hands and make him look up at me. “I
will always love you, but right now, it is too much. This is too much. I’m
sorry, but I’m leaving. The more you try to stop me, the more I want to go.”

His arms loosen but not enough for me to move. “Does this
mean we are over? You’re breaking up with me?”

“You’re drunk right now,” I say. “We can talk about this
when you get back and are sober.”

“You’ll still come say goodbye tomorrow?”

I hesitate, not wanting to put either of us through that the
pain of me not saying goodbye before he leaves. Even though I’m pissed at him
right now, I’m still going to worry about him. “If you let me go now, I will.”

His arms drop from around me, and I take a step back before
he changes his mind. He stays where he is on the ground, his head hung low. I
pick up my crate, my eyes on him the whole time. He hasn’t moved from that
position. I turn my back to him and walk out the door, shutting it behind me.
Laughter echoes from the bonfire, and I imagine that Daren kept people
entertained to keep the attention away from us.

I get a few steps away when Daren appears.

“Oh no,” he says, seeing the crate in my hand. “This is
bad.”

“Please, Daren. Just leave me alone,” I groan, putting the
crate on my hip. It’s starting to get very heavy.

“I’ll make sure he leaves you alone tonight,” Daren promises
and walks back to where I left Ricky without another word.

I don’t know what to make of that, but I hope he keeps his
promise.

I walk to Nicole’s cabin, glad that I don’t have to walk
through the bonfire area to get to it. Our little compound is small. The
bonfire area takes up the southwest area and is just a few feet away from the
bunker. Surrounding the bonfire area are the barracks, one for women, one for
the soldiers, and one for the children. The medical cabin sits on the northeast
side of the compound. The nine cabins fill the area in between. Ricky and I
have one cabin. Daren has his own as well. The other seven were left for
families. When Nicole first got here, her nightmares woke up all of the women
in the barracks, so I convinced Ricky to give her a cabin.

Her door is already open, and she’s sitting on the floor
with Alec. Nicole looks worried, and Alec is whispering something in her ear as
he rubs his hand up and down her back. The gesture is so tender and loving,
bitterness briefly rears its head before I can push it down.

“Knock, knock,” I say, hesitating at the door.

“Oh, thank God,” Nicole says, getting off the floor in one
fluid motion, walking over to me, and throwing her arms around my neck.

I hug her back with my one arm, my other straining to keep
the crate against my hip.

“I think I’m going to be staying with you for a while,” I
say, patting her back.

Behind her Alec is getting to his feet, and he takes my
crate from me, setting it down on the ground. I get the sense that I
interrupted something.

Nicole releases me, her green eyes swimming with tears. “Are
you okay?”

“I’m fine,” I say, waving away her worries. “I didn’t
interrupt anything, did I?”

“I was just leaving,” Alec says with a smile. He kisses
Nicole on the cheek, gives my shoulder a squeeze and walks out of the cabin,
shutting the door behind him.

She looks at the closed door with a broken smile. “He feels
guilty.”

“Why?” I ask, startled.

“He was worried about what was going to happen to you. He
felt like he should have done something, but he didn’t want to make it worse,”
she says, sitting and then patting the ground beside her.

I settle next to her and let my muscles relax. I didn’t
realize that I was so tense.

“It wasn’t his fault. My boyfriend is a mean drunk,” I say,
leaning my head on her shoulder.

Nicole doesn’t say anything, and we both just sit there.
This is the first time that I admitted out loud to someone besides Daren or
John that Ricky has a drinking problem.

How did I get here? I ask myself. The lines have become so
blurred. This world I live in is crazy. Or maybe I am crazy, and the world I
live in is normal. Or maybe Ricky is really the one who’s crazy, and I’m just
getting sucked into it.

“Let’s go,” I say, sitting up and looking at her.

“What? Honey, where do you think you can go right now?”

“Tomorrow. After Ricky leaves, let’s go. Let’s have a girl’s
day,” I say.

As I talk, a slow smile creeps across her face.

“A girl’s day it is.”

April 5