What Remains (26 page)

“What?”

Shit.
It may have been the first part of his attraction to Rupert that had returned, but it was the last thing Jodi had ever intended to say. Still, there wasn’t much he could do to take it back. He got up and turned away while he stripped off the T-shirt he’d slept in and rummaged in a drawer for a clean one. “I started dreaming about you a few months ago before I . . . before I knew about, um, us.”

“Dreaming?”

“Yeah.” Jodi had never been so glad he couldn’t see Rupert’s face. “Except it happened when I was awake too.”

“What kind of dreams?”

“Erm . . .”

“Oh.”

The single syllable wrapped Jodi in a cloak of heat. He turned around. Rupert was staring at him, eyes wide. Jodi chanced a grin, and tried not to fixate on Rupert’s teeth digging into his bottom lip. “Whatever you’re thinking, you’re probably right.”

“You don’t want to know what I’m thinking.”

“Don’t I?”

“I have no idea, but I know I sure as hell don’t want to tell you.”

Jodi pulled a T-shirt on. Part of him wanted to take pity on Rupert and leave it alone, but the more selfish part of him won out. “I kept thinking about being with you. It scared the shit out of me for a while before I realised it was real. It drove me fucking crazy. I thought I was a freak.”

Rupert flinched. “Why would you think that?”

“Why do you think? I didn’t know I was supposed to feel that way, or that you felt that way about me.”

“I’m so sorry.”

“Don’t be,” Jodi said. “Just don’t keep anything else from me. I know you’re worried about putting ideas in my head, but you don’t need to be—they’re already there. Now I just need to know the truth.”

“The truth about what?”

Jodi sighed. “Have you always found it so hard to talk about sex?”

Rupert came further into the room and sat on the edge of the bed. “Actually, yes, but I’d never really tried until I met you. Before then, I did everything I could not to even think about it.”

“But you were married before you met me. Why didn’t you think about sex then?”

“I was married to a woman. The kind of sex
you’re
talking about scared the bejesus out of me.”

“Oh.” Jodi processed Rupert’s words and tried to match them with the “Rupert Files” in his brain. “So, you were married, then you split up and came out? And then you met me?”

“Pretty much. Look, I’m not saying we can’t talk about it. I know we should . . . that we probably need to. Give me some time, yeah? I’m still getting my head around the fact that you want to be in the same room as me again.”

Jodi felt bad then. It was hard enough to keep up with himself. How the hell did he expect Rupert to? “I’m sorry.”

“I told you: don’t be. I’m over the feckin’ moon. I just need a moment to pull myself together.”

Except that moment was going to be far longer, as Rupert had to leave for work and he wouldn’t be back until the evening. Jodi tried to hide his disappointment. Failed. Rupert put two fingers under Jodi’s chin and gently forced him to meet his gaze.

“We can talk about this later, if you still want to. I promise I won’t freak out. I’m in this for as long as you want me. Just gotta man up.”

It was on the tip of Jodi’s tongue to tell Rupert he was all the man he’d ever need, but was that true? How many men had come before him? Would Rupert know the answer? Did Jodi dare ask?

“Jodi?”

“Hmm?”

Rupert shook his head slightly. “This is surreal, but I’ve got to go. Are you going to be okay today? You’ve got an appointment with Ken, haven’t you?”

Jodi scowled.
Fucking Ken
. . . “I’ll be fine. Do we need any shopping?”

“Maybe some bread and some milk? Haven’t had a cuppa yet today. Gonna be raging by the time I get to work. Can you remember the PIN for your debit card?”

“Nope. Gonna get it tattooed on my arse.”

“Good luck looking it up when you’re at the front of the queue in Sainsbury’s. It’s one-seven-nine-three. Start from number one and draw a U shape.” Rupert stood and drifted toward the door. “Sure you’re going to be okay?”

“I’ll be
fine
,” Jodi snapped. “Jesus. It’s not like you’ve never left me.”

“Don’t be an arse.”

“Excuse me?”

Rupert fixed Jodi with a steady gaze. “I said, ‘Don’t be an arse.’ It’s not unreasonable for me to worry about you a little bit. The last time I left you without a second thought, you got mowed down by a stolen car.”

Guilt returned full force. Jodi closed his eyes and imagined how he’d feel if their roles were reversed—if Rupert was snatched away when Jodi was just beginning to comprehend loving him.

There was no worse feeling. There couldn’t be. Jodi opened his eyes and found Rupert on his knees in front of him. “Don’t leave me,” Jodi said. “When you come home tonight, I need you to sleep in the bed with me. I don’t care about the sex—I don’t even know what the fuck I’m talking about . . . I can’t remember it, but I need you with me. I can’t be away from you anymore.”

Rupert cupped Jodi’s face and stroked his cheek with the pad of his thumb. “If that’s what you want, boyo. I’m there, every night I’m home. I love you.”

“I love you too.”

“So things are good at home, then?”

“Hmm?” Jodi tore his gaze from the window and struggled to focus on Ken. “Oh, um, yeah. It’s all kind of falling into place. At least, I think it is. It’s not like I know what it should be like.”

Ken raised an eyebrow. “Sounds to me like you know exactly what you want, and why can’t that be how your life should be?”

“You tell me.”

“I don’t need to, Jodi. You might not remember every moment of your past, but you know how you feel right now. You love Rupert. You want to be with him. If that’s what Rupert wants too, there’s no reason you can’t have it. Is it what Rupert wants?”

“He says it is.” Jodi chewed on his lip. “He wouldn’t lie, would he?”

“What do you think?”

“I think— I know he loves me. I knew it before he told me.”

Ken smiled. “Then focus on that and don’t let yourself be distracted by any negative thoughts. Talk them out, with Rupert or with me, and then move forward. There might be bumps in the road, but you and Rupert have overcome so much already, you should both be proud of how far you’ve come.”

Jodi couldn’t speak for Rupert, but as a faint sense of pride bloomed in his belly, he realised Ken was right. So much had changed in the last few weeks alone, but it was all for the good. He was no longer lost and lonely; he was loved, like he’d always been, only now he knew it, believed it, and had made it his own.

He left Ken and began heading home, stopping at the supermarket for milk. On the few occasions he’d ventured out to do the shopping alone since the accident, he’d deliberately chosen the quiet corner shop near the flat, ducking in and out with the exact change, counting it carefully before he went in. Today, with his last conversation with Rupert keeping him company, he braved the Sainsbury’s he and Rupert had bought the toad-in-the-hole ingredients from all those weeks ago.

The shop was busy. Nerves tickled Jodi as he searched for the milk aisle. It was a big store, but as he navigated through it, the ceiling seemed to get lower with every step. Anxiety roared in his ears, growing louder and louder, until the urge to bolt and run became too strong to ignore.

Just gotta man up.
Jodi sucked in a breath and pulled his phone from his pocket. He craved Rupert’s gentle, comforting voice, but Rupert was on shift and couldn’t answer. So he rang Sophie, preempting her usual afternoon call.

“I’m in Sainsbury’s,” he said by way of greeting. “I don’t like it.”

Sophie’s laugh was like a bell. “Oh honey. Are you by yourself?”

“Yup. Tied my laces myself and everything.”

“Don’t be a dick.”

Jodi stopped walking, ignoring the trolley that banged into his ankles from behind. “Am I really that bad? Rupert called me an arse this morning.”

“Did he mean it?”

“I think so, and he wasn’t wrong. I forget sometimes how much this has hurt him. It’s like that gap in my head swallows me up.”

“But that doesn’t happen as much as it used to, does it? And the gap’s getting smaller.”

Another trolley collided with Jodi’s ankles. He moved out of the way and found a quiet-ish spot by the lacto-free milk. “Not anymore it’s not. Dr. Nevis says I’m probably done with my neurological recovery.”

“I know that,” Sophie said. “But he also said that nothing was definite. Anything could happen, Jodi. Besides, even if you never remember another thing, you’ve got the rest of your life to plug that gap with new memories. You won’t need to be certain of your old past, because you’ll have a new one.”

It sounded pretty fanciful to Jodi, and he would’ve called bullshit to anyone else, but Sophie’s dreams had always felt real. “He said he loves me.”

“He does love you.”

“I know. I love him too.”

“I know.”

“Do
you
love me?”

Sophie sighed. “Of course I do—not the same way Rupert does, though. I thought I did for a while after the accident, but I don’t.”

“What does that mean?”

“It means you’re the love of my life—for now, at least, and even though I adore Rupert, there was a tiny twat-ish part of me that enjoyed the fact that you forgot about him and loved me all over again. But I was wrong to like that. I feel so much better knowing you and Rupert are working things out. It’s like the stars are aligning.”

Sophie finished her monologue with another sigh, and Jodi wanted to cry. He often forgot that damn-fucking car had hit Sophie too. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry, Jodi. Don’t you bloody dare. We’ve had this conversation a hundred times. I want you to be happy. Rupert makes you happy. Just let him.”

“I’m trying,” Jodi said. “I think I’m freaking him out, though. Reckon he’s got too used to me being a wanker.”

“Be patient. He’s waited this long for you. It’s your turn to have a little faith.”

Sophie said good-bye and hung up, leaving Jodi to realise that he was still in the milk aisle. He grabbed a pint of semi-skimmed and some butter. Logic took him to the bread section, where he picked up a sliced loaf. That done, he headed for the checkouts and found queues at every till.

Sod this.
Jodi considered ditching the groceries and running for home, but then he pictured the empty bread bin and Rupert trying to have a cup of tea with no milk, and joined the shortest queue. A battle with the thinnest plastic bag in the world ensued, but with a little prompting from the “Rupert Files,” he remembered the PIN for his debit card and made it out of the store with most of his dignity intact.

As ever, he was surprised at how uplifting it was to complete a bonehead task without a babysitter. Energy buzzed in his veins, and he didn’t feel like going home to an empty flat. He didn’t much fancy another supermarket excursion either, though, and shopping aside, he couldn’t think of anything to do, or anyone he wanted to see.
Wait
. That wasn’t true. He wanted to see Rupert. Jodi checked the time. It was nearly five; Rupert would be done in just over an hour. Which meant Jodi had plenty of time to retrace his steps and meet him from work.

It didn’t take much deliberating. Jodi caught the Tube like he’d been doing it all his life, and made his way back toward Camberwell, where the hospital was. He was usually exhausted and dizzy after he’d taken the Tube to the hospital, disoriented from being rocked about for twelve long stops, but today, the surge of energy he’d had on the street outside the supermarket stayed with him, and he emerged in Brixton, a stop before the hospital, feeling like he could take on the world. Whether he’d win or not was another matter, but for now, searching out the fire station would have to do.

Luckily the maps app on his phone took care of that, and before long, Jodi found himself across the street from the listed building that housed Brixton’s fire brigade. He checked the time again. Five to six. Perfect. Or was it? What if Rupert left through the back? Or finished late? What if Jodi had got it wrong and he wasn’t there?

Nerves bubbled in Jodi’s gut. Rupert had asked him for some time, but that was just about sex, right? He hadn’t said he didn’t want to see Jodi at all . . . No, of course he hadn’t. He’d told Jodi he loved him and he would see him at home. Except Jodi wasn’t at home. He was camped outside the fire station like a fucking stalker. Damn it. Why was it so hard to be a normal human being? Why couldn’t he just stay at home and cook a pan of pasta like any other stay-at-home—

“What are you thinking so hard about?”

“Pasta.” Jodi turned to face Rupert’s warm grin, and all his worries faded away. “I was thinking I should’ve stayed at home and cooked it for you.”

“You do make the best spag bol. The only thing better to come home to is your beautiful smile.” Rupert’s grin widened.

Jodi laughed. “Did you read that in the lonely hearts ads?”

“Nope. Made it up myself. Shoulda been a poet, eh?”

“Erm . . .”

“Don’t answer that.” Rupert brushed Jodi’s hair out of his eyes. “Seriously, though. What brings you here? I thought your appointment was at two. You haven’t been waiting out here all this time, have you?”