Read What to Expect the First Year Online
Authors: Heidi Murkoff
“My wife and I are very outgoing, so we're sort of surprised to see how shy our son is. Whenever anyone tries to talk to him, he'll hide his face.”
It's way too soon to assume your son hasn't inherited the genial gene from you, or that he won't follow in your friendly footsteps. After all, he's still very short on social experiences and limited in the interactions he's had (with others besides you, at least). So what seems shy to you is actually developmentally appropriate social tentativeness. Hiding his face (in the stroller seat, your shoulder, your leg) is a normal, common, and very reasonable reaction to having people in his face, particularly people who are (as most people he encounters are) big and unfamiliar. While being the life of the party may well be in his future, right now he may be dealing with:
⢠Stranger anxiety. Some babies start showing this hesitation around anyone but mommy and daddy as early as 7 months, but many don't start shying away from “strangers” (keeping in mind that this category can lump together strangers as well as people baby knows, or even knows well) until closer to the first year (
click here
).
⢠Separation anxiety. Situations that require socializing often require separating from mommy and daddy. Clinging at a playgroup or when a family friend tries to pick up your son isn't a sign that he's shyâjust that he's unsure about venturing off or even socializing without you (
click here
).
⢠“Unfamiliar” anxiety. For a newly mobile baby, the world is an exciting place to explore, but it can also be a scary one. In the face of so much change, older babies often shrink away from the unfamiliar, deriving comfort from continuity and consistency (all mommy and daddy, all the time). If they're going to explore the unfamiliar, you better believe it will be on their terms (say, trying to slip away into a crowd at the mallâa good reason why you shouldn't count on “unfamiliar” anxiety to keep your little one safely by your side).
⢠Social anxiety. This is, again, a matter of social experienceâor rather, lack of social experience. You've been talking your way around town for yearsâyour little one can't even talk. You've worked more rooms than you can recallâyour baby may not even have worked a playroom. Factor in his sizeâfar smaller than the adults who try to interact with himâand it's not surprising he's stressed in social situations.
Of course, some children (like some adults) turn out to be more socially reserved by nature, and some are, by temperament, especially slow to warm up. Still others are naturally more outgoing. Not only is it too soon to call where your little one will eventually fall on the
social spectrum, but labeling him now can actually prevent him from reaching his social potential (any label can stickâfrom “shy” to “troublemaker”âwhich is why it's best to avoid applying them at any age). Instead, gently support and encourage your baby in social situations, but never force him to face his fearsâor show his face to a stranger when he'd rather bury it in the security of your armpit. Sit down with him on the floor so he'll feel more comfortable playing at a birthday party, but don't push him to smile, say hi, or sit in someone else's lap. Let him respond to people on his own terms and at his own paceâwhile letting him know that you're always there for him if he needs a leg to cling to or a shoulder to hide his head inâand the social butterfly within your little caterpillar will eventually open up.
What do 1-year-old babies know about parties? Not much, actually. Which is why you might want to resist the urge to throw a huge birthday bash for your baby of honorâwho might end up cracking under the pressure (of too many guests, too much excitement, too much entertainment) and spending much of the celebration in tears. So think small (like your little one) when thinking about the first birthday party and follow this strategy so it's a party to remember instead of one you'd rather forget:
Keep the invites light.
A room too crowded even with familiar faces may overwhelm your birthday baby. Unless you're sure your little one can handle a big crowd, consider keeping it on the intimate sideâmaybe just a few family members and close friends. If your baby spends time with other babies, you may want to invite a few, along with their parents (you probably won't want to be responsible for supervising any baby but yours). If not, a first birthday party probably isn't the best time to launch your little one's social career.
Ditto the decor.
A room decorated with all that your local party store has to offer and then some may be your dreamâbut maybe not your baby's. Too many balloons, streamers, banners, masks, noisemakers, and hats, like too many people, may prove too much for a 1-year-old to process. So decorate with a light hand. If balloons will round out your party picture, remember to dispose of them post partyâtiny tots can choke on the rubber scraps left after balloons go pop. Or choose Mylar balloonsâthough remember that any string tied to a balloon also presents a safety risk. Simple, safe favors such as brightly colored large rubber balls, board books, or bath toys are a fun extra and can be handed to young guests just before the gifts are opened.
Serve up safety.
Many favorite party nibbles pose a choking risk, from M&Ms, Skittles, and jelly beans to olives, popcorn, nuts, and cocktail franks. So choose the party menu accordingly.
Time it right.
Scheduling is everything when it comes to a baby's party. Try to orchestrate the big day's activities so that baby is well rested, recently fed (don't hold off on lunch, figuring he or she will eat at the party), and on a normal schedule. Don't plan a morning party if baby usually naps in the morning, or an early afternoon party if he or she usually conks out after lunch. Inviting a tired baby to participate in the festivities is inviting disaster. Keep the party briefâ1½ to 2 hours at the mostâso your baby won't be a wreck when the party's over or, worse, in the middle of it all.
Don't send in the clowns.
Or magicians, or any other entertainment that might frighten your baby or any other young guestsâ1-year-olds can be sensitive and unpredictable. What delights them one minute may terrify them the next. Also don't try to organize the pre-toddler set into formal party gamesâthey're not ready for that yet. If there are several young guests, however, put out a selection of toys for nonstructured play, with enough of the same items to avoid competition, and maybe a few age-appropriate craft activities that little ones and their parents can work on together (or just a pile of paper and washable markers or crayons).
Have the budget to rent out a party space, like a play gym? That can be a fun option (and an easier option for you if it comes with staff to set up, clean up, and help out with the little ones)âjust make sure the facilities are 1-year-old appropriate.
Don't command a performance.
It would be nice, of course, if baby would smile for the camera, take a few steps for the company, open each present with interest, and coo appreciatively over itâbut don't count on it. He or she might learn to blow out the candles if you give it enough practice during the month before the party, but don't expect complete cooperation, and don't apply pressure. Instead, let your baby be your baby, whether that means squirming out of your arms during that party pose, refusing even to stand on his or her own two feet during the step-taking exhibition, or opting to play with an empty box instead of the expensive gift that came in it.
Take the cake, and make it a smash.
What first birthday party is complete without a smash cake (or cupcake) for baby to dive into headfirst? Whether it features layers of frosting or something a little healthier, it makes sense to undress your baby to a diaper before serving it upâand for safety's sake, to make sure that any candles or any chokeable decorations (including candy) are removed first.
Record it, of course.
The party will be over much too quickly, so you'll want plenty of pictures and video taken (preferably by someone else, so you can enjoy the event in real time). And speaking of enjoying itâmake sure you do. Another perk of a smaller, more casual party: You're less likely to stress, more likely to have funâwhich, in turn, will mean more fun all around.
“We've been involved in a playgroup for the last few weeks, and I've noticed that my baby doesn't play with the others. How can I get her to be more sociable?”
Sit back and relaxâthis could take a while. Though a baby is a social being from birth, she isn't capable of being truly sociable until at least the age of 18 monthsâas you'll see if you peek in at any group of babies and young toddlers “at play.” Tots at a playgroup may interact (often just long enough to grab another child's shovel or shove a peer away from a push toy that's caught their eye), but most of their play is done in the parallel modeâthey'll play side by side but not together. They definitely get a kick out of watching peers at play, but they won't necessarily join in with them. Naturally and normally mecentric, babies and young toddlers aren't yet able to recognize that other children might make worthy playmates. In fact, they still see them largely as objectsâmoving, interesting objects, but objects nonetheless.
All of which is completely age-appropriate. While 1-year-olds who have had plenty of group-play practice (for instance, at daycare) may progress faster in the sociability department, every child will progress eventually. Pushing your daughter to play with other children in her group when she'd rather play by herself (or cling to your leg, also common) won't advance her social skills faster, and it might trigger more tentativeness. For best results, continue to offer your cutie opportunities to socialize, and then let her socialize at her own paceâwhatever that pace turns out to be.
Of course, more opportunities for socializing also allow for more opportunities for hitting, toy grabbing, and having trouble with sharing and taking turnsâall normal behavior for kids this age. To learn more about these and other toddler behaviors, check out
What to Expect the Second Year
(you may want to check it out soonâmany of these behaviors get their start before the first birthday).
“I've never put my daughter to bed awakeâshe's always been nursed to sleep. How am I going to get her to sleep at night once she's weaned to a cup?”
How easy it's always been for your baby to suckle her way blissfully into dreamland. And how easy for you to nurse your way hassle-free to a peaceful evening. From now on, however, if you're serious about weaning your baby from her nightcap, bedding her down is going to take a little more effort on both
sides of the crib rail. To make this goal a reality, follow this plan, starting well before you plan to wean (and actually, even if you're planning to continue bedtime feeds indefinitely, since learning how to fall asleep without the breast is a skill your baby will eventually need):
Keep the old rituals.
A bedtime routine, with each step played out in the same order each evening, can work its sleepy magic on anyone, babies included. If you haven't made evening (and naptime) routines routine at your home, start now. And get a game plan together for getting your little one sleepy without her favorite nightcap.
Click here
for tips.
Add a new twist.
Before you retire that bedtime feed, add a bedtime snack to your baby's ritual (if it's not already on the schedule)âa slot after bath and PJs usually works well. Keep it light but satisfyingâa whole-grain mini-muffin and a half cup of milk (once milk has been cleared), perhaps, or a piece of cheese and some crackers or banana slices. Not only will the mini-meal eventually come to take the place of the nursing she'll be giving up, but the milk will have a sleep-inducing effect. Of course, if you've been brushing baby's teeth earlier in the evening, you will now have to move this part of the routine to after her snack. If she's thirsty once her teeth are brushed, offer her water.
Break the old habit, but try not to replace it with a new one.
Sure, it might be easier just to reroute baby's nightly trip to dreamland via the rocking express or the lullaby local once you discontinue bedtime breastfeeding service. But if you'd like her to develop sleep self-sufficiency (she'll need to at some point), you'll have to let her figure out how to fall asleep on her own. Do plenty of cuddling during the bedtime routine, then put her down, happy (hopefully), snug, and drowsyâbut awake. If you'd like to stay a while, patting and reassuring her, go for it.
Click here
for more tips on helping a baby fall asleep on her own.
Expect a fuss.
Chances are your baby will resist this bold new approach to bedtimeâloudly. Few babies will accept the switch willingly, though some may accept it much more readily if mom (and her breasts, constant reminders of what was) isn't the one doing the bedding down. But expect, too, that baby will adjust fairly quickly to a bedtime without nursing, as she will to all aspects of weaning. Heap on other forms of comfort in the meantime.
“We're expecting a second baby in 6 months. Should we switch our son from his crib to a bed?”
The best place for your little one is in his cribâeven if he's soon to become a big brother. Experts recommend that toddlers transition from crib to bed at about age 2½ to 3, or when they're taller than 35 inches (though if they reach this height at a younger age but still aren't climbing out, it's better to hold off on crib graduation until they're closer to age 3). Until then, your son is safer in the confines of his cribâespecially if he hasn't started trying to climb out of it yet (most 1-year-olds don't attempt escape). After all, having the ability to hop out of bed and roam your home during the night presents plenty of risks. Even a new baby isn't reason to push your pre-toddler out of his digs. You're better off buying or borrowing a second crib for your second baby, or switching your big boy to a crib that can convert into a junior bed when he's
ready, or keeping the new arrival in a bassinet and then a portable crib until your older child is truly ready to move out of the crib and into a bed.