What to expect when you're expecting (115 page)

Life with baby dreams. Dreaming about getting ready for the baby and loving and playing with the baby in a dream is practice parenting, a way that your subconscious bonds you with your baby before delivery.

Imagining baby dreams. Dreaming about what your baby will be like can reveal a wide variety of concerns. Dreams about the baby being deformed, sick, or too large or too small express anxiety about its health. Fantasies about the infant having unusual skills (like talking or walking at birth) may indicate concern about the baby’s intelligence and ambition for his or her future. Premonitions that the baby will be a boy or a girl could mean your heart’s set on one or the other. So could dreams about the baby’s hair or eye color or resemblance to one parent or the other. Nightmares of the baby being born fully grown could signify your fear of having to handle a tiny infant.

Labor dreams. Dreaming about labor pain—or lack of it—or about not being able to push the baby out may reflect your anxieties about labor.

Bottom line about your dreams and fantasies—don’t lose any sleep over them. They’re completely normal and as common among expectant moms as heartburn and stretch marks (just ask around and you’ll get an interesting earful). Keep in mind, too, that you may not be the only one in your bed who’s dreaming up a sometimes unsettling storm. Expectant dads may also have strange dreams and fantasies as they attempt to work out their conscious and subconscious anxieties about impending fatherhood (and it’s not as easy for them to blame it on the hormones). Swapping dreams in the morning can be fun (can you top this one?) as well as therapeutic, making that transition into real-life parenthood easier—plus it can help bring you closer together. So dream on!

“I’m beginning to worry that I won’t be able to manage my job, my house, my marriage—and the baby, too.”

Here’s the first thing you should know about doing it all: You can’t do it all, do it all well, do it all well at the same time, and do it all well all the time. Every mom’s super, but even the best among us are only human. Many new mothers have tried to don the cape—handling a full workload on the job; keeping the house spotless, the laundry basket empty, the refrigerator stocked, and home-cooked meals on the table; being a doting (read: sexy) partner and an exemplary parent; and leaping the occasional building at a single bound—but most have realized somewhere in midflight that something’s gotta give.

Just how well you’ll manage your new life will probably depend on how quickly you come to that realization. And there’s no better time than now—before your latest (and cutest) life challenge arrives—to start.

First, you’ll need to give some thought to what your priorities are so you can begin arranging them in order of importance (and not everything can make that top spot). If baby, spouse, and job are priorities, perhaps keeping the house clean will have to take a (messy) backseat. Maybe home-cooked will give way to home-delivered, at least some of the time, or the laundry basket will become someone else’s responsibility. If you’re thinking that full-time motherhood might have your name on it, and you can afford to stay home for a while, maybe you can put your career on hold temporarily. Or you might consider working part-time or job sharing with another mom, if you can swing it, or working from home, if possible.

Once you’ve settled on your priorities, you’ll need to let go of your unrealistic expectations (you know, the ones your daydreams are filled with). Check in with experienced moms, and you’ll get a reality check fast. As every mother finds out sooner or later—and you’ll save yourself a lot of stress if you find out sooner—nobody’s perfect. As much as you’ll want to do everything right, you won’t be able to—and there will be those days when it seems like you can’t do anything right. Despite your best efforts, beds may go unmade and laundry unfolded, takeout may take over your dinner table, and getting “sexy” may mean finally getting around to washing your hair. Set your standards too high—even if you were able to meet them in your preparenting days—and you’ll set yourself up for a whole lot of unnecessary disappointment.

However you decide to rearrange your life, it will be easier if you don’t have to go it alone. Beside most successful moms is a dad who not only shares equally in household chores but also is a full partner in parenting, in every department from diapering to bathing to cuddling. If dad’s not available as much as you’d like (or isn’t in the picture at all), then you are going to need to consider other sources of assistance: baby’s grandparents or other relatives, child care or household help, baby-sitting co-ops, or child-care centers.

“A friend who recently delivered said she worked out a birth plan with her doctor before delivery. Should I?”

Decisions, decisions. Childbirth involves more decisions than ever before, and expectant women and their partners are involved in making more of those decisions than ever before. But how can you and your practitioner keep track of all those decisions—from how you’ll manage the pain to who’ll catch your emerging baby? Enter the birth plan.

Some Cookies with That Birth Plan?

Once you’ve passed your approved birth plan on to your practitioner, it should become part of your chart and find its way to your delivery. But just in case it doesn’t make it in time, you might want to print up several copies of the plan to bring along to the hospital or birthing center, just so there’s no confusion about your preferences. Your coach or doula can make sure that each new shift (with any luck, you won’t have to labor through too many of these) has a copy for reference. Some expectant parents have found that placing the birth plan in a small basket of goodies makes it even more welcome.

A birth plan is just that—a plan (or more aptly, a wish list). In it, pregnant women and their partners can offer up their best-case birthing scenario: how they’d ideally like labor and delivery to play out if all goes according to “plan.” Besides listing those parental preferences, the typical birth plan factors in what’s practical, what’s feasible, and what the practitioner and hospital or birthing center find acceptable (not everything on a birth plan may fly medically, obstetrically, or policywise). It isn’t a contract but a written understanding between a patient and her practitioner and/or hospital or birthing center. Not only can a good birth plan deliver a better birth experience, it can head off unrealistic expectations, minimize disappointment, and eliminate major conflict and miscommunication between a birthing woman and her birth attendants. Some practitioners routinely ask an expectant couple to fill out a birth plan; others are happy to oblige if one is requested. A birth plan is also a springboard for dialogue between patient and practitioner.

Some birth plans cover just the basics; others are extremely detailed (down to the birthing room music and lighting). And because every expectant woman is different—not only in what she’d like out of the birth experience but what she can likely expect, given her particular medical and obstetrical background—a birth plan should be individualized (so don’t fill yours out based on your friend’s). Some of the issues you may want to tackle in your
birth plan, should you decide to fill one out, are listed below. You can use it as a general guideline, then flesh it out as needed (you can refer to the appropriate pages before making your decisions). For a more detailed list and sample birth plan, see the
What to Expect Pregnancy Journal and Organizer.

Your Main Squeeze

Your baby might not be ready for delivery yet, but it isn’t too soon to start getting your body—and your pelvic floor muscles, in particular—geared up for the big day. Never thought much about your pelvic muscles—or maybe never even realized you had any? It’s time to start paying attention. They’re the muscles that support your uterus, bladder, and bowels, and they’re designed to stretch so your baby can come out. They’re also the muscles that keep your urine from leaking when you cough or laugh (a skill set you’re only likely to appreciate when it’s gone, as can happen with postpartum incontinence). These multitalented muscles can also make for a much more satisfying sexual experience.

Luckily, there are exercises that can easily work these miracle muscles, whipping them into shape with minimal time and minimal effort (no workout clothes necessary, no visit to a gym required, and you don’t even have to break a sweat). Just 5 minutes of these amazing exercises, called Kegels, three times a day and you’ll tone your way to a long list of both short- and long-term benefits. Toned pelvic floor muscles can ease a host of pregnancy and postpartum symptoms from hemorrhoids to urinary and fecal incontinence. They can help you prevent an episiotomy or even a tear during delivery. Plus doing your Kegels faithfully during pregnancy will help your vagina snap back more gracefully after your baby’s grand exit.

Ready to Kegel? Here’s how: Tense the muscles around your vagina and anus and hold (as you would if you were trying to stop the flow of urine), working up to 10 seconds. Slowly release and repeat; shoot for three sets of 20 daily. Keep in mind when you Kegel that all your focus should be on those pelvic muscles—and not any others. If you feel your stomach tensing or your thighs or buttocks contracting, your pelvics aren’t getting their full workout. Make this exercise your main squeeze during pregnancy (doing them each time you stop at a traffic light, while you check your e-mail, in line at the ATM, while waiting for the cashier to ring up your groceries, or while working at your desk), and you’ll reap the benefits of stronger pelvic floor muscles. Try doing them during sex, too—both you and your partner will feel the difference (now that’s a workout you can get excited about!).

How far into your labor you would like to remain at home and at what point you would prefer to go to the hospital or birthing center

Eating and/or drinking during active labor (
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