What We Search For (21 page)

“Yeah well this is the
hard part.” I started.

“What is?” She asked,
concern and frustration playing through her voice.

“Well. I’m actually in LA
right now. I’m staying about fifteen minutes away or so.” I said carefully,
waiting for the outburst that was sure to follow. Instead silence followed, and
it stretched making things uncomfortable.

Rachel let out an
explosive sigh. “You really do love her don't you?” She said in exasperated
tones. I imagined her shaking her head and rolling her eyes while saying it.

“I do.” I replied eagerly.

“I can’t say she would
want to see you right now, but it might work out. How long are you here for?”
She asked slowly.

“As long as it takes. I
want to fix this between us.” I said hopefully.

“So you want my help?” She
asked.

“If you’re willing to give
it.” I replied cautiously.

“I’ve told you this many
times, so I won’t bother with the whole don't hurt her speech. Instead, I want
you guys to get back together, so I’ll help. You make her really happy. She
just panicked when you went angry and started shouting at her out of nowhere.
Remember she had tough times with guys in the past. A lot of anger. So it
frightens her easily.” She started, “Honestly though… I know how she feels
about you, and it was only the one time. I think it should be fixable.” She
added, “I can’t promise you anything, but I’ll talk to her about you.” She said
with a reserved sigh.

“That’s all I could ask.
Please don’t tell her I’m here just yet.” I pleaded.

“I won’t. I’ll call you soon
and let you know how she is doing.” Rachel said. She cut me off from any
response by hanging up.

Shaking my head letting
out a long breath, I sat down as relief washed over me, as that could have gone
either way. Over and over I kept saying to myself, “One step at a time. No need
to rush things. Take it slowly, and I just might be able to get out of this in
one piece.” Basically all the advice I had been given and decided to ignore
like an idiot, rattled through my brain.

One day after I had
arrived, I hadn’t had any word from Rachel so I walked around the area a few
times trying to amuse myself with the local sights. I returned to my motel and
the phone call I had been waiting for finally came.

“Hey, Rach.” I said
excitedly.

“Hey.” She replied, “I
spoke to Amanda. She’s still pissed off with you obviously, but it’s fixable.
Just don't scare her again.” She added.

“You’re the best! Thank
you so much.” I replied while grinning like a fool.

“So what are you going to
do?” She asked.

“Honestly, I think I might
just try and have a coffee with her.” I said

“Whatever you do just take
it easy and calmly!” She said.

“Thanks Rach, I’ll do my
best!” I replied.

Calling Amanda was
difficult. The ringing lasted far too long and I almost threw up.

“Hello.” She answered in
the flattest voice I had ever heard her use.

“Hi Amanda. How are you?”
I said forcing a smile on my face. I needed to calm down.

“I’m good. You?” She asked
shortly.

“I’m good too. Thanks.” I
added with a grimace trying to think of what to say.

“What do you want?” She
asked.

“I wanted to talk about
what happened.” I replied.

“What’s there to talk
about?” She asked plainly.

“I screwed up. I shouldn’t
have said what I said like I did.” Trailing off as I said it. This was not
going well.

“Yeah, you’re right.” She
replied.

“I want to try and make it
up to you. Can I have another chance?” I pleaded a little too strongly for my
liking.

“Look James. This long
distance stuff is too hard, like you said. I just don’t know if it’s going to
work.” She said strongly.

“It doesn’t have to be
long distance. I’m in LA now. Give me another chance please!” I said,
immediately regretting it. My stomach churned and did flips. Silence. After
what seemed like forever.

“You’re such an idiot.”
She said with a sigh and hung up.

Where was a bucket to
stick my head in when I needed it? Idiot! I tended to agree with her. So maybe
I shouldn’t have mentioned I was in LA straight away. Whatever the case, I
wasn’t going to give up just yet. So I did things a bit differently. It didn’t
mean I couldn’t figure it out.

Sighing, I lay on my bed
and closed my eyes. Opening them again I checked my email and saw I had a
response from Bob and Laurene. Specifically it was from Bob. He mentioned he
would like to catch up for a drink and gave me their cell phone number. I
called Bob and he answered.

“James my boy. How are
you?” Bob said, his voice seemed somewhat different.

“I’ve been better to be
honest Bob.” I replied.

“You and me both kiddo.
What’s bothering you?” He asked slowly.

“It’s Amanda. I screwed up
and I’m not sure what to do.” I said, just as slowly.

“Well how about we get a
drink and you tell me all about it? There’s a place I know.” He said. He gave
me the directions and we ended the call there.

I arrived at the bar
first. It was just shy of empty apart from a couple of regulars in the corner
speaking quietly. Walking up to the bar and taking a seat I ordered a whiskey
on the rocks and looked deeply into it as I waited for Bob to arrive.

The bartender stood
silently polishing glasses as the day outside slowly dragged on. My mistakes
with Amanda entered my head and I let my frustration begin to brew. Maybe
everything was going to be too hard.

Looking up from my glass,
I watched as an elderly man made his way into the bar. He was dressed in a dark
suit and hat drawn partially over his eyes. He walked over to me and sat down
ordering two double whiskeys. It was Bob.

He looked at me with his
gentle weathered smile, but something else was in his face and I couldn’t quite
place it. For some reason, I didn’t want to interrupt the silence as our drinks
arrived.

“James my boy. Tell me
your story.” He said quietly.

“I’ve done something
stupid Bob. I keep screwing things up with Amanda. It seems whenever I try and
do something right, instead it goes wrong.” I replied glumly over my drink.
Shaking his head, he looked me in the eye.

“Why do you say that?” He
asked.

I filled him in on
everything that had happened since I had seen him last. Taking it all in, he
listened intently as I went through every little detail until finally I came to
a finish.

He looked down at his
hands for a moment and took a long drink from his whiskey, and turned to me
once again. This time I could clearly tell the emotions on his face. There was
a look of sadness and almost like something was missing mixed amongst his usual
slight smile.

“James.” He started very
slowly. Turning back to his glass, “I buried Laurene today.” He said, his voice
breaking a little as he spoke. As what he was saying registered, I sat there
dumbfounded and shocked. I tried to say something, but Bob waved me to silence.

“How many arguments do you
think we had in our fifty years of marriage?” He said, not actually seeking an
answer, “Time and time again we would argue. I couldn’t tell you how many
times. We had our times apart too.” He added, “I did silly things when I was
younger just as you are doing them now, but did I give up on her? Hell no.” His
voice now firm and unmoving. He paused for a moment to have another drink.

“We worked at that
marriage the whole way. If we let every little thing pull us apart, I would
have been a very lonely man for these last fifty years.” He said, “She was my
best friend and my lover, and now she’s gone. But we shared a lifetime together.”
He said in pained yet peaceful tones, “What I’m saying son, is I wouldn’t trade
those arguments for the world, because they made us stronger. Don’t you dare
give up on someone you care so much about.  Especially over something so
small.” He said, regaining his composure he looked me dead in the eye.

“Go get her.” He said,
strength returned to his voice, “Right now!” He added, indicating towards the
door, “Go.” He smiled gently as I stood up reinvigorated, yet still reeling
from the news of Laurene.

He wouldn’t let me speak
as I opened my mouth to say something, and just pushed me gently towards the
door.

Running out the door, I
looked back just once to see Bob waving the bar tender over and then he was out
of sight. Running down the street, not knowing what to do I flagged down the
next cab I saw and went directly to Amanda’s house without any hesitation.

Dashing to the front door ,I
rang the bell and knocked firmly.  After a few moments, Rachel opened the door.
At first she looked frustrated, but that was replaced with surprise.

“Wha-.” She said, but I
cut her off.

“Is Amanda here?” I asked.

“Yes, but I don’t know if
she’ll want to see you right now.” She replied taken aback by my interruption.

“Can you ask her please?”
I demanded, as I balanced from one leg to the other impatiently.

She closed the door as she
walked away, and I stood staring at the wooden designs of the door admiringly.
Not even thinking anymore. I was still lost in the design as the door opened
slightly.

“What do you want?” Amanda
asked, clearly not impressed with my being here.

“I’ve made mistakes, and
I’m sick of trying to fix them over the phone. I try to say one thing, and
something completely different comes out.” I started firmly, “Yes I was
frustrated and got angry. I came on too strong I completely understand that.
All I was trying to do was reconnect with you as I was worried we were falling
apart.” I continued, “All I was able to do was the opposite. I also realize
coming to LA was a little crazy, but I wanted to show you how determined I am
to make this work.” I added breathlessly.

I couldn’t stop talking
now. I had to get it all out. “A good friend of mine told me ‘Don’t you dare
give up on someone you care so much about’. That’s why I’m here. I don’t want
to give up on you and I want to make this work, no matter what. Please give me
this chance.” I finished, my voice was full of emotion, as I gave up entirely
on trying to say the right thing.

I didn’t beg or plead. I
just said exactly what I needed to say as of that moment. Amanda stood and
watched me as I spoke and her face seemed to soften by the end.

Standing in silence we
looked in to each other’s eyes searching our emotions. The tiniest smile
touched her lips and she opened the door to me slowly. “Why didn’t you say that
in the first place?” She yelled as she reached her hand out to me. Her eyes
beginning to water. Taking her hand in mine, I walked towards her.

“I didn’t know how.” I
said genuinely.

I smiled at her as tears
came to my eyes. We stood in the doorway just holding hands.

“You’re such an idiot.”
She said with a laugh. I joined in with her laughter straight away as relief
washed over me.

“Tell me about it.” I
replied shaking my head.

I wrapped my arms around
her and held her not wanting to let go. Walking inside we found Rachel sitting
on the couch obviously concerned, as she was watched the hallway like a hawk.
At seeing us walk in holding hands, she smiled broadly.

“About damn time!” Was all
she said, as we joined her.

“I’m a bit slow okay?” I
said defensively, yet with a laugh. Amanda nodded her agreement vigorously.

“Still. You managed to
redeem yourself.” She said with a smile.

We sat there chatting
softly for the remainder of the night. Amanda was nestled in my arms until she
got up and led me to her room. “I’m glad you came.” She said and I smiled. We
lay down in bed together and looked at one another with our heads resting on
the pillows.

“I am too.” I replied, “I
want to keep working at this.” I added.

“Me too.” Amanda said
happily, “Let’s go away together.” Her voice excited.

“Do you have any time
off?” I asked seriously.

“I’ll be fine. I just want
to go somewhere with you.” She said, propping herself up on her elbow.

“Let’s do that.” I replied
happily. Reaching out and pulling her on top of me, I kissed her deeply.
Pulling back away from my kiss she poked me on the chest.

“Where should we go?” She
asked excitedly.

“How about somewhere nice
and warm with a beach?” I queried returning her poke with one of my own. She
grinned and nodded her head.

“I have some bathing suits
I want to try too!” Her voice growing in excitement with every word. “Let’s go
to the Caribbean!” She said finally, as her eyes widened at the idea.

“Sounds good! The
Caribbean it is!” I replied, she laughed and kissed me deeply.

Rolling on top
of her I returned the kiss more passionately while our hands wandered. Whether
you want to call it sex or making love, we did both that night. All our pent up
frustrations were let go as we tumbled between the sheets and released them
all. Everything was forgotten throughout that night.