Read What Would Satan Do? Online
Authors: Anthony Miller
“Hmm …” said Satan. Cadmon had a point. The ground was still shaking, and there was no telling what the hell kind of craziness was going on outside the stadium. “Maybe I should try killing you?”
“No, no,” said Cadmon, holding up his hands. “That won’t be necessary.”
“Let’s give it a shot anyway.”
“No!” said Cadmon.
“Oh, yeah. It’ll be fun. Ready?”
“No!” said Cadmon.
“Oh, come on now,” said Satan. “Be a sport.”
Cadmon started to say, “No,” again, but stopped when Satan held up a finger. He held it there for a moment, and then gave it a tiny wiggle. Cadmon’s eyes appeared to be locked on the Satanic finger. Satan flicked his wrist, and the preacher flew backwards. He smacked into the wall and exploded, splattering nasty, bloody preacher bits all over the two soldiers, the wall, and Raju’s shoes.
Most of the folks there in the passageway who had to witness Cadmon’s demise found themselves completely unable to speak. It was just too disgusting.
“Dude!” said Raju. “My shoes.”
Liam regarded the Prince of Darkness with a mixture of disgust and disbelief. “Was that really necessary?” asked Liam.
“Wait,” said Lola. Liam glanced at her. “That doesn’t matter,” she said. “What I want to know is,” she gave the Devil a wry look, “did you just save the world?”
“You totally did,” said Raju.
Satan looked sheepish, inasmuch as it is possible for a giant, beautiful guy with wings to look sheepish. “Well …” He shrugged and let a tiny smile escape the side of his mouth.
“That doesn’t make any sense,” said Lola.
Satan quit looking sheepish. “What do you mean? Of course it makes sense. Do I need to splat
you
against the wall?”
“Wait a minute,” she said, ignoring the threat. “If you’re the Devil, aren’t you supposed to
want
the end of the world?”
“You could think of it that way, I guess. But I prefer not to. ‘Supposed’ is, after all, such a strange word – so full of unwarranted connotations and expectations.”
“Why don’t you want the end of the world?” she asked.
Satan spun to face her. He seemed to grow and take on a vaguely minatory aspect. She, on the other hand, seemed to shrink a little, and took a small step backward. “It’s very simple, dear. If the world is going to end, I want to win. And if I can’t win – and I can’t, because He designed this whole universe thingy that way,” he waved dismissively at the whole universe thingy, “then I don’t want it to end. See?”
“No, not really,” she said.
“Have you
read
the Book of Revelation?” asked Satan.
“No, I haven’t,” said Lola.
“I have,” said Festus.
Satan did kind of a bobble-head, smirk thing and threw up his hands, like,
Yeah, he knows what I’m talking about
. “See?”
“Um … okay,” said Lola, clearly not seeing.
“It tells the story of how the world is supposed to end,” said Festus. “It doesn’t turn out well for Mr. … uh … Lucifer, here.”
“Is that what you want?” asked Satan. He put his hands on his hips, and gave her a no-nonsense smirk far more befitting of a matronly African-American lady than the Prince of Darkness.
“No,” said Lola, “I suppose not.”
“Okay, then,” said Satan. “Me either.” He nodded, glad to have that over with.
“Alright,” said Lola.
They all looked at one another for a bit.
“But why is the ground still shaking?” asked Lola. “Isn’t that related somehow?”
“It’s not,” said Festus. He turned his head to the side, like a dog listening for something. “Oh, wait. It is.”
“Yes, dude,” said Raju. “Definitely still shaking.”
“It seems to me,” said Lola, “that if you really had saved the world, the building wouldn’t still be shaking. I mean, isn’t that related to … to all of this stuff?”
Satan gave her a look. “Nobody likes a smartass.”
“She’s right,” said Raju. “It’s so not stopping.”
“But that angel is gone. And Cadmon’s gone,” said Festus. “Maybe the angel was telling the truth. Maybe it really is too late.”
“No,” said Satan. “I don’t think so.”
They all stood there for a moment, mulling it over, while the rumbling of the building got louder and louder. A crack appeared in the wall, and wound its way down toward the floor. The jagged line paused briefly at the seam between the wall and the floor, and then spread with redoubled vigor. Halfway across the passageway, the crack spread, opening into a gaping, craggy mouth. Liam and Lola had to step back to avoid the tear.
A frog hopped out of the crack, landing just inches from Satan’s foot – which, as it happens, was clad in what could only really fairly be described as “a Jesus sandal.” It sat there for a moment, oblivious to either the situation it had entered or the stares it was getting.
As Satan watched the frog, his expression shifted, changing his face from statuesque beauty to something that would have looked more appropriate directing the flow of rainwater high up on the outside of a medieval cathedral. The edges of his mouth curled downward, his eyes grew large and fiery, his nostrils flared, and his wings seemed to get bigger and somehow pointier.
And then the frog croaked.
The Devil started to shake, and then, without warning, he leapt into the air, his arms outstretched in front and behind his body like a Kung Fu angel. He seemed to hang there for an impossibly long time – which is actually exactly what happened, since he was an angel – until he finally came down and, landing on his heel, splatted the frog into many nasty froggy bits.
“Jesus!” said Lola. “What is your problem?”
Satan glanced around for a second, confused, and then looked sheepish again. He shrugged and pointed at the frog, as if the fact that frogs needed to be stomped to bits was perfectly fucking obvious.
“He is the Devil, you know,” said Raju.
Lola whacked him.
“Ow!” said Raju. “Witch!”
“Wait a minute,” said Festus. “It’s him.” Nobody waited a minute, or did anything else to acknowledge the fact that he had spoken, so he said it again. “It’s him.”
“What?” asked Liam.
“Who?” asked Satan, administering a sly kick to another frog who’d appeared from the not-quite-gaping chasm. He smiled, as if that would make his amphibicide somehow alright.
“Dude, what’s your problem, you weirdo?” said Raju. “Don’t you—”
“You,” said Festus, turning to face Liam. “It was you all along.
“What?” asked Liam.
“You!” said Festus. “You’re a freak! All that weird stuff! All of it! It always happens when you’re around. It’s you! All of this is your fault.”
“I had nothing to do with this shit!” said Liam.
“No,” said Festus. “You are the Antichrist.”
“You just got shot! But you didn’t. You’re just fine!” Festus was just shy of foaming at the mouth at this point. “And… And I was Jesus. I’m your companion and I pretended to be Jesus. Just like in the Book of Daniel. All of it. Just like in the Bible.”
“Whoa, dude,” said Raju. “Hold it right there. You pretended to be Jesus? That’s blasphemy, dude. I don’t think we can be friends anymore.”
Festus turned to look at Raju. “What the fuck? Shut up.” He turned back to Liam. “You are the Antichrist. Everything fits.”
“Pssh… nah.” Liam waved Festus off. “That’s crazy.”
“No, no,” said Raju, “he’s nowhere near that cool.” He turned to Satan to explain. “He just owns a guitar shop.”
But Satan wasn’t looking at Raju. His eyes were fixed on Festus. They were kind of squinty too, like maybe he was posing for a poster for an action movie and needed to convey that sense of cool, jaded apathy that really hot movie stars seem to be so good at.
“The frogs…” said Festus.
Satan’s eyes narrowed a little further.
“The locusts…”
More ocular narrowing occurred.
“The earthquake, the nasty rain…”
At this point Satan was squinting so hard that it wasn’t clear whether he could actually see anything.
“And you set that guy’s head on fire,” said Festus, turning back to face Liam again.
“And the cheese sauce,” said Raju, his eyes wide.
“What?” asked Festus.
“The cheese sauce, dude.”
“I,” said Festus, “have no clue what you’re talking about. None at all.”
“Dude! The fucking cheese sauce! Are you stupid or something? The fucking cheese sauce, dude!”
“You’re right!” said Festus. “The queso! I totally forgot!” That seemed to clench it. “You are the Antichrist!”
“Just because I can make queso appear?” asked Liam. “Which is something I completely deny, by the way.”
“Totally,” said Raju.
“I am not the Antichrist,” said Liam.
The rumbling and shaking got louder.
“You are,” said Festus.
“So,” said Lola, mulling it over. “That story about you and the vice president – that was true?”
Liam shrugged. “This is crazy,” he said to Festus.
Festus pointed to the big, winged guy there in the hall way, and then to the splatted Cadmon. “Crazier than that? Or that?”
“Okay,” said Satan. “Let’s kill him.”
“No!” said Lola. She stepped in front of Liam and brandished the gun at Satan. The building stopped shaking.
A wry smile came over Liam’s face. “You’d defend me against the Devil himself?”
“Well, yeah,” she said, returning the smile.
“How about me?” asked Raju. “Would you defend my honor, too?”
Lola slapped him.
“You are the Antichrist,” said Festus. He spun to face Satan. “I’m right, aren’t I?”
Satan nodded. “We should kill him.”
“No!” said Lola.
“Alright,” said Liam. “Let’s just say, for the sake of argument, that I am.”
“You are,” said Festus.
“Fine,” said Liam. “Okay, so what do I do?”
“Probably die,” said Satan.
“Other than that?”
Satan crossed his arms, put his chin in his hand, and sighed. “I don’t know.” He cogitated, his lips pursed intensely. “Probably best just to go ahead die. I’m happy to help.”
“Wait,” said Festus. “When does this … stuff happen?”
“What do you mean?” asked Liam.
“It’s when you’re angry, or upset, right?”
“Sure,” Liam nodded. He heaved a weary sigh. “Yeah, you know, weird stuff happens when I get pissed.”
“Ooh!” said Satan. “I can help with that. Watch this.” He made some horsey breathing sounds. “Helps,” he said in between breaths. “Totally.”
Liam, Lola, Festus, and Raju just stared at the hyperventilating Lord of the Underworld. He stared back. Liam, Lola, and even Festus immediately found other, much more interesting things to stare at. Raju kept on staring.
“Dude,” he said, “what the fuck are you doing?”
Satan’s respiratory distress came to an immediate and abrupt halt. “It is,” he said, lingering on the hissing sibilant, “an anger management exercise.”
“Oh,” said Raju. He nodded, and stuck out his lower lip. “Cool.”
“Okay,” said Festus, “so don’t get angry. Or control your anger. Try breathing, like Satan says.”
“But I’m not angry right now. Kind of tense, I guess, but not angry.” The floor started shaking again as if to emphasize his point.
“Hmm…” said Festus. He glanced at Satan.
Satan held up his hands as if Festus were about to shoot. “You know what I think.”
“I guess,” said Liam, “that lately I’ve been feeling … I don’t know … out of sorts. Like something just isn’t right. I thought I was depressed.”
“Yeah?” asked Festus. “For how long?”
Satan rolled his eyes and sighed impatiently.
“I told you!” said Raju, finally recovered from Lola’s most recent beat down. “I told you! I said your chakras all fucked up! Didn’t I? Didn’t I?” He eyed everyone in turn. “Didn’t I?”
“Raju, shut up!” said Liam, Lola, and Festus.
“Yes,” said Satan. “Please shut up.”
Lola regarded Liam for a moment, and then tucked the pistol back into the waist of her pants and stepped over to where he stood. She lifted her hand, placed it on his cheek, and stared straight into his eyes. They stood like that for several seconds.
“Dude,” said Raju. “What’s—?”
“It’s your choice,” said Lola. “You have to choose.”
He stared at her.
“It’s your choice,” she said.
She leaned in and gave him a soft kiss.
Liam stared at her for a moment, and then a look of recognition spread over his face. He smiled, leaned in, and kissed her back.
“Dude,” said Raju. “That’s awesome. But wait, what are we going to do about—” And then the rumbling stopped.
“It’s done,” said Satan.
“What?” asked Raju. “That’s it.” He looked to Festus for support, but Festus was lost in his own thoughts.
“Neither shall he regard the God of his fathers, nor the desire of women, nor regard any god: for he shall magnify himself above all,” said Festus.
“What the fuck does that mean?” asked Raju.
“It means,” said Festus, “that there is no Antichrist here.”
“What? Because she kissed him?” asked Raju. “That’s so fucking gay!”
“No, it isn’t,” said Satan.
“That’s the prophecy,” said Festus.
“Dude…” said Raju. “Dude!” He looked around, as if he were searching for something. “What if—? What if
I
were the Antichrist. Can I get a kiss? Please?”
“Hush,” said Satan.
They all stood there for a moment. The floor and walls were still and quiet.
“So,” said Lola. “That’s it?”
“Yes,” said Satan. “I think it is.” He smiled. “Now,” he said, “would anyone else like to get some ice cream?”
About the Author
The author lives in Texas, and is the proud father of three little clones. He likes mashed potatoes and shiny stuff.
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