Authors: Lindsay Paige
10
Jake
Between school, work, and hockey, I have been busy. But I still have time to think about Emily. I miss her like crazy.
My heart is ripped to shreds. It's only been a few days, but it feels so much longer. My fingers have lingered over the talk button on my phone, but I haven't dared call her. Drake is upset with me over the situation with Emily and myself. However, he cheers up when Dad drops him off for a day with Emily.
When I get a phone call from Mike, I know I must do something. He informs me that Emily walks around like an unsmiling zombie and doesn't speak unless spoken too.
She's not speaking verbally, but, according to Drake, she is quite the texter. Most likely to the girls, but it could very well be Kyle.
We are broken up, I guess. So she can see whomever she'd like. Talk to whomever she'd like. Be with whomever she'd like. That person obviously isn't me. I haven't so much as seen her at one of my games, much less talked to her.
I think of how I've been spending my time lately. A list forms in my head.
1.
Thinking of Emily
2.
Working
3.
Wishing I was with Emily
4.
Playing hockey
5.
School
6.
Thinking of Emily and wishing I was with her
She is my Sweetness and I haven't spoken with her in days. The soothing sounds of Clay Walker's song Fall fill my ears as I drive home from the store. A plan begins to form in my head.
I text Emily and ask her to come over because we need to talk and get this settled. I sit in the middle of my bed with my legs open in a V-like manner and have my iHome ready to go. Soon, the door opens and my beautiful Emily slowly walks inside. She closes it behind her and waits by the door.
“
Come here,” I instruct with a voice full of authority.
She walks over to the bed and sits on the edge.
“
No. Here.”
I point to the spot in-between my legs. Emily does so and tenses as my hands rest on her shoulders. I bring my lips close to her ear and tell her, “Listen to every single word of this song.” Leaning over, I press play.
“
Oh, look, there you go again
Puttin' on that smile again.
Even though I know you've had a bad day.”
The song repeats and we listen again. I begin to massage her shoulders in an attempt to make her loosen up.
T
he fourth time, she leans into me, her tense shoulders at ease. Fifth time the song plays, she cradles one side of my face with a hand. Tears stream down her cheeks.
The past several days of not even being able to touch her near a bout killed me. I stop kneading her shoulders and wrap my arms around her waist. For an hour, we sit and listen to that song repeatedly. Emily leans over and presses the stop button on the iHome. She turns in my arms and I cradle her.
“
Thank you,” is all she says.
Once her body stops convulsing with hiccups from crying, I start talking.
“
I've missed you. How have you been?”
“
Terrible. I thought that if I submerged myself in my guilt and grief, I would be able to find a stopping point somewhere to begin to heal. If only I'd realized sooner that coming back to you was the answer. I've missed you so much.”
“
Does this mean...” I want so badly to say it, but I'm scared of being denied.
“
Yes,” Emily answers weakly. “Let's go to my house. There's something I want to share with you.”
Emily leads me to her house. We decide to walk instead of driving. It brings us back to our roots, where everything started. Mike's out of the house when we get there and Emily takes me straight to her room. I sit on the bed and watch her walk over to her suitcase. As she fumbles with the things inside, I look around her room.
It's different from the last time I saw it. Only a few pictures remain on the wall. The rest are in a stack on her nightstand. Before I can begin to wonder if she looks through them before going to sleep, Emily is taking a seat next to me. In her lap is a box.
Slowly, Emily's slender fingers open it. I place a hand on her lower back seeing that she is having a hard time sharing this with me. Reaching inside the box, Emily pulls out a teddy bear. A tear splashes onto its nose.
“
I bought this for the baby. I wanted the baby to have something soft to cuddle with when he or she went to sleep. The reason I haven't shared this with you is because it was one of the only tangible things I had left of the baby. Being selfish, I wanted to keep it to myself. There's this too.”
A white onesie rests in my lap. Tears form and fall over as I read the words written on the shirt.
I have the World's Greatest Daddy.
My heart breaks at the sight and inside I feel hollow.
“
It was supposed to be a surprise.”
I turn to Emily and wrap her in my arms. We both shed tears on one another's shoulders. Today marks the fifth month since the miscarriage. Tears fall like a flood and I don't think they will ever stop.
“
Thank you Emily.”
“
I love you Jake. I'm glad you texted me. The thought of having to go through today without you was worrying me.”
“
I'm always here. Even when I'm physically not, you can always find me in here.” I touch the place over her heart.
Emily bites her lip and instantly, I know something still isn't sitting right with her.
“
What is it,” I ask tilting her head up so she looks at me.
“
You know there is nothing between Kyle and me, right?”
“
I know.”
“
Jake, I'm so sorry. Now, I can see that I was being selfish. I love you so much. Can you forgive me?”
“
Of course I can, Sweetness,” I confirm.
“
And you and Eve?”
Her eyes stare into the depths of my own, searching for the answer she so desperately wants to hear. I furrow my eyebrows in thought, wondering how she knows Eve.
“
I met her at one of your games.”
“
You've been to my games?”
“
Of course.”
“
She is just someone I talk to Emily. Like how you talk to Kyle.”
Emily leans into me. The words I spoke to her the night I left weigh on my shoulders.
“
I'm sorry for what I said, Sweetness.”
“
Let's just move on.”
“
I should get going. I'm supposed to take Drake to the movies today. I'll see you soon,” I say with a kiss on the forehead.
“
Tell Drake I miss him. Be careful.”
“
I will.”
I give her a bear hug and hold her for about a minute. When I release her and turn to walk out, she stops me.
“
I know that kiss on my forehead was
not
your kiss goodbye.”
Chuckling, I return to Emily and give her the goodbye kiss she is looking for.
11
Emily
Still thinking about the kiss an hour later, I've finally accepted that the baby is gone. It wasn't the right time and it was no one's fault. There's nothing wrong with remembering the baby, but it shouldn't consume me. How am I going to fulfill my promise of living life to the fullest with Jake if I am lost in grief?
I have learned something from all of this. Grief is this massive boulder that weighs you down until it eventually squishes you. Having that weight sitting on you makes everything harder. It's harder to breathe, harder to move, and harder to live.
What I was trying to do was hold the grief on my shoulders all on my own. Jake and I both lost something that day. Together is how we should have handled it, instead of trying to do so separately. The thoughts are pushed away as a knock sounds at my door.
“
Come in,” I call.
It's my dad. He sits on my bed as I sit upright.
“
How's it goin', hon?”
“
Better. I truly feel better. As if I can move on with my life.”
For the first time, that thought doesn’t feel like a blow at my baby. I can move on and still think about him or her. Dad wraps me in a hug and I feel comfort radiate from his body into mine.
“
Good. You have some guests.”
As if on cue, Drake and Jake walk in. With one brother on each side of me, I couldn't be happier.
“
Are you going to have Thanksgiving with us?” Drake asks.
“
We could all have Thanksgiving together,” my dad tells him.
Drake's smile lights up and I'm so happy to see him. However, it has been days since I've been with Jake.
“
Dad, why don't you and Drake go play some games?”
“
Sure thing.”
They walk out of my room talking about what they would play. I lift up my covers for Jake to climb between. I cuddle against him and want nothing more than to feel his naked body against mine. My hand slips under Jake's plain white tee and roams over his stomach. Oh how I missed the heat that rises from his body like steam. When I look up at Jake, love shines from his eyes.
The half of my heart that is Jake’s begins to brighten from its dimming state. Stitches begin to sew my heart back together and cover up any holes. I feel whole and at peace again. All thanks to this man before me. Leaning forward, my lips brush against Jake before slamming against his.
The sweet taste of Jake enchants me as his tongue hugs mine. Jake grabs the back of my neck to pull me closer to him. It's as if our kisses are cups of water after thirsting for days. My stomach quivers as Jake's hot tongue runs over the sweet spot below my ear before shaking with pleasure as he begins to suck on my skin. Heat burns a path down to the center of my legs and there's nothing more I want than Jake filling me.