When Good Kids Have Sex

This book is an adapted chapter from
When
Good Kids Do Bad Things - A Survival Guide for Parents of Teenagers.
This is
volume 7 of the When Good Kids Do Bad Things series.

Liaisons - Dangerous and Otherwise
Double Messages
What Parents Can Do
Sex Talk
Irresponsible Sex: Dangers
Keep the Door Open
Same-Sex Love
Also By Katherine Gordy Levine

When it comes to the earth-moving power of sex, your power as a parent is inherently
fragile. Consider, if you will, selected scenes from your own adolescence.

For David (my husband) and me, the foster-child years (12 years and almost 400 teens)
brought the virginal, the non-virginal, and the promiscuous. Much of our vigilance
was devoted to preventing sexually active teenagers from making babies or acquiring
sexually transmitted diseases. After only two months of this intense worrying, however,
we learned the first of many, many lessons about the limits of our control.

Blond, beautiful Michelle, fourteen, was our teacher. Shoo-in for the Levine Spoiled
Brat of the Year Award, she was self-centered, boring, hypercritical, and obsessed
with her looks. Imagine the young Marilyn Monroe with the handicap of growing up
rich and pampered. She was not easy to like.

Nevertheless, as you might expect, the boys in the house forgave her personality
flaws. Though she seemed indifferent and mattered on incessantly about her mature
boyfriends, they did not give up the chase.

One day, I made a surprising discovery. The house was sparkling and the kids were
on their best behavior for our annual Levine Open House, attended by lots of social
workers, community people, and officials. In the midst of the festivities, Michelle
suddenly came over and nervously pulled me aside.

"Kathy, you have to get me an appointment with Planned Parenthood. You have to do
it right now."

"Good grief, Michelle, there are fifty people crawling all over the house and garden.
If you're pregnant, why didn't you tell me yesterday or the day before? Why right
now? You're just going to have to wait. I'll make a doctor's appointment tomorrow."

"You don't understand, Kathy. Sammy and I just had sex. Now I feel sick, and I'm
sure I'm pregnant. I want an abortion, and I want it today."

With more than a hint of exasperation, I replied, "Michelle, you and Sammy were
helping in the kitchen only five minutes ago. And now you tell me you just had sex?"

"Do you think I'd lie about this? We went into the pantry and did it standing up.
It never takes more than a few minutes, you know. We stood against the door so no
one could come in. Now I feel sick to my stomach, and I better get a test right
away, or I'll tell all these people what happened."

The blackmail didn't work. I convinced Michelle that the feeling in her stomach
probably came from an overdose of chocolate cake and soda. As it turned out, she
wasn't pregnant, although she was inspired to go to Planned Parenthood and get herself
some birth control pills.

But the important lesson for the Levines was that scene in the pantry. Lesson One:
"It" only takes a minute. Parents who think they know where their kids are and what
their kids are doing should probably think again. Your watchfulness cannot ensure
pregnancy prevention.

Now, more than ever, the facts of life are linked with a fact of parental life:
your control is limited and is, in some areas, nonexistent. You might be able to
influence your child's decisions about things sexual, but you cannot reasonably
hope for more than influence.

Was life really easier, once upon a time? That's the myth, at any rate. Sex education,
especially for girls, could be summed up in one word: Don't. Boys were supposed
to try; girls earned respect by saying no. Then, according to the myth, everything
changed, and virginity became an embarrassing burden, to be shed as soon as possible.
Suddenly, the girl who said no was suspect. Then along came AIDS, so that even in
the fast paced new century, the good girl vs the bad girl has not changed much.
Girls who do still are seen by many as what were called in my day "Sluts" and boys
doing the same as "Studs." Being a stud was an accolade.

Boys are not so damaged by the double standard that sees girls as fallen and boys
as doing what boys becoming men are expected to do. Sexual freedom has its hidden
dangers for boys as well as girls.

Fathers Don't Always Know Best

Kelvin, with his red hair, freckles, and snub nose, looked like the kind of kid
who gets caught stealing apples in a Walt Disney movie - mischievous, but good as
gold. When he asked to speak to me privately one night, however, I learned that
he'd been tasting another kind of forbidden fruit. His thirteen-year-old girlfriend
had just told him she thought she was pregnant, and I was about to learn another
lesson: new meanings of the old Double Standard.

"What do I do?" he stammered, unwittingly asking a question guaranteed to irk any
woman.

"You do nothing," I snapped, "except help your girlfriend decide what she wants
to do."

"But she wants an abortion," he whined. "In fact, she says she's getting an abortion
no matter what I want. But abortion's murder. It's a sin."

"Kelvin, not everyone would agree that an abortion is murder, but you don't have
a say in this. It is up to her." His eyes widened as if I had begun to molt. "Nature
set it up that way. The baby is in her body, not yours."

"It's not fair," he said finally, and he stomped out of the room.

Thus was opened the door to many heated discussions in our household. Boys and girls
alike had strong and diverse opinions about boys' sexual responsibilities. Some
of my foster sons would say, "It's her problem," if a girlfriend's period was late.
Some would affect indifference: "It's probably not my baby." But the majority worried
just as much as their partners did about the possibility of pregnancy.

Just worrying, though, was not enough, in my view. The boy ought to be willing to
do something about the problem. That became one of my criteria for helping a youngster
decide whether or not he was ready to become sexually active. Here's how I put it:

"Most teenagers get more pain than pleasure from sex. Don't laugh. Just look around
you. But if you really think you are old enough to have sex, I think you ought to
prove it - I mean, get birth control, and use it!"

Personally, I don't think the majority of teenagers are mature enough to handle
sexual intimacy and its consequences. Certainly Kelvin and his girlfriend weren't,
although he gradually learned to face the reality of his personal situation. For
the record, he came to understand that he had to become sexually responsible if
he didn't want to be partner to an abortion. He decided that obeying the dictates
of his religious belief probably meant that he had to abstain from sex before marriage.

Most of my foster kids were not eager to choose that option. And I myself do not
believe that sex, however immaturely handled, is bad. Having sex is not on my list
of the bad things good kids do, unless it is irresponsible sex.

For some people, "irresponsible sex" is defined as "sex before marriage."

To me, there are other definitions:

• Just letting sex happen, rather than consciously making the choice to become sexually
  active.
  
• Not using birth control, when you cannot support and do not want a baby.
  
• Neglecting to protect yourself from disease.
  
• Exploiting someone else.
  

If you're a parent who believes premarital sex is wrong, some of the advice that
follows will still be helpful to you. I support your right to your values. But in
a society that constantly advertises the glories of sex, an excessive emphasis on
chastity may create more problems than it prevents.

Here's the double message: the ads promote sexual bliss; family and authority figures
promote chastity. Confused, most teenagers do not make a conscious choice to have
sex. Kelvin and his girl, for example, considered sex "bad," so they were not prepared.
After five months of steady dating, the afternoon came when they became "carried
away" in their lovemaking. Remorseful afterward, they vowed never to do "it" again.
But the girl was not a virgin and a restraint had been removed. The next time was
easier, and the next, and the next.

The excuse of being swept away, however legitimate, eases a teenager's guilt about
wanting to do the forbidden. It does not allow time for responsible preparations
for sex. Like many adolescent boys, Kelvin let desire suppress conscience. He was
not purposely exploiting his girlfriend. For girls, too, getting carried away wipes
out individual responsibility. Harvard's Jerome Kagan believes that this kind of
thinking is part of the cultural landscape: "Americans believe that being overwhelmed
by a feeling justifies whatever actions flow from that feeling."

At least Kelvin really did care about his girlfriend. He was able to learn responsibility.
Far too many adolescent boys cannot see farther than the double standard that is
as alive and destructive today as it was when I was growing up.

Double Standard, Double Bind

Clarissa's parents were sure they were doing the right thing. Because both had had
positive sexual experiences before their marriage, they talked carefully with their
daughter about responsible sex. At thirteen, she felt good about herself, comfortable
with her body and its changes. She decided then that she would be like the heroine
of Judy Blume's novel, Forever. Sure, she'd have sex before marriage, but she'd
be in love, she'd be protected, she'd be smart.

At fifteen, when her gynecologist referred her to me for counseling, Clarissa was
severely depressed. Three months before, she had had an abortion. The teenage father,
Eric, no longer found her as desirable as when she had refused to sleep with him.
When she walked into my office, every aspect of Clarissa seemed downcast: shoulders
sagged, mouth drooped, eyes constantly filled with tears.

"I dream night and day about my baby, about the baby I murdered," she finally managed
to say. "Mom and Dad have been super, Mom tells me over and over that I didn't really
murder a baby, but I keep thinking about what might have been - and I can't get
rid of that thought. I could be having a baby in another couple of months. I even
dream I'm still pregnant. I wish I had it to do all over again."

"What would you do differently?" I asked softly.

For a brief moment, anger flashed through the misery in her eyes. "I'd say no. No
sex until I'm ready to have a baby. And if the boy can't wait, then goodbye, boy!"

Her story was not remarkable. She and Eric had dated for six months, gradually growing
closer emotionally and physically. When he gave her his class ring, she decided
to implement the plan she made at thirteen, but her gynecologist could not schedule
her right away. One night, when waiting proved too much, knowledgeable Clarissa
and her first serious boyfriend made love - with great passion, without protection.

They slept together three more times, using condoms. Clarissa was ecstatically happy,
but Eric suddenly announced that they were getting too deeply involved. He wanted
to date other people. In fact, he had been dating someone else all along. They were
"going steady" when Clarissa discovered she was pregnant. She never told Eric about
their baby.

Today, after dealing with her grief for the baby, her own loss of innocence, and
the devastating blow to her faith in all-consuming romantic love, Clarissa is doing
just fine. She has decided for herself that the abortion was not an act of murder.
She was also helped by writing a letter to Eric, following my advice, that calmly
and clearly held him accountable for behavior that was sexually irresponsible, emotionally
abusive, and exploitative. (What effect that letter had on Eric remains unknown;
Clarissa was the third girl he jilted after a few months of romance led to intercourse.)

Even the Erics of the world, of course, are being influenced today by the advent
of AIDS. In most middle-class communities, teenagers agree that condoms are "in".
At one suburban high school, a clique of fifteen-year-olds celebrates birthdays
by giving the honoree a year's supply of condoms. But you can't rely on adolescent
fear of AIDS to ensure that your child protects herself in every sexual encounter.
She's immortal, remember, and passion is an excuse for almost anything.

Define your goal.

Decide how you hope to achieve it.

For example, do you want your son to remain virginal until marriage? Despite the
permissive sexual attitudes that seem prevalent in our society, you can be successful.

Look at how some fundamentalist religious sects manage to keep their children chaste.
They create an environment in which all adults agree to teach their kids that intercourse
is a holy act permissible only when sanctioned by marriage. Generally, they keep
boys and girls segregated and busy, but also provide safe forms of physical release.
Hassidic Jews practice lots of unisex dancing that is both physically fulfilling
and spiritually uplifting. Such activity can redirect sex drives and encourage chastity,
and children will feel a strong satisfaction in doing only what family, friends,
and the group's leaders view as good and right.