When Heaven Weeps (11 page)

Janjic held himself in a distinguished manner—he could slip into the perfect professional sheen when the occasion demanded it. But beneath his new American skin the Serbian she had known could hardly hide. At least not from her. She saw the way he nonchalantly smoothed his right eyebrow when he was impatient, as he did now. And the way his mouth curved in a gentle but set grin when he politely disagreed. As it did now.

He'd filled out over the years and he'd always stood much taller than her, but under the commanding facade he was still a young man, looking for escape. His face was well aged for thirty-eight years—the war and five years in prison were mostly responsible. It didn't matter, he was still strikingly handsome. Crow's-feet already wrinkled the skin around his eyes from his constant smiling. His dark blond hair swept back, graying above his ears and curled at his collar. The white American shirts with their ties always looked a little silly on him, she thought. For all her fussing over him, Karen obviously disagreed.

Ivena watched Janjic shift his hazel eyes around the table, taking in their stares. Roald Barns, the president of the North American Evangelical Association, and the man who had brought them to this country five years earlier, sat opposite him.

“I think what Frank means,” Roald said, motioning to the boxy man next to him, “is that we have an obligation to excellence.
The Dance of the Dead
has sold more than any religious book in this century. Excluding the Bible, of course. And that means it's become an extension of Christianity, so to speak. A voice to the lost world. It's important to keep that voice pure. I'm sure Jan would agree to that.”

“Yes, of course,” Jan said.

These evangelical leaders had come to honor him and to judge him in one fell swoop, Ivena thought—all dressed in starched white shirts and black ties. God forbid Janjic ever become a carbon copy of these men.

Ivena had held her tongue long enough while these men spoke their rounds of wisdom. She decided it was time to speak. “It really depends on what voice you're trying to keep pure, doesn't it, Frank?” she asked.

All heads turned to face her. “The message of the book,” Frank said. “The message of the book needs to remain pure. And the lives of we who proclaim that message, of course.”

“And what is the message of the book?” Ivena returned.

“Well, I think we already know the message of the book.”

“Yes, but indulge me. Janjic tells me that it's my story as well as his. So then what does this story tell you about God's relationship with man?”

The leaders exchanged glances, off balance by her sudden challenge.

“It's the story of innocent bloodshed,” Bob Story said to her left. The short, round evangelical leader shifted in his seat. “The death of martyrs, choosing death instead of renouncing Christ. Wouldn't you say?”

“In part, yes, that summarizes some of what happened. But what did the story
teach
you gentlemen? Hmm? I want to know because, unless I'm missing the tone of the past ten minutes, you are more concerned with protecting the image of the church than spreading the message of the martyrs. I believe you think that you have a flawed spokesman in Janjic, and it terrifies you.”

The room suddenly felt hollowed of air. Janjic looked at her as if she'd lost her senses. But then she was right, and they all knew it. They loved the success of his book, but they did take exception to him now and then.

“True, yes? Janjic has written a magnificent book called
The Dance of the Dead
and he's been embraced by a world hungering for the unadulterated truth. But Janjic's just an ordinary man. An excellent writer, obviously, but a man with his share of flaws. Perhaps a man with
more
than his share of flaws, considering the scars the war has left on his heart. And now that he's been chosen by the world as a spokesman for your Christianity, you're quite nervous. Am I wrong?”

They stared at her unblinking.

A hotel waiter entered the conference room, perhaps to offer desserts, but with one look around the table, he thought better of it and turned on his heels. The air conditioner hummed behind Ivena, spilling cool air over her neck.

Roald was the first to recover. “I think I can speak for the group when I say that we have complete confidence in Jan. But you're right, Ivena. He has been chosen by the world, as you say. Although not without our help, I might add.” They chuckled. “And he is a spokesperson for the church. Frank's correct—by virtue of his own success Jan has a unique set of standards, I would say. Not unlike any other role model—a sports hero, for example. To whom much is given, much is required.”

Barney Givens cleared his throat. “I think Roald's right. We're not questioning God's work in either of your lives. It's a wonderful thing, more than any one of us could ask for. Your book, Jan, has done as much for this country's spiritual health as Billy Graham's crusades are doing. Don't take us wrong. But you have to remember that you do represent the church, son. The eyes of the world are on you. You have our honor, but you also have our caution.”

“I didn't ask to represent the church,” Janjic said. “I had God in mind when I wrote the book. Have I caused a specific offense, or are we just playing with words? I'm feeling schooled here.”

“Nonsense,” Frank said. “We're simply cautioning you to watch your step, Jan. You have a wonderful personality, young man, but you do tend to fly off the handle at times. I understand how difficult it must be to live with the memories of the war; I survived the battlefields of World War I myself. But that doesn't change our responsibility to hold the highest standard. Now's the time to consider pitfalls—not after you've stumbled into them.”

“And how many women or children did you see butchered in your war? How many years did you spend in prison?”

“I'm not referring to stress from the war, and you know it. I'm talking about moral pitfalls, Jan. Any questionable appearance. It would reflect badly on the church.”

“We're just cautioning you,” Ted Rund said. “You've been known to be rather unorthodox. I, for one, couldn't be more pleased over what's happened, my friend. But you're speaking for the church now. You've been on virtually every television show in the country. We're in times of upheaval. The moral state of our country is under a full-throttled assault and the church is being scrutinized under a new light. You're one of our most effective spokesmen. We're simply holding you accountable.”

Jan leaned back and tapped his fingers on the table. They were obviously not telling him everything.

“What did I do? Tell me how I offended you,” Jan said.

Roald and Frank looked at each other, but it was Frank who answered. “What you did was call our character into question last week in front of two million viewers.”

“
Your
character? You mean with Walter Cronkite?” Jan asked incredulously. “He asked if the church today understands the love of Christ. I said no. You found that offensive?”

“I believe ‘not at all' were the words you chose. And yes,
our
character. We represent the church; the church represents Christ's love, and you have the gall to say on a national show that we don't understand that love. You don't think that undermines the leadership?”

Ivena interrupted them quietly. “You still haven't answered my question, gentlemen. What is the real message of Janjic's book?”

They looked at her dumbly, as if her mind were not functioning properly.

“Let me tell you then,” she said. “The message is that God loves man passionately. That one moment with God is worth death. He gave his own life for nothing less. I'm not sure any of you has learned the nature of God's love yet.”

Except for the sound of Bob Story's spoon clinking through his coffee the room fell to silence. They had come from all over the country for a conference in Atlanta and carved out a few hours in Janjic's honor; surely they had not expected this. Jan looked at Roald and offered that set grin of his, as if to say,
“She's right— you know she is
.” Roald held Jan's eyes for a full second and then looked at Ivena.

“I think that Ivena's right,” he said. “We're all learning about God's love. Ivena has simply expressed this truth in a way that's as unique as Jan's story. And please do not misunderstand us; we are thrilled at the work God has done with
The Dance of the Dead.
I think my own effort speaks for itself. We just ask you to be cautious, Jan. You've risen among the ranks, so to speak. A lot of people look to your example. Just watch your step, that's all. What do they say? ‘Don't bite the hand that feeds you'?”

Several of them chuckled. Ivena thought about telling them that Janjic did not need their hands, but she thought better of it.

Jan nodded. “Good enough. Point taken.” That seemed to satisfy them.

“I propose a toast,” Roald said. He pushed his spectacles up on his nose. “To
The Dance of the Dead
. May she live forever.”

They drank to a chorus of “Amens.” Surely they must know that in reality, the life of Janjic's bestseller was nearing an end. It had soared high and far, but the story had run its course over the last five years, a fact that brought Ivena pause in light of their conversation. Why were Roald and this conservative bunch so concerned about Jan's image now?

The meeting disbursed ten minutes later with firm handshakes and one last round of affirmations. The leaders were off, leaving Jan alone with Ivena in the empty room. The sounds of laughter swept in through the open door; the party was winding down.

“I should be leaving now, Janjic.”

“So soon? And you haven't even congratulated me yet.”

Ivena reached a hand to his cheek. “Congratulations, my dear Serb.” She smiled. “I'm sure she will make you very happy.”

“Thank you. Would you like Steve to take you home?”

“I'll take a cab.”

“Then I'll walk you.”

JAN SKIRTED the party and walked Ivena to the street. Not until they were outside did Janjic confront her about the exchange in the room. “You really think that was the best time to question their spiritual sensibilities, Ivena?”

“It was perhaps the
only
time. I don't run with them every day.”

“Of course, but you were pretty direct. Actually I shouldn't complain—I think it played in my favor.”

“And how is that, Janjic?”

“Compared to you they see that I'm a gentle breeze. I may have brief periods of disorientation and grab the nearest telephone pole at the sound of a car's backfire, but at least I don't line the country's top religious leaders up and school them in the love of Christ.” He chuckled and then cleared his throat.

“When we return to Bosnia they will be a distant memory,” she said.

“I'm happy in America. You're happy in America. Why do you cling to this silly notion of returning to the land that nearly killed us both?”

“It's a notion that won't fade. We will see, Janjic.”

She wasn't sure if the hunch they would one day return to see her daughter's grave one last time came from her own latent desires or if there was more at work there, and she'd given up trying to discern three years ago.

“I'm not sure Karadzic would take my return too kindly. I've turned him into an infamous monster.”

“A reputation well deserved,” she said.

They walked for the curb.

“I had the dream again last night,” he said. “It was so vivid.”

She glanced up at him. He'd had the same dream every few nights for twenty years now—the nightmare the psychiatrists liked to blame on the war. But she had her own ideas. She stopped and turned to him.

“Tell it to me.”

“You know it. There's nothing new.”

“Tell it to me again. It will help you.”

He swallowed. “Okay. I'm in a pitch-black room, strapped to a wooden beam behind me. It's the same: I can't see anything, but I can feel everything—the ropes digging in, the sweat leaking down my naked body. I think I am being crucified.”

He stopped and breathed deep. Then he continued. “I can hear my own breathing, in long ragged pulls, echoing as if I'm in a chamber. That's all I can hear, and it terrifies me. It stays like that for a long time, as if I'm suspended between life and death.” He blinked. “And then the lights are thrown on. And I'm not in a dungeon; I'm staring at a white field.” He stopped and looked down at her.

“And that's where it always ends.” She stated it rather than asked it.

“Yes. And it means nothing to me.”

She reached up and rubbed his arm. He nervously ran his fingers through his hair. “The doctors may be right; maybe it's only my mind playing tricks, pretending to be Father Micheal on the cross.”

“Those doctors are full of nonsense. Take it from me; the dream has meaning beyond this world. I'm sorry I can't tell you what that is, but one day we will know. I'm certain of it.”

“Maybe you're right.”

“Perhaps the dream speaks more to what you have
not
experienced than to what you have, hmmm?”

“Meaning what?”

“Meaning that there's still more to learn about love, Janjic. Meaning that
The Dance of the Dead
only tells part of the story. God knows you have more to learn of love.”

He looked at her with mild surprise. “As do we all. But now you're suggesting that I haven't learned the lesson of the priest, right alongside of Roald?”

“Not necessarily. But I do worry for you at times, Janjic. Sometimes I wonder if you've become more like those around you than they've become like you. You defend the truth with vigorous words, but your life is changing.”

Now his mild surprise was accompanied by a blink. “You really think so?”