When I Lost You: A Gripping, Heart Breaking Novel of Lost Love. (17 page)

‘
I
’m taking
you somewhere positive today,’ I tell Leo when I arrive at his room the next afternoon.

‘There were
lots
of things that were positive about yesterday,’ he replies, and he winks at me as he switches his Kindle off. I know he’s talking about the kiss that I should never have initiated, and I flush.

‘I’m sure there were, but perhaps not the part where the wife you barely remember virtually drowned you in tears for no apparent reason,’ I mutter.

‘Actually, yesterday I felt like a man supporting his wife instead of a useless invalid.’ I try to think of a profound way to respond to that, but Leo saves me. ‘It’s not
all
about you, you know,’ he teases. I smile in spite of myself.

‘Where are we going today then?’ he asks.

‘I think it’s time I show you the Foundation.’

‘Ah, the famous Foundation that I know almost nothing about, other than the fact that Tobias works there. Who I
also
know nothing about.’

Sarcasm
,
again. I draw in a breath, hold it while I count to five, then release it. ‘I am trying to help you with that, Leo.’

‘There’s no need to be defensive, I was just making a joke.’ The casual dismissiveness of his statement is fuel to the fire of my irritation.

‘Well, it’s not something you should––’ I start sharply, but he reaches out and takes my hand, and the gesture surprises me into silence. I try to tug my hand away, but he holds it with determination.

‘Molly,’ he says, gently. ‘I am only trying to poke fun at my situation. I am well aware
that it’s not actually funny – I hate every second of this. I am just trying to keep things light. Please, don’t think that means I’m not appreciative of everything you are doing for me.’

I sigh and tug at my hand one last time. Leo releases it, but he watches me closely. ‘Should we go?’

‘Not yet.’ He lifts his hand and points towards his lips. His eyes are on mine. ‘Well, you just got stroppy with me, so I think we need to kiss and make up before we go anywhere.’

I bend to kiss him stiffly. ‘There,’ I say, but before I can rise, he lifts his hands to very gently cup my face, sliding his fingers into the hair behind my ears. He used to kiss me like that
all
the time, holding me close, as if our lips connecting weren’t enough contact for him.

‘I know you still like to kiss me – you showed me that last night. Let’s do it properly,’ he whispers, and then he leans forward and kisses me very tenderly. It’s awkward because I’m bending down to reach him, but the gentle movement of his lips against mine softens the last of my irritation. He does not release my face as he kisses me; instead, he maintains a gentle hold on the back of my head. When he breaks away after a moment, he brushes his thumb over my cheek. ‘Truce?’

‘Okay,’ I whisper back weakly. I feel as if my heart is going to beat its way out of my chest. He’s right – I do still like kissing him. I have always loved the feel of his mouth against mine. When I am close to him, his scent instantly makes me feel safe – it’s the very reason I used to put off washing the sheets on our bed when he travelled.

‘We should go,’ I say. I don’t want to be as affected by the kiss as I am and so I overcompensate with a too-tight tone, but I can feel the flush on my cheeks and as I straighten, I feel a little giddy from the intensity of the moment.

I hear the sigh in his voice, but Leo nods towards the door. ‘Lead the way, sweetheart.’

I
’m surprisingly
nervous about showing Leo the work I’ve been doing for the past three years. I don’t do this for him – I do it because I want to make a difference in the world. But it feels so much as if
old
Leo has travelled forward in time to see where I wound up, and regardless of anything else that’s happened between us in the years since, that version of Leo changed my life: I want him to be proud of me.

When we round the corner to the street to the
Redfern Sport and Recreation Centre
, I watch for Leo’s reaction. I see the deep-set frown that crosses his face, and then I see his eyes widen as he realises what he’s seeing. The run-down, ramshackle auditorium that once housed Leo’s gym is gone, as are several buildings that surrounded it. In their place is a new multi-building community centre and behind it, the ultra-modern office block that houses my foundation staff.

When the van pulls to a stop in the disabled parking space at the front of our campus, we’re right next to a series of signs guiding visitors through the maze of modern buildings.

Redfern Sport and Recreation Centre – Sponsored by the Declan Torrington Foundation

‘Holy shit,’ Leo whispers, and he turns to face me. His eyes are wide. ‘You did this?’

‘Not me,’ I say automatically, then I flush. ‘I mean, I run the Foundation but I have a whole team – 
they
did it.’

‘Molly,’ Leo drags his gaze back to the buildings beside us, then back to me. He is as shocked as I have ever seen him. ‘But – how?
Why
?’

‘Do you remember that first night when you brought me here?’ I ask him. Leo frowns as he concentrates, and shakes his head. The driver has stepped out of the van and I see him walking around to open the door. ‘Let’s go inside and look around. Maybe that will prompt some memories.’

A
s we enter
the sports centre I keep a close eye on Leo. He surveys the lobby, and then moves immediately to the room directory near the door. As he reads it, his expression is guarded. I follow him, standing beside him to cast my eye over the facility list.

‘So you said I brought you here?’ he says eventually.

‘Yes. I’d just left TM, and I was pretty upset about the state of things with my parents. I’d been quite depressed for a few weeks… You told me I needed some perspective.’

Leo is still staring at the room directory.

‘You were upset about your job.’

‘My
job
? No, I was upset
because I’d spent years trying to keep my father happy, and in a single night I lost both him and Mum from my life completely. I felt like the rug had been pulled out from under me. Is this ringing any bells?’

‘Well, I’m starting to remember you being upset, but I don’t think I understood why,’ Leo says. His voice is low, and he’s still staring at the facilities list as he concentrates.

‘Maybe that’s my fault. I didn’t want to tell you what I was thinking – I was worried you’d feel guilty,’ I sigh and shrug. ‘Anyway, however it came about, I needed to leave. And faced with a choice between
that
life and a life with you…’ I stop, because I’ve been so focused on watching for Leo’s reaction that I have been speaking without thinking. As I think about the words I have just spoken, a lump forms in my throat. It’s true – there wasn’t a thing in my life I wouldn’t have sacrificed for Leo. Why didn’t he feel that way about me?

‘So… you were upset,’ he says. ‘And I brought you here to give you some “perspective”? I remember saying that,’ he says, then he glances up at me and winces. ‘God, Molly, I’m sorry! What a jerk.’

‘Actually, it all worked out very well, as you’re about to see.’ I turn back to step further into the lobby, and Leo sighs as he follows me. As we approach the basketball courts, automatic doors slide open to let us through. Leo follows me inside and looks around the immense and empty room. ‘You brought me here that night, and I met some of the kids and suddenly my own problems did seem embarrassingly small.’

‘Tell me about that first visit here,’ Leo murmurs. He’s looking around the hall, his face still set in a frown. I see his gaze linger on the electronic scoreboard and the huge air-conditioning vents in the ceiling.

‘Well,
that
night doesn’t actually matter all that much, Leo. There’s a lot to see…’

‘Molly, the last time I remember standing on a basketball court in this centre, the building was a draughty warehouse and we couldn’t afford to replace the backboards on the basketball hoops. Now I’m looking at a state-of-the-art sports centre and it obviously started with you and that night.’ There’s unmistakable frustration in his voice and he holds himself stiffly, as if he’s angry. ‘The last thing I remember is you sulking and me feeling frustrated because I didn’t know how to help you. Fill in the gaps for me.
Please
.’

‘
Sulking
?’ I zero in on the word and it’s like a red flag to a bull. In the same breath, he’s telling me he needs me to help him remember and throwing out an insult like that. I have half a mind to leave him to figure it all out for himself. ‘What was that you were saying ten seconds ago about being an insensitive jerk?’

‘I just said “jerk”,’ he reminds me, and he offers me a slightly pleading smile. ‘You
were
sulking. Maybe you had a good reason to, but that’s still the right word, isn’t it?’

‘I was
grieving
,’
I say. I cross my arms over my chest and stare at him.

‘Okay,
grieving
.
Sorry. Come on, sit down?’

He pushes his chair towards the bleachers without waiting for my response and I sigh and follow him. My shoes squeak on the court surface as I walk. I take a seat at the end of the bottom row of chairs and Leo parks his wheelchair in front of me.

‘So?’ he prompts.

‘You picked me up on the motorbike. It was the first time we rode together.’

That gets a reaction. He leans back in his chair and smiles at me. ‘Did you like it?’

‘Not at first,’ I say. ‘Actually, at first I was annoyed with you because you told me to wear jeans with my running shoes.’

‘Ah,’ he brightens further at this. ‘Yes,
that’s
familiar. Yes, I did, and you told me it was a “crime of fashion”.’

‘It
was
a crime of fashion,’ I laugh softly.

Leo almost squints – he’s concentrating so hard. ‘But you didn’t listen anyway,’ he says slowly, then he closes his eyes for a minute and when he opens them, his eyes are wide with surprise. ‘You were wearing heels and a skirt when I arrived to pick you up.’

‘Well, I didn’t realise you were taking me on the bike. I did get changed eventually.’

‘You sulked about that too,’ Leo says, then grimaces at my automatic glare. ‘Well, you can’t say you were
grieving
over being forced to wear practical clothes.’

I roll my eyes at him. ‘You took me for a ride around the city and eventually you brought me here. Do you remember now?’

‘Keep talking, I’m starting to,’ he murmurs, then chuckles suddenly, ‘Actually, I remember you
squealing
when we came up Cleveland Street.’

‘You were going too fast,’ I protest. ‘I thought I’d fall off.’

‘I liked how tight you held on to me when I sped up,’ he murmurs. Then, ‘Do we still ride together? On the new bike?’

I shake my head and say vaguely, ‘No, I can’t even remember the last time you took it out of storage.’

I am only half-listening to Leo for a moment – totally distracted by memories myself. Although I never lost them, they have been long buried by the creeping chaos of our life together. I suddenly remember sliding myself off his bike at the front of the gym, my legs shaky and my muscles aching, and Leo pulling off my helmet. He smoothed my helmet hair and kissed me, and told me how good it felt to hear me laugh again. I don’t think I’d ever felt quite so cared for before – the way that our feelings had entwined seemed almost mystical. When I was sad, Leo looked pensive and worried. When I smiled, he was happy – and I wanted for him to be happy even more than I wanted to feel better myself.

But then he had turned me towards the Sport and Rec Centre and from the outside the building had seemed so rundown, I wasn’t even sure I wanted to go inside. There had been a group of teenagers mingling around the front doors smoking, a smashed window high on the wall, and layer after layer of graffiti on every conceivable surface. Even in the circle of Leo’s arms I was more out of place in that moment than I had ever been in my entire life.

‘What are you thinking about?’ Leo asks. I glance at him.

‘I haven’t thought about that night in years.’

‘Tell
me
about it,’ he reminds me gently.

‘At first, we just sat and watched a basketball game – your dad was refereeing.’

‘You were uncomfortable here, weren’t you?’

‘I was,’ I admit. ‘I was intimidated.’

Leo frowns again. ‘I remember being frustrated… Angry…’

‘I said some stupid things,’ I sigh. I can barely believe how naive I was in those days. ‘I had no idea. Just being here made me feel guilty at how easy my life had been. As soon as I walked through the door, I was trying to tell you and Drew how things should be done.’

‘Is that what
this
is?’ Leo asks, and he sweeps a broad arc with his hands to indicate the building we are sitting in.

I look at him blankly. ‘What’s that supposed to mean?’

‘The new buildings. Is this what happens when Molly Torrington tries to fix a broken black community?’

I gasp. That stings, and I stare at him, bewildered by the attack. ‘That is not fair, Leo.’

‘It is a fair
question
though, isn’t it? Are you going to tell me you didn’t throw a heap of your own money into this place just to make yourself feel better?’

I sit back against the backrest and stare at him. I think of the thousands of hours I’ve invested in this community in the period Leo has forgotten. This has become my life’s work, and that work has benefited hundreds of people, including the community Leo loves. And all of it – every minute of every hour and every tear I’ve shed when I’ve failed and every drop of sweat I’ve expended – all of it was inspired by Leo, and that brutal wake-up call I’d had that first night he brought me here. I am so incensed at his attitude that I can’t bring myself to speak.

‘Well?’ he prompts.

‘If you’re going to be a bastard, Leo, you can show yourself around the place,’ I snap at him, and rise. ‘I have plenty of work to do. The buildings are all wheelchair accessible, give me a call when you’re done.’

‘Why are you getting so defensive? Can’t I even talk to you about this? I’m not saying you haven’t done good work here – I’m just trying to understand
why
.’