When Life Turned Purple (5 page)

Over the phone, Russ told Evan what he did and the next evening, Russ joined Evan and Edison at the bar after work. He noticed that Evan kept the conversation away from Lia, and away from girls at all.

Russ had just raised his mug of black-and-tan to his lips when he saw Lia stroll in. As she approached, he saw the ring glint from the hand grasping her purse strap.

“Oh, hell,” said Evan, straightening up when he saw Russ’s face change. Edison looked from Evan to Russ, her forehead wrinkling.

“It’s either the giant gremlin-troll mutant,” murmured Evan, “or—” He twisted around to look where Russ was looking and immediately shut his mouth when he saw Lia.

Russ couldn’t move; he just stared as Lia came closer, her head lowered and looking directly at him, a smile hovering on her lips.

She slid in next to Russ and Evan stretched out both hands as if to stop an oncoming train. “Oh, gosh—oh gosh—oh no—oh no—” Evan kept saying.

Still looking Russ right in the eye, Lia held up the hand with the glittering ring.

“I say yes,” she said.

Russ stared at her for a split second, then he jumped to his feet and thrust his mug in the air, not caring that it spilled down his arm.

“SHE SAID
YES
!” he bellowed.

The bar went silent as everyone turned to look at him. When they craned their necks, they saw the ring on Lia’s upright hand and the bar erupted into bellowing cheers and applause.

People crowded around to congratulate them. (“Ooh, I see it’s a pleochroic stone!” said Edison as she leaned forward to admire the ring.) Someone put on the song
So Much in Love
by The Thymes and everyone started singing along.

Evan half rose in his chair and stretched out his palm toward a fat smiling guy with long hair and tattoos. “Hey!” Evan said. “How do people our age know these lyrics?”

With a grin, the guy shrugged at Evan and kept on singing.

Russ sat shoulder to shoulder with Lia, their foreheads almost touching as they gazed at each other.

“I love you, baby,” he said.

She just kept gazing at him, her wide round eyes brimming with liquid violet.

He stared at her lips, then decided against attempting anything with everyone around.

The bartender offered Lia and Russ their choice of drink. Russ ordered a Rusty Nail and Lia ordered an Embassy Cocktail. Then Russ bought a round of drinks for everyone.

***

Russ walked Lia up to her apartment. She unlocked the door and pushed it open, then turned to look up at Russ. Every cell in his body was bursting with anticipation. But she said, “I know this is going to sound harsh, but....” She took a deep breath.

“But, baby,” he said with a pleading smile. “We’re engaged now. It’s just you and me from now on.”

One shoulder hunched up to her ear as she grimaced. “I know. But a lot of times, the engagement just goes on and on,” she said softly. “And sometimes they never get to the wedding. They just break up anyway.”

Russ contemplated Lia. “Okay,” he said. “So how about setting a wedding date for next week?”

She burst out laughing, then grew thoughtful. “You know what? That’s not such a bad idea.”

Yes!

“I know this sounds weird,” she continued, “but I’ve never been one for weddings. I mean, other people’s sure. But my own….it just sounds like such a hassle.” She frowned. “Maybe if I had a normal family, it would be different.” Her face smoothed out. “And deciding who to invite and who won’t mind not getting invited….people would understand if we just eloped, right?”

Russ nodded vigorously.

She smiled. “The one thing I would really want is a wedding gown. I do have a thing for wedding gowns.”

“So get yourself one and then give me a call,” said Russ.

“Really?”

“Absolutely.”

“Well…okay then.”

They made up for Russ to find a judge while Lia searched for a dress.

Then they said their goodbyes and Russ vaulted himself over the banister to the second set of stairs and leaped out the door toward his car.

He found himself humming the song from the bar. High and confident, Russ had no warning that his past was about to crash and burn on him the next day.

The sound of his store door crashing open with its pleasant chime drove Russ’s hand to his gun.

Emma stormed in.

She was flabbier than he remembered, her hair held back in a messy ponytail. Her formerly vibrant blue eyes were pale as if diluted with the whites of her eyes. The skin around them was puffy and pink. Her face was wet from crying and her breathing came in ragged pants.

Russ dropped his hand from his gun, but remained standing, his arms hanging stiffly at his sides.

Panting, Emma staggered toward him, then fell against the counter, holding herself up with her palms on the countertop.

“You horrible, horrible—” she started, then took a trembling breath.

“Hey, easy there,” he said, trying to soothe her, but her face creased into a snarl as she said, “Just—just tell me—is it true you’re getting married?”

Russ wondered if Emma had developed that personality disorder that makes you stalk people and try to hurt them—or even kill them. But Russ had never been afraid of a woman before, and he wasn’t going to start now.

“Yeah,” he said, his voice soft. “I am.”

“But we just broke up three months ago!”

Not sure what she was getting at, he just nodded, making a helpless gesture with his hands.

“Is she pregnant?”

“No.”

“Oh.” Emma looked lost.

“What’s going on, Emma?” he said.

“Why didn’t you marry
me
?” she said, her voice breaking.

His eyes widened as he just stared at her.

“We were together for
seven months
.” Emma shook her head as she stared at him. “I was pregnant with your child. Why didn’t you marry
me
? If you were ready to get married, then why did you do what you did? Why did you have me kill my baby?”

Russ stared at Emma for another moment, then he swallowed hard. “Oh, for—come on, Emma. That’s not how it went and you know it.” He wondered whether this was some harsh hormonal reaction to the abortion.

“I got rid of the baby, and then you didn’t even stay with me—you
left
!”

Russ knew this wasn’t the time to rehash her progressively crazier behavior back then. He wanted to stay with her, but she kept acting crazier and crazier until he just couldn’t take it anymore. He tried to do it like a gentleman, but a dumped girlfriend is still just that—dumped. He shoved one hand in his pocket and rubbed the back of his neck with the other. “I didn’t mean to leave, Emma. I—I’m sorry. I’m sorry things didn’t work out. I’m sorry—I’m sorry I hurt you. I wasn’t trying to hurt you, even though I know that I did.”

She didn’t respond. She just kept staring at him, her mouth gaping open, her eyes wide with pain.

Now he shoved his hands into his pockets and mumbled, “I didn’t know you wanted to get married. Or keep the baby.”

Her eyes narrowed and a whimper escaped her throat. “What?” she whispered. “Well, what do you think I meant when I said that maybe we could stay together and raise the baby ourselves?”

He opened his mouth to speak, then closed it. Then he opened it again and said, “You never mentioned marriage. I didn’t know that’s what you meant. Honestly....”

She sighed and turned away, her shoulders drooping. “I was trying to see if you wanted to marry me, if
you
wanted to keep the baby…I wasn’t going to beg you if you didn’t even want it.”

He didn’t say that he was glad marriage hadn’t really come up, especially with the way she was acting now and the way she ended up behaving back then. Now Russ leaned forward on the counter, staring at her. He wondered if he should call a crisis center. Maybe there was somebody who could help her, who could talk to her? However she behaved then and however she was acting now, he knew that there was a good person under it all—a good person who, for some reason, was in a lot of pain.

A sob ripped from her throat and she sagged against the counter.

“Come on,” he said, putting one hand under her arm and opening the low swinging door with the other. Holding the door open with his knee, he brought her in and sat her on the chair behind the cash register. She kept staring up at him with lost, wide eyes.

Now Russ leaned back against the counter, facing her with his arms folded across his chest. He contemplated her for a few moments, then said, “Emma, I want to call someone for you. You don’t need to suffer like this.”

Her mouth twisted into a gaping grimace. “No one can help me,” she said. “No one can ever bring our baby back.”

Russ took a deep breath. She was really delusional. This was worse than he imagined. What should he do now? “Listen,” he said. “I think you’re taking things a little too hard. I would really like to help you.” He paused. “I know this is partly my fault, so I’m willing to pay for whatever treatment you need, like whatever your insurance doesn’t cover.”

A look of disgust flashed across her face. “Oh,
thank you
, O White Knight in Super Shiny Armor!” she said. “That’s so nice that when you sent me off to kill my—no,
our
—baby, you also covered that expense like a real gentleman! And now you’re offering to cover my treatment for—for what? Guilt? Regret?” Her voice broke. “Murder?”

“Oh, Emma....” He shook his head. “No, no, you’re thinking in a way that’s really hurting you. Abortion is
not
murder. I mean, if it was, it wouldn’t be legal, you know? It wasn’t a baby, Emma. It was just a blob of tissue.” He cocked his head as he looked at her. “You need to stop calling it a baby—doing that is what’s messing you up.”

“No! That’s a lie! They
lied
!”

“Listen, Emma, if you’ve been reading some pro-life garbage, then just stop. Their propaganda just messes with your head. They’re these crazy religious fanatics, these women-haters—I mean, you yourself told me that’s what they are, right? So what’s going on that you started reading all their smut?”

Emma’s face twisted into a frown. “What pro-life stuff? I’m not talking about pro-life. I’m talking about—about—just regular—you know—fetal development.”

Russ shook his head again. “No, Emma. There was no fetal development. It was just tissue, just a clump of cells. Tiny, like the head of a needle. Okay, kiddo?”

“No,” Emma said, shaking her head. “No, that’s what I thought, too. That’s what we’d always been told.” She slouched back in the chair, hugging her arms to her body and staring at the floor. “You know, when I left the clinic, I felt fine. I felt relieved, like a weight had been lifted from me.”

“Right,” he said. He remembered walking her out of the clinic and getting into the car. She’d given him a big smile and then they’d kissed. She’d rubbed his arm affectionately and said, “Thanks for being here, baby. All the other women were there alone. But not me.” She’d smiled again. “I love you, Russ.”

“I love you, too, babe,” he’d said. And he’d meant it.

That had been one of their last good moments.

“Because, you know, before that,” Emma continued, “I’d just been feeling so tired all the time, more tired than I ever had been. And weird. Remember how you needed to bring me cold orange juice first thing in the morning while I was still lying down or else I’d throw up?”

“Yeah, I remember that.”

She gave a hollow laugh. “And I had this massive saliva production going on. Like it would suddenly fill up my mouth and I needed to spit all the time. I was always looking for some hidden place to spit because I couldn’t swallow enough of it.”

Russ gave her a soft smile and nodded his head as he remembered that too.

“And then it was over. And I felt like, ‘Good. Let’s get back into life again.’ Her face fell. “But that’s not what happened. A week or so later, I started feeling depressed all the time. And I called the clinic, and they said that it was just hormones, like PMS. They said that just happens sometimes. They told me to get a good multivitamin, some B-12, and to take 500 mg of GLA every day.”

“I remember,” said Russ. “I picked up that stuff for you.”

“Yeah,” she said, nodding. “You were the perfect gentleman about everything, weren’t you? A lot of girls don’t have that kind of support from their guy when they kill their baby.”

Russ started and felt all the blood drain from his face. He wanted to say something, but couldn’t.

“See, my heart knew, Russ. That’s why all that healthy stuff didn’t work. It wasn’t hormones. My heart knew and that’s why I got angrier and angrier and more depressed.” She looked at him. “That’s when you left. Remember? I was just so enraged all the time.” She looked away again. “And you left.” She sighed. “I guess I don’t blame you. There was nothing you could do, nothing anyone could do. You can’t bring an aborted baby back to life.”

“Emma, listen—”

“No,” she said, shaking her head. “At some point—I don’t know why—I just felt the need to look it up, to look up early fetal development. Not pro-life stuff, just a regular OB/GYN site. Our baby was eight weeks along when it was killed. That’s two months. But they don’t say it like that. They call it an “eight-week gestation—sort of like indigestion, right?” But do you know what an eight-week-old fetus is?”

Russ watched her another moment, then shook his head.

“It’s a little person the size of a kidney bean. It’s got eyelids, fingers, feet, and knees. It’s got a heartbeat and has already started moving its arms. Its tongue and vocal cords are growing. In just another week, it starts moving all its joints—its shoulders, its elbows, its wrists, and its ankles…and you’d be able to see its nose on an ultrasound.” She turned her face to gaze at him. “Does that sound like some blob of tissue to you?”

Russ’s shoulders sagged and he bowed his head. “I don’t—well…no,” he said.

“It’s not pro-life, Russ. I’m against pro-lifers. I’m pro-choice. But this isn’t anti-abortion hype. This is just plain medical, scientific fact.”

Russ took a step toward Emma and knelt down next to her. She was still hugging herself. She looked down at him. They held each other’s gaze for a moment and then he said, “I am so sorry, babe. I didn’t know. I didn’t know—there’s a lot I didn’t know. I just didn’t think. And I’m real, real sorry for that.”

She nodded and then just kept nodding her head. Pursing her lips, her eyes filled with tears again and they rushed down over her face.

Raising himself on his knees, Russ wrapped his arms around her and cradled her head against his shoulder as she wept.

It seemed like she would never stop, but he didn’t care. It was the very, very least he could do after everything that had happened.

Finally, her breathing came regular and her head lay resting against his shoulder. He thought maybe she had fallen asleep, but when he gingerly leaned his head over to check, her wide-eyed gaze met his.

“Let me take you home,” he said. “I’ll drop off your car later.”

She didn’t reply, she just stared at him. He couldn’t tell what she was thinking. Holding her with one arm, he grabbed his keys and walked her over to the door, flipped the sign over so it said CLOSED and walked her out, locking the door behind him. He helped her into his car and they drove off.

She sat there, sagging back against the seat, staring at him the whole ride.

“Do you still live in the sorority?” he said.

She shook her head.

“Maybe I should drop you off somewhere else?” He rubbed his hand across his mouth. “Like maybe a friend? Or your sister?”

“My sister lives in Somerset.”

“I know.”

“You’d drive me all the way over to there?”

“Sure.” He glanced at her. “You think you should be alone right now?”

Emma rubbed her lips together, then said, “Are you still going to marry her?”

Startled, Russ glanced at her again. “We’re already engaged, Emma. Everything’s all set....”

“You called me ‘babe’ back there. Back at the store. Just like you used to.”

He took a deep breath and let it out slowly.

“What do you call her?”

Russ exhaled again. “Emma, listen. You and me…we had some special times together. And I’ll always have special memories of you. But it’s—there’s too much water under the bridge now, you know? I’ve moved on and we’re not the same people we were when we were together.” He scratched his head. “I wasn’t thinking of marriage then. It just didn’t occur to me.”

But secretly, he was relieved. He couldn’t imagine Lia freaking out like this. Although you never really knew with women. They could seem totally fine for a long time and then suddenly act crazy.

He headed for the freeway and Emma said, “This isn’t the way to my apartment.”

“I know. I’m taking you to your sister.”

Emma shook her head.

“Okay. So what about your sorority?”

“I don’t live there anymore.”

“I know,” he said. “But they’re like your sisters, right? They’ll take care of you.”

Emma shook her head. “I don’t want to be with anyone right now. Nobody will understand. It’ll just be about how I need to get over you and to stop being codependent and empower myself…no one will listen to me about the baby not being just a clump of cells.”