"However, " he forced himself to go on, "if you can overlook my past, I can certainly overlook yours."
"That's very generous of you. " She narrowed her eyes. "What exactly do you wish to know?" Iwant to know if Venice was as special to you as it was to me, or was I simply another conquest?
"Nothing. " He pulled her lips to his. "Nothing at all." He held her close for a long moment, his arms wrapped around her.
Every inch of her as familiar as his dreams. And just as perfect.
She lifted her head and smiled in a resigned manner. "I should go. It's nearly dawn."
"Yes, you should." He stroked her hair.
"I had not planned on staying this long." She laughed. "I had not planned on this at all."
"Nor had I. " He heaved a resigned sigh.
She met his gaze. "Was it a mistake then, Alexei?"
He stared into her sable eyes, darker if possible with the sensual glow of a woman well satisfied. "It may well have been, but a rather glorious mistake nonetheless."
"Worth it then, I think. " She shifted but seemed as reluctant to leave the warmth of his bed as he was to let her go. "About the other men in my life."
"Good God, Pamela. " He grimaced. "I shall not say it again. Your past as well as mine is irrelevant to here and now and the two of us together."
"What about all that I am a man and you are a woman nonsense?"
"I was"—he closed his eyes and prayed for strength—"wrong."
"Were you?" She grinned.
"Yes."
"You don't truly believe that."
He sighed. "Perhaps not."
She laughed softly and slipped out of his arms and out of his bed. She glanced around, found her nightdress, and tossed it on over her head. She considered him thoughtfully, then drew a deep breath.
"After George, nearly two years later, I believe, I thought it might be rather interesting to have somewhat more—"
Alexei winced. "I do not know that I wish to hear this."
She ignored him. "Experience. After all, I was already ruined. Chastity at that point seemed rather, well, pointless. Don't you agree?"
"No. " He paused. "Possibly."
She picked up her robe and put it on. "Indeed I thought I could become the sort of worldly woman I had met throughout Europe."
He was interested in spite of himself. "And did you?"
"I tried. Once. " She paused for a long moment. "In Venice." He held his breath. "And?"
"And I discovered I was not the type of woman to indiscriminately bed one man after another." She smiled. "And certainly not half the men in Europe."
"Then you did not..."
"No, I did not. " She smiled slowly. "Until now."
"Until now, " he said under his breath. He wanted to ask why. If their night together had indeed meant as much to her, but he could not bring himself to say the words.
"Are you happy now?" She stepped to the bed, leaned over it, and kissed him softly. "Now that you have indeed unraveled all my secrets."
"Blissful. " And indeed for this particular moment he was surprised to note he was. He reached out for her, but she danced out of his way. She paused at the door and looked back at him.
"You will tell me what Nikolai says, won't you."
"Of course," he lied.
She narrowed her eyes as if she knew he was lying and shook her head.
"Do be careful, Alexei."
"Always, Pamela. " He forced a casual smile. "Always." She looked at him a moment longer, opened the door, and slipped into the corridor, closing it softly behind her.
He stared unseeing at the door for a long time. This night with her was as magical as the last one. More so, really, because she was no mysterious stranger but the woman that he loved. It would be best if he ended this farce of an engagement as soon as possible. The longer he was with her, the more likely something like this would happen again. Not that he would dislike that; indeed, he would be happy to keep her in his bed forever. And as long as they could simply stay in his bed, as long as the rest of the world paid them no heed they could be happy.
But this was a respite, nothing more. Pamela in his bed, this stay in her house, even their betrothal was nothing more than a holiday of sorts stolen from the reality of his life. Pamela and the farce they were caught up in allowed him to forget, at least for a while, the past and his failures. Allowed him to dwell on something other than the regrets that haunted him.
Dear God he wanted her. In his bed and in his life forever. But how could he do that to her?
He slid out of bed and padded across the room to a chest of drawers. He jerked open the top drawer and pulled out the earbob he had kept for four long years. He stared at it as if it held secrets or answers or just his heart.
She had not been with another man after him. It was at once gratifying and sobering. He wanted to believe it was because Venice meant as much to her as it had to him. It certainly explained why she had taken such pains not to let him know she was Serenissima. Indeed, if it had been insignificant to her, she could have revealed her masquerade when they first met and no doubt they would have laughed about it. No, it was important to her.
Perhaps he was just being selfish? Perhaps it was wrong for him not to be willing to share his burdens as well as his triumphs with the woman he loved. Not that he anticipated any triumphs in the years to come. Nonetheless, he had never felt about a woman, never in truth believed he could, the way he felt about her. He would not let her share his fate.
They were very much like Romeo and Juliet. Bound together by destiny. Ill-fated and star-crossed. And their story, too, would not end well.
Fifteen
I will cherish what little time we have had, but I will have no regrets about not inflicting my lifeon her. If I love her, I can do nothing less. I shall never see her again. His Royal Highness, Prince Alexei Pruzinsky
"It is an interesting proposition," Alexei said in a measured manner. Alexei sat at the desk in the library, Roman stood to his right behind him, just as he had always done. Valentina, who had been allowed to join in the meeting as long as she kept her opinions to herself, was seated off to the side, Dimitri stood nearby. Roman had convinced Lady Overton to invent an errand that would take Pamela out of the house and no one had seen Lady Smythe-Windom all morning. Still, they would not be disturbed.
Alexei surveyed the two men seated before the desk. Nikolai could barely remain in his seat, and Westerfield appeared distinctly nervous. As well he should.
"You are willing to fund this?" Alexei said to Lord Westerfield. "It will be extraordinarily expensive. Well-equipped armies do not come cheaply."
"We are not talking about an entire army, Alexei." Nikolai leaned forward eagerly. "We are proposing to take a small squad of expert, highly trained troops into Avalonia to take key, strategic positions. They will provide the framework for rebellion." Determination glittered in Nikolai's eyes. "There is a vast network of loyalists in Avalonia who are ready to take up arms against the Russians. They are only waiting for a leader." Nikolai met his brother's gaze directly. "They are waiting for you."
"My funding is dependent upon your participation, Your Highness," Westerfield said slowly. "I will not lend my assistance otherwise."
"For that I am most grateful, my lord." Alexei nodded at the older man. "You have more than likely saved my brother's life."
"Alexei!" Nikolai jumped to his feet.
"Sit down." Alexei's order rang in the room. It was rather gratifying to know he could still summon the proper tone of royal command when necessary.
Nikolai sat.
"Let me ask you this, Lord Westerfield." Alexei chose his words with care. "As the man willing to invest both his money and his council, what do you think of the plan my brother has proposed?" Westerfield hesitated. "It is clever, Your Highness."
Alexei raised a brow. "And?"
"And"—Westerfield paused to consider his words—"you must understand, Your Highness, my mother's family came to England from Avalonia, and I have relations there still. Indeed, the visits I made there as a boy, and as a man, linger fondly in my memory to this day. As we discussed last night, I have long considered what possible diplomatic remedies might be available even if it is perhaps too late for diplomacy.
"Indeed, I regret that all I can do to aid Avalonia, and her king, is financial in nature. However, I think the proposal as presented to me"—Westerfield blew a long breath—"is ill-advised."
"Ill-advised?" Again Nikolai jumped to his feet, glanced at his brother, and promptly sat back down.
"You did not say it was ill-advised when I came to you last night."
"Your Highness." Genuine regret showed on Westerfield's face. "When we spoke after the ball last night, I agreed to give your proposal due consideration. While I think its success is questionable, I continue to stand ready to lend whatever assistance I can." He turned and met Alexei's gaze. "In whatever way His Highness desires."
"Thank you, my lord." Relief coursed through Alexei. Whatever far-fetched plans Nikolai might come up with, he could do little without funds. Alexei stood and reached his hand out to Westerfield. "You are most generous."
His lordship got to his feet at once, Nikolai a mere beat behind, and clasped Alexei's hand. "Do feel free to call on me, Your Highness, for whatever assistance you might need." Westerfield bid his farewells and took his leave.
Silence hung heavy in the room for an endless moment. Nikolai glared at his brother. "We can triumph in this, Alexei, I am certain of it."
Alexei stared at the younger man and struggled against the desire to shake him or, better yet, beat him soundly for being so headstrong and so very much like himself in his youth. He understood his brother's desire to reclaim their homeland and understood as well his frustration. Still, to give Nikolai due credit, his plan was indeed clever as far as it went. Pity he had not taken into account the vast resources Russia would bring to bear.
"Your Highness." Roman addressed his words to Nikolai. "Perhaps you do not understand the sheer might of the Russian Empire."
Nikolai scoffed in the manner of a man who has not yet tasted his own mortality. Or the mortality of others. "I daresay—"
"Do you realize there are units of the Russian army with more soldiers than the entire population of Avalonia?" Alexei said quietly.
"Certainly, but—"
"Do you understand as well that Russia seized Avalonia not only because we were vulnerable but as a buffer against invasion?"
"Yes, I do but—"
"And do you know that no one in all of Europe, no one"—Alexei braced his hands on his desk and leaned forward—"will come to our aid? Because we are small and insignificant and no one, no one will challenge Russia on our behalf."
"I do know that! I know it all!" Nikolai ran his hand through his hair in frustration. "What am I supposed to do, Alexei? Sit back and watch the country of our father and his father's father and all who came before them fade into nothing more than a memory? I cannot be like you. I cannot do nothing!"
"Your Highness!" Roman stepped forward.
Dimitri moved closer. Even Valentina got to her feet.
"Nothing?" Alexei's voice was cold, but rage surged within him. "You think I have done nothing?" Nikolai's eyes widened with the realization of what he had said. Still, he stood his ground. "You should have fought them. You should have given your own life—"
"And would that have made a difference? Would the deaths of every man in Avalonia, and every woman and child as well, because they would have been the target of Russian reprisal, have made any difference whatsoever?" Bitterness rang in his voice. "Do nothing, Nikolai? From the moment of my birth I have been trained to lead my people. To put their best interests above everything, including my own life. In this case doing nothing, as you put it, was the hardest thing I have ever had to do."
"Alexei, I did not mean—"
"It was the right choice, the only choice, to save my people, my country from certain annihilation, and yet I regret it. I regret it with every breath I take, with every beat of my heart. Dying for my country would have been easy. Living with my regrets, indeed my failure, is the burden I bear, and bear it I shall for the rest of my days."
Nikolai drew a deep breath.
"As for your plan, Nikolai." Alexei's voice was cool. "Westerfield said, and I agree with him, that it is indeed clever. Unfortunately, it does not take into account reprisal. Nor does it consider what happens in the weeks, months, years to follow. Avalonia will become a battleground. Fields will be laid waste. Entire villages will be slaughtered or populations left to starve. Do not forget-Russia was willing to devastate its own lands to keep Napoleon's troops from finding sustenance. They will do no less to us." Alexei's voice was intense with emotion. "It was made very clear to me that Avalonia would be held up to all the world as an example of the consequences of those who defy her."
Nikolai's face paled. "I had not—"
"You had not considered that, had you, little brother?" Alexei's voice softened. "Nor was it your responsibility to do so. It was mine."