When You Run, You Eventually Have to Stop

WHEN YOU RUN,

YOU EVENTUALLY HAVE
TO STOP

A TIGER TALE

By SEAN KENNEDY

AUTHOR’S NOTE

This story is set within the
TIGERS
AND DEVILS
timeframe.

TIGERS
AND DEVILS
and
TIGERLAND
are published by
Dreamspinner
Press
.

http://www.dreamspinnerpress.com

Copyright © 2015 by
Sean Kennedy


All rights reserved.

This book or any
portion thereof
may not be reproduced or used in any manner
whatsoever
without the express written permission of the
publisher
except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.

From Reach Out Magazine, October 3, 2010

OUT AND
ABOUT WITH JASPER BRUNSWICK:

NOT SO SHOCKING TO SOME!

It seems that the straight world
is currently getting their knickers in a knot over the fact that Declan Tyler,
one of the biggest stars in AFL, has been
outed
. This
has led to an uproar over the belief that one of the best players in recent
history  can’t
 possibly  be  a
 fag; after all, fags are better known for carrying a handbag than a ball,
right?

At the moment it probably seems
unimaginable to those who watch Tyler prowl upon the field like a modern
gladiator that a sports star of his
calibre
could be
queer, and there may be many who try to write off the recently published photos
as fakes posed with look-alikes or excellent Photoshop jobs.

There have been whispers about Tyler
for some time.
And not only within the gay community.
Tyler always has been loath to discuss his personal life and his relationship
with frequent Brownlow attendee Jessica Wells. Privacy always automatically
invites suspicion with the general public as well.

But who is the mystery man in the
controversial photos?

He is no stranger to Reach Out.
In fact, he has been profiled by us and was about to be interviewed again.

Simon Murray, 27, is the director
of the Triple F film festival, which acts as a showcase for truly underground,
independent filmmaking and also presents a large number of LGBTQ-related pieces
in its programming each year. We have reprinted a previous interview we have
had with him in this edition, highlighting the section where he talks about
what it means to him personally to choose queer-friendly films.

You can rest assured that we will
probably be hearing a lot about him in the mainstream press in the weeks to
come as a new interest will be shown in his life, both with Declan Tyler and outside
their relationship.

Only one thing is certain—
life
as they know it will never be the same again.

SO,
WHEN IT came down to it, he ran.

It
wasn’t the reaction he was hoping for.
 

Declan
had hoped that when this—his darkest secret—came to light he would
accept it with humility and grace.
 
Some sort of action that would never cause him to look back in
regret.
 

But
he switched his phone off, and ran.
 
He didn’t even want to guess what Simon was possibly thinking about him;
he could tell by the amount of calls ‘missed’ on his mobile, which were well
into the double digits.
 
Although
Simon hadn’t left as many voice messages as he had attempts to call, they had
become increasingly panicked each time.

“Please,
just call me,” the last one, from only twelve minutes ago, had said.
 
“Dec, I really need to talk to you.
 
Or even if you can’t
talk, just text.
 
Just let me
know you’re still out there.”
 
A
pause, so long that Dec had thought he hadn’t hung up properly.
 
“Just let me know you’re okay.”

Jesus,
did Simon think he was going to kill himself, or something?
 
No, he wouldn’t think
that
.
 
But he would be sick with worry.
 
He could hear the desperation in Simon’s
voice, and Dec knew that even though it was in no way Simon’s fault he would
still be blaming himself for it all.

Dec
desperately wanted to speak to him, but he just couldn’t bring himself to dial
that number.
 
Speaking to Simon
would only make it all the more real, whereas at this moment in time he could
keep on believing
that it was just a dream.
 
Maybe he was even currently knocked out
on the football field, and this was all some coma fantasy.
 
He would wake up in the change rooms, be
checked out at the hospital, and then he could go back to Simon’s and they
could laugh about it.
 
They would be
safe again.

But
he was
wide awake
, and his phone was off, and he had
come to the only place he could feel safe.
 
It was strange that he should run but end up in the very same place he
wanted to avoid, where the conversation he had avoided for so long would
finally be broached.
 

A
strange atmosphere filled the air at his parents’ house – everybody was walking
on eggshells around him, while still worrying about their dad, and there was
media camped out with no sign of getting bored.
 
He had seen them on a news bulletin
doing the same thing at Simon’s house – which seemed deserted bar the
fact Maggie was sitting in the lounge windowsill watching them all with the
cool sense of detachment only cats could pull off so well.

When
his mother had come home from the hospital, she had taken him into her
arms.
 
“You tell me what you want to
tell me, when you want to tell me.”

And
he did.
 
He still struggled with
some of the words, except when it came to Simon.
 
It seemed he could talk
about
him easily – it was talking
to him that was proving to be the problem.

But
Declan kept talking.
 
With his
siblings, after they battled their way silently through the horde of
journalists, with his dad – by phone, through the hospital – and
they had all said the right things, the things that you
hoped
would be said when you eventually came out but feared the
exact opposite would be the reality.
 
He even caught his mother poring over the photos in the newspaper,
trying to make out Simon’s features so she could know who had claimed the heart
of her son.
 
She had a million
questions, and Dec could have answered a million more.

Except
one.

“But
where is he now?” she asked, and the answer caught in Dec’s throat.
 
The last thing he wanted was his mum
thinking Simon had run out on him when it was furthest from the truth.

So
even though he still felt loved and supported, the general feeling of weirdness
continued. This was probably all coming from himself, and most likely
exacerbated by the media circus outside, but it had led to him hiding in his room
a lot and wishing Simon would show up even though Dec in no way deserved his
attention by hiding away in the first place.

He could
try to blame it on the media, but that was just being
chickenshit
.
 
He had watched, through a television
screen, as Simon also hid out for the first couple of days, but now it was
being shown that he was going back to work, fighting his way through
journalists in order to get to his car.
 
It was obvious he was no longer using public transport, as he likely felt
exposed.
 

Not
that Dec knew for sure, because he was still incommunicado.
 
Guilt made it even harder to call Simon,
as he felt responsible for Simon’s newfound vulnerability in more ways than
one.
 
Leaving him hanging out to dry
was only the worst part.

Before
he could berate himself any more, there was a loud, self-assured knock on the
door.
 
Not polite enough to be his
mother or sister, and Dec actually froze for a moment, wondering if the hordes
had now infiltrated the castle with microphones instead of battering rams.

They
wouldn’t have knocked, though.

“Dec,
let me in, for fuck’s sake.”

It
was his older brother, Derek.
 
There
was no lock on the door, so there was nothing to stop him from barging in
regardless.
 
This could only mean
Derek was feeling a bit out of sorts with the whole drama as well, as courtesy
had never been a big thing with him.

“Come
in.”

Derek
entered, carrying two cups of coffee – a civility even more out of kilter.
 
Dec took the one offered to him, and
Derek sat down next to him on the bed.

Dec
was expecting an awkward silence, but Derek wasted no time.
 
He never did.
 
“So, what’s new?” he asked, and burst
out laughing, so amused with
himself
that some of his
coffee went flying and Dec had to duck.

Stunned,
it took a moment for it to sink in for Dec and he began laughing as well.

Laughter
gave way to genuine concern.
 
“Are
you okay?”

“I’m
great,” Dec said, giving Simon’s sarcasm a run for its money.
 
“And you?”

“Better
than you.
 
Shit, you don’t do things
by half,” Derek said, almost admiringly.
 
“Genius AFL player, looks of a matinee idol—“

“Fuck
off,” Dec said automatically.

“You’re
right,” his brother conceded, “it’s me with the good looks.
 
Oh, you’re okay looking, I’ll grant
you.
 
And now you’re a trail-blazing
gay to boot.
 
I have to tell you, I’m
glad I’m older and not having to live up to your hype.
 
That’s a pretty damn big pair of shoes
to fill.”

“The
one thing I’m not is
trail-blazing
,”
Dec said, unable to keep the bitterness out of his voice.

“Have
you looked outside recently?
 
All
those journalists aren’t there because you’re the
tenth
AFL player to come out.”

“Outed,”
Dec corrected him. “I didn’t do it on my own terms.”

Derek
hesitated,
then
asked, “Why didn’t you?”

“Because
I got… stuck, I guess.
 
I couldn’t
go forward.
 
I was too scared.
 
And now there’s no way to go back.”

“Why
didn’t you trust us?”

Dec
kind of liked the simplicity of his brother’s questions, and his no-bullshit
approach. As much as he loved his sister Maeve she had been wearing the eyes of
a wounded Disney animal for the past few days.
 
He knew he should be more forgiving of
her and sit down for a proper talk about everything, but his fear of
everything
caused a more general
lethargy that made him unable to do so.
 
Even the thought of getting off the bed was too much.

But
Derek had removed some of the armour he had been struggling with, so he decided
to be as forthright.
 
“Didn’t you
hear I was scared?
 
Fuck, I still
am.”

There
was a quick look of hurt on Derek’s face but it gave way to concern.
 
“Of us?”

“You
really don’t know what it’s like.”

Derek
considered this for a moment.
 
“Okay.
 
This
, specifically, no, I don’t.
 
And I’m not going to push you too hard
on this today.
 
But we
will
talk about it.”

“Thanks.”

“But
you’re going to have to spill, what about this guy?”

“
This guy
has a name.”

“I
know.
 
But hey, I get to bug the
rest of them about who they date.
 
It’s
probably why I only found out Maeve was married a year after the ceremony.”

“That’s
just because you were so drunk.”

“Maybe
I was.
 
But now I get to shit-stir
you.”

“I
guess that’s true equality in the making,” Dec said, but with a smile.

“Is
he a good guy?”

Without
hesitation, Dec said, “He’s the best.”

“And
he’s worth all the shit you’re going through right now?”

The
thought of Simon’s cheeky grin and his boisterous laugh made Dec smile without
even realising it.
 
Luckily Derek
decided not to tease him about it.
 
For now, anyway.
 
“Yes.”

“Then
why are you ignoring him?”

Ouch.

“It
just doesn’t make sense to me.
 
Although
I guess you did say you were scared?”

“Not
of him.
 
Just everything else around
us.”

“But
you said he was worth it, so just fucking call him.
 
You’ve been miserable long enough.”

The
pain in his chest increased.
 
“Who
said I was miserable before?”

Derek
reached out and gently took him by the shoulder.
 
“Dec, you haven’t seen the change in you
since this all blew up.
 
You were
always laidback, but there was still
a tenseness
to
you.
 
Even the past few months I’ve
seen it come and go, but I now know why.
 
I’m not saying it’s the be all and end all of your problems, but you’re
obviously happy with this guy—“

“Simon.”

“Simon.
 
So let him make you
happier
.”

“It
would be nice,” Dec said, letting himself imagine a time past all this crap.
 
It was hard to make out, so far off in
the distance, but a speck was better than what he had been seeing only hours
before.

“Yeah,
it would be fucking nice.
 
So, Simon.
 
Call
him. Better still, go and see him.
 
A phone call won’t cut
it,
you’ve been fucking
him around for too long.
 
And I
doubt you want to bring him here just yet for all of us to pounce on him.”

Dec
paled at subjecting Simon to that –
if
Simon was still willing, after having been thrown to the wolves.
 
“Okay, so will you go already and let me
call him?”