Where the Allegheny Meets the Monongahela (34 page)

LOGAN was so relieved to see Nick‘s Jeep in the parking lot of The

Liberty Grill, he could have kissed the damn thing, even though his

stomach twisted at the thought of going in that restaurant. He took a

deep breath, slipped through the double glass doors, and was

immediately greeted by the ebullient hostess. ―Hi, hon, booth or table?‖

―Umm,‖ Logan stalled, looking around for Nick. He spotted him

sitting at the counter, deep in conversation with Larry Gerard. Nodding

towards the two men, he said, ―I‘m meetin‘ him.‖

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―Okay,‖ she answered gaily, stepping aside.

Logan walked slowly down the aisle and slipped onto the stool

next to Nick. ―Hey, there.‖

Nick swiveled around and regarded him with apparent shock.

―Logan, what the hell are you doin‘ here?‖

―Lookin‘ for you.‖

―Why didn‘t you call?‖ Nick asked, pulling his cell phone out.

―You have it turned off.‖

―I do not,‖ Nick said. He looked down at the phone and said, ―Oh,

looks like the battery died.‖ He shrugged, asking, ―How did you know I

was here?‖

―Trudy told me—‖

The glare Nick shot Larry would have stung a lesser man, but

Larry was clearly unabashed. ―It wasn‘t me.‖

―You didn‘t let me finish. Trudy told me this was the best place to

look for you.‖

―I gotta get back to work,‖ Larry said. He turned to Logan,

asking, ―Can I get ya anything?‖

―Cup of coffee.‖ Larry efficiently grabbed a mug and filled it,

putting it in front of Logan in the blink of an eye. ―Thanks.‖

―Sure thing,‖ Larry said as he picked up Nick‘s plate and strode

back towards the kitchen. ―See ya ‘round.‖

Logan breathed a sigh at being left alone with Nick but then

found himself at a loss for words, so he said the first thing that popped

into his head. ―Returned to the scene of the crime, huh?‖

His weak jest backfired as Nick‘s face fell. He grimly answered,

―You think me bringin‘ you here was a crime?‖

―It was just a joke. I guess this place really is kind of special to

you?‖

The smile Logan‘s question evoked seemed a little sad, but at

least it was a smile. ―Yeah, it is. Why were you looking for me?‖

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―After you called me, I was worried you got fired, but Trudy said

you just took some time off. Is that right?‖

―Yeah.‖ Nick stared down at the Formica countertop, adding,

―I‘m gonna take a couple‘a weeks and get my mom settled in the

nursing home. Stuff like that.‖

Trying to catch Nick‘s eye, Logan pushed his coffee aside and

leaned on the counter. ―You didn‘t sound too happy about it on the

phone.‖

Nick looked at him, saying, ―What do I have to be happy about,

Logan? You said it yourself last night—‖

―I said a lotta stupid things last night.‖

―Maybe. But it doesn‘t immediately follow that you were wrong.‖

―What‘s that mean?‖

―It means that…. I guess it means I should‘ve handled things

better. A lot better.‖ Nick reached for Logan‘s untouched coffee and

took a sip as he swiveled to face him directly. ―I didn‘t mean to hurt

anyone. Especially you. It looks like I have a habit of doin‘ that to

people that I….‖ He trailed off and looked out the window. ―That I‘d

never wanta hurt.‖

―Jesus, Nick.‖ Logan thumped his hand on the counter, insisting,

―You didn‘t hurt me. You were right to tell Trudy the truth, and I was

dead wrong to want you to lie.‖ With a sigh, he added, ―I just got a

bunch of stuff to… to deal with, now.‖

―Like your wife?‖

―Yeah. That‘s first on my list. One of the few things me and

Trudy—‖ Logan shrugged as he ran his thumbnail along the bright

chrome edging of the counter. ―Fuck, I ain‘t lookin‘ forward to tellin‘

Linda.‖ He glanced at Nick, searching for understanding in those dark

eyes. ―This is gonna hurt her awful bad.‖

―I know, but the longer you wait, the worse it‘ll be.‖

―Is this week soon enough?‖

Nick‘s mouth fell open. ―You‘re gonna talk to Linda this week?‖

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209

―Yes. Trudy wants me to do it at her office.‖ He rolled his eyes,

adding, ―She says it‘ll be best in a neutral place, plus she‘ll be there to

offer her support….‖

―But?‖ Nick prodded, apparently reading him well.

―But that don‘t seem right to me. I think Linda should be in her

own home so she can… yell or holler or throw things at me if she

wants.‖ Logan reached for his tepid coffee, taking a gulp before he

added, ―I think Krista and Meghan have Girls Scouts some night this

week. I‘m gonna see if I can do it then.‖

―Sounds like a good idea.‖

Nick‘s smile seemed more genuine this time, and he found

himself smiling back, but the air between them hung heavy with the

unspoken question: Now what?

Logan took a deep breath and forced out the other decision he‘d

made on the way to Pittsburgh. ―Nick, I don‘t want you to take this the

wrong way, but I‘m gonna need some time to… some time.‖

―I‘m glad to hear you say that.‖

Surprise and alarm replaced the trepidation in his gut. ―You are?‖

―Yeah.‖ His voice dropped a full register as Nick added, ―Coming

out is a hard thing, Logan, I know that. Everyone should be able to

choose their own moment, and I‘m real sorry it got forced on you. If

you didn‘t need some time to deal with that, I‘d think you were nuts.‖

―It was hard for
you
?‖

―Of course. Why are you surprised?‖

Logan was too astounded to offer anything but the truth. ―I didn‘t

think anything was hard for you.‖

His reply drew a real, honest-to-God belly laugh from Nick.

―Yeah, right. If you only knew.‖

When they parted in the parking lot a few minutes later, Logan

drew some solace from the hug they shared; however, the embrace was

not only too brief, there was a new awkwardness marring it as well.

Wanting to end on an up note, Logan called out to Nick‘s retreating

figure, ―Hey, Nick!‖

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―What?‖

―I might take the T-Bird and get it painted this weekend. I‘ll call

you if I get it done.‖

A patented Nick Zales grin beamed at Logan from ten feet away.

―Sounds great. I can‘t wait to see it.‖

Logan drove home feeling slightly better but wondering why he

hadn‘t told Nick he was planning to take the Thunderbird to Elco. It

didn‘t take too much soul-searching to find the answer. He‘d wanted an

out in case facing up to Linda turned out to be all he could handle in the

space of a week.

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Chapter 15:

Pain Too Lonely

Doubt is a pain too lonely to know that faith is his twin brother.

—Kahlil Gibran

AS HE started the solo counseling session that Trudy had arranged for

Tuesday evening, Logan wanted, up-front, to get something out of the

way. He took a deep breath, sat up straight in his chair, and faced his

counselor head-on. ―Before we get started, I wanta thank you for tellin‘

me where I could find Nick yesterday. I know you didn‘t have to do it,

but we needed….‖ That admission was leading into a room marked

―private,‖ so Logan let the thought trail off and mumbled, ―Anyway,

thank you.‖

Trudy gave him an almost pained smile before replying, ―You‘re

welcome.‖

The look on her face prompted Logan to ask, ―If I hadn‘t gone

along with what you wanted, would you have told me?‖ There was no

immediate answer, so Logan clarified, ―I mean, me and Nick taking a

break—‖

―I knew what you meant. I was just giving it some thought.‖

Trudy tilted her head and shifted her eyes slightly as she admitted, ―To

be perfectly honest, I don‘t know what I would have done.‖ She looked

back at Logan, asking, ―Are you having second thoughts about not

seeing Nick for a while?‖

Rather than admit the bald truth, that he was having second, third,

and fourth thoughts, Logan stammered, ―I, um… I, guess… it‘s for the

best. For both of us, right?‖

Sounding much more like her usual assured self, Trudy said,

―Yes, for both of you.‖

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That answer had come out a little too fast and sure for Logan‘s

liking, prompting him to challenge, ―Sounds like you don‘t think I‘m

good for Nick.‖

Once again, Trudy seemed to be mulling over the question.

Finally, she sighed loudly and said, ―You must realize, whenever a

child of an abusive parent gets involved with—‖ she shot a guilty

glance at Logan before continuing, ―even a
one-time
abuser, there are

questions about…. Well, there are questions.‖

Logan felt like he‘d had the wind knocked out of him. ―That ain‘t

why…. Nick doesn‘t think of me like that. He‘s as much as said so.‖

―I‘m not trying to say that‘s what‘s going on with you and Nick. I

was just explaining why I had my doubts.‖ She actually smiled briefly

at Logan before saying, ―I talked to Larry about it, and from what he‘s

told me, it might not be the case here.‖

―Wait a minute,‖ Logan growled. ―You talked to
your husband

about me and Nick?‖

Trudy remained unruffled as she explained, ―More like Larry told

me what he and Nick talked about—which was you.‖

―Oh.‖ Logan didn‘t like the idea any more than he had before but

supposed he couldn‘t fault her in that case. ―What did he say about

me?‖

―I‘d rather you and Nick discuss that—in a couple of weeks.‖

When Logan frowned at her, Trudy soothed, ―Whatever the truth of the

matter is about the genesis of your relationship, both you and Nick still

need to deal with your issues—separately.‖

Her assurances couldn‘t prevent Logan from blurting, ―But

Nick‘s gonna be…. I mean he‘s kinda down right now, and he

shouldn‘t be all alone. Maybe I should… check in on him now and

then. That‘d be okay, wouldn‘t it?‖

Trudy let out a huff of exasperation—or was it amusement?

Logan wasn‘t sure, and what followed didn‘t enlighten him any. ―I

really don‘t have any power to enforce a ban on your association with

Nick. I am
asking
you to give this break a chance, but the rest is up to

you. And by the way, Nick seemed fine when I spoke with him this

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213

afternoon. He spent most of the day at the nursing home getting his

mom settled in.‖

Relief quickly followed surprise at Trudy‘s assurance, and

unthinkingly Logan offered, ―Oh, you two are speak—I mean… that‘s

good to hear.‖

One eyebrow was elegantly cocked as Trudy dryly assured him,

―Yes, Nick and I
are
speaking. You know, in the end, this whole

episode is probably going to be good for our relationship.‖

Logan‘s eyes snapped to Trudy‘s face, and he studied her for any

signs of humor, but she seemed perfectly sincere. ―Yeah? How?‖

―When you get right down to it, a pedestal is an uncomfortable

perch for any human being.‖ Logan was still trying to refrain from

asking what the fuck that meant when Trudy added, ―You seemed

surprised to find that I‘m worried about Nick, too.‖ Once again not

sounding much like the counselor he knew, her voice soft and sad, she

murmured, ―Can‘t you at least give me that much credit?‖

―I‘m sorry, I didn‘t mean—‖

She waved him off. ―Please don‘t apologize. Besides, you‘re

stealing my thunder.‖

Fuck, she’s more confusing than ever
. ―What‘s that mean?‖

―It means I want to apologize to you, Logan. I should have

listened better when you tried to tell me your marriage wasn‘t working

for you and never had.‖

If she was trying to make him feel better, that statement had the

opposite effect. Logan squirmed uncomfortably under her earnest gaze.

―That‘s all right,‖ he said. ―You couldn‘t‘ve….‖ He expelled a weary

breath before admitting, ―I can see why you thought what you did. I

was doin‘ my damnedest to make sure you didn‘t catch on to the truth.‖

―Why was it so important to you that I not find out you were

gay?‖

―Are you kidding?‖ Irritation and incredulity frosted and

sharpened every word. ―I wasn‘t ready to admit that to myself, let alone

to you.‖

―Are you ready now?‖

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Logan massaged his tense brow before sighing, ―I don‘t know.

Guess I have to be.‖

―You said you weren‘t ready to admit the truth to yourself,

meaning you‘ve been hiding from this knowledge for a while?‖