Whispers (27 page)

T
eri avoided contact with Gordon or anyone else for the rest of the informal party. It was all too much for her. It didn’t make sense. None of it made sense. She stood out front and stared into the night sky. Six months ago, the stars had looked completely different. She thought of the night Scott took her to the beach and lit the fireworks. Her own words came back to haunt her:
The fireworks bit me
.

She realized that when she focused on the fireworks in a relationship, they were bound to turn around and bite her.

Okay, so I was wrong about Scott. I was wrong about Mark. Two failures are enough to make me not want to try again
.

She heard the screen door open behind her. Teri stepped into the shadows and off to the side of the house. If it was Gordon, she didn’t know what she would do. But it was Anita.

“Teri, are you out here?”

“Over here.”

Anita joined her in the gray shadows. “Are you okay?”

“Why didn’t you tell me Mark was married? Or about Scott?”

“Because I didn’t know until tonight. Dan told me about Mark and Claire on the way home from the hospital. I was just in the bedroom, and Kai told me about Scott. I’m sorry, Teri. What are you feeling?”

“Like I’ve blown it too many times.”

“You haven’t blown anything. You attempted several relationships, and they didn’t work out. There’s no shame in that.”

“Maybe not shame,” Teri said. “Maybe fear is what I’m fighting. My heart keeps pounding too hard; I’m all jittery.”

“You’re afraid to try again?”

Teri nodded.

Anita put her arm around her sister and said, “I know what you’re feeling. I lost two babies. I was afraid to try again too. Afraid of what might happen. And look what has happened. It’s not perfect. Gracie has a long way to go. But she’s here. And I’m here. And God is with us.”

Teri heard her sister crying softly, and she couldn’t help but release her pent up tears and join in.

“I just want you to know,” Anita said, wiping her tears, “that whatever you decide about Gordon or anyone else, I’m here for you. I want to be more than your sister, Teri. I want to be your friend.”

They locked in a tight embrace, both arms wrapped around each other.

“Come on, let’s go back in. I want you to help me find a place to put all these little baby clothes.”

“Grace can have my old corner of the hall closet,” Teri suggested.

They walked in the house, eyes red, and their arms around each other. The group of friends was beginning to leave. Teri joined Anita in saying good-bye to each of them. Gordon left
with the others, making a comment about how he would drive Mom and Grandma to the airport tomorrow morning at six. Teri felt relieved he didn’t say anything else or give her one of his heart-to-heart looks. She felt too volatile right now. She needed time to think things through.

All night, as she lay on her futon bed on the living room floor, Teri’s mind raced through a thousand different mazes. In the night’s deep silence, she listened to the whirl of the ceiling fan and the soft snoring of Mom and Grandma, who shared the sofa Hide-A-Bed. Teri didn’t sleep all night. But by the time the alarm went off at five, she had the answer she had been waiting for.

“Annie,” Teri whispered, softly tapping on the bedroom door, “it’s five. Are you guys up?”

“You can come in,” Anita said. She was sitting up in bed, yawning. Dan, stretched out flat on his stomach next to her, was still dead to the world.

Teri tiptoed in and sat on the foot of the bed on Anita’s side. “I need to tell you that I’ve decided to go home after all.”

Anita’s face fell.

“I was going to stay to help you get things together for the baby, but last night you pretty much received everything you needed. I also thought I’d be able to help with meals, but now your freezer is full. I need to leave. I don’t have any more vacation time at work.”

“I thought you said a terrific woman was subbing for you.”

“She is, but if I don’t go back, I might lose my job. You don’t really need me here. I can’t do anything for Grace Malia. The doctor even said that, since she seems to be stabilizing, all we can do is wait for her to grow. You don’t need me here.”

“But I’d like you to stay.”

“I know, but, Annie, try to understand. I need to go back to Glenbrooke where I can think things through.”

Anita let out a sigh. “I understand. What are you going to tell Gordon?”

“I’ll tell him to write me.” Teri stood up. “I’m going to take a lightning fast shower. I’m already packed.”

Anita reluctantly nodded. “Okay. I’ll make some coffee.”

Mom and Grandma weren’t as understanding as Annie. Teri told them her decision as soon as she climbed out of the shower. They were still expressing their disagreement when Gordon arrived.

“Will you do something about this granddaughter of mine?” Grandma Maria said as Gordon lifted the three suitcases now returning to the airport.

“What would you like me to do?” Gordon asked, standing patiently by the front door. Everyone in the household was watching.

“I’d like you to get down on your knees and propose to her.”

“Already did that,” Gordon said without so much as a flinch in his expression.

Grandma looked shocked. She turned to Teri with her hands on her hips. “And what did you tell him?”

“Grandma, this is crazy. We need to get to the airport.” Teri pretended to be fumbling in her purse for something.

“She told me no,” Gordon said.

“And what did you tell her?” Grandma asked.

“I told her I would wait.”

Grandma clucked her tongue, and with a wave of her hand in the air, she shuffled out to the car, muttering all the way in Spanish.

Teri refused to make eye contact with Gordon. She climbed into the backseat and remained silent all the way to the airport. As they reached Lahaina, Gordon twisted his rearview mirror so that with a glance he could catch Teri’s face.
She leaned closer to the window and looked out.

It ached to leave. She loved Maui. Yet to act on the admission that she loved anything or anyone … she just couldn’t do it right now.

At the airport, Mom and Grandma checked in first since their flight to San Diego left twenty minutes before Teri’s plane to San Francisco. Fortunately, Mom had a level head. She rattled off instructions to Teri about how she would box up all Teri’s Christmas gifts, which were still at their home, and mail them to Oregon. Or maybe UPS them. She would check to see which was the better price.

“Okay, Mom. That’s fine. Either one. I’ll pay you back, if that would help.”

“Don’t be ridiculous. I don’t want you to pay me back! Call us tonight once you’re home, all right? We’ll take turns calling here to get the update on Grace Malia, like we discussed.”

“Okay, Mom.” Teri bent her ear to listen to the flight being called over the loudspeaker. “That’s yours,” she said.

She kissed her mom and then leaned over to give Grandma Maria a kiss. Grandma returned a soft, moist one on Teri’s cheek. Then grasping Teri’s arm tightly, she said in a low, grumbling voice, “Don’t be so stubborn.”

“Grandma,” Teri said, pulling away.

Grandma shook her finger at Teri and said, “You know what I mean.”

Teri didn’t know how to answer so she turned it into a joke and said, “And I love you, too.”

Grandma kissed Gordon on both cheeks, and without a word she held his face in her two hands, looked into his eyes, and smiled.

Gordon smiled back, and then to Teri’s surprise, he said to Grandma,
“Hasta.”

Where did he learn the Spanish word for “until”?

Grandma nodded her pleasure and agreement.
“Hasta,”
she repeated as if she needed no explanation for Gordon’s farewell.

Mom gave him a quick kiss on the cheek, too, thanking him profusely for all he had done for them during the past week. “I imagine you’ll be glad to get back to your job hunting now. We can never thank you enough for all you did.”

“Was all my pleasure, really.”

Mom and Grandma filed into line with the others boarding the plane and turned one last time to wave good-bye.

After they disappeared from sight, Gordon and Teri turned silently and headed to the end of the terminal hallway to wait for Teri’s flight. They sat next to each other and gazed out the window at the wide-bodied jet that would soon be taking Teri away.

Finally Teri decided she must speak. But what should she say? Her heart had already been pounding. It only increased its rhythm, and her hands broke into a clammy sweat.

Gordon seemed calm, almost as if he were deep in prayer. No words came to Teri’s lips.

Suddenly Teri’s flight was called. She sprang up like a jack-in-the-box, her heart racing. “That’s mine,” she said.

Gordon walked with her to the rope divider that hung between the waiting room and the line of boarding passengers. He stood there like a rock. “I take it your answer is still no,” he said.

“It would never work, Gordon. We’re too different. I’m not ready for a serious relationship.” Teri paused, trying to think if she had left out any of the reasons she had been feeding herself. She thought about her need for fireworks but didn’t know how to explain that to him so she added, “And you’re so much older than I. It’s just not meant to be. Please try to understand.”

Then, as if he hadn’t heard a word she had said, Gordon
stated, “I’ll wait right here until it’s a yes.” He paused. “Until.” He said the word firmly, not like a benediction but like a christening.

The line had moved ahead, and Teri needed to move with it. People were behind her, pressing her on. Gordon didn’t make any move to hug her or touch her. She inched forward and looked at him over her shoulder. Their eyes connected, and in that mysterious way, as he had done before, Gordon’s gaze drew her to him and embraced her.

Teri looked away. She had to remain strong. Clear headed. This was a wise, logical decision. It was the right decision. It had to be.

“Ticket please,” the airline employee said at the door.

Teri handed it to her, received back the portion with her seat assignment, and walked toward the plane without looking back.

O
ne Teri was seated with the seat belt fastened and the stream of air turned on and blowing right on her, she felt a little better. She knew she would be fine once the plane was airborne.

The rest of the passengers boarded. She flipped through the magazine from the rack in front of her.
Computer viruses are on the decrease. Well, that’s good news. Travel clocks that can be programmed with your favorite wake up music
.

Teri jammed the magazine into the pouch and moved a little closer to the window as a passenger slid in and sat next to her. He was an older man who’s broad girth filled the entire seat. When he sat, he let out a heavy puff, sounding quite exhausted from his journey down the aisle. Teri avoided looking at him. She didn’t want to start a conversation. All she could think of was how hard it would be to get past him during the five hour flight when she needed to go to the bathroom.

She fished in her purse for some gum. Some mints.
Anything. She had nothing. Without thinking, Teri started nibbling on her fingernails on her right hand. She nervously tapped her foot and droned out the flight attendants who were going through their spiel on emergency exits. The seat belt sign was on, they were ready for take off.

Come on! Come on! What is taking so long! Let’s get going. Roll this baby down the runway, will you?

A full ten minutes passed and the captain’s voice came over the loud speaker. “We are experiencing some back up here on the runway. This is not uncommon and we should be cleared to taxi to our runway in just a few moments. Please relax and keep your seat belts fastened.”

Teri had nibbled all the fingernails off her right hand and was now starting on her left hand. Then she remembered Gordon asking her that morning on the beach if she bit her nails because that was one thing he didn’t like. She nibbled with a renewed interest. What did it matter what Gordon liked or didn’t like? She wasn’t suppose to be thinking of him anyway. She was going home. Blocking him out of her mind. What was he doing here with her, so comfortably settled in her innermost thoughts like that?

She grabbed the magazine again and tried in vain to turn the pages with her stubby finger tips.
Why did I do that? Why did I bite off all my nails?

Then, all of a sudden, the tears came. She couldn’t stop them. Huge, watery drops ran down her cheeks and splashed on the magazine page.

This is crazy! Why am I crying? It must be all the stress from Annie and the baby and, and … I need a Kleenex
.

Reaching under the seat in front of her for her purse, Teri rummaged around for a Kleenex, a piece of paper, or anything before her nose started to drip along with her out-of-control tear ducts. In the bottom of her purse she found an old, crumpled,
and dirty pack of tissues with one last tissue in it. She fumbled to pull out the soiled tissue. It was stuck to the cardboard on the bottom.