Authors: Tracy Brown
Sunny looked over at Jada and threw up her hands in defeat. “Well,” she said. “Guess who really fucked up this time?”
“You
.
”
Jada shook her head.
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Once Marisol and Mercedes had gone, Sunny and Jada sat down on stools perched around the island in the center of the kitchen. Sunny opened the fridge and snatched the container of orange juice. She was clearly still upset. She slammed the juice down on the counter and grabbed two glasses out of the cupboard.
“Mercedes is all upset,” she muttered. “She has enough shit to deal with, and now these fuckin' Douglases want to come sniffing around trying to get their hands on Dorian's money. They kill me!”
Sunny sat down, but her hands kept moving, busying themselves with sweeping up miniscule crumbs, straightening the napkins in the dispenser, repositioning the salt and pepper shakers.
Jada watched her. Twisting the top off of the orange juice, she poured some into each of their glasses, her heart breaking the whole time. It was like looking in a mirror and seeing herself all those years ago when she was strung out but convinced that she still had it all under control. Jada had once believed that all of her troubles were someone else's fault. Hearing Sunny singing the same song made her sad. When she was done pouring the juice, Jada sipped hers slowly while she listened to Sunny rambling. After a couple of minutes, she couldn't stand it anymore.
“Sunny,” she said. “Calm down for a minute.”
“Calm down?” Sunny repeated, incredulously. She scoffed as if the very notion was unimaginable. She had to keep goingâand going fast. Because if she stopped and considered the enormity of her situationâher arrest, Malcolm's abandonment, the shakedown by the authorities, the ambush by the tabloids, her daughter's disappointment, her family's judgment, the public scrutiny, Dorian's family's threat to fight for custody of Mercedes ⦠If she allowed herself to calm down like Jada suggested, she might fall completely apart.
“I can't.” Sunny rubbed her arms, suddenly cold despite the warm June temperature.
Jada watched her closely. Sunny stared absently at her hands while she chattered on about the conditions in the Mexican jail. She knew Sunny well enough to discern that she was unraveling. Jada had never seen her like this. She was angry, anxious, scared to death, and fighting for control all at once. Gone was the fun-loving life of the party Sunny had once been. In her place was a woman broken by her own choices. Jada stared at Sunny until her gaze bore into her. Sunny looked up. The friends locked eyes, and Sunny saw sympathy in Jada's brown eyes.
Jada offered a weak smile. “You know I've been there,” she said.
Sunny laughed a bit too loud. “You've been in a Mexican jail cell?”
Jada wasn't laughing. “No. But, I know exactly what you're going through.”
Tears welled in Sunny's eyes. She let out a long sigh to fight them back.
“I remember how it felt ⦠fighting for custody of Sheldon, trying to convince everyone, including myself, that I had it all under control, trying not to think about how much I
missed
getting high. 'Cause that's what got me in trouble in the first place. But getting high was still the main thing on my mind. I was disgusted with myself.”
A lone tear streamed down Sunny's face. It was as if Jada was reading her thoughts and emotions.
“Like I said,” Jada continued. She reached across the island and held Sunny's hand. “I've been there.”
Sunny squeezed Jada's hand. She shook her head in dismay. “You ever want to get high, still?”
Jada stared at Sunny, seriously. She thought about her recent excursion to Silver Lake Park. She kept it real with her friend. “Sometimes I do. But I think about all the hell I went through those other times. I think about how I lost everything and everybody, and how I lost myself.”
“I hear you.” Sunny sniffled, took her hand back, and wiped her nose. “Everything is just ⦠so fucked up.”
Jada silently agreed. “Sunny,” she said, gently. “When did you start back using again?” During the drive from Jada's home in Staten Island to Sunny's parents' home in Brooklyn, Jada had rewound the events of the past few months in her mind to try to determine when Sunny had relapsed. She thought about the signs she had clearly missed, distracted as she was by Sheldon's shenanigans. Jada felt terrible, having missed the chance to save her friend from the clutches of the devilish drug that had stolen so much of their happiness already.
Sunny shook her head and averted her eyes, shamefully. She didn't answer for several long moments. Finally, she met Jada's gaze again, her expression serious.
“Remember last year when Malcolm told us about the movie deal? When I was so gung ho about going to L.A.?”
Jada squeezed her eyes shut. She remembered it all too well. Both she and Sunny were supposed to go on that trip. But when she had told Born about it, he had asked her not to go. And Sunny had gone alone. Jada had agonized over that for a long time, and she felt terrible now that she knew Sunny had reacquainted herself with cocaine during that trip.
“I went to Sean Hardy's big bash at his house. It was
crazy
in there. He had a groupie passed out in his bedroom, and he asked me to sit there with her until he came back. He had been going in and out all throughout the party to check on her. But he felt like he was neglecting his guests, so he asked if I would keep an eye on her. There was a pile of cocaine on the dresser.” Sunny caught herself salivating at the memory. “Sean left me there alone with that coke. I sat there for a while and tried to fight that shit, Jada. But the urge to do it ⦠it overpowered me. Before I knew it, I had snorted most of it.” Sunny shook her head. She hated Sean for that. He had left her alone with a drug that was calling her name. As she reflected on it now, Sean was the devil himself, ushering her into a hell which she could not escape.
“So you were there when that girl died?” Jada asked.
Sunny shrugged. “I guess so. Jada, I was in such a trance that I don't even know when she died. I was too busy partying all by my damn self. When Sean finally brought his ass back to the room, he passed out. We woke up the next morning, and the girl was dead, and all hell broke loose. I left there with what was left of the cocaine and went back to my hotel room to get high some more.”
Jada's face was twisted into a deep frown as she imagined all of this. “And Malcolm? He knew?”
Sunny wiped her tears angrily. “That muthafucka!” she hissed. “Don't even mention his name!”
Jada's head tilted slightly. “Okay,” she said. “I won't say his name again. But we do have to talk about him. Where is he? And did he know that you were getting high?”
Sunny rolled her eyes. The very thought of him made her sick. “He wasn't there. I stood him up when we were supposed to meet with producers. He picked me up at the precinct after they took out the dead body and brought us all in for questioning.” She licked her lips, her mouth suddenly bone dry. “He didn't know I was getting high. He found out at the airport in Mexico, after I got caught with the coke in my bag.” She looked at Jada, and said the words she hated to hear come out of her own mouth. “That was the last time I saw him. He left me alone in Mexico and flew back home without me.”
Jada's frown deepened. “What?”
Sunny nodded. “He's a pussy, Jada.” She sipped her orange juice and slapped the glass back down on the island after she drained it. “I mean ⦠I knew he was no Dorian. But to do some sucker shit like leave me alone in a foreign country to face a drug rap by myself?” Sunny's voice cracked. She toyed with a napkin just to have something to occupy her hands.
Jada's heart broke at the pain she discerned in Sunny's voice. She didn't know what to say, so for several moments they sat silently. Finally, Jada cleared her throat and broke the ice.
“Remember when Born caught me getting high years ago? How he threw me out and had Miss Ingrid come and help me pack up all my things?”
Sunny nodded.
“At the time, I thought that was the worst thing anyone could do to me. I needed help, not abandonment. At least that's how I felt at the time. But back then I was looking at the whole thing through tainted eyes. The truth is, Born had every right to throw me out of his life. I lied to him. I stole from him. And he had to find out what I was up to the hard way.”
Sunny stared at Jada through narrowed eyes. “So you're saying that Malcolm had every right to run like a bitch? Why? Because I lied and hid shit from him?”
Jada shook her head. “I'm saying that people react differently to the news that someone they love is an addict.”
“Don't call me that.” Sunny's voice was even.
Jada frowned. “Why not? That's what we are. Recovering aâ”
Sunny cut her off. “I'm still not understanding how you and Born compares to me and the coward.”
“I'm saying Malcolm's reaction wasn't the best one, obviously. But, in some ways it's just like what Born did. If he hadn't left me then, I might still be getting high.” Jada thought about it for a moment. “When he left me, it forced me to hit rock bottom. And that's what I needed. It was a scary, crazy journey back to myself, Sunny. But if I did it, you can definitely do it.”
Sunny shrugged. She wasn't in the mood for a pep talk. It felt to her like she had lost her best friend. In the old days, Jada might have been the kind of friend Sunny could trust to bring her a line or two to even herself out. More than anything, Sunny wanted to get high right now. Just one or two quick hits would set her right. But Jada wasn't the same anymore.
Sunny's facial expression and tone were condescending as she spoke. “Your situation with Born is completely different from mine with bitchass Malcolm. Born is the love of your life. So of course he was hurt and reacted the way that he did. Malcom is not the great love of my life.”
“No. Dorian was.”
“Exactly.”
“And if he was alive, he would be so mad at you, and you know it.”
Rage bubbled up in Sunny so quickly that she didn't even have a chance to think about it.
“FUCK YOU, JADA!”
Sunny's voice boomed, echoing off the kitchen walls. “If he was alive, I wouldn't be doing this shit!”
Jada wasn't letting her off the hook just because she was pissed off. “Sunny, you can't believe that.”
“Shut the fuck up, Jada! Now all of a sudden you're Miss Holier Than Thou!”
“No, I'm not!”
“Sitting here acting like you didn't use to snort as much of that shit as I did.”
“I'm not acting like that!” Jada insisted. “I was right there doing it with you. You know what? Just the other day I was sitting in the park by myself, stressed out over Sheldon and missing Born. And I wanted to get high so bad!”
“But you didn't, right?” She felt like Jada was gloating, looking down on her.
“That's not because I'm better than you,” Jada insisted. “I'm not saying that.”
Sunny shook her head. “
No.
It's not because you're better than me.” Sunny's voice was mocking. “It's because your man deserted you and forced you out on the streets to get knocked up by some bum-ass nigga. Then you had your baby and BAM! It was a miracle! You never got high again. And you owe it all to Born!” Sunny sucked her teeth dramatically. “Get the fuck outta here with that. Take a long, hard look at your son. Poor Sheldon.”
Sunny let the words linger in the air. She looked at Jada sitting there, trembling with rage and hopefully guilt.
Finally,
Sunny thought. Jada was feeling the way she did for the first time in ages. “I
know
you, remember? Save the sound bites for your interviews.”
Jada sat in stunned silence for several long and awkward moments. Sunny's words stung.
Sunny wasn't done. She shook her head, disappointed.
“You know what, Jada? I thought you were my friend. All these years ⦠me and you on some Oprah and Gayle type shit. But those days are gone. They've been gone for a long time. You gonna sit here and tell me that Dorian would be mad at me. How could I expect you to understand? Matter of fact, who are you? I hardly ever even fucking see you anymore. Truth be told, you forgot about me the minute Born came back into your life.”
“That's a lie.” Jada denied it, but thought about it. Had she?
“You forgot about the good times. You used to be
fun
! But look at you now. You're so fucking dry and boring and
stuck up
! Don't come over here with your Dr. Drew speeches about how far you came because you got kicked down to nothing. Good for you! You forgave the bastard who threw you out when you needed him most.” Sunny applauded dramatically and then stopped. “Well, not me! You can keep that testimony. That's
your
story. Not mine.”
Sunny stood to put the glasses in the sink, even though Jada had barely touched hers. Jada watched her and tried not to be hurt by the things her friend had just said. But it was no use. Sunny had cut her verbally and Jada's heart ached. She was either going to cry or hit Sunny below the belt, and she didn't like either of those options. Instead, she got up off the stool, retrieved her bag, and walked out in silence.
Sunny watched her go, and tried to ignore her own heart's aching. She knew deep down inside that she was fiending. Her longing for a hit of cocaine was taking control of her every waking moment.
Fuck it,
she thought. Jada, and anyone else who judged her, could go to hell!
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Zion rang the doorbell, took a deep breath, and waited. Lately, his every interaction with Olivia felt forced. He wasn't in the mood for a fight today. All he wanted was to drop off his daughter, keep his conversation with her mother short and sweet, and get out of there. He looked down at Adiva and smiled. She reassuringly squeezed his hand, as if sensing his apprehension.