Who He Is (FireNine, book 1) (36 page)

“I know,” I whispered over his shoulder, but there was no need to think about it.

I had to go.

During the ride back to the buses
, we cuddled and talked about how he thought his performance was going to go on Saturday. He told me he had it in the bag and that the boys had been practicing so much they had no choice but to be amazing. I agreed. The boys practiced most mornings or early afternoons. It was hard to do without Deed, but they made do. Deed practiced on the bus, trying to regain his strength. He still sounded awesome.

As we pulled into
the parking lot, I hopped out and Gage kissed me good-bye. He had an interview at a radio station in thirty minutes and couldn’t be late. Our fingers lingered on each other’s as he took slow steps away, his smile gentle and loving. Finally, he stole another kiss and then hopped into the car. I watched him leave and sighed.

I didn’t see Gage for the rest of the day. I knew he was with his band
, so I took the time to paint. I painted Gage’s beautiful face, of course. I’d even created a new logo for FireNine and thought it was pretty cool.

Then the fresh, beautiful memories came back. Putting paint all over Gage’s glorious body. Watching the paint cover some of his tattoos. The way I giggled and he laughed as he tackled me just to put a dot of paint on the center of my forehead. I sighed because it was so vivid, so romantic
… so
surreal
.

The next morning, I felt like I was
going to hurl. It was Saturday, the day of the boys’ show. Thinking about it made me sick to my stomach. It made me so sick that I didn’t even attend the show. I knew I should have. I should have been there to support Gage, but my body refused for me to go. The entire day I was grabbing my stomach, a trash bin by my side. I hated how sick I felt, how lonely I felt. I thought I was overreacting… That is, until I finally vomited.

I drank some
orange juice to sooth my tummy, then went to my room to do something I really didn’t want to do. Pack. I packed up everything, made the bed, fluffed the pillows, and even cleaned the bathroom. I cleaned the living room as well, and when I was out of stuff to do, I slouched down on the couch and tears burned the rims of my eyes. I held back, swallowing and breathing through my nostrils.

Gage didn’t show up that night either
, and it hurt my heart, but I knew it was necessary. Maybe he knew I wasn’t taking him up on his offer and I’d chosen to go home. Maybe he knew as much as I did that I had to go, even when he didn’t want me to. I should have been satisfied with that… right? That should have made me happy because it meant it would be easier for me to leave. I wouldn’t have to worry about hurting him.

Finally, the tears fell,
as I realized maybe he was out doing something with another girl. Any girl. He could have been doing it just to forget. He probably knew he wouldn’t be able to hold me back, so I broke down, sobbed into my hands until I couldn’t cry anymore. I hated how much it hurt. How much
love
hurt. I was so used to being myself, avoiding boys, and doing my own thing, and then
bam
, there’s Gage Grendel. He had my heart and I didn’t even know I’d given it to him.

Full of
sorrow, I stood and went to my room, nowhere near ready for Sunday. It was time; I knew. I had to let it go and tell myself that my life and career was more important… even if I did have an aching heart during the process.

I
woke up early Sunday. I turned off the alarm on my phone, climbed out of bed grudgingly, brushed my teeth, got dressed, and then grabbed my bags. Ben was already waiting in the kitchen with a mug in his hand, which most likely contained coffee. I adjusted the strap of my bag on my shoulder, giving him a forced smile.

“Morning, sweetie,” he whispered.

“Morning,” I sighed, dropping my bags by the door. I slid my fingers into my back pockets, staring at Ben who was staring at me. “What?” I asked, suddenly self-conscious. I knew I looked horrible from my lack of sleep, but he didn’t have to stare at me.

“Nothing,” he said simply
, then took a sip of his coffee.

“Is Marco already out?” I asked, reaching for my bags again. The sooner I was home, the better. I couldn’t linger around because lingering meant wallowing again.

“Yeah, Liza. Go ahead.” He forced a smile, but my eyebrows knitted, confused by his staring and short responses.

“Why are you looking at me like that?” I finally
asked, twisting around to look at him.

He paused
in taking a sip of his coffee as he stared into my swollen eyes. He then placed his coffee down on the counter and sighed, and I hated myself for taking my heartache out on him. “Liza,” he murmured again, stepping out of the kitchen. He met up to me, pulled me in for a hug, and I squeezed my eyes shut, begging for no tears. “Sweetie, I know you’re upset you have to go,” he said, rubbing my back. “I’m sorry it has to be like this for you. I’m sorry it’s so hard.” He pushed me back by the shoulders and a tear fell down my cheek. “You know just as well as I do that school and your future comes first. It’s all you’ve ever talked about. You come before any guy, no matter if he has your heart or not. There’ll always be chances to see Gage again—”

“It won’t be the same, Ben,” I said, cutting him off midsentence.

“How will it not?”

“It just
… won’t. I know it. I haven’t seen him in two nights. He knows it, too.”

“Two nights?” His lips twisted as he pulled back. “Oh. I’m sorry, Liza Bear.”

“It’s fine. He just made it easier for me to go.” I turned my back to Ben, bending down to reach for my bags again. “I’ll be ready to go when you are.”

His lips parted, as if he
were going to say something, but he decided to hold off and nod his head instead. I swung the door open and as soon as I did, my breath caught at the sight of Gage. My heart skipped a beat, looking at his fist that was about to knock.

His gaze swung up quickly as the door opened
, and as he saw me, his eyes softened. There were dark circles beneath them, like he hadn’t slept in hours. His clothes looked worn and used, and his hair was messier than the norm but still unbelievably sexy. I took a look over my shoulder, glad Ben was making his way down the hallway.

I then looked at Gage who had taken a step down, his eyes pleading. “Eliza, can we talk?” he asked. Right after he asked, he took a glance at the bags in my hands and on my shoulder.

“There’s nothing to talk about, Gage.” I stepped down and walked past him to get across the parking lot and to Marco’s truck, but before I could make it, he caught my arm and spun me around.

“Eliza, stop
. I’m sorry. I got… I got caught up.”

“With what, Gage?” I snapped, yanking my arm free. He swallowed, his head lowering. “With
fucking your whores? The dozens of skanks who only want you for your stardom?” My tone was harsh, I knew it, but I was furious. I couldn’t stop. “I thought we had fun. I actually wanted something more. I considered telling you good-bye the right way, but then you just… you disappeared on me.” My eyes burned as my voice cracked. He lifted his head and reached for my face, but I pulled back. “Don’t touch me. Just go away.”

“Eliza, I’m sorry. I swear. I got caught up! Penelope wouldn’t leave. She threatened me after seeing us together Friday night. She’s been watching me. I don’t know how
she’s been doing it, but she threatened to tell about Kris if I didn’t spend time with her. I’m not letting her do that.”

I scowled at him, jabbing a finger against his chest. “You were with
Penelope
?” I snarled. “Seriously!”

“I’m sorry
! I told you about her. She knows too much. I tried calling Ben to get in contact with you, Eliza. I called almost every chance I could, but his phone kept going straight to voicemail—I even came here when I got a chance, but no one answered the fucking door!”

“You swore, Gage! You fucking swore you would leave her alone for me!”

“Eliza, I-I’m sorry.”

I shook my head with incredulous eyes. I couldn’t believe him. While I was alone and worried about him, he was with her. Vicious thoughts came to mind and I wanted to slap him so badly
, but I held off, biting my lip.

“
It’s good you were with her, Gage,” I said. “It’s good.”

His
eyes struck with pain. “How? Why would you say that?”

“Because it makes it easier to leave. It makes it easier to forget about whatever it was between us.
I knew it wouldn’t work.”

His mouth fell open, gaping. He took a step back, as if I’d just shot him right in the heart. Perhaps that’s what it felt like because as I went over my words, I realized how harsh they sounded. But he hurt me. I couldn’t let it go. The night we shared at the hotel… what was that to him?

“I don’t know why I put so much trust in you. You warned me yourself. You’re fucking selfish, Gage.”

“Eliza, you don’t mean any of this. I’m sorry
, I swear.” He reached for my hand, but I yanked back.

“Don’t fucking touch me,” I snarled.

He looked me over, baffled, and I wanted to leave him stumped. I was pissed. I couldn’t face him anymore. He was a liar. He was my first at everything and he just… demolished it. I thought we had more, but seeing as he was with Penelope for two whole days, perhaps I was wrong.

I decided not to s
ay anything else. I had to go.

Immediately.

I turned, pulling my bag on my shoulder and fighting tears, but Gage ran around me to stop me. “Eliza, don’t leave me. Please,” he whispered, grabbing my hands. Tears were building up in his eyes, but I shook my head. I couldn’t look at him. I couldn’t match his pain with my own. I would cave. I didn’t need to cave; I just needed to go. “I was trying to find time to get you to change your mind, and I’m sorry I let her get in our way. I’m sorry I didn’t spend the last two nights with you. It was all I wanted, but… she kept holding me back. She knew I was going to drop her for you, so she wailed on me. She threatened to expose me and Kris.”

I shook my head. “I have to go, Gage.”

“Eliza, no. Please,” he begged, gripping my hands and placing his forehead against mine. “Eliza, you mean so much to me. You can’t just leave like this.”

I refused to open my eyes. I couldn’t look at him. I couldn’t break. I only shook my head, hoping he would let me go.