Who I'm Not (7 page)

She looked at me through her glasses and then around the room. There were two teenage moms at the far end, drinking takeout coffees. There were plenty of empty tables and chairs. She looked back at her work.

I pulled out a chair. At least she hadn't said no. I sat down, and my leg started bouncing. I had to know about her name. Keeping my voice low, I said, “Hey, sorry to bother you, but you work at the library, right? Can I ask you a question?”

She kept on writing for a second and then she said, “You took money.”

“What?”

“When the books fell over, you leaned across the desk and took money from the cash drawer.”

“What are you talking about? I didn't take any money. From where?” If I'd learned one thing in the Bad Time, it was never cop to anything.

She didn't even blink. “I don't talk to thieves, and I don't talk to liars.”

If I'd left right then, maybe I'd never have told anyone any of this. Maybe I should have left, but I couldn't. I had to know her name to know if my luck was going to run. “Look,” I said, “I didn't take money from anywhere, and I'm real sorry to bother you. All I wanted was to ask your first name.”

She bent over her work again. “Go away. I don't talk to liars.”

Except I couldn't go away, not if I was going to keep my luck running. I sat there and said, “Well, if you saw me steal money, why didn't you tell?”

Her face got red, but she didn't look up. “Maybe I will.”

“Oh, yeah? Well, if I
had
stolen money, what if I'd needed it?”

“I've heard that before.”

“Well, what if I'd needed it and was never going to do it again?”

“I've heard that before too.” Her head was still down, but she wasn't writing anything.

“Okay, sorry,” I said. “Like I said, all I wanted to know was your first name.” I pretended I was going to stand up. It didn't work. She didn't speak. I had to stand up. I started to push the chair in, saying, “I thought it was the same as somebody I used to know. Someone important to me. I thought I saw it on your name tag, but I wasn't sure.”

Now she looked up. I gave her that
I wish
smile I'd given so many times to so many marks. “I'll tell you when you tell me you stole that money,” she said.

I saw a way to spin it. I sat back down. “Okay. But I had to do it.”

“Right.”

“I did. It's this delayed-reaction condition from something bad that happened to me.”

“Uh-huh.”

“No, really. It was on the news and in the paper. You probably heard.”

She shook her head. “I don't watch the news.”

“Why not?”

“Because I was in it once too.”

“Yeah, right,” I said and smiled again. She didn't like that.

“I was.”

“Really? What for?”

She leaned back in her chair. Her chest was as flat as her voice. “You really don't know who I am.”

“I've been, uh, away,” I said, “For a long time. Apart from your first name, it doesn't matter. I don't even want to know. Be anybody you want. Who do you
want
to be?”

“Who do I want to be?”

“Yeah.”

For the first time, she almost smiled. “Anybody but me. Who do you want to be?”

It was a good question. I shrugged. “I don't even know who I am.” I laughed to turn it into a joke. “For now my name is Danny.”

“My name tag says Gillian,” she said.

“Gillian?” I asked.

She said, “You say it like a
J
but spell it with a
G
.”

It was close enough. My luck was running.

FIFTEEN

Maybe it was because my luck was running that I pushed it a little harder. At noon I ditched Open Book and headed back to the house. Everybody was at work or school, so I had the place to myself. I needed it.

With Harley, you'd do fakes for the day, but then you could crash. Living in RVs and motels might not seem private to you, but there were still lots of times when I'd been left alone. Here, I was Danny 24/7 and never alone. I even had to share a bedroom with Matt. The kids were always on me to do something with them. The only place I could get away from everyone was the bathroom. I'd go there and think about Meg. The walls were thin too. Once, late, I heard Roy and Shan going at it. It was too much information. After Harley and Darla had split up, if he wanted to bring someone back he would give me money for a movie, or I'd wander a mall. I was older by then. Apart from the fact that we went around robbing people blind, the wildest thing Harley would ever do was have a beer or two watching the ball game, or smoke a little weed sometimes. He didn't think I knew what it was at first, but I'd been with more that one secret smoker in the Bad Time. The point was, there was space.

Anyway, when I opened the door there was a box sitting in the hall, with a paper attached to it that said
Danny
. I guessed Carleen had stopped by with some of Danny's old stuff. There were little trophies for soccer, a Darth Vader poster, a couple of Garfield books, some lame CDs, bad drawings of motorcycles and dragons, a few photos of him and some other kids making gang signs with their hands, and one of him in his hat and shades, giving both fingers to the camera. It was crap, stupid. I left the box where it was and wondered how long I could go on doing this. I'd been Danny almost three weeks, and for now I was stuck being him. I couldn't take off until I had some cash and a plan to at least get back to the States. And even if I had those things right now, I couldn't make Danny disappear again so soon. The cops would be all over it. I'd probably barely get out of town. My best bet was still to hang in until his birthday.

And that wasn't forever, was it? My luck was running.
Do before you get done.
I made a sandwich, then did some things around the house. First, I took five dollars out of Matt's money stash in his Lego bucket. While I was at it, I checked the cash in Shan's boot too. There was ten dollars more—even better. I took five dollars in coins. There were so many, it would be easy for Shan to think she'd miscounted. Next, I went on the computer and searched a map of Port Hope. If I was going to get out of here, it was time to get a better idea where I was. Matt had said the place was on a lake. Well, he was right—it was on Lake Ontario, a Great Lake. Danny would have called it “a big sucker.” The beauty part, though, was what was on the other side: the USA. I was a boat ride from freedom.

That made me feel so good that I took Matt's bike and rode it down to the harbor. It was a
really
big lake—you couldn't see across to the other side. But there were boats there, and they looked easy to get at, and on the map the lake looked a lot longer than it was wide. Maybe the States was closer than I thought. I wondered if I could steal a boat when the time came, and how hard it was to run one. I'd never been on a boat.

I turned around and rode back to Open Book. I got upstairs just as Gillian was getting ready to leave. She didn't frown this time. “I've got something for you,” I said.

“What?”

I pulled out the money I'd scored and lifted the five. “Take it back if you want.”

Now she did frown.

“It's different,” I said. “I made this cutting the lawn.”

“Then give it back yourself,” she said.

“Okay, I will. If you let me buy us coffee tomorrow. Or tea or something.” She smiled a quick, tight smile and her face turned pink. She headed for the stairs. “You know I'll pay it back,” I called. “See you tomorrow.” It was just like snowing sales ladies in Tucson, and it was worth it. As I looked out the window and watched Gillian unlock a bike from the rack where I'd stashed Matt's, I saw Griffin, the old cop, getting into a silver Camry. Then the kid I'd jumped at school walked down the street with two other guys, maybe the ones that had been with him that day.

I waited till they were gone, then went down and got Matt's bike. Griffin was still sitting in his car, maybe waiting for somebody. He didn't look my way, so I rode on.

When I got back to Shan's, it was still early. I ditched Matt's bike at the side of the house and went in. It seemed like a good time to think about Meg.

“Who's that?” It was Roy's voice, from the living room.

“It's just me,” I called. I opened and shut the refrigerator to stall for a second, getting Danny together, then I went on into the living room, making sure to toe out.

Roy was in his recliner, still in his work clothes. “It's a hot sucker out there,” I said.

Roy grunted. “How come you're home so early?”

I shrugged. “I got my work done, so I could go. How come you're home?”

“I put my back out at work. It hurts like hell.”

“Bummer.”

“Matt's bike was gone when I got home. He's not allowed to take it to school. You take it without asking?”

“No,” I said. “You sure? The sucker was there just now when I came in.”

He looked at me sourly. “Get me a ginger ale, will ya? It's a bugger to get up.”

I got a can out of the fridge and handed it to him.

“Dude,” he said, “I heard the bike hit the side of the house when you got back.”

I did my confused thing, then the Danny smirk. “I bumped into it. So what?”

Roy shook his head. “You really haven't changed, have you? Shoplifting, getting kicked out of school…Listen,
Danny
”—he bit down hard on the name—“don't take things that don't belong to you without permission. Got it? That's the second damn bike I've had to buy for Matt. And don't make things hard for Shan either, 'specially by lying. She's got enough problems with your mom and that dickwad Ty. You don't like it here, see how you like it at Carleen's—and I don't care what your social worker says.”

“Sure, Roy. Okay.” I nodded and bounced and Danny-smiled. Then I promised myself I'd flush his dope down the toilet before I left.

SIXTEEN

At dinner that night, Roy, who was propped up with cushions, said he thought I should get a part-time job so I'd “learn responsibility” and wouldn't have so much time on my hands. I said that sounded good to me. I'd never had a straight job, and maybe Danny never had either, but I figured I could hack it, and I needed the money. Shan called a friend and arranged for me to start work for Dave the Garden Fairy that Saturday.

Thursday and Friday, I went to Open Book. Partly I had to—well, I had to leave the house, anyway, because Roy was home with his sore back. Mainly, though, I wanted to guarantee my good luck, whatever it cost.

Gillian was there ahead of me both days. I sat down beside her on Thursday morning. Right away, without even looking up, she said, “Did you take the money back?”

“Soon as the library opens,” I said. At ten o'clock I walked over to the library, signed out a book and, when the clerk turned away, dropped the five-dollar bill on the floor behind the counter. I hung around by the doors until I saw her notice the money and pick it up, then went back to Gillian. “Done,” I said, sitting back down. “Go ask them if they found five dollars, if you don't believe me. When do you want to go for coffee or something?” At lunchtime she let me buy her tea.

Friday, she insisted on buying
me
something, which was good because I was out of money and didn't want to take anymore right away. I was hoping the Garden Fairy would pay me Saturday, the same day I worked. Gillian said she was just going to be at Open Book until she and her mom and sister moved.

“When's that?” I didn't want to lose my luck.

She shrugged. “Whenever we sell the house.” I didn't like that. How long did it take to sell a house? It helped keep me at Open Book all day, as if I had to soak up as much luck as I could while it was still there. I even did some work to pass the time. I told the teacher I wanted to start with English, so I spent the time reading
To Kill a Mockingbird
, which I'd already read, and then answering lame questions in a workbook and listening to the babies cry. There are worse ways to spend a day.

I got the Garden Fairy joke when Dave pulled up on Saturday morning. He was a bulldog of a guy with a laugh like a chainsaw revving. Two fingers on his left hand were just stubs. “I had an argument with a lawn mower once,” he said as he showed me how to start one up. “I lost.”

Dave drove around in a bright yellow pickup with
Garden Fairy
painted on the sides. We went to three different places that first day, cutting lawns and trimming hedges and bushes. Shan had packed me a lunch. Dave loaned me gloves, but I still got blisters. It was hard work, but I didn't mind much. It felt good to be outside, doing stuff, and I didn't have to do much Danny. The only time I thought about him was when Griffin drove by once.

The best part of the day was at the very end. By then it was cool and looking like rain. Dave the Garden Fairy and I drove a load of cuttings to a place just outside of town where he knew he could dump them. You could see the lake in the distance. We bumped down a dirt path that followed a creek along the side of a field and suddenly came out on an embankment above the lake shore. I helped Dave pitch the grass and leaves into a gully. Dave stopped for a smoke. His gray Notre Dame T-shirt had big patches of sweat. I felt pretty grubby myself.

“Okay if I go down on the beach?” I asked.

“Be my guest.” Dave waved his hand. Even with fingers missing, it was the size of a pot roast. I scrambled down. Barely a mile from town, it looked as if you were in the wilderness. The lake was like an ocean. Waves were rolling, and they were loud, too, like white noise from a TV not hooked up to cable. I threw stones into the water, but my arms were already sore from working, so I sat down on a log until Dave finished his cigarette, imagining what it would be like on the other side.