Why Men Love Bitches (16 page)

As long as a woman stays in control of remaining who she is, he will need her. When a man thinks about a woman who has control over herself, he automatically thinks about her preferences and about ways to please her.

Women are much more likely to cancel plans. Men don’t give up “boys’ night out.” Men don’t give up their work, or their sleep, or their food. (Most don’t even give up their mothers.) Likewise, they respect a woman who will hold onto what is important to her.

When was the last time you heard a guy call his barber and say, “Yeah, Sam … I’ll need to cancel my 2:15 haircut. Sally and I need to spend more time bonding.” It just ain’t happening. It doesn’t matter if you swung from the chandelier the night before with show-stopping sex accompanied by screaming that scared off the alley cats. At 2:15, your man will belong to Sam. Men can shift gears from romantic to practical—and so can the bitch. She speaks to him in his own language.

The nice girl, however, is too needy to let go. “But he did all of the pursuing,” says the nice girl. This may be true, but you have the power to decide when you show up—and this is how you stay the boss of you.

Even in a racing event, the car has to pull into the pit to have the tires changed or it won’t be able to stay on the track, it won’t be able to control its direction, and it will lose traction. Men don’t always think long term, so if you let him control the speed, he’s likely to let the relationship crash at high speed into a wall. As the adage goes, “The candle that burns twice as bright burns half as long.” That’s why you absolutely must set the pace and keep your own rhythm. Otherwise, he’ll have you jumping through hoops. Again, it doesn’t matter if he wants to see you constantly. Even if he’s an incredible guy and you feel great temptation,
don’t give him all of your time
.

In the beginning, try to see him two-thirds of the time that he asks. For the remaining third, you have “something else going on.” Don’t sit at home twiddling your thumbs waiting for his next call. Keep in mind that this isn’t about “playing hard to get.”
Keep it real
. Force yourself to keep the routine you had before you met him. Once you lose your rhythm, you lose your psychological equilibrium and you become needy.

My former roommate Gale was always very good at this. She’d often turn off her ringer and wouldn’t take any calls. In the afternoon, if she felt tired and wanted to stay home for the evening, she’d cancel her date. She’d have a glass of wine and chill with a good book or her favorite TV program. Gale always had a quality man pursuing her.

Being a bitch isn’t about exuding a certain kind of arrogance. Contrary to what the media would have us believe, it doesn’t matter how “hip,” “cool,” or “cocky” you appear to be. Power is the control you have over yourself. In fact, when a woman is trying too hard to be “cocky,” she’s usually not moving to her own rhythm because she’s trying too hard to convince herself that she is stronger than she really is.

As Gregory Corso said, “Standing on a street corner waiting for no one is power.” When you don’t wait for anyone, it’s because you don’t
need
anyone. When you approach men this way, any man who steps up to the plate will have to meet you at your level. First, you have to stop needing his approval—only then will your needs be met.

For example, Lynn had just started dating a plastic surgeon named Kevin. They had separate residences, and one night she cooked dinner for him. He called at the last minute to cancel their preplanned dinner date because he had switched shifts with another surgeon. Lynn had already cooked an elaborate meal. His call came only a half-hour before he was supposed to show up. Had he called her early in the day right after he agreed to switch shifts, she wouldn’t have labored tirelessly.

Here’s where she made a mistake of jumping through hoops. She offered to cook the same dinner again the following night.
And
she agreed to drive to his place to do it. What she should have done is put “the skids” on the cooking plans altogether. She should have said, “
Mmm.
It’s really good, Kevin. Too bad you missed out.”

When a man treats a woman with disrespect and she takes it, he begins to lose respect for her. Predictably, Lynn was at Kevin’s place the following evening; he wasn’t appreciative, which hurt her feelings. They stopped dating a short while later.

A bitch prioritizes herself over “melting” into someone else. Because of this, her no means
no,
and her yes means
yes.
The objective isn’t to be obnoxious but to have the ability to be clear. You can be very nice and still be clear. A man will respect a woman who is clear and direct about what she needs, without waffling or second-guessing herself. If a man is late for a date, for example, the bitch will become annoyed because she is inconvenienced. Annoyance is different than becoming emotional. She’ll say something more along the lines of, “Don’t waste my time. If you are going to be late, please let me know so I can make other arrangements. I have better things I can be doing with my time than waiting around.”

If he chooses not to respect her the next time around, she allows fifteen or twenty minutes and then leaves without him. Her time and priorities are important to her. At no time does she give herself up.

When you’re in this type of situation, ask yourself the following questions: What does this look like from his vantage point? What message am I sending by my reactions to his behavior?

Your true power, therefore, is marked by:

• Realizing what your rhythm is, and moving to it
  
• Knowing who you are, and what you will or will not accept
  
• Having the ability to make a decision
  without
  second-guessing yourself afterward, and without being talked out of how you feel
  
• Having self-control, because
  true
  power is the control you have over
  yourself
  

When you have control of yourself, you don’t need to be emotional all the time. When you have a sassy “edge,” you stay the boss … of you. Ironically, this is also when you become the boss … of him.

One man described a perfect example of how men get spooked by too much sappy emotional talk, particularly early on in the relationship. He was put off by receiving several tear-jerking Hallmark cards from a woman he’d just met.

Another example of this is a man who was constantly read poems by a woman he’d just met. “They always seemed so long and drawn out. Some of them were short and boring. But the one thing in common is that they all sucked. ‘My love for thee.’ Or, ‘My heart is heavy with love and it’s pushing against my rib cage.’ And she’d cry when she read them. I started avoiding her calls.”

One man described dating a woman whom he’d known for three weeks. He said, “A man doesn’t need to hear a woman tell him that she loves him every thirty seconds. This woman said it over and over again. It was like dating a cockatoo … Love you … Love you … Love you … Love you … Love you!”

Men also notice if you are trying too hard to get into a relationship. Do you have twelve sappy relationship books about feelings on your coffee table? Do you have an ad running in the “personals” while you pursue online dating? Do you have that one pushy girlfriend who gives you away? You walk into your home with him after a date and you hit the play button on your answering machine. “Hey, girlfriend. There’s another singles event at the car wash this Sunday. Free coffee. And I hear there’s a new batch of divorcés coming through. The early bird catches the worm!”

Being sassy means you won’t knock yourself out.
The minute a man feels you’re trying too hard, the challenge is over. Once you accidentally step into that arena, you have to win him back by showing him that you won’t wait. You have a life. You have other priorities, some of which come before him.

• Don’t talk for hours on the phone before your first date. Joke around. Be sassy. Make your plans or arrangements to meet and then politely end the conversation.
  
• Don’t discuss deep issues in the beginning. Don’t use catch phrases from therapy like
  cathartic, processing, triggered, owning it,
  or
  inner child.
  Don’t make chicken soup and tell him you “wanna midwife each other’s soul.”
  
• If you believe in astrology, don’t tell him that you can only get together when Mercury is “tiptoeing” around the moon, making a three-week “retrograde” around Jupiter (with a quick stop for coffee on Pluto).
  
• Don’t tell him who you were in a “past life,” or what you plan to come back as in your next one. He’ll think your cheese is sliding off the cracker.
  
• In the beginning, avoid seeing him more than one night in a row. Start out seeing him one to two nights a week.
  
• Don’t pout or whimper when he doesn’t call. You have to make him wonder every now and then about what you’re doing when you’re not with him. When you regulate the timing, it keeps him wanting and it charges up his batteries.
  
• If he takes you to a nice restaurant, don’t order a celery stick “with oil and vinegar on the side,” and then continue to nibble off his plate like a hummingbird. Don’t be so nervous or concerned with impressing him with your table etiquette. Have an appetite for enjoying life.
  
• Don’t disclose over your first dinner what you’re “working through” from childhood.
  
• Don’t try to fix his flaws either. I know one woman who bought a man the book
  Tuesdays with Morrie
  . She thought the book would help him with his workaholism. Too much psychological analysis comes across as too sappy.
  
• Don’t accompany him when he goes out with his friends. You don’t want to be one of the “boys.”
  
• Don’t do any slow drive-bys with your headlights turned off to see if he’s at home. And no high-speed flybys, either.
  
• If he calls you and asks you to come over late at night after he’s been out with his friends, don’t happily go skipping over, kicking your heels together like Julie Andrews in
  The Sound of Music
  .
  
• Don’t date someone who has addictions of any kind, hoping to “help” him by going to AA meetings with him. Let him work out his own stuff. If he can’t treat himself well, he’ll never treat you well.
  
• Never call more than once in a row, even if his machine cuts you short. Don’t leave long mushy messages. Keep the messages friendly, but short and sweet.
  
• Don’t e-mail more than once in a row or send long e-mails about “feelings,” “issues,” and what you “need” that you aren’t getting. If he sends you an email, don’t respond within thirty seconds each and every time.
  
• Don’t stop eating, sleeping, or exercising. Keep your routine. If he wants to spend more time with you than you can comfortably give, invite him to join you in one of your activities—like a walk with your dog or going for a weekend bike ride.
  
• Avoid last-minute dates because you “miss him.”
  
• Don’t walk in the door, check your messages, and call him right back. Settle in, take a bath or shower, eat dinner, and relax. Move to your own rhythm, and then call back. He has to know you have a life …
  every
  day.
  
• If you’re on the phone and you get another call that beeps through, don’t say “Stay right there. Don’t hang up! Whoever it is, I’ll get rid of him!” When you do come back on the line, don’t always be so quick to report the identity of the other caller. “That was the vet. Tigger had an earache.”
  
• Don’t regularly travel forty minutes in traffic to see him because you have a roommate and he has his own place. Look at a map and take note: It’s just as far from his house to your house as it is from your house to his house. So don’t feel guilty about having him come your way.
  
• Don’t ask for affection. Don’t coax affection out of him. Don’t give affection when he isn’t being affectionate. If he’s ignoring you, don’t try harder. “Honey, can I give you a backrub?”
  
• Don’t be a slave to the phone. Don’t play his voice message back to your girlfriend to dissect every detail of your situation. Pay attention to the big picture. Does he add to your life as a whole, and do you feel good after he’s been around? (If not, “fast forward” the message and hit “delete.”)
  
• Don’t memorize his phone number in the first week of dating or call him all the time and hang up. He’ll know it’s you.
  
• If he’s in a bad mood, make an excuse and then go do your own thing.
  
• Above all, make every concerted effort to stay focused on
  your
  life. That’s how you stay sassy in his eyes.