spending as much time as he could away from the office, working his contacts, serving
his clients, trying to forget the taste of Jeff"s lips, the feel of his cock, the curve of his
body when they slept.
But it just wasn"t working. Though this realization astounded him, even more than
the sex, he missed the companionship. No one had ever listened to him the way Jeff did.
Jeff focused one-hundred-percent when they talked. He cared about what Reese had to
say. He never spoke down to him or acted like he was superior because of his education
or background.
When he was with Jeff, all the old hurts, the fears, the lies and covers he"d erected to
face the world were somehow not necessary. Jeff made Reese laugh. He made him
forget everything except how wonderful it was to be together.
What would Jeff say if he really knew? If he knew Reese"s real story, and all the
horrible things he"d done? Would it make him run even farther? Or would he
understand? Maybe, for the first time in his life, Reese had found the one person he
could trust enough to tell. But he"d proved himself untrustworthy in the process. If only
Jeff would give him another chance.
Forget it, Armstrong. He’s through with you
.
An almost uncontrollable impulse suddenly surged through him. He wanted to get
up and stride across the building. He would smash the silk screen out of his way and
demand that Jeff hear him out. Jeff couldn"t very well refuse with everyone watching
them.
He squelched the impulse. No matter how unfair Jeff was being, he wouldn"t
embarrass them both like that. He had to get Jeff alone somehow, but since that wasn"t
happening, he would stop foisting himself where he wasn"t welcome. He would take a
break and get his head on straight. He would try to learn from what had happened.
He needed to put some distance between them. He would go somewhere with a
beach, where he could swim and rest, and put Jeff out of his mind. He might meet
someone new. Maybe he"d never come back to Colorado. He could reinvent himself yet
again, far from anyone who knew anything about him.
If nothing else, his eyes had finally been opened to how destructive his behavior
had been in the past, and the devastating impact it could have on another. Plus he"d
learned he had a capacity for love, something he"d thought had died when his parents
had been killed. That in itself was an amazing thing.
He could
love
.
“Jeff,” he whispered, wishing with all his heart Jeff was there to hear.
~*~
Reese unlocked his door and entered the house with his head down, looking
through the junk mail and bills. When he looked up he realized someone was in his
house. Before his brain processed who it was, he dropped the mail and whirled toward
the intruder, ready to fight.
“Have a nice day at the office, dear? I have meatloaf in the oven and a martini on
the bar. Little Timmy and Kathy are playing at the neighbors.” Hank sat sprawled in
Reese"s favorite chair, a can of beer in his hand.
“Jesus, Hank! How the fuck did you get in here?”
“Nice to see you, too,” Hank said mildly.
“Answer me before I call the police.”
“Cut the righteous indignation act, will you? It"s so boring.”
Reese advanced toward Hank with a scowl. Hank put up a hand in a gesture of
surrender. “Okay, okay. Relax. I had a locksmith make me a master key. You wouldn"t
answer your phone, you"ve been shutting me out for weeks. I had to see you.”
“No locksmith would do that. It"s illegal.”
Hank laughed. “Don"t tell me you"re that naïve. As you know from personal
experience, money is a powerful motivator. More money is even more powerful. You
should be impressed. I paid a very pretty penny just to get an audience with you.”
“Well, I"m not. Look, Hank. I know this is hard for you to understand, but it"s over.
I can"t get past what you did. You ruined the best thing in my life.”
“Oh, spare me the melodrama. You wouldn"t have even looked twice at the guy if it
weren"t for me. It was just a passing thing. I did you favor, believe me. If it had gone on
any longer, you"d be saddled with that stuttering misfit and become just another boring
sap plodding along in a dreary, tedious life. You and me—we"re made for better stuff.”
“No!” Reese shouted. “No. We"re not. I"m not. I told you, I"m done with that shit,
Hank. Get it through your head. I"m not the man I used to be. I don"t want to play those
games with you. I"m through being your sidekick and facing the world as if it"s the
enemy to be conquered, manipulated and controlled. I"m ashamed of what we"ve done
over the years. We"ve hurt people, Hank. I don"t want to live my life like that anymore.”
“For fuck"s sake,” Hank swore. “You make it sound so sordid. We have fun. You"ve
profited from it too, so why now the holier than thou bullshit?”
“Yeah, well, I"m going to pay it back. Every penny. You"re right—I"m equally to
blame for my behavior, and I"m paying the price now.”
“Reese, Reese,” Hank said, shaking his head, a condescending smile on his face.
“This is all so unnecessary. I don"t want the money back. You earned it.” Reese winced.
“Look,” Hank continued. “I"m sorry I messed things up between you and the geek—”
“Jeff. His name is Jeff.”
“Okay, okay. Whatever. I"m sorry I got in the way of your tender romance. But face
it, Reese. It wouldn"t have lasted. You and me, we don"t
do
love.”
“Stop it! Stop saying that. Speak for yourself. Leave me the fuck out of it.”
Hank stood and held out an envelope toward Reese, who made no move to take it.
Hank sighed and lowered his hand. “These are tickets. First class tickets to Paris. Let"s
get away. Start fresh. Put this all behind us. We have over a decade of history. Don"t
blow it, babe.”
For a moment Reese was almost tempted. What better way to put Jeff out of his
mind than hop a jet to Europe and allow Hank to distract him with sex, fine dining and
long strolls along the Champs-d"Élysées? Hank had been the one in control for so long,
it was habit to acquiesce. By mutual, tacit agreement, Hank had been the one with the
power.
But love, Reese finally understood, had power over power itself. Whether or not Jeff
could love him in return, his own immutable love gave him courage. The concept was
at once alien and familiar. Had he always had this capacity for love? Did everyone have
it, even Hank?
This fledgling feeling was so new, yet he sensed, deep inside himself, that it
mattered. For the first time in his life, something tight and twisted inside him had
eased. If he could somehow reach past Hank"s defenses, maybe Hank would
understand, at least a little.
Hank was watching him with those veiled eyes that signified he was daring Reese
to refuse. Reese understood suddenly and with certainty that this was the defining
moment. His response would set the course for his own future, a future that would not
include Hank.
Feeling resolute, Reese said, “Keep your tickets, Hank. Find someone new. Move on
with your life. I"m trying to do the same.”
Hank stared at him, comprehension finally flickering in his eyes. For a moment the
pain moving over his features was so stark Reese nearly reached for him. It passed as
quickly as it had come, however, his eyes losing their light, his mouth compressing in a
thin line. They stared at one another for several long seconds. Reese held his ground,
refusing to look away.
“Your loss,” Hank finally announced, turning on his heel and slamming the door
with dramatic finality.
Reese walked over to the window, watching as Hank"s driver pulled up alongside
the curb, stepping out to open the back door for Hank. Reese felt at once exhilarated
and saddened. He knew he"d done the right thing, the only thing, he could have done
and remain true to his newly discovered self. Still, it was without a doubt one of the
hardest things he"d ever done. Hank had been his world for so long. And what was left
for him now?
As the sleek car pulled away from the curb, Hank turned around to stare at Reese
through the rearview mirror. His hard expression sent a chill through Reese"s frame
and suddenly he knew, with a dark, cold certainty that Hank wasn"t about to let go so
easily.
Jeff awoke, surprised to find he was smiling. He lay still in the bed, trying to
recapture the dream, but it was lost, except for one rapturous fragment spinning at the
edge of his consciousness. They were naked, Reese"s cock hard against Jeff"s body, his
strong arms holding Jeff close. He could feel Reese"s love enveloping him like warm
sunlight against his skin.
Then reality set in and all the happiness slid out of Jeff"s face. Dreams meant
nothing.
He glanced at the clock and sighed. Three-thirty. He"d been asleep maybe three
hours, but now he was wide awake. Dreading the thought of lying there with nothing
to occupy his mind, he got out of bed.
Perhaps a walk in the moonlight would be calming. Better yet, a hike, something
physical enough to distract him. After using the bathroom and washing his face and
hands, Jeff pulled on his uniform of T-shirt and jeans, grabbing a windbreaker and a
baseball cap. Armed with a bottle of water and a flashlight, he drove toward Cherry
Creek Reservoir, where Reese and he had shared their best hikes.
The paths were closed, the signs at the foot of the trails stating clearly the hours
were from dawn to dusk. Jeff didn"t care. He just wanted to hike to the outcropping of
rock where they"d shared their first picnic, back when the world had seemed alive with
possibility. Maybe he could find peace there, if only for a while.
He walked up the steep, winding path, enjoying the nighttime solitude. All was
silent save the rustle of animals in the woods on either side of the trail. All at once it
opened up, the trees giving way to broad, flat rock and a small, tumbling waterfall.
There was still moonlight, but the moon was hidden so the cloud edges were silvered.
Jeff found a spot near the ledge and sat, tucking his knees up under his chin and
wrapping his arms around them. He sat quietly, letting his mind empty as he stared up
at the vast dome of silver clouds, black sky and starlight.
He must have dozed because suddenly he came awake to the sound of Reese"s
voice. Though that was impossible. Then he heard it again. “Hey, if I knew you were
coming, I would have brought some cupcakes.”
Jeff whipped his head around. “What"re you doing here?” His heart was beating
fast. He"d been avoiding Reese for so long, but now for some reason it was all he could
do to keep from jumping up and throwing his arms around him.
“I come up here all the time. It"s always been my favorite spot for thinking. I"ve
been here nearly every day since we…these past few weeks. Helps me to clear my
head.” Reese stood with his hands buried in his pockets, some ten feet from Jeff, his
strong body and handsome face silhouetted against the moonlight. Jesus, he looked
good. “Tonight I couldn"t sleep. I"m, uh, I"m going away in the morning. Down to
Mexico.”
Jeff didn"t respond. It was a free country. Reese could go where he wanted.
Reese lowered himself to the ground, still keeping the distance between them. Jeff
steeled himself against the sudden aching urge to move closer.
After perhaps a full minute of silence, Reese said quietly, “When I was eleven, my
parents died in a car accident.”
Startled, Jeff turned toward him, absorbing this unexpected information. Was this
just another tale, like the nonexistent Aiden who had broken Reese"s nonexistent heart?
Jeff didn"t reply, waiting.
Reese was staring out across the plains, dark purple in the predawn. Finally he
continued. “I was shunted around for a few years between relatives who didn"t know
me and wanted me even less. Eventually I was sucked into the foster care system. I
went to twelve different schools from sixth to twelfth grade. It was in my senior year
that I met Hank.”
Jeff couldn"t help the snort at the mention of that asshole"s name. Twelve long years
they"d been involved. How could Jeff have ever hoped to compete with that? Reese was
silent for a while, and Jeff stayed quiet right along with him, staring out at the
lightening horizon.
“I can"t fix what happened between you and me, Jeff. I can"t wish it away. I can"t
rewind and start over. I"ve spent the last couple of weeks really thinking through
everything that got me to this point. I"ve never done that before. My mind"s been on
autopilot for so long I"d forgotten how to think. I don"t know if this makes sense, but I
think when my parents died, something in me died too.