She crossed her arms over her chest, smiling.
After he pulled his pants back up and tucked the cotton ball into his pocket, they returned to the staff lounge. She took a seat next to him, contemplating the whiskey bottle. Having another round wasn’t a good idea. He was hard enough to resist while they were sober. She couldn’t afford to get tipsy, and they had a lot to do tomorrow. On the other hand, if she drank to excess, her worries would fade and he’d leave her alone.
She shook her head in disgust at this train of thought. Was she really so afraid of losing control—and making the wrong choice—that she’d choose oblivion instead? What a stupid plan. She might miscalculate the number of drinks, change her mind and jump on him. She might do that anyway.
After months without sex, and a long stretch of feeling unwanted, she was vulnerable. Josh’s desire for her was a powerful aphrodisiac.
He unscrewed the cap and helped himself, not conflicted in the least. When he offered her the bottle again, she declined. This didn’t faze him, either. He set the whiskey aside, amiable. He wasn’t trying to ply her with liquor. There was a clear difference between his knee-jerk flirting and his blatant sexual advances. She hadn’t considered it before, but now that she’d seen him in action, she understood. He didn’t mean anything by the former, and the latter was impossible to misinterpret.
In her experience, people got easier to read as she became more comfortable with them. Josh was no exception. She doubted he’d curb all of his suggestive comments, but she trusted him to keep his hands to himself. He’d accepted her reasons for saying no, if only because he thought he’d have her later.
She didn’t tell him that they’d never be together. He wasn’t appropriate for a one-night stand or a long-term relationship. It was better that they remain coworkers. She could even consider him a friend.
“Why elephants?” he asked.
“What do you mean?”
“Did you want to run away to the circus as a kid?”
“Oh. No, not at all. I did see my first elephant at a circus, and he was in musth. You know what that is?”
“In heat?”
“It’s similar to estrus in females. A hormonal surge. Male elephants have glands near their eyes that weep during musth, so I thought he was crying. He looked sad, and the ringleader hit him with a bull-hook. I was horrified. My dad spent the rest of the evening trying to win me a stuffed animal.”
“Did he?”
“I can’t remember,” she said. “I know he bought me a candy apple, and I refused to ride on the Ferris wheel.”
“He sounds like a fun dad.”
She glanced away, uncomfortable with the subject. “I didn’t plan on working with elephants. I wanted to be an equine vet, but then I got interested in exotic animals. Zookeeping suited me better.”
“Why?”
“Well, look at the staff. We’re all a bunch of misfits.”
He couldn’t argue that. After a pause, he picked up his cell phone and scrolled through some photos. Helena leaned closer and looked with him. There was a recent picture of his niece at the zoo. She was wearing a polka-dot sun hat, pointing at a giraffe.
“I got mad at her the night before the earthquake,” he said, staring at the photo. “She’d climbed on my desk while Chloe was busy and found one of my comics. There were torn pages scattered all over the floor. I yelled at Emma, and she started crying. Chloe called me an asshole, and I slammed the door.”
Her heart ached for him. “You’re not an asshole.”
“I do a pretty good impression of one.”
She wanted to put her arm around him and rest her head on his shoulder. They’d formed a bond over the past few days, which was unusual for her. The natural reserve that protected her from getting hurt by people also prevented her from connecting with them.
Instead of reaching out to him, she picked up the whiskey bottle and unscrewed the cap. To hell with it. She took a sip and passed it on, coughing. He accepted the liquid comfort and tossed back a swig. They shared another round, drowning their sorrows. It went down a lot smoother on the third try than the first two.
“I still don’t think they’re gone,” he said, recapping the bottle. “I have a gut feeling. Maybe it’s stupid to believe in that, but I do.”
“It’s not stupid,” she said.
“When your dad died, did you feel something?”
As she considered that question, she was struck by an epiphany: her father’s death had left the empty place inside her. Mitch’s abandonment had made the hole bigger. She couldn’t believe she’d never thought of it that way before. But then, it was hard to examine the root of an unacknowledged problem.
“I didn’t have a premonition or anything,” she said, replaying that awful morning in her mind. “Two men came to the door to break the news to my mom. Her face went white, and she sat down. When she told me what happened, I didn’t cry at first. But I felt the pain in my chest and I knew it was true.”
Her story seemed to resonate with him. He hadn’t wavered in his belief that his sister and niece were alive. Although Helena didn’t trust her own gut feelings, she admired his faith in his. It wasn’t healthy to worry about things you couldn’t control, like he’d said earlier, and anticipating the worst was a miserable exercise.
He put down his cell phone and they sat side by side, listening to the radio. Although they’d had a hard day, she wasn’t ready to end it. Sitting with him made her feel better. She was grateful for his company.
“What kinds of comics do you read?” she asked.
His brows rose at the question. “The superhero kind.”
“Superman?”
“Wonder Woman is my favorite.”
“Really?”
“Sure.”
“Why do you like her?”
“She’s hot, and kicks ass.”
She smiled at his description. “I didn’t know jocks read comic books.”
“I’m secretly a geek.”
“Since when?”
“High school.”
“You weren’t the star quarterback, dating the top cheerleader?”
“I went on a lot of fantasy dates with Wonder Woman. That’s about it.”
“No real girls?”
“Not until the end of my senior year.”
“That’s why you’re funny,” she said. If he’d been popular and dreamy as a teenager, he might not have developed the same personality.
He shrugged.
“What happened on these fantasy dates?”
“You don’t want to know.”
“Is it dirty?” she asked, intrigued.
His gaze dropped to her mouth and lingered there. “I’ll tell you, but you have to share one of your fantasies.”
She must have been tipsy, because she said, “Okay.”
“Your sexual fantasies,” he insisted.
“I get it.”
He cleared his throat, hesitating a little. “Remember that these are from a fourteen-year-old’s brain.”
She smothered a giggle, intrigued.
“Wonder Woman appears in my room,” he said. “She can astrally project and arrive in spirit form, but usually she just flies in the window.”
“How convenient.”
He inclined his head. “Sometimes she needs help saving the world and I have the key or the secret code or whatever. Then she embraces me in gratitude and one thing leads to another. Other times she’s under a spell and the only way to break it is by having sex with me. Then there’s the basic horny-for-no-reason scenario.”
“What does she do to you?”
“Everything.”
She laughed at his vague answer. “You don’t turn into a superhero?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“I don’t know. The part I like is that she’s this extraordinary being with special powers, and she wants me.”
“That is incredibly geeky,” she said.
“I told you.”
Suddenly it was her turn, but she didn’t want to play anymore. His fantasy was cute. What if he thought hers was weird or gross?
“Go on,” he said. “I won’t judge.”
“Of course you will.”
“You could tell me you wanted to fuck an elephant, and I’d think it was hot.”
She moistened her lips, nervous.
“Is that it? You want to fuck an elephant?”
“No!”
“I’m teasing you. Spill it.”
“I have one about being abducted by aliens.”
“Female aliens?”
She laughed, shaking her head. “They’re sort of unrecognizable monsters.”
“Where do they take you?”
“Into a lab where they do experiments.”
“Sexual experiments?”
“Yes.”
“Do you resist?”
“I can’t, really. I’m restrained.”
He didn’t appear disgusted by her strange fantasy. If anything, he seemed to be filing the information away for future reference.
Good thing she was never going to sleep with him. She didn’t have to worry about him trying to do some wicked experiments on her, or tying her to an exam table, naked.
Whew. Was it hot in here? She took off her jacket, forgetting that she was wearing only a thin tank top underneath. He must not have looked his fill earlier, because he perused her body again with interest.
“You’re a lightweight,” he said.
“I weigh quite a bit, actually.”
“How drunk are you?”
She held her forefinger and thumb about an inch apart. He used his fingers to widen that distance, making her laugh again. She couldn’t stop staring at him. He had a great smile, full of light and mischief. It made a pleasant contrast with his tanned complexion and the dark shadow of stubble on his jaw.
“What happened to your mustache?” she asked.
He stroked his upper lip. “Why, did you like it?”
At the time, she’d found it silly and annoying, drawing too much attention to his mouth. But when she pictured it now, she felt a flutter of feminine curiosity. How would it feel against her throat, her breasts, her inner thighs?
She tore her gaze away from him and examined the surface of the table, her cheeks hot. Someone had placed a sticker on the edge that advertised a local sports bar. It was popular with zoo employees, Josh included. They called quitting time “beer-thirty.”
She couldn’t tell him that there was no future for them. If she wanted a casual affair, she wouldn’t have it with a coworker. He wasn’t boyfriend material, either. His favorite saying was
hakuna matata
: no worries. No responsibilities.
“I can grow it back for you,” he offered. “I’d do it in a heartbeat. I’d do just about anything you asked me to.”
She believed him—and she had to get out of here before she took him up on that offer. “I’m going to bed.”
“Don’t trust yourself around me?”
Instead of bantering with him, she pushed away from the table. She didn’t sway on her feet as she stood. Squaring her shoulders haughtily, she strode toward the ladies room. Five steps later, she realized it was too dark to see in there.
So much for her grand exit.
“Forget something?” he asked.
“I need a flashlight.”
“Take the lantern.”
She picked it up and went down the hall. Inside the bathroom, she placed the lantern on the sink and studied her reflection in the broken shards of mirror. Her eyes were wide and her heart pounded with trepidation. She wasn’t standing tough; she was running scared.
Josh appeared in the doorway.
She whirled away from the sink. “What do you want?”
“The same thing you do, I imagine,” he said, walking into an open stall.
“What’s wrong with the men’s room?”
“It’s damaged.”
He didn’t bother to shut the door behind him. Gritting her teeth, she entered the last stall and locked it. His cheerful whistle and easy stream annoyed her. Even his pee sounded carefree. After she was finished, they returned to the staff room together. She grabbed a bottle of water and continued to the animal hospital. She couldn’t stop him from following her. There was only one place to sleep. Moving her cot would look cowardly, but she contemplated it anyway. She was too agitated to lie down.
“You’re never going to go out with me, are you?” he asked.
She set the lantern on the floor, stalling. Once again, she’d misjudged his ability to read between the lines. He hadn’t assumed everything would work out his way. He’d known she was putting him off to avoid confrontation.
“You won’t take a chance on a real connection. After you break up with Mitch, you’ll date another guy just like him. Another robot in a man’s body.”
“You don’t even know him.”
“He’s a cold fish.”
“He’s
mature
.”
“I’ve seen you together. He doesn’t suit you.”
“And you do?”
He nodded, confident as ever. “You’re a cool customer. I like that about you, but you need someone hot-blooded to warm you up. That’s why it didn’t work out with Mitch. He’s not the right man for you. I am.”
She shook her head in disbelief. “Your ego is off the charts.”
“There’s something special between us.”
“The only thing between us is physical attraction.”
“Prove it.”
“How?”
“Go out with me.”
“It’s not a good idea, Josh.”
“Why?”
“We work together.”
“I’ll quit.”
He was joking, as usual. There was no rule about fraternizing between employees. “You’re too young for me.”
“I’m twenty-nine, Helena.”
“Going on twenty-one.”
“Bullshit,” he said, his eyes glinting with anger. “I was busting my ass in the navy when I was twenty-one. I spent my birthday working an eighteen-hour shift, so fuck you and your insulting misconceptions.”
“You’re reckless,” she said, grasping at straws. “Life’s a big joke to you. You’ll probably hit your head surfing again and drown.”
It was a terrible thing to say. She had no idea why she’d said it. She was a terrible person. A scared, small, terrible person.
“You think I’m like your father,” he said softly.
Her throat tightened with panic. She felt the falling sensation again, as if the floor had dropped out from under her feet. Her father had been loud, charismatic, playful. Larger than life. Josh was the same type of man, big and bold in his affections. She could picture him throwing baseballs all night to win a teddy bear for a little girl. The thought of loving someone like that again, and giving her heart without reservation, terrified her.
“Has it ever occurred to you that
you’re
like him?” Josh asked.