Authors: Simone Elkeles
I kiss her, the soft fullness of her lips sending bolts of electricity throughout my entire body. Her leg wraps around me and I trace the contour of her hip with the tips of my fingers. When she purrs at my touch and arches her body against mine, I feel myself losing control.
“You make me feel so amazing,” she says in a breathless whisper against my chest. Her words seep into my heart.
Shit, this isn’t the way it’s supposed to go. I’m supposed to keep my emotions in check and only hook up with girls who want a good time, not girls who are desperate to make this something more than it could ever be.
But she’s not asking for forever or asking for me to play football again, two things I’d never be able to promise. She’s asking me to be with her tonight, nothing more. I need to just take what she’s offering. I grasp her wrist and bring it to my lips, kissing it gently and feeling her pulse pounding against her warm, soft skin.
I trace the contours of her body with my fingers and follow with my tongue. Her heart races, matching mine, as she moans and pulls me closer with urgency. Ashtyn is amazing and hot and sexy. My fingers play with her body and I kiss her sweet lips as she moves against my hand.
I place her hand on me and she brings my body to a new, heightened frenzy. Now I’m the one moaning. I feel like I’m about to burst.
“You ready to do this?” she asks me.
“Hell, yeah. You?”
She nods. “Yeah.”
I tell myself to calm down. This is just sex with a girl. There are no commitments or expectations beyond tonight, so why is my body reacting like this’ll change the course of my life forever? That’s insane. We’ll have fun tonight and move on tomorrow.
She leans down and kisses me tenderly as her hair falls like a curtain around us. The rain taps on the tent and thunder barks in the distance.
“We’re really gonna do this,” she whispers against my lips. Something suspiciously like a teardrop falls on my chest. It’s dark and I can’t see much, but my sense of touch is super alert.
“Are you cryin’?” I ask.
She doesn’t answer.
I swipe my thumb against her cheek. More tears.
Damn. I can’t do this.
“This isn’t gonna work, Ashtyn.” I sit up and run a hand through my hair in frustration. I was an idiot to think we could hook up for one night and forget it happened in the morning. She might pretend she can be that girl, but she’s not. “I’m fixin’ to leave in January and move back to Cali when my dad gets back. I can’t . . . I can’t be that guy you want me to be.”
She doesn’t say anything.
“Ashtyn, say somethin’.”
“I don’t want to say anything. Just leave me alone.” She sits up and reaches into her duffel for dry clothes.
“Sorry,” I say dumbly. Fuck. I want to say more, but what? I’ll be there for her
forever
? I’ll be the one she can
always
count on? It’ll be bullshit, empty words she’s heard before.
She turns her back to me and gets dressed. “Go to sleep, Derek.”
I lie back and sigh. When sunlight streams through the tent, Ashtyn is sleeping soundly with her back still to me.
When I wake up, Derek looks like he hasn’t slept at all. His hair is mussed and he’s sitting up and rubbing his eyes with his palms. I feel weird and awkward about last night. I went through every emotion, ending with sadness that he couldn’t even pretend to love me for one night.
“Hey,” he says in a scratchy morning voice.
“Hey.” I try to hold in my emotions before they overflow and give me away. Before he says anything else, I hold up a hand. “Don’t ask me if I want to talk about last night, because the answer is no. I
never
want to talk about it, so just do me a favor and keep whatever you want to say to yourself.”
He nods and leaves the tent without answering.
I wanted to tell him so many times last night how I feel about him. The words almost spilled from my lips outside in the rain, and then in the tent. I teared up because I knew if I told him the
truth, he’d run away physically and emotionally as fast as he could.
He wanted to have sex without consequences or commitments, and that’s what I offered him. I guess deep down I expected him to be so overcome with emotion he’d admit his undying love for me. What a fool I was. I was the one so overcome with emotion that I couldn’t stop the tears from running down my cheeks.
Last night was nothing but my stupid fantasy being crushed by reality.
I hug my knees and tell myself not to cry, that in time my heart will stop hurting so much.
I gather my stuff and go outside to wash up. It’s hard to keep my head held high and my emotions in check, so I put on my sunglasses.
Derek isn’t anywhere in sight. When I come out of the bathroom, Derek has already packed up the car and is in the driver’s seat.
We don’t say another word as we drive past Sylvia and Irving sitting at their folding table playing cards. I wave at them and they wave back. It’s bittersweet seeing a couple who’ve beaten the odds and stayed together for so long. My parents couldn’t do it, my sister and Nick couldn’t do it . . . Derek and I couldn’t even last one night.
I look out the window until Derek pulls into a drive-through and asks what I want for breakfast.
“I don’t want anything,” I say without glancing in his direction.
“You have to eat.”
I push my glasses up. “I’m not hungry.”
He orders two glasses of orange juice and two bagel-and-egg combos, then parks the car. “Here,” he says, placing one of the wrapped bagels on my lap. “Eat.”
I toss it back at him and step out of the car.
“Ashtyn!” Derek calls after me.
I walk down the street, ignoring him.
“Ashtyn!”
He catches up with me. My sunglasses can’t hide the tears streaming down my face.
“What do you want me to say?” He blocks my path. He’s got a tense, frustrated look as he rakes his fingers through his hair. “I’m sorry you and I have this attraction that won’t go away. I’m sorry you want someone who’ll be there for you when nobody else is. I’m sorry I couldn’t just have a one-night stand when I knew you were cryin’ about it. I’m sorry I’m not the guy you want me to be.”
“I don’t want you to be sorry!” I wipe my tears away.
I want you to tell me that I mean something to you.
But the words won’t come out of my mouth. I’m a coward, afraid of what he’ll say if I tell him how I truly feel. “And I don’t want a stupid bagel as a consolation prize.”
“The bagel wasn’t a consolation prize, Ashtyn,” he argues. He shoves his hands into his pockets. “It was breakfast. I was
trying
to get things back to normal.”
“Normal?
Nothing
in my life is normal, Derek. But if you want me to fake it, then fine. I’m good at faking shit.” I hold my hands
over my heart. “Thank you
so
much for the bagel,” I say in a fake sweet voice. “I’ll go choke it down right now so you can feel like everything is normal.”
I turn on my heel and walk back to the car. I have nowhere else to go and can’t escape, so I might as well resign myself to the fact that I’m stuck with Derek until we get to Texas.
After we eat in tense silence and I’m done with the bagel, I hold up the empty wrapper. “Satisfied?”
“Not even close,” he says stoically.
He drives me to a field when I tell him I need to get some practice time in. I stretch out and kick my practice balls while Derek leans against his car, texting. He doesn’t offer to help retrieve the balls. Every once in a while he glances my way, but for the most part he couldn’t care less about football or helping me. He’s got his stupid phone held up to his face until I tell him I’m ready to head out.
I drive part of the way while Derek sleeps. When we switch back, I lean my head against the window and fall asleep.
“Ashtyn,” Derek’s deep voice wakes me up. “We’re here.”
I open my eyes, blurry from sleep. Derek gently shakes me again. I blink a few times to focus and notice that Derek is looking down at me with beautiful blue eyes he doesn’t deserve. It’s not fair that he has those eyes, because they confuse girls—confuse me.
Derek pulls up to the front entrance of Elite. My heart starts
racing. This is it, everything I’ve been waiting for. Scouts will be here, taking back information to their coaches about who they believe are the best players to recruit. I look around and realize I’m the only girl.
A crowd of parents and teens are scattered across the lawn. Some are in the check-in line and others are laughing and joking around as if they’ve known each other for years.
Derek puts on a baseball cap and sunglasses. He reminds me of a movie star who doesn’t want to be noticed.
He helps grab my luggage. “You gonna be okay?”
I don’t look him in the eye. “I’ll be fine.”
“Listen, I would stay and wait until you get settled, but . . .” He glances at the football players milling around, then pushes the baseball cap farther over his eyes. “I’m gonna head over to my grandmother’s place and see what’s up with her.”
“That’s fine.” I grab my bags out of his grip. “I guess I’ll see you in a week.”
He lets out a sigh. “I guess so.”
It doesn’t escape my mind that he hasn’t touched me since we were in the tent. We’re not arguing like usual, or interacting at all really. We’re just . . . existing. He gives me a small smile.
“Bye, Derek.”
“Bye.” When I start walking away, he takes my elbow and urges me back. “Have fun. Kick some ass and show ’em what you got. You can do this, you know.”
“Thanks.”
“Listen, Ashtyn, I don’t know what to say. Last night—”
I don’t want to hear him say sorry again, so I cut him off. “It’s okay. Just leave.”
He nods slowly. I want to call him back as he gets in his car, to tell him that I need to make things right between us, but I don’t. I can’t. I told him to love me for one night, and he couldn’t.
I watch as Derek’s car drives away and disappears as it turns the corner. Whether I like it or not, I’m on my own.
I straighten my shoulders and move to the end of the check-in line. I’m aware of a couple of stares from players and some parents. I’m a girl playing a boy’s sport, and while my team has gotten used to having a female teammate, some guys don’t believe girls should play football. They think we’re too fragile. I just have to keep my head held high and act like I belong here as much as they do.
Derek’s words echo in my head:
You can do this
.
A couple of guys in front of me nudge each other, urging their friends to gawk at the lone girl in line. One turns to me and says, “Yo, cheerleading camp is down the block. You’re obviously lost.”
His friends laugh.
I push my duffel farther up on my shoulder. “
I’m
in the right line.” I cock an eyebrow. “You sure
you’re
in the right line?”
“Oh, I’m sure, baby.”
I’m about to say some comment back to him when the guy at the registration table calls out, “Next!” and waves me over. “Name?”
I clear my throat. “Ashtyn Parker.”
The guy scans me up and down. “You’re the girl.”
“Yep.” The guy’s a genius.
He hands me a new backpack, a water bottle, and a folder all with the Elite Football logo. “This has your schedule for the week and the key to your dorm room. Uniforms will be given out before practice tomorrow. Make sure you wear your name tag at all times,” he says, slapping a sticker with my name on it on my T-shirt. He places the sticker awkwardly by my neck because he’s obviously uncomfortable placing it anywhere near my chest like all the other players. “Cafeteria is on the first floor of the dorms, right by the lounge.”
“Okay.”
As I walk away, one of the coaches calls me over. “Welcome to Elite, Ashtyn,” he says. “I’m Coach Bennett, the special teams coach. I’ll be working with you this week.”
I shake his hand. “I’m glad to be here, Coach. Thanks for the opportunity.”
“In case you didn’t know, you’re the only female in the program. Since there are no showers designated for women, the showers for the rest of the players will be closed from five to five forty-five a.m. and seven to seven forty-five p.m. so you can have privacy.”
“Got it.”
“One more thing,” he says. “We won’t tolerate sexual harassment of any kind. If you feel harassed at any time, inform me or anyone else on staff. That being said, I hope you have a thick skin. Boys will be boys. Don’t jump the gun, if you know what I mean.”
After the harassment talk, I head to the dorm and find my room at the end of the hall. All the guys have roommates, but I’ve
got a single. I drop my bags on the floor and sit on the edge of my bed. There’s a small closet, a window, a twin bed, and a desk. It’s basic, but it’s clean and spider-free. And no Derek. I’ve gotten used to having him around and hearing his voice. Even now, I miss him.
It doesn’t take long for me to put my stuff away. If I were a different girl, I’d sit in my room and hide until tomorrow, when the program officially starts. Instead, I head for the lounge to meet the guys I’m going to be playing with for the next week. I catch sight of Landon sitting with a couple of guys on one of the couches. I don’t have any emotion besides a desire to show him and everyone else here that I’m competitive and I’m here to prove it.
No way I’m letting Landon think I’m intimidated. I’m captain of my team back home and represent them as well. This isn’t just about me. I stand right in front of him. “Hi, Landon.”
He glances at me, gives me a pathetic mumbling “Hi,” then goes back to talking to the guys without introducing me. It’s obvious he doesn’t want me sitting with him, so I find an empty chair on the other side of the lounge. I try to start a conversation with a couple of the guys sitting around me. They give short answers, then walk away like I’m contagious or something.
I’m walking back to my room when I overhear a bunch of guys talking with their door open. If they were my teammates, I’d be sitting with them. I’m an outsider in unfamiliar territory. Why be timid now, when I know being a loner won’t do me any good on the field tomorrow?