Authors: Claire McEwen
“Who didn't need rescuing!”
He started laughing again. “Who rescued me, thus depriving me of my fairy-tale ending.”
“You are crazy. Let's find that shed.”
“Seriously.” He took her hand in his. “Your quick thinking with that garbage bag saved me.”
He kept her hand, and there was warmth in his touch, so she held tight. It was comfortingâthe dark had wrapped itself around them now and they stumbled along, following the shaky beam of Todd's light as it illuminated rock and shrubs, stopping every few minutes to make sure they weren't too close to the wash or the creek.
Despite his near drowning, Todd was capable and confident in the rainy night. As Nora trudged along beside him, it occurred to her that he was as comfortable as she was out of doors. It was strange to be thinking it, but even though he made her crazy, she was glad he was here right now. If she had to be soaking wet and in danger of being carried away by a flash flood, there was no one she'd rather be with than Todd.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
T
HE
SHED
WALLS
loomed up in the flashlight's thin beam. “I think this used to be for sheep,” Todd told her, pushing on the creaky wooden door. “I was planning on making it into a shelter for horses, but I haven't gotten started yet.”
Even in the dim light, Nora could see cobwebs. And she didn't need light to smell the musty, ancient sheepy odor. “Maybe we could get back to the road and walk to your ranch?” she suggested hopefully.
“Badwater Creek crosses the road under that low bridge, remember? The way it's running right now, it'll be flowing over the top.”
“Can't blame a girl for dreaming.” Nora sighed and followed him in. “At least we're out of the rain.”
“That's the spirit.” Todd pulled the poncho over his head and shook his hair, splattering water like a big dog.
Nora untied her garbage bags. She didn't want to drop them in the dirt, so she hung them on an old manger near the door. “I like being out in the wild. I spend almost every day hiking somewhere. But I prefer to be out with the right gear.”
“You mean better than garbage adventure wear?” He laughed softly in the dark. “Because I think you're on to something there.”
“I'll keep that in mindâmy backup plan if I ever get sick of plants.”
The garbage bags
had
been keeping in some of her body heat. Without them, the damp clothes clinging to her were cooling. “You know, they
do
work. I think I might need them after all.”
Todd flicked the light her way. “You're shivering. We need to figure out how to get you warm.” He shone the light into the farthest corner. “There's some old straw over there. It's probably full of mice, but you want to risk it?”
“I want to be near the door,” Nora said. “I know we're on higher ground, but I want to be able to get out of here just in case the flood gets worse.”
“Fair enough. We'll move the straw, then.”
They went to the corner, and together they kicked the straw closer to the door. No mice evacuated the pile, though it definitely gave off a mouse-like smell. But it was dry and that was more than Nora could say about herself. Her jeans felt heavy and sodden, and water sloshed in her boots, dripped from her hair and ran down her neck to trickle under her soaked fleece jacket. She was a mess.
Todd put a hand on her shoulder.
“You're shaking like crazy. What's under your shirt?”
“Pardon me?” She was grappling with a sense of unrealityâthe flood, this sheep shed and Todd asking personal questions.
“Are you wearing cotton under your fleece? You need to take it off. Your fleece can keep you warmer, even though it's wet.”
The thought of soggy fleece next to her skin wasn't appealing, but she knew he was right. She pulled the fleece off, then the waterlogged cotton T-shirt. The evening air chilled her skin and she tugged the fleece back on and zipped it. It felt awful, slimy and clammy, but she was a tiny bit warmer without the cotton clinging to her.
Todd knelt in the straw. “Let's see what's in this backpack that can help us out here.”
She lifted the light so he could see inside.
“Emergency blankets,” Todd said triumphantly, pulling a handful of foil bundles out of the backpack. He quickly unfolded one and put it over her shoulders.
She pulled it tight to try to preserve her nonexistent warmth. Her legs were freezing and she jumped up and down a few times trying to get the blood flowing.
“You need to take your pants off,” Todd advised. “I'm going to do the same.”
Nora groaned. “Until recently I never thought I'd see you again. Let alone get naked in a filthy sheep shed with you.”
His laugh was soft in the dark. “I can safely say that I never imagined
this
moment, either.”
Had he imagined others? She couldn't think about that. Just a few hours ago she'd vowed to put it all behind her, to see him as a neighbor, nothing else.
There was an awkward silence. But she wouldn't allow herself to fill it in case a needy, weak sentence escaped.
“Here's a tarp we can put under us.” He shook it out and laid it over the straw. “Okay, boots off, jeans off,” he said briskly.
Nora reached down and unlaced her boots, stripped her dripping socks off her feet and stepped onto the tarp. She unbuttoned her jeans, lowering the zipper. “I'm not sure what is worse, freezing to death or sitting in this nasty shed in my underwear. I am so glad you had this tarp.” She slid her jeans down her legs. They stuck at the ankle and she hopped once or twice to get them over her feet. Great. Such grace when stripping in front of her ex. Thankfully it was dark.
Todd stood and she heard a shuffle as he kicked off his own boots, and then the swish of denim moving across his skin. Though
he
didn't hop around, damn him. Just slid his pants off and said, “Hand me your jeans and T-shirt. Your socks, too. There's an old partition over there.” He pointed into the darkness in the back of the shed. “I'll hang them. Maybe they'll dry a little by morning. Can you just shine the light for me?”
She handed him her clothing and he put the flashlight in her hand. He was almost naked when he walked into the beam, wet white underwear clinging to him. Her breath caught. The light wasn't bright, but it was enough to illuminate his long muscular legs, the way the fabric clung to his butt, the defined muscles of his back moving as he hung up their clothes.
Nora swallowed hard. It took her a minute to realize that her shivering had stopped, replaced by an internal heat. Desire.
Todd turned and brought an arm up over his eyes to block the light, giving her the perfect view of his chest and sculpted abs. “Ow, could you lower the beam a little? I can't see.”
She lowered it. And lit up the wet fabric clinging to his penis. Oh, Lord. She jerked her hand down so all that was lit was the ground at his feet. He followed the trail of light back to her. “I think the rain is stopping.”
She'd forgotten all about the weather outside. “That's great. I guess we just have to wait for the water to go down.” And it needed to go down soon, because this mostly naked version of Todd was not easy to be around.
Todd put one of the emergency blankets on top of the tarp. “Sit here,” he commanded and she did.
He knelt in front of her and wrapped another crackly emergency blanket around her legs and another round her back, tucking in an end at her waist to hold it in place. Nora concentrated on sitting still and not gasping every time his fingers contacted skin. Then he was finished. “Pull the other blanket up like a hood,” he told her. “And then wrap it around your upper body.”
“My new superhero cape?” It wasn't comfortable, all that foil or plastic or whatever it was in contact with her bare skin.
“Are you warmer?”
“I'm not freezing,” she said. “Does that count?”
“Here.” Todd wrapped his own legs in a blanket and then put a second blanket around his upper body. “Now lie down. I'll lie with you. We'll be okay.”
“Have I told you how much I love your backpack?
And
the fact that you're organized enough to have it in your truck?”
He laughed. “My backpack and I are gratified to hear that. Now, lie down.”
She gingerly lowered herself onto the plastic tarp. Todd lay down next to her and draped a dry rain poncho over them like a blanket. They faced each other in silence. Nora listened for rain but only heard the soft drips off the eaves and the distant rushing of the wash. And Todd's breathing slow and steady.
“How's the head?”
“Fine!” He laughed softly. “I remember this about you now.”
“What?”
“Always trying to make sure everything is okay.”
“My interest is purely self-preservation. I don't want you passing out on me. I'm not strong enough to lug you out of here.”
“Ah, I see. And I thought you cared.”
She cared too much. Had cared for too many years. Needed to not care. “I care enough to not want you brain damaged.”
“Good to know.” He laughed again. “You know, in a weird way, I'm enjoying this. It's been a while since I had a crazy adventure.”
“Didn't you just have one the other night?”
“Yes, but not like this. Not with you.”
“I beg to differ. I was there.” Their banter was a welcome distraction from the cold. And from him, just a few inches away.
“Well, not with you, like this.”
“You mean freezing in a smelly shed?” she countered.
“You're still cold.” He acted on his words instantly, wriggling out of his emergency blanket and reaching for hers.
“What are you doing?” she said as he started unwinding the folds.
“Keeping you from getting hypothermia.”
The blanket was almost off now, freeing her arms.
“Hey!” she said, grabbing his hands as he unzipped her fleece.
“It's too wet. Take it off.”
“And wear nothing? Great solution.” She resisted as he tugged at the zipper. “Don't!”
“Okay.” He took his hands away. “Be reasonable. You need body heat. My heat.”
“No, I don't. I need my horrible, soggy fleece.” No way was she getting naked with him.
“Nora, part of getting hypothermia is losing the ability to think clearly. Your skin feels like ice. Please trust me? Let me help you.”
The logical side of her brain knew he was right. But it would be harder to keep her distance, to keep her emotions at bay, if they were lying skin to skin.
But she wanted to survive. She unzipped the jacket and slid it off.
Todd unwound the emergency blanket from her legs and put his bare legs along hers. Then he wound them both up together. He did the same for their torsos, and added extra blankets and the poncho over the entire disaster.
Because it
was
a disaster. He might be saving her physically, but psychologically he was decimating her. His arms came around her, pulling her close. His skin was warm and soft with solid muscle underneath. Her breasts were against his chest, just the thin nylon of her bra separating them. He felt so warm and so...good.
Her shivering stopped but inside she was still shaking. Because she'd dreamed of being like this with him for so long and now it was here. Not that it was happening the way she'd wished for. He wasn't holding her with love and regret and desire. He was holding her so she wouldn't die in his sheep shed.
They lay silently and she listened to his breathing, wanting it to be as ragged as hers. But it wasn't. It was calm and steady... Evidently their closeness didn't affect him in the way it did her. So she closed her eyes and inhaled him, his salty smell, and focused on getting warm. Focused on staying present and in reality, and not wasting time wishing for things she couldn't have.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
T
ODD
WAS
THINKING
about sheep manure. That underneath their measly tarp were ancient layers of sheep droppings and old straw. Sheep excrement was a good thing to think about while he was trying desperately to ignore the beautiful, almost naked woman in his arms. And not just any woman. Nora, who drove him crazy with her caution and her logic. Nora, who was making him crazy with her soft skin and the curves of her waist and shoulders.
But he'd stay in control, keep all his wanting in check. His job tonight was to see her safely to the morning. He lay still and felt a fierce protectiveness thrum in his blood. From jumping across the ravine to trying to get her warm, tonight he'd felt one thing more strongly than anything else. He wanted Nora safe. He wanted to be the one to keep her safe.
He pulled her closer, savoring the softness of her breasts in their satin bra against his chest
. Sheep urine. Generations of sheep living in this shed, maybe on this very straw.
He felt her skin getting warmer, which was both a relief and a torture. Because now that she was warm, she was more relaxed and pliant, and it was all he could do not to slide his hand down over the curve of her hip, to dip his mouth to hers.
Breathe slowly
, he commanded himself.
Think about the sheep.
Damn, he couldn't just lie here anymore. He needed to talk about something. About anything.
“You know, I never realized you were taking care of Wade when we were together. Were you sending him money?”
She sighed. Snuggled in a tiny bit closer and Todd bit his lower lip, hard, to keep something else from getting hard.
“Yeah, I sent him any extra I had. My dad didn't provide him with practical things, like food and clothes. Though I'm sure he'd have been happy to set him up with guns or drugs.”
“I remember how you were almost always working. I was so naive, I thought you just liked to keep busy.”
Her laugh was low, and devoid of humor. “Yeah, that was why. I
really
loved working days at the university library and pulling espresso at night. And all the pet sitting on weekends? It was a blast.”
“I wish I'd known.”
“I wouldn't have told you. I didn't want your pity.”
“Just like now.” He shouldn't do it, but he brought his face to her hair and breathed her in. She smelled a little bit flowery. He hadn't expected that.
“I was embarrassed,” she said quietly.
“I was clueless. I should have asked you more questions. Tried to know you better.”
She was quiet for a moment, and then he heard her breath escape in a small sigh. “I wasn't good at letting people know me. I've never really mastered that.”
He wanted to be the one to get to know her. He wanted to unlock all of her secrets. To make her feel safe enough to share them. “I'm sorry about the argument earlier. That I said the wrong thing to Phil. I was trying to fix things for you that were none of my business.”
“It's nice that you like to fix things,” she said quietly. “I just don't want to be one of them.”
“I get it,” he acknowledged.
“Is that why you have a repair shop?” she asked and he could feel her smile in the dark. “Because you have this need to fix everything?”
He chuckled. “Partly. I like putting things back together. And nowadays so many people are so quick to just throw something away when it breaks. I hate the thought of all that needless garbage. Whenever I fix something, I'm keeping it out of the dumps and junkyards.”
“How'd you learn? How do you know how to fix so many things?”
It was the question he'd been dreading.
Best just to come clean, though it meant that all thoughts of touching Nora were just that, thoughts. Never to be allowed into action. “I learned by taking them apart.”
There was a silence. She must be pondering the meaning of that. He had a moment of hope that she'd just let the topic go. Of course she didn't.
“I don't understand. At a trade school?”
“At construction sites.”
She went up on one elbow, letting in a blast of cold night air. “You mean sabotage?”
“That's a strong word. But yeah.”
“You dismantled bulldozers.”
“And other large machines, yes.” He lay there in the dark, waiting for her to start yelling at him. He'd known she'd hate this about him.
“Why? Why not just do something legally? Join an environmental group, lobby, donate money? Why go so far?”
He tried to explain what he'd never explained to anyone. “I feel as though I was born this way...caring so much about the earth. Caring about wild places. It's a part of me. And I do join groups. I do write letters and do all that other stuff. But when I was younger, after all the letters and lobbying had failed, I'd go out late at night and disembowel a bulldozer or two.”
“You didn't feel bad about it?”
“Not at first. I felt I told myself that I was doing something wrong in the moment to do what was right in the long run. But eventually I realized we weren't stopping the destruction. Big companies use subcontractors, so we were just hurting the average Joe who owned the machinery. Until the other night, with the horses, I hadn't done anything like that in years.”
Nora rolled away from him to lie on her back. He waited for her recriminations, but they didn't come. “But why do
you
have to be the one fixing everything?”
“Someone has to do it. Since I care, it should be me.” It was a night for confessions. He took a breath and went for it. “But there's something I never told you back then. Something that changed me, back in college, when we were together.”
Her head turned toward him slightly in the dark. He wished he could see her face. “You mean you had secrets, too? What a messed-up relationship we were in.”
He was tempted to agree. They'd been kind of a sham, never sharing what was really happening in their lives.
She let out a breath. “Okay, go ahead. We have all night to talk.”
His body wanted to do more than talk, and he shifted, trying to bring his hips a little farther away from her. He was half-hard and getting harder. And it was insanely embarrassing. The woman was freezing and he was horny. Not the way to make her feel safe and cared for. He tried not to notice how close her lips were. How easily he could tip his head down and put his mouth on hers.
Talk.
He took a deep breath. “I can't remember how much I told you, about my family,” he started.
“Not much,” she murmured.
“I was raised in a big old house in Seattle, with private schools and nice vacations and a brand-new car when I turned sixteen. I knew that the money came from the timber industry, but it didn't bother me that much. I mean, people need wood, and trees have to be cut down and that's just what my family did.”
“That makes sense,” she said, and he felt her words on his chest when she spoke.
“But remember when we took that class at college? The forestry class with Professor Bauer? And he was always giving us those case studies of bad timber management practices? The companies that caused environmental disasters?”
“That was his thing,” she murmured. “I remember thinking that if I never read another case study, I'd be very happy.”
He bent down and inhaled the floral scent of her hair one more time for courage. “Do you remember all the case studies about the Northwest Forestry Corporation?”
“Weren't they one of the worst? We must have read a dozen different articles about them.”
“That's my family's company.”
He could feel her look up at him in the dark. Cold air filled the space against his chest where her head had been. “You never told me!”
“I felt so stupid. I'd never realized how bad our company was until I took that class.”
Nora put her hand on his arm. “You must have felt awful, sitting in all those lectures. Did Dr. Bauer know? Did you tell him?”
“No! At least, I don't think he knew, and I certainly wasn't going to tell him. I felt so guilty that the money I'd always lived on, the money that was paying for school, had come to my family via so much environmental destruction. They decimated miles of old-growth forests. They lied when they found endangered species on their land. They bought bankrupt companies for cheap and paid off the debts by logging even more trees. I didn't know what to do. I tried to talk to my dad about it a few times, but we just ended up fighting.”
Nora put her head back down to his chest and it was a comfort. “I wish I'd known. I can't believe all that was going on and you never told me.”
He had to smile at that. “Likewise.”
She was silent, probably thinking, as he was, of all the things they'd been too scared to tell each other. Finally she spoke. “So what happened?”
“I felt as though I had a lot to atone for. That if I made a positive difference I could maybe counteract what my family had done.”
“So you started joining all those environmental groups.”
“I did.”
“I wish you'd told me,” she said. “I would've understood. I knew all about trying to live life the opposite way of one's family.”
He smiled into her hair. “Is that why you never jaywalk?”
She giggled and he felt her shake a little. “Hey, I jaywalk! Sometimes. But I grew up surrounded by so much bad, and no one ever taught me right from wrong. In fact, my dad encouraged me to do the wrong things. He tried teaching me to shoplift. He asked me to go with him to drop off drugs, so he'd look more innocent.”
It was his turn to be shocked. “That's crazy.”
“I had no role models for how to
be
. I just figured if I was as good as possible, I'd at least be on a somewhat better path than he was.”
“I get it,” he said. “I think I was trying to do something similar. If I could help in the Amazon, I'd make up for all the forests my family had torn down.”
“I'm so sorry, Todd.”
She snuggled closer to his chest and he pulled her tightly to him. It was good, holding her like this while he finally shared all this history with her.
“I wish I'd known,” she murmured, and he was pretty sure her lips brushed his chest in a tiny kiss.
He couldn't pay attention to that. He was barely keeping his hands under control as it was. “I wish I'd told you. But now that you know, can you see that I do understand a little of what you're going through here in Benson? I know what it's like to feel ashamed of your family. And I hate it when people judge you based on what they do.”
“Thanks.”
“I'm here for you. However I can be.”
She sighed and her breath tickled his chest, and his nipples tightened. He focused on the dull ache in his head. Anything but the way she was making him feel.
“And now? Are you still trying to atone for their logging company?”
“Probably a little. But a lot less than before. A few years ago I realized that even though I'd made my own way in life, everything I did was still a rebellion against them. I'd left the family business and didn't have much contact with them, but they were still controlling my life.”
“So you moved here?”
“Yes, and when I did, something changed. I loved my work in the shop. And helping the horses feels different than my other causes. It isn't rebellion this time. It's part of who I am.”
She didn't answer but the skin on her shoulder felt cool so he pulled her close and reached around behind her to pull the emergency blanket and poncho tight. “Are you okay? Are you any warmer?”
“A little. Talking helps. What about your family now?”
He cleared the sudden scratchiness in his throat before he answered, “After I hurt my leg I went back to Seattle. And I went to work for their company.”
“You what?”
“I thought maybe I could change it from within.”
“And how'd that work out?” He could hear her cynicism. She'd read all those case studies in college, too.
“It was pretty clear I was just my dad's starry-eyed son, who all the employees had been instructed to put up with. I'd make a suggestion, back it up with financials, statistics, market research, and my dad and his colleagues would all nod patiently and then go on to do whatever they'd planned in the first place.”
“How frustrating. But I admire you for trying.”
He could feel the grin spreading ear to ear at the novelty. “You
admire
me? Am I hearing that right? Maybe I'm the one getting hypothermia.”
She laughed softly. “I do. You went in and tried to make positive change.”
“And I failed miserably. So I left and my dad was furious that I did. I think he was hoping I'd abandon my values and buy into all the money and the perks if I worked for him. He called me some choice names and we haven't talked much since.”
“That's sad,” she said.
“It's kind of a relief. I can't be what my dad wants. Where I see an amazing forest ecosystem, he sees cash. There's not much more for us to say to each other.”
He was pulling her tighter now, automatically seeking comfort from the hurt he still felt. And then she tipped her face up, put her arms around his neck and kissed him on the cheek. Just a gentle, sympathetic kiss.
He froze, wanting so much to return that kiss, but on her lips this time.
He tried to think of every reason why that was a bad idea. It was a long list, starting with her getting so mad at him all the time and ending with the fact that there was no way this kiss could be simple. At least not for him. But he'd never been one to keep things simple, so he threw all the reasons out into the cold night air and brought his mouth to hers.
It was a good decision. Her lips were full and soft and he touched them gently, feeling their plush texture under his mouth, tasting her breath. Remembering how they'd kissed when they were young, the past and present blending into one small, intensely perfect kiss.