Authors: Robyn Carr
He never so much as yawned. He was determined to get his precious cargo home safely.
Jillian learned a great deal from the internet and from the people she had met at the state fair. There was work to do, work that required organization. While she continued to bring in a plentiful harvest through the month
of August, she also registered a trademark, applied for a business license and filled out forms to be approved by the Department of Agriculture county branch. Maybe she couldn’t zero in on her specialty market this week or this month, but she could begin to develop her reputation.
During that late summer when the weather was hot and steamy, she spent many nights with Colin in his little rented cabin along the creek. That wonderful old Victorian she’d just purchased didn’t have central air-conditioning. The cabin, buried under the tall trees in the forest was cool. There were such wonderful sounds deep in the woods from the calling of birds, a quack or a honk from a Canada goose, not to mention the rippling of the brook over the stones. She loved her big house, but she also loved his little cabin, the first place they’d ever had a full night together. She liked the mornings sitting in his doorway, watching and hearing the forest come alive at dawn, frequently observing wildlife visit the creek for a drink. It was a magical place. In fact, it seemed like everywhere she went around this area was filled with dreams. Fantasies. Unimaginable beauty.
While Denny continued to tend and harvest, Jillian registered her trademark—Jilly Farms. All natural, all organic, all delicious. All sentimental. No one but Colin had ever called her Jilly.
It was as much because of Colin as her own personal and business needs that she was so glad she wouldn’t be making a territorial change right now. It was as if leaving the Victorian was as hard as having him travel to Africa—she wanted that sunroom there in case he came home to paint. She put a healthy sum down on the property and the bank approved her loan immediately. She owned Jilly Farms.
All this made her late summer extremely busy. She had
paperwork to file to allow her to sell her produce, appointments with an inspector from the Department of Agriculture and loads of produce to harvest from her garden. Since she owned the property, she was ready to get another large garden plot cleared, mulched and ready before the winter cold. She started early and worked hard all day, keeping lists of things she had to do in preparation for a season change, and for this she was so grateful. It kept her mind off the fact that in just two weeks Colin would be leaving.
“I have a surprise for you,” Colin said. “I stopped by Luke’s today and there was a letter for me. The eagle and the buck sold—Shiloh sent me twelve hundred dollars.”
“Oh my God!” she said. “That means they sold for twenty-four hundred!”
“The eagle for eighteen and the buck for six. The point is, they sold. I’m pretty surprised.”
“You shouldn’t be, Colin. They’re awesome. You’re awesome.”
“My fan club,” he said, kissing her nose. “There’s a lot going on for both of us right now. You’re busy with the farm. I have Riordans coming to Virgin River for a gathering before I go. I know this transition with the farm, getting inspected and licensed, demands your time and attention. You’re under no obligation to take time off for their visit.”
“I want to be busy. I’m trying very hard not to do a countdown in my head. But of course I want to see your family. Who’s coming?”
“Everyone but Patrick—he’s spending another three months in the Gulf. I’m not real keen on this—I’d rather have a quiet couple of weeks with you, but this was the price of convincing my mother and George they’d cramp my style by heading for Africa, too.”
She grinned largely, shaking her head. “I love that woman. Nothing intimidates her.”
“Tell me about it. And Jilly, I’m selling the Jeep. I ran an ad. If it doesn’t move before I leave, Luke will take care of it.”
Her heart plummeted. “Of course,” she said very softly. This was something she hadn’t even considered, yet she should have. It was a very expensive late-model Jeep Rubicon. Why would he keep it if he wasn’t coming back permanently? If he was only coming back for brief visits? Yet for some reason, selling his vehicle felt so final, so resolute. He was really leaving for another continent, for another life, for at least six months. And if his trip proved successful, it would be for much longer. If there was any doubt about that, he’d probably store the Jeep with her or his brother. “Yes, I suppose you would have to. If Luke’s too busy, I could take care of that for you.”
“He doesn’t mind. I have a favor to ask.”
“Sure.”
“I’d like to pack up the cabin,” he said. “I don’t have much there anymore—it all seems to move over here anyway. Would you let me stay here until I leave? I could clear out now and have that behind me. Luke will store everything I’m not taking with me.”
“Or… You could leave your stuff here. I have three floors, five bedrooms and an office.” She laughed lightly. “I knew there was a reason I wanted to buy this place.”
He smiled but shook his head. “It’s okay. He’s got it.”
“Colin, are you declining my offer to store your things in case my life changes while you’re gone? Or in case yours does. So we’re not obligated?”
“Not really,” he said. “But we know that could happen.”
She shook her head. “I suppose. But not for quite a
while. It’s more likely your life will change and six months will turn into six years.”
“Not without seeing you, Jilly. I promise. The longest it will be before I visit you is six months. Unless…”
“I know,” she said. “Unless I tell you otherwise, but I still believe it would more likely be you telling me
otherwise.
”
“I have something for you. Stay here in the kitchen and I’ll be right back.”
Jillian took a lot of deep breaths. She’d almost lost it at the mention of the Jeep, the packing up of the cabin, the fact that this was, indeed, coming to a close. She hoped she could hold it together; she didn’t want to send him off thinking only of herself. Truly, in her heart, she wanted him to find everything in his world that brought him a sense of fulfillment and happiness. She didn’t want the man she loved to feel a sense of loss. He
deserved
to have his life back.
And she deserved to have a man who felt he had everything important in his life, including her.
But she was doomed to tears. And she dreaded that. It would weaken them both just when they needed to be strong and resolute.
He came back carrying two covered canvases. She recognized the size and covers; these paintings had been covered and turned toward the wall at his cabin. He pulled out two kitchen chairs and propped the canvases on them for viewing. He pulled off the covers to reveal two paintings that were now framed in black frames with gold piping. Both paintings featured the same subject: a nude gardener in two different poses.
She covered her mouth and couldn’t keep the tears from gathering in her eyes. They were exquisite. “Colin,” she nearly squeaked.
“I think they should go in your bedroom, but of course you’re the final word on that. Wherever you want them, I’ll hang them for you.”
She reached out a hand toward them, not really wanting to touch them but so much wanting to feel them. She had suspected he was painting something for her since he wouldn’t let her see them, but she had expected more wildlife. These were not only personal, but simply stunning.
“The bedroom,” she said in a breath. “Of course the bedroom.”
“I’ll hang them tonight. And then we can go to the cabin if you…”
“I want to sleep under them. We can go to the cabin tomorrow night. Colin, you couldn’t possibly have given me anything I would love more.”
Luke was host for the gathering of the Riordan clan during the third weekend in August. By the time the big motor coach pulled into the cabin compound, the small RV park behind the cabins was complete. There was now plumbing and electric hookup available. Maureen and George were able to christen the new addition with their RV. There was still some cosmetic work to be done; Luke planned to do some planting around the individual walk-ways and patios next spring. But it was clean, functional and ready.
“Perfect,” George said.
“Fantastic!” Maureen announced. “We could stay here for months!”
“That would be wonderful,” Shelby exclaimed.
“Why don’t you just shoot me,” Luke muttered to Colin.
“No good deed shall go unpunished,” Colin replied with a laugh.
Luke was impressed as he watched Jillian; she was in good humor, laughed easily, glowed when Colin as much as looked at her. She lavished her stunning vegetables on everyone and the first day of the gathering Maureen immediately commandeered Shelby’s kitchen to prepare as much as she could. Jillian seemed to swell with pride at Maureen’s praise of her garden.
Luke knew that neither Colin nor Jillian would be prepared for the extended family that would show up to wish Colin well. Shelby’s Uncle Walt and his girlfriend, Muriel, were present for a big barbecue on Saturday, along with the Haggerty clan, George’s protégé and the town minister, Noah Kincaid and his family. Franci’s mother and her boyfriend drove over from Eureka and yet another reunion took place. Jillian brought baskets of freshly harvested vegetables every day; no one went away empty-handed.
Luke was completely impressed by her spirit and generosity. He thought, for the hundredth time, that Colin was a damn fool to leave her.
I just have to get through the next week,
Jillian kept thinking. Just one more week of being positive, wishing him everything good on his journey, and then if she had to cry when he was gone it wouldn’t hurt anything. But Jill was just a little afraid that her throat would ache and her eyes would sting for the rest of her life from the strain of holding back emotion.
T
he end of August remained warm and sunny, which continued to nurture Jill’s gardens. Her melons were coming in large and strong and the pumpkins were so beautiful that she began to plan a pumpkin patch giveaway. She decided she’d put up notices in the bar and church for local families to come out and pick their own pumpkins, free, for Halloween. She’d get Denny’s help to decorate the house and yard. The leaves would begin to turn in a couple of weeks, and there was a feeling of fall in the mountain air as September approached. There was plenty of occasional light rain and the only tending needed was a bit of weeding and harvesting. If one thing had been made perfectly clear in six months of gardening, it was that she could grow fantastic produce. Her business license was granted, her trademark registered, and the county commissioner of agriculture assured her that her crop met all the standards and her registration would be approved.
Colin packed up and shipped to Sedona those few paintings he had completed since meeting Shiloh Tahoma. Shiloh had sent another check and was happy to hang whatever new work Colin sent him. Additionally, Colin sent
a very nice wedding gift to Clay and Lilly Tahoma—in part gratitude for making that connection for him.
Then, too soon, the day came. Jill was more than willing to drive Colin all the way to San Francisco for his flight, but he had made other arrangements. Luke would drive him to an airport shuttle pickup in Fortuna. “I want to say goodbye to you, leave you on your back porch and go. Even though we both know this is how it should be, I don’t expect either one of us is going to like it too much. Especially the morning we say goodbye.”
When they had their last night together, Colin’s large duffel and camera case packed and ready, Jill took herself to a remote place in her mind. She thought about the pure happiness she’d had for months and it brought her comfort. She thought about the hundreds of thousands of soldiers who had left their families to go to faraway lands where they’d be willing to risk their lives for their homeland. Surely this could not be as difficult.
She concentrated on Colin. They made sweet, slow love and she wondered how she would endure without this in her life; she wondered
how long
she would have to make do without it. Then they rested, curled around each other. She didn’t sleep and suspected he didn’t, either. In the morning they shared the shower and one last and more frantic coupling. As he was emptying himself inside her, her legs around his waist and his lips against her neck, he whispered, “I don’t know how I’ll manage even a day without you.”
Any other woman would have taken that moment to say,
Don’t go! Don’t go! Let me be what you need! Stay with me!
Not Jill. “You’ll have to manage,” she whispered back. “You’re going to renew your strength, to get your life back. You’ll send me wonderful pictures. And you’ll come to
see me when you can.” Then she sighed and added with a whisper, “I’ll be right here.”
They were having coffee on the back porch, the sun barely up when Luke pulled into the drive. They both stood up. It was time. Colin grabbed his duffel, tossed it in the back of Luke’s truck along with his camera case. But then, of course, he went back to her as she stood on the top step of the porch. He stood one step below her, giving them equal height, and with his arms around her waist, he kissed her deeply.
She had saved the words. She had never intended that her feelings would manipulate him or attempt to change him. “You should know something, Colin. I love you. Please travel safe. And in all the exciting things you do, please take care.”
“Of course I will,” he said, showing no surprise. “I love you, too, Jilly.”
She smiled. “I know. I felt it.”
“I knew it, too,” he said. “You showed me every day. Every night. That’s perfect, when you think about it—we both knew, both felt it, never really had to say it.”
She smiled and touched his cheek. “Send me pictures. Let me know you’re having a wonderful time.”
“I’ll call or email when I get there. Will you take pictures of the garden? Of the pumpkins? Those monster squash?”
“I will,” she said with a laugh.
“I think you have some blue-ribbon pumpkins there,” he said, giving her nose a gentle little kiss. “I’ll miss you.”
“I’ll miss you so much, Colin, but I want you to have everything.
Everything,
Colin. I want you to be one hundred percent fulfilled. I don’t want there to ever come a day when you mutter I
should have
in disappointment.”
“Six months will go by quickly,” he said.
“Sure it will.” But he’d never misled her about the length of his absence. This trip would be six months, but after that he would try other countries, other possibilities. If he found a satisfying, fulfilling flying job, he was only coming back here for visits. Colin had wanderlust and hungry adrenaline; he needed to keep moving, keep challenging his easily bored spirit. How many years would this passionate love last with a short visit every six months?
“Take care. Watch out for Denny. He feels like a little brother to me.”
She laughed a little. “I told him that, too. Don’t worry about Denny. He’s in good hands.”
“Goodbye, Jilly,” he said. “I’ll talk to you soon.”
“Soon,” she echoed.
And then she watched him get in his brother’s truck and disappear down the long drive.
Jillian did what she did best—she concentrated on the garden. Of course, she wasn’t as lighthearted or joyful. She was in mourning, though she fully expected it to pass soon. After all, she’d had many losses in her life and she’d weathered them well. At least Colin was perfectly fine, just not in her home or her bed.
She was a little quiet for a while, and Denny asked her if she was doing all right and she said that of course she missed Colin, but that was to be expected.
It was two days before there was contact from Colin. She received two emails. One was a group mailing to her and everyone in his family describing the long flight, the connecting flights in a couple of small prop planes from South Africa through Mozambique to Tanzania. He included pictures he’d taken along the way. He explained that once he hooked up with his safari group, he would very likely be out of touch for a while. And he also mentioned
that before leaving on safari he had already made arrangements to take a tour of Mount Kilimanjaro. He’d decided against any mountain climbing, but was booked on a helicopter tour! He wished everyone well and told them not to worry if they didn’t hear from him.
The second email was more personal.
Jilly, I’m not too far from where my brother served in that disaster that was Somalia. I was so young then. If you’d asked me even five years ago if I’d ever be interested in this place, I would have said no! Yet what I’ve seen of this continent so far is heart-stopping in beauty. I can’t wait to get to the park, to the safari. It could be as long as weeks before I can send pictures, but I picked up a couple of international cell phones. I’ll try to call, though I’m told communication is limited. Meanwhile, tend your prizewinning crop and think of me sometimes.
Love, Colin
She spent more time indoors after that, while Denny did some chores around the gardens. Not surprisingly, she did some crying. She’d gone from mourning to grieving, not only missing him but letting go of the expectations for a life with him that she’d hidden deep in her heart. She had been lying to herself that she was going to be able to let go without a fight.
After ten days some pictures came. Rhinoceros, elephants, cheetah, apes, even a lion! And the email that accompanied the pictures—which he sent to the entire group was short but exuberant. He was filled with excitement and exhilaration. She could feel the energy in his words.
At first it made her heart soar with happiness, that he reached out to her. She reveled in the pictures, looking at them over and over, reading and rereading the brief email. But there was no second, more personal note this time. And there still had not been a phone call. Her heart began to ache.
“Denny,” she said to him one Friday morning, “I need a little personal time. Take a week. Full pay, of course. Visit friends. Look up some of the state fair girls you met. Do chores around town. Whatever. I just want to tend my crop alone. I need a little time by myself and I don’t want to hide in the house or make you uncomfortable.”
“Are you going to be okay, Jillian?” he asked her. “Is there anything I can do to help?”
“I’ll be fine. Just missing him a little more than I thought I would.” She forced a smile. “My gardens heal me, but there could be some… Well, there could be some emotion I’m not real comfortable sharing with anyone. Please, just give me a week and then I’m sure we’ll be squared away. I’ll see you a week from Monday.”
“Listen, if there’s anything you need—”
“I apologize, but I just want my house and yard to myself for a little while. Solitude and my plants make me feel better.” She shrugged. “I have experience with it.”
She could tell Denny was reluctant to leave her alone, but he was such a sensitive guy, he gave her what she asked for. She felt so bad—she hadn’t even shared the most recent pictures with him! And of course Denny would be interested in what was going on with Colin, as well! But somehow she just couldn’t. She promised herself that when he came back to work in a week, she’d be all straightened out and they’d look at the pictures together.
Once Denny was gone, she let it go. The crying she’d been holding inside for God knew how long came flooding
out of her. Her tears fell on many plants; she let them run down her cheeks and fall onto her T-shirt. She talked to him, though he was thousands of miles away.
Colin, oh Colin, is it everything you wanted, everything you imagined and needed? Does every cell in your body scream that this was the right thing to do? Do you think of me sometimes?
I think of you all the time… All the time…
Because she was clearly depressed over Colin’s departure, Kelly had taken to calling her several times a day, worried about her. Jillian had never hidden herself from her sister, but she didn’t take most of those calls. She had her cell phone hooked to her belt even in the garden, even though the reception wasn’t great in the trees. If it was her sister she often let it go to voice mail while she was grooming and tending the plants. She could return those calls later, but she couldn’t bear the thought of missing a call from Colin.
Then, before Kelly had to go to work, Jillian would climb up onto the widow’s walk where the reception was superb and dial up Kelly. She had always been able to tell Kelly everything. She was painfully honest about how much she missed him, how lonely her days and nights were, how afraid she was that she’d never get to feel that kind of love and romance again. Through tears she described Colin’s two emails, how magnificent the pictures, how enthusiastic the updates. He was happy, that much was clear.
“Did you always think that at the last minute Colin would either stay or compromise in some other way?” Kelly asked.
And Jillian was again in tears. “I did,” she admitted. “Plus, since I always knew it was right to encourage him to follow his dreams, I never thought I’d go to pieces like
this! Why would he want someone who couldn’t support him any better than this?”
“You’re asking a lot of yourself,” Kelly said. “Very hard to let go of a man you love. Can’t you give yourself a break?”
“I’m going to get past this,” Jill said. “You’re going to think this sounds awful, but I want a man who says, ‘If I died tomorrow in your arms, I would feel there was nothing in my life I’d missed.’ Very selfish,” she added. “I want to be his end-all, be-all. He’s my everything. I want to be his everything, too.”
“Would you give up Jilly Farms?” Kelly asked.
“See? There you have it! Maybe that’s why I’m crying! Because what I really want is that neither of us has to give up anything! And yet, feel that we have everything!”
“Don’t worry, kid. This is going to pass. It just takes time.”
“Yes,” Jill said. “Yes, time. I guess at least six months.”
Denny sat at the bar, nursing his beer.
“Dinner tonight?” Jack asked him, giving the bar a wipe.
“I’m thinking about it.”
“Haven’t seen too much of you lately. Things busy at the farm?”
Denny took a swallow. “I haven’t been to the farm. Things are kinda slow and Jillian wanted some time to herself. I think Colin being gone really bites for her.”
“I imagine,” Jack said. “They looked pretty tight.”
“I don’t think that even touches it. I think he was crazy to give her up, but I have to admit, I envy him a little. At least he had a plan.”
“So,” Jack began, “where have you been, if not working?”
Denny shrugged. “Lots of fishing. Not much catching.”
“Alone?” Jack asked, lifting an eyebrow.
Denny casually lifted his beer. “I guess I needed some think time. Just like Jillian.”
“Listen, son, it hasn’t escaped my notice that you’ve been giving yourself lots of think time ever since—”
“You don’t have to call me that. Son.”
Jack was struck silent for a moment. Then he frowned. “All right,
Dennis,
” he said. “You’ve been all upside down since our day at the river. That was weeks ago now and I figured you’d come to terms with it. I know you’re disappointed. Hell, who wouldn’t be? But it is what it is and we go on from there.”
“As far as I can tell, you haven’t told anyone the truth.”
“I told you, Denny. It doesn’t make any difference. We’re exactly the same as we were. I don’t like you any less and I assume you don’t like me any less. You said you weren’t looking for a kidney, anyway.” Then Jack tried a smile. It didn’t seem to break the ice much. “Denny,” he said, leaning close. “Family isn’t what we’re stuck with. It’s what we make it.”
“Sometimes it’s what we’re stuck with,” he argued.
“Think again, bud. When you’ve got some asshole with your DNA, you give him a real wide berth and forget to send the Christmas card. Pretty soon he gets the message that DNA isn’t enough.”