Will (27 page)

Yes, Will, I did. I missed him very much
.

That wasn’t so hard. I forced myself to keep going.

It’s just that Elizabeth said you were talking about him
.

She took off her glasses and carefully put them into their case.

Actually, I was telling her how much you reminded me of him
.

She waited for a response. Normally by now I would have run screaming out of the room; well, I wouldn’t have bothered with the screaming part, I would have just turned around and walked straight out.

That’s what Elizabeth said, but … 
I stopped to get the words out.
I’m not like him, am I?

This time there was no hesitation.

Will, you are more like him than you realize
.

She paused, allowing me to digest what she’d said. She was moving cautiously, like someone who was helping a hurt animal. My gut clamped down hard like I’d been winded in a tackle. I wasn’t walking out this time, though, and I wanted to know. I think I needed to know.

How?

Because you’re funny, you get on well with all sorts of different people. You go out of your way to help people, and you have a very quiet, sensitive side that you don’t like to admit to and only show to a handful of people
.

She said it like it was no big deal I was asking and I liked that. But what I couldn’t tell her was that I didn’t believe it. I mean, I’m not that much of a victim that I think I’m a complete write-off—well, not today anyway. But it didn’t take away how I’d treated Mark or Zach or Mum even. I couldn’t get rid of this feeling that I’d let Dad down somehow and he was disappointed in me. But I didn’t know how to tell Mum that. If I ended up telling Mum then she’d be disappointed too.

Yeah, but Dad stood up for what he believed in, didn’t he? On the work sites he always made sure that everyone was treated fairly and he never acted better than anybody else. He wasn’t afraid of what people thought of him
.

No, you’re right, but he wasn’t perfect, Will. He’d hate it if you remembered him as being perfect. God, that’s the last thing he’d want. He prided himself on how much he could act like an idiot. Something else you also inherited from him
.

She threw this comment over arched eyebrows. She paused again and then slowly straightened the paper in front of her.

Look, Will, he was a man, a human being who was decent, loving, compassionate, just, but who could also be a pain in the backside, broody, quiet, an idiot and angry, just like all of us
.

We’re all human, Will. We all muck things up and hurt and fall in love and make idiots of ourselves and do the wrong things. I can’t tell you the amount of times I was furious with your father about something he did or said or didn’t say, but the thing was I
knew he never meant to hurt me. And as soon as he figured out what was going on he’d apologize. In fact he was far better than me when it came to giving and receiving apologies. I always tended to hang on to being cranky for a while …

She trailed off, smiling. It felt as though she had gone somewhere else for a minute. I turned away from her, trying to brush aside some of the tears that had landed on the bench. She stood up from the chair and hugged me for a moment, then stood beside me. Both of us stared out at the veggie patch.

Darling, you have gone through one of the toughest things you will ever have to face in your life, and at such a horribly young age. It breaks my heart to watch you struggle to make sense out of something that has destroyed your world. I worried for a time that you were going to disappear. But you haven’t, Will, because you’re stronger than that. Because, like your father, you refuse to give up or to accept that everything is serious all the time. Because you have surrounded yourself with people like Chris, Mr. Andrews and Brother Patrick, who all care about you. Because you are who you are. Your dad was a good man, Will, but he was made a better man because you were his son. And no matter what you do, he will always, always love you
.

She was crying by this stage—not big heavy tears, just gentle ones. I was too. I’d never cried with Mum about Dad. And maybe I wouldn’t again, but I needed to let her know that it was all right and I was all right. I tried one of the Holden bear hugs. It felt a little uncomfortable but it worked.

She eased herself out of the hug, glassy-eyed but not crying anymore.

And I am so proud of everything you have achieved in the musical, Will, and I don’t care how much you pretend you haven’t
done anything. I know for a fact because so many people told me last night. Mr. Cohen came and introduced himself and told me about young Zach. Brother Patrick went on about all of your support with the band. Mr. Andrews says you’ve improved out of sight in English
.

That stumped me. Maybe there was a chance of getting an extension for the English assignment.

And Elizabeth, she’s lovely, Will. I am very happy for you
.

The mention of Elizabeth’s name was a sign to get everything back to normal again. There was only so much heavy emotional stuff a guy could handle and I reckon I’d had enough in the past twenty-four hours for at least another decade.

Mum was about to put her glasses back on when she stopped and looked at me.

Will, one more thing
. She paused.
Talk to him
.

I thought she must be referring to the Freak.
Yeah, no I am, that’s why I need you to drop me to school early
.

She continued looking at me.

No, Will, your father, talk to your father
.

I didn’t know what to say to that. I just stared at her.

She smiled at me.
You haven’t looked at me like that since you found out there was no Santa Claus. I mean it, Will, talk to him. They never leave you if you keep them alive in your heart
.

She put her glasses on and went back to her paper, leaving me standing like that seven-year-old kid. Just like the Santa Claus thing, I wasn’t ready to hear it.

Mum dropped me at the gates. It felt like a lifetime ago since I’d winked at the brothers’ main man that Friday afternoon. Lucky the musical was nearly over, otherwise they’d be carting me off for intensive therapy.

I could see the Freak waiting out the front. He’d taken out his trombone and was making sure it was tuned. Anyone else would have cracked up about the fart noises, but the Freak just kept on with the job. I called out to him.

Hey, Zach
.

Hey, Will
.

It was then I realized that the fart noises were not just coming from his direction. There were three others, just like the Freak, all tuning their instruments, listening to him like he was some sort of guru. They stopped playing instantly as I approached and stared.

Zach, do you reckon I could talk to you for a minute?

Zach didn’t seem that angry. In fact he didn’t seem that much of anything.

Sure
.

He stood up and walked over to where I was standing. He was waiting for me to speak. I looked at him curiously. Surely he knew why I’d asked him to meet me early?

I met your dad the other night
.

Yeah, I know
.

He’s a nice bloke
.

He looked at me as if I was really strange.

Yeah, I know
.

You look just like him
.

Yeah, I know
.

Zach, I’m sorry, I’m sorry about the other day
.

He looked at me dead on.
Yeah, I know
.

I was freaking out. I didn’t mean anything I said. I was angry and you were the one who copped it
.

Yeah, I know
.

How do you know?

’Cause Chris came running out after you and asked me what you’d said. He told me you were upset about something else, not me
.

He was quiet, really quiet. Then he looked straight up at me.

Other people have said that type of stuff to me, and even though it hurt it doesn’t matter because they’re not my friends. But you are, Will. You’re my friend and I trusted you
. He paused.
You shouldn’t have said those things to me
.

I felt like I did when his dad spoke to me last night. I wished he’d screamed and carried on. But he didn’t, he just told it to me straight and that’s what cut me up the most.

I know, Zach. I’m really, really sorry
.

He looked at me again with his ancient eyes for a long time.

Yeah, I know. And you know what else, Will? It wasn’t me who said anything about Mark
.

It was my turn.

Yeah, I know
.

I wouldn’t do that to Mark
.

Yeah, I know … Listen, Freak, the dad stuff’s no excuse,
I know. But things have been really weird lately. I never set out to hurt you, mate, never. I know that sounds like such a bad excuse, but it just happened. And you wore all of the fallout
.

It’s all right, Will. I know what it’s like
.

His eyes had darkened and become sad.

There was this one time when I went psycho in Year Four. It was straight after Mum left. I remember throwing chairs around and yelling and screaming. It was so bad they had to ring Dad to get me to stop. When he arrived, he came and talked to me. He said I was angry at the world for taking my mum away. I figured you were angry at the world for taking your dad away
.

I was speechless. No one this little was meant to be that smart.

You threw chairs around the classroom?

Yeah, pretty cool, huh? The kids’ve thought I was mad ever since
.

He gave me his first smile of the day and patted me on the arm.

It’s all right, Will. I know you’re sorry
.

I grabbed his hand and spun it behind his back and then grabbed him from the back and lifted him up.

Thanks, Freak. Nice to have you back
.

I tousled his hair like my dad used to do to me when I was Zach’s age. Then I looked back over to where the geeks were trying really hard to look like they hadn’t been listening to our entire conversation.

So who are your mates?

Just some of the geeks from the band. They’re all right. No big deal
. He walked over toward the geeks and his trombone.
But they did tell me you and Elizabeth kissed last night
.

Great! It had even made it to the Year 7 geek section of the St. Andrew’s news network.

I walked into the hall and started getting everything set up. The Freak told me he’d give me a hand after he’d finished having a jam with his mates. I had to shut my mouth before I made a smart-arse comment. As I walked toward the pit I caught myself feeling proud of the little guy.

By the time I’d finished the setup, the hall had begun to fill with the whole crew for the last time.

Good evening, handsome!

Elizabeth was walking through the stage hall doors. Her hair was out and reached halfway down her back. She was dressed in jeans and a T-shirt like she always was, but this time when I looked at her it was different. I don’t know if I was different, she was different or we were both different, but it didn’t matter because it was good different.

She had her costumes thrown over her shoulder and was carrying at least three other bags. I walked over to meet her, grinning and not caring that the entire hall had stopped to watch the show. I grabbed the gear like some bloody knight in not-so-shining armor. She leaned across and brushed my lips with hers. The whole hall erupted. Back to reality. I didn’t know whether to laugh or to tell everyone to find their own love life to feed off. As for Elizabeth, she just laughed up at me, not bothered by any of it.

Yeah, all right, settle down!
I managed as we continued on our path to the change rooms.

She stood in the doorway and I handed her the gear. She looked straight into my eyes like she had last night.

Thanks for last night, Will, I had a great time
.

I was thankful the others had not overheard. Their perverse little minds would have become too excited.

No, yeah, it was good
.

How could I have spent all last night talking to the girl and still not manage a decent sentence today?

So are you coming to Mark’s after-show party?

I continued to struggle.

The thing is, I’m not sure if I’ll be wanted at Mark’s party
.

She took the rest of her stuff, turned me around and gave me a shove on the bum with the only thing that was free, her foot.

Go and talk to him, Will
.

I knew I had to. I didn’t want to stuff up the after-show vibe for him like I had last night. Anyway, this time I figured if he didn’t accept my apology there wasn’t much more I could do.

I knocked outside the blokes’ dressing room and watched the younger chorus guys run out. I walked straight in and found Mark in the corner, putting on what looked like a really bad, really bright 1920s jacket.

Hi, Mark
.

He looked up and nodded.

Well, at least he didn’t tell me to get out.

Nice jacket
.

He continued to look at me without comment. OK, so a joke was not a good way to start.

Mark, I know you’re pissed off with me and you should be. And I know everything you said last night was true. Just give me a chance to say some stuff to you, OK?

He sat down in front of the mirror and swiveled the chair toward me.