Read Willie's Redneck Time Machine Online
Authors: John Luke Robertson
Willie's Redneck Time Machine (13 page)
HOW CAN YOU
NOT
STAY
and help Si fight this war? Maybe you’ll be gone for a few weeks, maybe longer. But this is for a noble cause. People’s lives are in danger. The future is in your hands.
A week into the war, you lose your left arm. Yes, this is a horrible thing. But it’s the future, so they simply give you a new arm. And the cool thing is that this arm is stronger and better than your old one. It can pulverize rocks while at the same time allowing you to watch a movie on your palm.
This is the start of the fog.
The fog begins to seep inside your thoughts.
Every now and then, you have dreams or nightmares of
circuitry and wiring and computer data. You hear strange computerized voices that remind you of Siri. You don’t feel so right with your body.
Perhaps it’s being in the future. Perhaps it’s your synthetic arm.
Then you lose your leg in battle and the same thing happens.
Then you lose an ear and they give you a new one.
Little by little, you start becoming one of them. A machine.
And little by little, the person you once were goes away.
The day comes when you win the war. But it’s been years. Uncle Si has been in an institution ever since losing the Tupperware cups his mother sent him when he was in Vietnam. You’ve forgotten where you’re from and how you got here. You don’t feel like yourself at all. And that’s because half of you really isn’t you.
You live out the rest of your life in the future. Cyborg Willie: half machine.
And then, one day, when you finally take your last breath
—and you utter a barely heard quack before dying
—you’re blasted into the past.
You find yourself back in West Monroe, back in the present day, back as your former self, back at Duck Commander.
And when the Britney Spears ringtone comes on, you’ve never been more joyful to hear that sweet, precious, beautiful song
—“Oops! . . . I Did It Again.” ’Cause it means you’re back. And all your body parts are
your
parts.
THE END
YES, YOU SHOULD BE LOOKING
for John Luke in order to get out of here.
Yes, they’ve started playing “Girl You Know It’s True” by Milli Vanilli, and you really feel like dancing just a little bit. A girl jumps up and down right next to you, saying how much she loves this song.
“They’re not really the ones who sing it,” you tell her. “Just so you know.”
She has no idea what you’re talking about. No big deal.
You wonder if the time machine that brought you here is still in the hallway.
But you know you have to do this. There’s no way you can’t.
You see one of the football players you used to be on the team with. Jack is a senior who played wide receiver. He’s
a good guy, and you can’t remember who he took to prom. But it doesn’t matter.
You remember who he ends up marrying.
“Jack,” you call out above the music. “How ya doin’?”
The guy looks perplexed that you’re talking to him.
“You want to earn a hundred bucks?”
A hundred dollars is good money, but back in 1990 it was quite a bit of cash.
“Sure.”
“I want you to dance with Samantha Price.”
A lot of guys would say no, but you remember Jack as someone who turns out to be a very good businessman. He’s also not a very prideful guy, which helps in a situation like this.
“You want me to dance with Samantha?”
“Yeah. For a hundred bucks.”
“Thought she was dating Rick,” he says.
“Rick broke up with her.”
“How do you know all this?” Jack asks.
Yeah, it does seem sorta weird, this older dude nobody recognizes who knows all these details about the students.
“I’m a friend of the family.”
“
What
family?”
“Just a family. Will you do it or not?”
Jack looks at the dance floor, then glances at Samantha. “Okay. I guess.”
“First slow song.”
“My date isn’t going to like it.”
“Split the money with her,” you say. “Go spend it on her.”
“Samantha might not even want to dance. She’s always liked Rick.”
“Just because someone’s attached to another’s hip doesn’t mean they’ll end up with that person,” you tell him.
Jack looks at you but doesn’t get it. But that’s okay. You put the money in his hand.
“First slow song.”
A slow song that sounds like cotton candy begins to play, and you see Jack asking Samantha for a dance. At first she doesn’t agree and looks embarrassed, but he talks to her a bit and says something that makes her nod. Soon they’re out on the floor.
You watch them and see an actual smile come over Samantha’s face. You’re not sure if you ever saw it before. Not even once when she was with jerk-boy Rick.
It’s a nice thing to witness.
You know it’ll be something she never forgets. You’ll always remember the best and worst parts about high school. They stick with you like diamonds on a finger or gum in your hair.
She’ll also always remember the first time she danced with the man she ended up marrying and spending the rest of her life with.
The song is nearly over when you look out at the dancing couples and spot Korie again. She’s dancing with someone who looks a lot like you. . . .
Wait a minute
—that’s not 1990 me.
It’s John Luke.
John Luke and his mullet.
Somehow he’s got a tuxedo on.
And now he’s dancing with his mother.
This is a total
Back to the Future
moment.
You pause, watching them, unsure what exactly to do.
Do you watch your wife and your son dance in a fond sort of weird, wonderful way?
Go here
.
Do you decide to interrupt them and break up this moment?
Go here
.
SI STARTS PUSHING BUTTONS
and pulls down a lever, then another. Soon you guys are moving, and the machine seems to be alive again.
Where you’re headed . . . well, that’s a good question.
The vibration lasts only for a minute; then everything is still again.
“What’d you press?” you shout.
“Anything I could.”
You sigh in frustration. If you could actually learn how to operate the time machine, maybe you and Si could get home instead of traveling to random corners of the space-time continuum.
Sirens go off, and the word
Danger
flashes on multiple screens around you.
“Did you press a Danger button?” you shout.
“Man, I’m like Michael Dangerous. I’m dangerous.”
“You’re something,” you tell Si. “Tell me this. Why does the door open sometimes, but other times it doesn’t?”
“You think I know? It’s not my fault. This isn’t some elevator with a Door Open button.”
“I knew it was trouble.”
Right then the door to the machine opens.
“So what do you think our odds will be?” Si asks.
The first thing you see is a fire. Not just a small fire but a big, blazing one. You see people screaming and running away from what looks like a big fair. A Ferris wheel is crumbling. Booths are crackling. A group of panicked clowns sprints past you.
“Hey,” you shout to one, grabbing and stopping him. “What happened?”
“Something landed on a Ford Model T that was next to a gas supply, and the whole thing exploded.”
You shake your head. “Next to a gas supply? That seems a bit
—”
But the clown can’t take any more, especially since his makeup is running down his face from the heat.
You and Si look at the chaos caused when your time machine landed in the wrong place.
What you don’t know is that you’ve set off a cataclysmic chain reaction.
This happens to be the 1919 Texas state fair. If you hadn’t destroyed it, this would have been the first place snow cones were ever served. They would have been made by Samuel Bert of Dallas. He would have gone on to make the first snow cone machine a year later
—if this tragic fire hadn’t destroyed his little stand and stopped him from serving the cold treat to kids everywhere.
You have deprived the world of its favorite summer snack.
The world has become a darker place.
Your actions send humanity into a downward spiral where kids who would have normally grown up eating strawberry-flavored snow cones are now forced to eat average, boring candy. Watermelon snow cones and peach snow cones and blueberry snow cones never see the light of day.
In their place come criminals and angry, depressed people.
All because of your little mishap.
You want a Reset button.
You want to do it all over again and give the world back its snow cones.
THE END
YOU GRAB JOHN LUKE
by the arm and sprint to the gym doors as you hear the beginning of the OMD song “If You Leave.”
The two of you head into the hallway, and you start to go in one direction until John Luke tells you to turn the other way. You follow John Luke, and there’s the outhouse, just waiting for you guys.
“Can’t believe it’s still here,” you say as you open the door.
Just like the first time John Luke opened it, the inside resembles that of a typical outhouse. You have to move and squeeze so both of you can fit.
“Well, let’s see what happens,” you say as you shut the door.
For a second the two of you stand in silent darkness.
“Think it’s the wrong outhouse?” John Luke asks.
Then, finally, everything changes. You’re standing in the control room of the time machine. You sigh in relief.
“Do you know how to operate this thing?” you ask John Luke. Although, considering the way he drives cars, you’re a little afraid to even ask.
“I was just pressing buttons on the screen and the thing took off.”
“We need to go back to the present day,” you say.
John Luke stands in front of one of the control panels. He runs a finger across the buttons before saying, “Found it,” then types something on a keyboard.
“What’d you find?”
“A place to put dates in.”
He enters the date, then presses a sequence of buttons.
The time machine springs to life with a loud rumbling. You feel like you’re riding on a roller coaster.
“Where are we going to land?” you ask.
John Luke just shrugs.
“Did it give a time?”
“I didn’t put one.”
“Maybe you should have
—”
Suddenly you’re falling sideways against the wall next to you. John Luke crashes into you. Then you’re both on the floor. The whirring stops, and the door opens.
You’re afraid to go outside but know you have to. John
Luke is about to go first, but this time you hold him back, stepping through the doorway ahead of him.
You discover you’re in a field.
The field behind our house!
It looks like it’s later in the day than when you left, since the sun is disappearing. John Luke comes out and stands beside you.
“Dad, look!”
John Luke points to the sky and you see it. Someone’s coming toward you, parachuting down. He’s swinging back and forth and seems to be having a difficult time adjusting his position. The closer he gets, the more the person looks like . . .
“Is that Uncle Si?” John Luke asks.
You nod.
What in the world is Uncle Si doing parachuting from the sky?
Do you stay and wait for Uncle Si to land safely?
Go here
.
Do you get inside to make sure you have a gift for Korie’s party, which should be starting any minute now?
Go here
.