Authors: Radclyffe
“Deo is very attractive,” Nita said quietly.
“Deo Camara is gorgeous.” Tory sat down, looking as if she had all the time in the world. “Is she hitting on you?”
“Now why would you ask that,” Nita said sarcastically.
Looking surprised, Tory said, “Because you happen to be very attractive too, and I imagine Deo has noticed.”
“Apparently Deo makes a habit of hitting on women.”
“I don’t know her well enough to say,” Tory said. “I doubt she lacks for company, considering that she’s young and single and seems to be very nice.”
“Not to mention the gorgeous part.”
“Yes. There is that too.” Tory paused. “And you’re not interested?”
“No,” Nita said after a long second. “I am.”
It felt good to say it out loud, even if she had no idea what it meant. It felt good not to be alone with the feelings.
“You don’t sound happy about it.”
“I don’t have time for the kind of upheaval a woman like Deo creates.”
Tory frowned. “What kind of upheaval?”
“The distraction, the obsession. The…the…God, I don’t know. I can’t think.”
“Sounds like you’ve already got the distraction part,” Tory said with a small smile.
Nita laughed shortly. “Oh God, I do.”
“You’re attracted to her, but you’re not sure you want to be.”
“No. I’m quite certain I don’t want to be.” Nita stood and picked up the closest file. “As long as I remember that, I’ll be fine.”
“All right. That might work.” Tory rose and gave Nita a quick hug. “If you ever want to talk, let me know.”
“Thanks. I…just thanks.”
*
Deo paced on the wide front porch of Nita’s house. Maybe Nita wasn’t coming. Nita obviously didn’t want to see her, but she just couldn’t take the hint. Hell, Nita had gone out looking for sex with a stranger rather than take Deo up on her offer to go another round. That should have hammered home the message that Nita wasn’t interested. But after slowly going crazy all week when Nita wouldn’t return her calls, she had finally pushed her into a meeting. Totally unlike her. Then again, nothing about her reaction to Nita was like her.
It would have been so much simpler if she didn’t know that Nita wanted her. Contrary to what everyone thought, there were plenty of women who weren’t interested in her, and she didn’t chase after them. She never made it a secret that she wasn’t interested in anything resembling a long-term relationship, and that was enough to send most women running in the opposite direction. Now and then she misjudged and ended up going home with someone who
said
she only wanted a casual thing, but really believed she could change Deo’s mind after a date or two. When that happened, Deo extricated herself as quickly and painlessly as she could.
But whatever else was going on with Nita, Nita wanted her body, at least. That had been amazingly and very pleasurably obvious for those few incinerating moments in the dark. Ordinarily, when Deo got the sense that a woman didn’t want a repeat, she let it go. This time she couldn’t, and not being able to get Nita out of her mind not only pissed her off, it confused her. Sure, she wanted Nita in bed again. Christ, who wouldn’t. She was beautiful and sexy, and she set Deo off like a 220 volt blast straight to the groin. But it was more than possibly the best sex she’d had in her life that kept her thinking about Nita, that had her craving the sound of her voice and the lightest touch of her fingers all day long and half the night. When Nita told her about Sylvia, Nita couldn’t hide how much she hurt. And she hurt in a way Deo understood. Passion and pain ruled Nita with equal measure, and Deo was drawn to both.
She braced her hands on the railing and watched the crowds passing by beyond the iron gates at the end of Nita’s flagstone sidewalk. Men in groups, mostly shirtless, jostling and cruising. Women, usually in couples, many pushing strollers. Straight families, the kids oblivious to the passing spectacle and the parents trying to act as if being surrounded by same-sex couples was ordinary. All different, but still families of a sort. When she allowed herself to stop working and screwing until she was too tired to do anything else except drop into bed, Deo wondered what her life would have been like if she hadn’t lost hers. And those pointless ruminations were exactly what drove her to fill her days with work and her nights with women.
The rusted wrought iron gate creaked open and Nita slipped through it. With the setting sun at Nita’s back, Deo couldn’t see her face clearly, but the air shimmered around her as she glided toward her. Her dark hair flowed loosely around her shoulders, and she lifted a hand to push the wind-blown strands away from her face. She was beautiful in the unselfconscious way of women who had no idea how truly beautiful they were.
“Sorry I’m late.” Nita stopped at the bottom of the broad wooden stairs to take in Deo as she leaned with her forearms on the railing. Her T-shirt was damp at the neck and her hair looked wet. Nita had noticed several of the workmen dousing their heads and shoulders with a hose, washing away the grit at the end of the day, and she imagined that Deo had done the same. She could see Deo, the hose coiled in one hand, tossing her head back while water cascaded from her face. In the next breath, she envisioned Deo’s face above her in bed, sweat dripping from her jaw onto Nita’s cheeks as they rode each other. The image was so intense she nearly moaned.
“I thought you weren’t coming,” Deo said, trying to read what she saw in Nita’s face. For a minute she thought Nita was going to turn and walk away.
“I was just about to head over here,” Nita said breathlessly, “and we had an emergency. Tory is going to be seeing patients for another few hours as it is, and I couldn’t leave her with an add-on, too.”
“Something serious?”
Nita climbed the stairs, thankful that discussing work helped ground her. Her heart rate was slowing toward normal, and she could actually look at Deo without imagining how Deo would feel stretched out on top of her, naked. Almost. “A two-year-old with a peanut in her ear.”
Deo laughed and led the way into the house. “Ouch. I bet that was fun.”
“She was actually fine. It was her mother who was stressed, which is usually the case.”
“I’ll bet.” Deo flipped a switch and a temporary overhead light,
sans
fixture, came to life. “Voilà.”
“Very nice,” Nita replied, admiring the dangling bare bulb. “Quite an improvement.”
“Thank you,” Deo said with a small bow. “So how did your patient manage to get the peanut stuck in her ear?”
“Compliments of her four-year-old brother.”
“Ah, now I see.” Deo walked into the kitchen, caught up in the easy conversation. Without thinking, she said, “I stuffed a bb up my brother’s nose when we were four. They had a hell of a time finding it.”
“I imagine.” Nita was fascinated by the glimpse of pure pleasure that suffused Deo’s face. She had so rarely seen her so unguarded. She looked young, carefree, happy. Then, the light in Deo’s eyes died and she looked away. Without a second’s thought, Nita grasped her hand. The scar that snaked across the top stood out starkly against her tan. “I’m sorry.”
“For what?” Deo asked hoarsely.
“About your brother.”
“Yeah. Well.” Deo wasn’t certain why she had even mentioned Gabe. She never talked about him. No one did, at least not when she was around. Maybe it was just easier to confess while standing in the middle of the century old kitchen with the fractured rays of sunlight slanting through the wavy glass windows, feeling as if she had been transported to another time. Nita’s voice was so gentle, her fingers so warm and so soft. No one ever touched her just to soothe her pain.
“Gabriel,” Deo heard herself say. His name felt strange on her tongue, as if it was a foreign language she’d forgotten she knew how to speak. “We were twins.”
“Ah, God. It’s terrible to lose a sibling, but a twin. I think that’s even worse.”
Deo’s expression hardened and she pulled her hand away. “No. What makes it worse is when you kill him. Let’s finish this up. I’m sure you have better things to do.”
“Deo,” Nita said as Deo turned away, unable to bear the terrible sorrow she glimpsed in Deo’s face. “I understood it was an accident.”
“From who?”
“Tory.”
“It wasn’t. I was there, I should know.”
When Deo made no move to walk away, but instead stood staring out the window into the overgrown garden that overran a small flagstone patio, Nita stepped beside her and rested her hand on Deo’s shoulder. In profile, Deo’s face might have been carved from granite. “What happened?”
Beneath Nita’s fingers, Deo’s torso rose and fell with her quick shallow breaths.
“We were at a party. Most of the kids were a year or two ahead of us. Everyone was drinking and…he walked in on me and another girl when we had gotten to the point where we couldn’t lie about what we were doing. I hadn’t told him I was gay and he was pissed. I don’t know if it was because I hadn’t told him or because he was ashamed of me.”
Nita felt Deo shudder but resisted the urge to put her arm around Deo’s shoulders. She was afraid if she pulled Deo too far from her reverie she’d stop talking. “What did he say?”
“Nothing. Well, he cursed me out, and then he stormed out.” Deo laughed brittlely. “Of course he was drunk, and he never could drink much. I caught up to him down at the harbor just as he was un-mooring the skiff we kept docked there. It was the middle of the night and a big storm was coming in. The waves were already too high for that size boat, but he wouldn’t listen. I barely managed to jump in before he pulled away from the dock.”
Deo stretched her arm along the window casement and rested her forehead against it. Nita couldn’t see her face, but she didn’t need to. She could hear the anguish. She gently rubbed small circles in the center of Deo’s rigid back.
“He had always been a crappy pilot and loaded...forget it. He couldn’t take the waves and we were foundering. I tried to make him give me the wheel, but I could hardly keep my feet under me. Then we went over and…” Deo choked and her shoulders heaved.
“Just take your time,” Nita murmured.
“At first I couldn’t find him, but somehow I grabbed onto his shirt. He didn’t answer me when I yelled his name, and I couldn’t see his face.” Deo rubbed her eyes with one hand. “It took me so long to get him to shore. And then it was too late.”
Nita was no stranger to pain. She consoled those who had lost loved ones all the time, aching for every one of them while she offered pitifully inadequate words of comfort. She held herself back then because she had to, because the distance allowed her to do what she was best at. But she couldn’t bear to stand by helplessly while Deo suffered. Ignoring the alarm bells clanging wildly in her head, she threaded both arms around Deo’s waist and pressed a kiss to the center of her back. “I’m so terribly sorry.”
With a muffled groan, Deo spun around and pulled Nita into an embrace. But instead of kissing her, which is what Nita expected, Deo buried her face against Nita’s neck. Holding her, Nita stroked the back of her head and rocked her gently, as she would a child.
“It’s all right. It’s all right,” she whispered, even though she knew it wasn’t. Words would not heal this wound.
After a few moments, Deo backed away. “I’m sorry.”
“There’s no need to apologize.”
“I don’t know why I told you that.”
“I’m glad you did.”
“Why?” Deo demanded. Anger warred with gratitude. She didn’t want to talk about Gabriel, she didn’t want to think about him. She didn’t want to admit how good it felt to be held, and not blamed.
“Because I know how hard that was for you and I’m…I’m honored that you told me.” Nita reached out to touch Deo’s face, then stopped at the last second. They’d already gone too far.
“He wouldn’t have been in that boat if it hadn’t been for me. And if I hadn’t let him pilot it, we wouldn’t have capsized. He drowned because I fucked up.”
“It was a horrible
accident
.” Nita knew her words wouldn’t change Deo’s mind or assuage her guilt. “I’m so very sorry.”
“Yeah.” Deo let out a long breath. “Look, do you mind if we do this tomorrow?”
“No, of course not.”
“I’ll call you.”
“All right.” Nita followed as Deo strode rapidly ahead of her down the hall toward the front of the house. Deo held the heavy wood door open so Nita could step out onto the porch.
“I’d appreciate it if you would forget this happened,” Deo said.
“I won’t mention it to anyone.” Nita already knew there was no way she could forget it. She could still feel Deo in her arms.
“Thanks.” Deo closed and locked the door, then circled Nita without touching her. As she hurried down the front steps, she murmured, “Good night.”
“Good night, Deo.”
Nita watched Deo slip through the iron gate and disappear into the crowds. She wondered if there was a woman Deo would go to for comfort or just to help her forget her pain for a few hours. Slowly, Nita made her way down the walk, too weary and too raw to even pretend she didn’t want to be that woman.
“Bri,” Allie said, rolling down the window to get a better look at the figure hunched over on the edge of the pier, “pull over there.”